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Daria79

New, worried and feeling trapped

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Daria79

Hi...

So I was diagnosed with HSV2 in early June after I noticed blisters on my inner thigh and labia. I also got a really bad cold sore on my top lip. I contracted it from a partner who didn't know he had it.

In fact he was quite cold to me at first , suggesting that since his STD tests in the past year had all come back negative then it couldn't have been him that gave it to me. He was very accusatory. The thing is, he never asked for an HSV test. Long story short, his blood test came back positive while mine was negative. So he'd had the virus and gave it to me.

He's still kind of in denial.

Anyway, I'm still going through that "grieving process" I didn't get out of bed for a week, and slept through most of the summer I'm doing better now, educating myself, taking my Valtrex and lysine. But I just have so many fears. :confused:

First, I'm afraid of getting a cold sore and having to miss work. I'm a high school teacher. I can't face high school students with a gigantic cold sore on my face. My life would be hell.

Second, although I'm still in a relationship with the guy from whom I contracted gh, things aren't going well. We had only been dating a month when I was diagnosed. We're having issues that may or may not be related to our diagnoses. I think he feels like he doesn't have to "work" for me anymore. He never wants to go out like we used to. Only wants to creep over at night. And I feel like it's because he thinks I won't leave now that I have gh. Like I'm some ruined woman that nobody else will have....

Or maybe I'm projecting. I feel the same way sometimes. He's never actually said all that. But sometimes I don't think he's the one for me. But I'm so scared I'll never meet anyone else....:confused:

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Neverwouldathunkit

This is exactly how I feel about the man I am with. He gave it to me, and now I feel like I can't move on for fear of rejection from new partners. With that being said, I feel as though he believes he has me right where he wants me. I think he knew he had it, and never told me; and now that I have it, he believes my chances of leaving him would be slim to none. When I told him what I had and asked him to get tested, his response was," Well, if you have it then I know I have it now...so what's the point?" Very non-chalant and unconcerned. He knew. I know he did. But he will NEVER admit it.

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Neverwouldathunkit

By the way..

I still have my moments of grieving too. It is getting better though. This forum has been very helpful and the people on here are very supportive. I hope it brings some positive light your way like it has done for me.

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Daria79

I see what you mean

I've been lurking around here for weeks. Not sure what to say or how to say it. But I feel a little better everyday. The more I educate myself the more I realize that the stigma around HSV is irrational.

Unfortunately the only time anyone gets really educated about it is when they find out they have it. So most people will never get past the fear and judgement. I think thats what worries me most of all.

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Neverwouldathunkit

I feel the same. The more I have begun to educate myself on it, the more I accept it. I don't know that I ever fully will, but it has become more tolerable mentally. I understand the lurking. I have done PLENTY of that!!! No going out; even with friends. I stay home.

I am very reserved with whom I tell. I have told a couple of people I thought were good friends, and one even called me a "leper". So the rejection issue goes beyond the walls of just sexual relationships. That is what is even scarier to me.

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Daria79

Yeah I'm being careful who I tell

My two closest friends have been very supportive. The held me when I cried and took me out to dinner when I found out. That week that I wouldn't get out of bed they came by and brought me food. Made me eat even :rolleyes:. They have been great. I told another friend who I have known for a year and she played it off cool, but now she's kind of avoiding me. Oh well. But I have other friends that might judge and make me feel worse (Are they really friends then?) so I won't tell them.

One of my sisters has had it for 15 years. I haven't brought it up to her because technically I'm not supposed to know. She wanted to keep it secret, but my mom told me so that I would be careful about touching her towels and washclothes. We have a strained relationship and I think she'd be like "Haha thats what you get." I have two other sisters and I told the one that I am closest too. She was very supportive. The other sister is VERY judgemental so she'll never know.

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angellady

I find some very positive people here and some negative people here. I have been feeling better about it over all. I still sometimes feel bad about having it, like not feeling "normal". I have only told my closest friends and my brother about it. They were understanding and some were expecting something worse by the way I was reacting. Some of them were calm and ok with it and it made me more ok with it. I just found out I had HSV1 & 2 about a month ago. When I first found out it was hands down the worst day of my life.

But anyways, what I wanted to get to was leaving the guy you're with. I'm single and I'm not worried about dating new guys. The guy I got it from didn't know he had it, and we were just casually dating. But don't stay with a guy just because you're scared of dating new guys. I was doing more research about dating and I heard something like 3/4ths of the of time when you tell a new partner you have herpes they are understanding and won't reject you. It's all about how you handle yourself. I haven't told a new guy yet because I haven't gotten that serious yet, but when I get to a point when I'm dating a guy seriously, I'll tell him and it's not the end of the world. If the guy really likes you, you two can work around it, if he doesn't, well, better to know now that he's not worth it. So, don't feel trapped in these relationships. Get out. Try not to let this virus control who you are.

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Daria79
I was doing more research about dating and I heard something like 3/4ths of the of time when you tell a new partner you have herpes they are understanding and won't reject you. It's all about how you handle yourself....... If the guy really likes you, you two can work around it, if he doesn't, well, better to know now that he's not worth it. So, don't feel trapped in these relationships. Get out. Try not to let this virus control who you are.

Thank you for this. It makes me feel so much better to have some numbers behind that idea (that sounds kinda neurotic doesn't it LOL). :rolleyes:

I'm usually a really funny animated person, but I have been trampling on my spirit a little bit lately and making myself feel down.

Slowly but surely though I'm getting back to my old self, and realizing that this is only the end of my life if i make it so.

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gotitsowhat

This seems to be a common problem

People feel trapped when they find out they have herpes and believe they will have to stay with their present partner because no one else would want them.

Bear in mind that you would not say you feel "trapped" if you had a good relationship with this guy. You'd say you were lucky.

My advice: Do not have any relationships in your life that are based on fear. Putting up with someone who believes he doesn't have to work to please you because he "owns" you is not a life. It's imprisonment.

I don't think it really helps to tell you that there are people out there who would accept you. Deep down you know that your worst fears COULD happen. And no one can talk you out of that. And no one should. Because it's true: You might very well not find anyone to love and be loved by.

But it is at least as likely (personally, I think, MORE likely) that you could find someone out there. Some people are able to accept a partner with what is a common viral condition. And some people already have herpes.

I can't tell you what percentage of acceptance you would find out there. But I can tell you what the percentage chance of finding happiness where you are now is: ZERO. So...your odds out there are MUCH better than that, right?

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Daria79

We broke up last night

I told him again that I wasn't happy with the status quo. He basically said that if he wasn't what I wanted then I should go find someone else. I tried to explain that its not him but the situation. He wasn't hearing it though, so now its over. I got what I asked for I guess. So now I just have to pick myself up again and move on. :roll:

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gotitsowhat

Best of luck

I am glad you had the courage to move on. I believe there are better situations and people waiting for you out there.

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angellady

Good! You're better off without him!

I'm glad to hear things are over with that guy. Once a guy starts saying "oh, why don't you leave me if you don't like things" they're testing you and seeing if you'll break up w/ them because they're not man enough to leave you. Yeah, I've been in a lot of long term relationships and I know the warning signs of a negative relationship. Trust me, you're way better off w/out someone that negative.

Yeah, the biggest thing I was worried about was having sex normally again. This website has a lot of information, and I saw that in between outbreaks you have a 3% or less of a chance (for women) of spreading herpes. So, I don't really have a desire to go sleep around, and there are herbs & medicines that can lower the risk more. But, I feel like I can have sex normally again and next time the next person I sleep with I know will be with me for a good reason and we will be safe.

I dunno, having herpes just makes me feel like I need to take care of myself more. In a weird way it makes me feel special, like, luckily it wasn't something worse and I'll live.

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