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miss sunshine

not having "the talk" = major guilt!

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miss sunshine

I was diagnosed with genital herpes 12 years ago, and am still dating at the age of 35. I have had "the talk" with all but one boyfriend and have been very fortunate to find them supportive, understanding, and willing to continue the relationship.

Now, a difficult confession: I was in heavy denial at one point about 6 years ago. Having no recurrences for many years, I started letting myself think I was no longer affected, no longer able to transmit the virus. I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time. He talked me into not using condoms, and I ended up passing the virus to him! He was angry, and shocked that I didn't tell him ahead of time. Of course, he left me. I deserved that for not being honest with him. The trust was out the window. I beat myself up about that for years, and struggled to forgive myself for this horrible mistake.

From that point on, I vowed to always disclose the truth of my diagnosis before having sex for the 1st time. Casual sex was no longer an option. I had to get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable broaching this difficult subject with them. My honesty was met with understanding and support every time I had "the talk".

So you'd think I would be strong, right? But I let my guard down recently. In a moment of weakness, I had sex with a new guy without having "the talk". We wore a condom, but I feel so guilty that I didn't disclose this info and allow him to make an informed decision. I like him and respect him, and I want to tell him the truth, but now I'm afraid of what his reaction will be. I fear he'll feel angry and betrayed. I can't believe I did this, after learning that harsh lesson long ago.

My dilemma is this: when you're first getting to know someone and you really like eachother, how do you bring up something so personal and serious without sending them running in the opposite direction? I should have abstained from having sex until we reached a deeper level of communication and intimacy - that's the answer. Herpes and casual sex do not mix!

So, what do I do now? I need to tell this new guy the truth, right? Even though he's not my boyfriend, even though we've just had fun times and don't know eachother very well? There's some part of me that just wants to hide, and not face it, pretend it never happened, and let him drift away. Some people seem to think you don't need to disclose until things get "serious", but is that fair? Any advice or encouragement out there?

Thanks for listening!

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TinyCHILD

Its is always a good idea to tell your partner as you start seeing him/her. they will determine if they want to be if you or not, they reason for that is no one will waste (sorry thats a harsh word) each other times.

Or

you can date for awhile and when your comfortable to pop the question then that will determine. but to me your still in the same boat but it was a longer journey to find out the answer, when you could've gotten the answer in the start to the relationship.

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breckgirl

I am in the same boat right now. I waited until he was in love with me. Now he will never look at me the same way again. He feels violated, taken advantage of, his power has been taken away, I made a fool out of him, I tricked him into loving me. These are all things he said to me last night. We are waiting for the results of his test. I hope he is negative for his sake but as for me...I am certain the relationship is over because he will never trust me again. I have had the talk with men on other occassions and was never met with the result I am dealing with now. This is new territory for me. If you are using condoms, it will lessen the blow I think. At least he will know that you are trying to protect him to some degree. When he asks to make love without one, maybe you could gently tell him..."Hunny, we have to talk. I have a history of HSV and I have insisted on using condoms because I want to protect you." He will either say "Wow! I am so glad you wanted to protect me and thank you for telling me before we did something silly like have unprotected sex." In a perfect world.

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