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Found out and got dumped

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It's been a very rough 5 weeks for me. I found out 3 weeks into a new relationship that I had both genital herpes and cold sores. We had been sleeping together, using protection, but as I found out from my doctor, this does not always guarantee you won't become infected. I have never had symptoms before, and neither has he. In fact he still has not had any symptoms. I told him as soon as I found out, and we took a few days apart to think things over. I had told him I would be taking daily medication for a while, that my doctor explained would help me control the virus more and bring my transmission level to 1%. He thought he could handle it, but unfortunately, it did not turn out that way. He dropped me off after spending the weekend together and I received a text message saying he couldn't continue seeing me. We have spoken since then, and he really feels he can't handle it. He doesn't want to accept the fact it may have come from him. He has not gone to see a doctor yet.

I am very heartbroken and extremely hurt. I'm not sure how to handle my emotions right now and am having difficulty getting through each day.

I would like to remain friends with him, as we did have a great time being around each other. I'm just really unsure how to deal with all the feelings I have about how having herpes affects my future relationships. I'm very scared that I won't be able to tell a future partner and that I'll avoid getting involved with anyone.

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We all know how tough a herpes diagnosis can be.

I would not consider being friends with him unless he gets tested. Rather than shun you, he should be concerned with whether or not he may have given it to you. Ask him why he won't get tested. Did your test show whether this is a new infection? You may have had it dormant for a long time and it just surfaced. Or it could be recent in which case you got it from him (assuming he has been your only recent sex partner).

Some people will reject over herpes. Some won't. Some have it already and know all about it. If you withdraw from life (as I did for years after my own hsv2GH diagnosis 14 years ago), your chances of finding someone who will accept you are zero. If you convince yourself that having herpes is just one small thing, not a big deal to many people, and go out there and socialize, you have a chance to find love. We all have things that get in our way of finding love. In my own case, I am 64 years old and overweight. Those are two points against me in the eyes of many men. For some, it's acne, for others it's asthma or something else. We all have lots of things that someone might reject us for--herpes is just one more thing, something we didn't need, don't want but have to live with. If someone cares about you, there is a decent chance they will decide to accept you with your baggage, herpes or other baggage.

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trying to chat

having trouble chatting

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Hi kmi

I am sorry to hear you are hurting. Please know that you are not alone in what you are going through and that a lot of people have gone through this kind of sadness and frustration and have come out stornger and better people.

What you are experiencing is one of the main reasons why the stigma against this condition is so unfair and irrational.

You have a medical issue and the person you have relied on and invested in to love and care about you, the person you've done the most intimate thing with, suddenly doesn't want to be with you. It's totally impossible for any human being to completely process this. So please know that you are going through something that you cannot completely rationalize so don't blame yourself when you can't.

However, you can partially rationalize it:

First of all, why did he text you to tell you he didn't want to see you again? Ask yourself: would you text somebody to let them know something like that? It strikes me as incredibly insensitive, strangely removed and totally panicked. He should know that this situation should only be dealt with compassion and courage. He didn't have either.

Would he do the same if you had diabetes or cancer or something else? Text you tell you he can no longer date you? It's just so wrong, what he did.

How would he have felt if in your panic for finding out about your condition you texted him to tell him about it, or even worse you failed to inform him at all?

Unfortunately, the stigma against herpes is strong enough to make people react in such a cruel way.

But let's say that the text was a momentary lapse of judgement on his part.

Why hasn't he been proactive about getting tested? That shows that he is not informed about the virus and how it gets transmitted or that he is not strong enough to act like an adult and take responsibility for his love life.

It is very likely that he has the virus and transmitted it to you. Most people with the virus are asymptomatic and if he had done research he would know that they are the ones more likely to transmit it since they don't take precautions.

I think you have every right to ask him to get tested and if he refuses, send him a link to the herpes handbook and tell him that he need to know the FACTS before making a decision.

When your sexual partner tells you they have it you should run to a clinic and get a test and live your life with awareness and responsibility. But ignorance is bliss and texting is easy.

Please don't blame yourself for what happened and don't allow his issues to cloud your judgement and corrode your self-esteem. You have a virus that millions and millions of people have and you have nothing to be ashamed of. A man dumping you for having a common infection is just not the person you'd want to have around when a real problem hits, which always does. His reaction was immature to say the least.

You need time to yourself to calm down and accept the situation. Make sure that you take care of your body, do research and find out more about the virus and the facts of it and don't filter your experience through his weakness.

Be strong. It gets better and there's people out there who can think for themselves.

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Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

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    • valleynovascotia
      Any advice on on how i can change the way she thinks of her insecurities in the event I ever see her again or hang out with her or do you guys think that it's better too just walk away. The truth is though i never met another girl like her before and she was fine with me having herpes i could tell by the she reacted too it . How do you change the way someone views them self that has low self esteem. 
    • WilsoInAus
      Note @Asr624 that an IgM result does not confirm a herpes diagnosis. Was the rash swabbed as well?
    • LiveLife100
      Yes it's entirely possible that he didn't know and just now gave it to you. I've been with my husband almost 19 years and he was recently tested and is still negative. It's still possible of course that I could give it to him at any point. Sounds like you have a strong marriage and there is no reason this needs to be an issue other than a minor annoyance. I have 2 healthy children and have had no related medical issues due to HSV.
    • Hellothere123
      I have been with him and didn’t tell him and now I can’t tell him because I know it would ruin any chance of reconciliation. I don’t want to live with this and I don’t want to live without him 
    • Asr624
      I am so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that. Praying for you. 

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