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gradstudenthappy

Accepting at first, but ?blabbed? MISERABLE!

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gradstudenthappy

Hi All,

I just want so feedback on "coincidences". I started seeing a guy a while ago and was upfront with him about my HSV-1 status right away. He seemed okay with it (he gets cold sores) and thanked me for my honnesty.

Two days later we were at a party --long story short-- people were writing funny comments on everyone's t-shirts. My bf's roommate (not my bf) suggested for mine to be "what happens on house party stays at house party...except herpes--that spreads". While everyone else had vulgar things written on their t-shirts I thought it was a horrible coincidence.

A few days later am talking with roommate and bf in a big group. Bf says "20% of girls like the boardgame Risk, but 80% of those girls don't know they do" to which the roommate says "dude that took a lot of courage for you to say" -- hmmm? coincident that those were the same stats I used in my TALK with bf?

incident #3---I don't want kids right now, and bf is religious so I figured before we had sex I should let him know what I would do in case of an "accident". little likelyhood as I plan on two methods of birthcontrol...just felt it was the decent thing to say upfront. Again...a few days later same roommate makes loud comment in public about me having an abortion.

I talk to bf about roommate's comments and he denies them earnestly. Each, on its own, would be coincidental but okay. But i feel like these three incidents are too much.

We both got completely tested (good results) before any sexual activity; while he is happy to accept a lot of oral sex from me (he has reciprocated once)-- still won't have intercourse although its clear to both of us that condoms will always be used.

Am I an idiot? I just have difficulty in believing that this "religious" and generally good guy (i was his friend for a while before) would do something so unbelievably heinous!

Thoughts? I'm kinda disappointed because I had stayed in a horrible relationship with a drug addict for so long because I was affraid of possible rejection. But I "put on my big girl pants" and was honest and upfront....and I can't believe someone would respond with such blatent disregard.

But three coincidents seems like too much...plus fact he won't have intercourse. I'm thinking of dumping him....

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Now18

A few days later am talking with roommate and bf in a big group. Bf says "20% of girls like the boardgame Risk, but 80% of those girls don't know they do" to which the roommate says "dude that took a lot of courage for you to say" -- hmmm? coincident that those were the same stats I used in my TALK with bf?

Wow, nasty behavior. They know it's something you're vulnerable about and that they're making light of it on purpose. Plus, the only way they know is because you were honest enough to tell your bf. Are they still in that stage where it's cool to make other people feel bad?

And what is your bf gaining out of making fun of you to his roommate?? If he didn't want to date you he wouldn't be. Perhaps he is very insecure about the whole situation, maybe his roommate made fun of him for accepting a girl with H, and needs to make light of it in order to appear less vulnerable.

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Bella18

I agree with the statement below. Dont ever feel like, (of all people), your bf is making fun of you. Although myself, sometimes my friends try to say things to lighten my mood- the basic message of concern is there. and they DONT EMBARASS U IN PUBLIC!!!!!!

1) you need a new bf

2) people around you are suppose to be supportive, this is why they are your friends.

3) im sorry about the whole thing

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inspired83

You are right to feel confused and hurt. What was said between your bf and you is private. Your bf's roommate shouldn't know about this. However, my guess is that your bf went to his roommate to clear his mind, get advice, and to just vocalize what you told him. Though he said, he is cool with you having this, it is the fact that he went to the roommate and totally violated your trust.

I kind of know how you feel. I work in a small medical office. I informed my 2 co-workers that I have hsv. They are cool with it. However, one co-worker went and told her mom, who is also in the medical field. I only found out about her knowing that I have this only because her business (non-profit for MS) is closing down. She had some free samples of valtrex that she gave me. It was a nice gesture to get some free samples but at the same time, I felt violated that my co-worker told her mom.

My advice to you is to again talk to your bf. Tell him that you are hurt by the fact that what you said was in confidence. I would also confort the roommate. It's not his business but if he is so concerned about women being risky then he should go have a blood test and see what his results are. Who knows, he could be carrying the same disease and not knowing it.

I hope things get better for you!!

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gradstudenthappy

hmmm

thanks! I agree that while he wants to accept me he is still having problems... in all honesty I can understand why he needed to talk to someone about it. HSV can be confusing and scary (that's why we have this discussion board lol)...however, the roommate has the reputation of being not tactful...and you would think that after the first incident with the t-shirt BF would have read him the riot act......or 'fessed up to me and apologized.....

I guess my problem is that he has full-on denied saying anything...is there any possibility that these are just coincidences???

I guess the evidence that, despite being completely tested etc, and we still havn't had intercourse should be enough, plus ..."fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me.................fool me three times...what the hell am I still doing here !?!?"

I'm not good at confrontations and am worried that if I try to dump him over this he'll just deny it...then where am I?

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lovebug

Bizarre... and you both have herpes? wtf?

The bitch in me would be tempted to give the bf the riot act, and let him know that next time his roommate makes a callous remark, you will embarrass bf in public as well. Something to the effect that cold sores ARE herpes, or that 80% of cold sore sufferers think they're above herpes... I don't know. But the bitch in me would come up with something really juicy. Scare the hell out of him.

But the adult in me feels that another talk is in order. Is he really that great of a guy? He's broken your trust. And projecting on you his own fears about his condition. Does he realize that cold sores are herpes? Maybe in some twisted unconscious way, he's blaming you for "giving" him herpes, ie. making him aware that he's had it all along but was blissfully unaware of his status.

Gawd that makes me mad to hear how idiotic some people can be.

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gradstudenthappy
Bizarre... and you both have herpes? wtf?

....

But the adult in me feels that another talk is in order. Is he really that great of a guy? He's broken your trust. And projecting on you his own fears about his condition. Does he realize that cold sores are herpes? Maybe in some twisted unconscious way, he's blaming you for "giving" him herpes, ie. making him aware that he's had it all along but was blissfully unaware of his status.

Gawd that makes me mad to hear how idiotic some people can be.

You are right....I really don't think that he is that great of a guy! Funny--- right now I would much rather have had him scream "dirty whore" at me when I first told him so I knew where he stood. But I guess he didn't know where he stood....although his actions are making it pretty obvious...

ug...now I have to put on my big girl pants and dump HIM...when its HIM that doesn't really want to be with me!!!! what fuckery!

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lovebug

You go grrl! You know what? Herpes does have a tendency to weed out the jerks.

In that next talk you have with him, point out to him that he needs to grow up and take responsibility about HIS condition, unless he wants to continue being blissfully unaware and quite possibly transmit to someone else. I wouldn't just make it about you and your condition. Make it about him and the fact that he needs to come to terms with a virus he has and can potentially transmit.

Best luck to you. Do post back after you set him straight! 8)

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Was23

Quick Q for the ladies

You're out one evening with your bf, and he reveals he has herpes. You discuss the implications. He also describes his tentative life plans, and how having children figures into them (in the short term and the long term), and how he might like to ensure that any children he father arrive at the right time, not the wrong time.

Next day you're having lunch with your BFF girl friend. She asks about how its going with the new bf. Do you mention the herpes talk? Do you mention the children thing?

If yes to both, have you breached the trust? Assume BFF is a bit of a loose canon, and insecure to the point of making inappropriate comments in public. Which she does, regarding what you and your bf discussed that evening. You love her to death, and she has been there for you during some rough times going back a long time, so she is still a valuable friend despite this one drawback. (You know the odd are overwhelming that you and BFF will be close friends a long time in the future. As to bf, who knows?)

bf asks if you told BFF about your talk (in a tone that suggests he thinks it would have been a breach of trust had you done so). What do you say? Would you be even a little bit likely to say no, to "protect" BFF *and* to cover up your breach of trust?

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Now18

I think it's more than that he just told his roommate. He told his roommate and his roommate is making fun of you and he continues to give his roommate info about you full well knowing what the roommate's reaction is.

If your bf was a caring individual, he would realize that telling the roommate anything is a bad idea, and he would start standing up for you. Not only is he letting someone else continue to hurt you, he's making you feel crazy for being hurt by denying everything. Those aren't coincidences.

This guy might like you, but he obviously is way more focused on his own insecurities about the situation than he is on how you feel. You want to be in a relationship with someone mature enough to consider your feelings. Next time you talk to him, or if you dump him, don't ask him if those are coincidences, talk to him confidently and tell him that you KNOW what he is doing. He's probably picking up on the fact that you have some doubt about whether or not his behavior was wrong, and using that doubt to deny it and avoid dealing with apologizing.

Also, what's the roommates motivation in all of this? Is he jealous or something?

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Was23
Also, what's the roommates motivation in all of this? Is he jealous or something?

My guess is that roommate is just a jerk, and getting attention at another's expense. He's insecure and immature. Not atypical in guys that age. While one can hope they don't act this way, the reality is that it's as futile as expecting some women not to gossip. Sometimes they grow up, and sometimes they don't. IMO, the public behavior is the issue, not the discussion with others outside the relationship ('cause everyone does that, and most times its a good thing for all).

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lovebug

I agree. The point is not so much about confiding as it is with immaturity.

Confiding in a friend is one thing. We all do it. And in the case of herpes, it can be a good thing: gf discloses to bf; bf confides in bff; bf and bff are now educated and will make responsible choices in the future.

I wonder... sometimes bringing up herpes in public in this statistical way may be a tactic to "out" oneself. Maybe roommate has this and is trying to make "contact" with someone else?

Or not.

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talesofagirl

is this guy completely ignorant?

Hi All,

I just want so feedback on "coincidences". I started seeing a guy a while ago and was upfront with him about my HSV-1 status right away. He seemed okay with it (he gets cold sores) and thanked me for my honnesty.

Two days later we were at a party --long story short-- people were writing funny comments on everyone's t-shirts. My bf's roommate (not my bf) suggested for mine to be "what happens on house party stays at house party...except herpes--that spreads". While everyone else had vulgar things written on their t-shirts I thought it was a horrible coincidence.

A few days later am talking with roommate and bf in a big group. Bf says "20% of girls like the boardgame Risk, but 80% of those girls don't know they do" to which the roommate says "dude that took a lot of courage for you to say" -- hmmm? coincident that those were the same stats I used in my TALK with bf?

incident #3---I don't want kids right now, and bf is religious so I figured before we had sex I should let him know what I would do in case of an "accident". little likelyhood as I plan on two methods of birthcontrol...just felt it was the decent thing to say upfront. Again...a few days later same roommate makes loud comment in public about me having an abortion.

I talk to bf about roommate's comments and he denies them earnestly. Each, on its own, would be coincidental but okay. But i feel like these three incidents are too much.

We both got completely tested (good results) before any sexual activity; while he is happy to accept a lot of oral sex from me (he has reciprocated once)-- still won't have intercourse although its clear to both of us that condoms will always be used.

Am I an idiot? I just have difficulty in believing that this "religious" and generally good guy (i was his friend for a while before) would do something so unbelievably heinous!

Thoughts? I'm kinda disappointed because I had stayed in a horrible relationship with a drug addict for so long because I was affraid of possible rejection. But I "put on my big girl pants" and was honest and upfront....and I can't believe someone would respond with such blatent disregard.

But three coincidents seems like too much...plus fact he won't have intercourse. I'm thinking of dumping him....

If he gets "coldsores," and they really are coldsores (and not canker sores or something), then he has hsv-1. So why aren't you having sex? He already has what you have. Has he been tested for herpes?

Incidentally, his is a lot more contagious than yours. A LOT.

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gradstudenthappy

thank you all!

Hi All,

I completely agree that it is reasonable for my bf to talk to someone about this issue. When I first spoke to him I told him that actually (in hopes that he would admit to what he is obviously doing).

THe other thing that pisses me off (and I told him this nicely) is that he KEPT telling the blabbing roommate intimate secrets. Also, he has two other roommates --one's a girl and a nurse..so I'm pretty sure she would have been a more intelligent choice. THe other is a guy who has a bit more class and tact.

You are right about it being weird that we havn't had sex...no reason not to! I'm an attractive and fit young lady --- but I feel like I'm repulsive to him or something (except when I'm giving oral lol)

Today is his birthday and he is back home so I don't want to dump him on his b-day (as much as he deserves it lol). I will dump him tomorrow and let you all know how it went.

Thanks for the support..

p.s. ....it may not seem like it but we are all in our mid twenties and graduate students....just goes to show age and formal education apparently have nothing to do with ignorant behaviour!!!!

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gotitsowhat

Dump him today

You won't be having a good time at his birthday and it will show. Phony good wishes never really come across well. So just tell him and let his friends comfort him for the rest of the evening after you leave. Tell him that you cannot be close to someone who betrays your confidences.

(It seems obvious to me, and apparently to everyone posting here, that these comments you noted were not coincidences. However, if you want to know for sure, get the roommate alone and tell him that your boyfriend told you that he told the roommate some intimate information about you and that you hope he, the roommate, can keep it to himself. Then just wait quietly and let Mr. Roommate do the talking. He will probably disclose everything, thinking you already know about it.)

You said that if you confront him with your belief that he has been careless with your feelings and personal information, he will deny it and then where will you be...?

Yes, he will likely deny it. And where you will be, I hope, is secure enough to believe your own perceptions. This comes down to whether you are going to believe what seems obvious to you (and us, too) or whether you will believe a lie combined with your own fantasies/hopes/dreams. If the person talking to you doesn't seem entirely honest, you must believe yourself and your own perceptions. That is the bottom line for this kind of thing. Ultimately, we must trust ourselves. The only exception would be if you have a history of being seriously mentally ill, paranoid and/or pathologically jealous. Otherwise, trust yourself. What you think counts more than what he says.

If you live your life, and your love life, taking a lover's word over your own perceptions, you will be an easy mark for tricky guys. Very few cheaters ever admit it; they are famous (or infamous) for denials, even in the face of strong evidence. You know enough. All you have to do now is trust yourself.

Sounds like those big girl panties are getting a real workout.

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Was23
Dump him today ... (etc.)

I dunno. They're just kids (yes, under thirty, still in school: kids; been there, done that). People talk with their friends, some friends are stupid and immature, people try to cover up and not look bad...

Certainly worth clarifying and letting people know what your feelings are and your expectations, but I vote for giving 'em another chance.

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gradstudenthappy

I dumped him

Hi all,

Just an update. I dumped him this morning (called him in Newfoundland where he's at his parents house) -- I had my speech all ready and my reasoning and had phoned my friends for support. I say "I really think we would be better off as friends"

then....SILENCE!! he does not ask me why or ANYTHING...I think he was in a room with his family....but you know what? you can take the phone into another room (his dad is an MD so it's not like they live in a one room shack!!!)

I'm hurt that he didn't even ask me why. Anyways, I said you can call or ask me any questions.

Ugg....its just more proof that I should not be with him.......but it almost hurts even more! LOL

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Now18

Glad you did it! If he was really the right guy for you, and you had made a mistake by ending this, then he'd be fighting to keep you. Don't be offended by the silence, it's not personal. He probably feels like you slighted him, and he has too much pride to respond.

If you live your life, and your love life, taking a lover's word over your own perceptions, you will be an easy mark for tricky guys. Very few cheaters ever admit it; they are famous (or infamous) for denials, even in the face of strong evidence. You know enough. All you have to do now is trust yourself.

Very true. If a guy knows that you have doubt about your own perceptions, he will use that against you to cover his tracks when lying.

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Was23
Hi all,

Just an update. I dumped him this morning ... I say "I really think we would be better off as friends"

then....SILENCE!! he does not ask me why or ANYTHING...I think he was in a room with his family....but you know what? you can take the phone into another room (his dad is an MD so it's not like they live in a one room shack!!!) ... I'm hurt that he didn't even ask me why. ... Ugg....its just more proof that I should not be with him.......but it almost hurts even more! LOL

Good Grief! You call a guy up to dump him, and then you get offended when his response (shocked silence) doesn't please you?

Honestly! What did you want him to do? Start begging? Arguing? Cursing you? What? (Really! Since you are splaying your drama out here for all to dwell on, tell us what you wanted him to do?)

IMO his reaction indicates you were telling him something he *didn't* want to hear, but given the circumstances (the recent issues/discussions you described above and the fact that you were "dumping him" by phone when he was hundreds of miles away) he knew there was little point in arguing it. (And given your preparation for the call, it sound like that you were all prepared to fend off any pleas to reconsider.)

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lovebug
Good Grief! You call a guy up to dump him, and then you get offended when his response (shocked silence) doesn't please you?

I don't know... seems pretty obvious to me. She was hoping he would at least say something like, oh... I don't know, "why?" or "wtf?" or anything to engage in some kind of conversation.

I think his silence reflects the fact that he simply had nothing to say.

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gotitsowhat

Life will get better....

now that he is out of your life.

I do understand your reaction, even though it seems ridiculous or arrogant to some others posting here. Sometimes silence is the worst thing anyone can say to us. No response feels disrespectful. Even, "I don't know what to say," or, "OK. I agree" would have been better responses and would not have alerted his family to the nature of the conversation. My guess is that he was at his parents house, was in the room with his family, and doesn't care about saving the relationship enough to ask you to talk later, or to go outside and call on his cell phone or take the phone into another room. It was just too much trouble and he also sensed that you were prepared and confident so he knew it wouldn't work to try to talk you out of it. He saw that it was over, so there was no point in going to any particular trouble to end it with a little class. Says a lot about why you are better off without him.

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Was23
...and doesn't care about saving the relationship enough to ask you to talk later, ... so there was no point in going to any particular trouble to end it with a little class...

Um, SHE dumped HIM, via a phone call when he was hundreds of miles away; a well planned and decisive move that clearly precluded the possibility of a change of heart. It wasn't he who was ending it, classy or not. What the hell does anyone expect him to say?

- "Thanks for letting me know our relationship is over. I can't wait to tell my family?"

- "My disappointment that you no longer think I am worthy of your attention can't mask the appreciation I feel for your forthright honesty?"

- "I am so sorry I have failed to live up to your expectations. Perhaps a detailed accounting of my deficiencies would help me improve myself for the next girl I might meet?"

- "Now that its over, lets reminisce about the good times we had together?"

- "How's the weather?"

Look, for all I know the guy IS a cad, but stunned silence at getting dumped that way is no evidence that he is. She made it clear it was a done deal, so begging his way back was not a option. And about the last thing you want to do after someone dumps you is to engage in idle chit chat. And I'm surprised at how many here seem supportive of her narcissistic reaction to his response.

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Shayna

Wow Was23, this seemed to push a button for you. The term "narcissistic" was a bit strong in this case. I think the fact that she's has been building some resentment from continual dissapointment is more likely the reason for the way she ended it like she did.

Personally, I would have packed his lunch in a road map sooner.

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luckyCat

Seems to me that if bf was content to watch you squirm in public while your feelings were batted around like a cat with a new toy by his roommate, then he's too stupid to deserve you if if he cant figure out the 'whys' for himself.

He crossed the line when he allowed your condition which you shared with him in the interest of making him aware, to become a topic of mockery and ridicule and as such, I see no need for you to have taken his feelings into account when you let him go over the phone.

Take of yourself now, and while he's away he can ruminate over what may have led you to take the action you did.

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Now18
Look, for all I know the guy IS a cad, but stunned silence at getting dumped that way is no evidence that he is. She made it clear it was a done deal, so begging his way back was not a option. And about the last thing you want to do after someone dumps you is to engage in idle chit chat. And I'm surprised at how many here seem supportive of her narcissistic reaction to his response.

This is supposed to be a support forum. If someone dumped me over the phone and I didn't want to argue with it I would probably say "Okay, good luck with life" or something. I would be hurt, but I would try to end it on polite terms, especially if we were in the same town or grad school program.

Also, she is not narcissistic at all. I think it's reasonable that she just wanted to communicate to him what went down for the sake of closure. She didn't dump him because she didn't like him, but because he was treating her improperly. If I was getting dumped because I was insensitive to someone's feelings then I'd certainly want to know. But I'm sure that he does know, and that he's the type that just doesn't care.

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