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breckgirl

Raking me over the coals

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breckgirl

It was going to be brief, but I just got carried away. Thanks for reading.

I stood up for myself today. Should I feel bad? I did lie after all.

First of all, as some of you may know, I told my boyfriend about my status about a month ago. We had been dating for about a month and having unprotected sex. Lots and lots of unprotected sex that blew my head off. Just thought I would throw that in. Moving right along. The talk did not go well. It went down more like "THE TELL" and it just was not a good situation. Not my finest hour. He has been beating the emotional shit out of me ever since that night. He has not ended the relationship with me and says that he is confused because he does love me and he wants me so badly, but he is so conflicted because of the lie. Yes, I lied to him. I withheld my status (but in all fairness to me, because this is after all, all about me, he did not ask) I would have told him if he had asked. I know, I know, I should have told him. I have learned a valuable lesson from this situation. I WILL NEVER WITHHOLD THIS INFORMATION AGAIN.

Cut to the present...a month has gone by and he just got tested on Monday. He has not called for the results of his tests. In the past three/four weeks he has continued to have sex with me and practically demands that I give him oral sex. When I hesitate, he acts hurt. "Why do you keep pushing me away?" he says. I suggest we use a condom, his response is "well, it's a bit late for that now isn't it?" In between "sexy time" as we like to call it, he seems to take great pleasure in making me feel like crap. He withdraws, he pouts, he makes snide remarks, cruel jokes, and makes innuendos about my past and how I must be a whore who would fuck anything because that is the stigma that accompanies this sort of thing. "Honey, I don't want to be mean to you, but these things just pop into my head." The other day I went to his house and he was being quiet and I want to encourage him to talk about what he is feeling because he refuses to talk to his family or a counselor and talking about it is the first step to healing. I got a great big dose of "I feel betrayed, I feel trapped, you lied, you are untrustworthy, I don't know if I will ever get over this. I will never have sex again. You will go on with your life whether I get over it or not. My life is over." All of his feelings are justified. He keeps saying it isn't the virus itself, but "the lie, The Lie, THE LIE!!!" AHHHHHHHHHHH, he just can't stop thinking about it. When I say "I don't know what to say, except that I am sorry I have done this to you and I am sorry I caused these feelings in you." He says I don't sound or look very sincere when I say that. Over the weekend, I was a total mess. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't even look at him without my eyes welling up and the tears falling. He said terrible things to me the night before and had me convinced that I needed to pull out my little black book and tell ALL of my lovers before him that I was infected. It was a hard day. All week at work I am racked with guilt over this. I cry, I fuck up on my job, I am neglecting my kids. But I want to be strong for him because if I am a mess in front of him, I am afraid he will get more scared than he already is. So I don't cry. I told him that I am starting to get the feeling that he is only happy when I am a wreck on my knees begging him for forgiveness. "At least you look sincere." he said. But wait a minute, he said he didn't like it when women cried because he sees it as a form of manipulation and I might not get the response I am hoping for if I cry. I'm so fucked up.

So today, I told him he was being kind of a dick to me. How can he say that he loves me and continue to be mean to me with his snide remarks about women in general and what cock sucking whores they all are. I think that I have had about enough of make [breckgirl] pay for lieing to me time. I said to him that I had not been mean to him, why is he so mean to me? He said "Well, why would you be mean to me...it isn't as if I told you a lie or anything like that, so why would you be mean? I was like...yeah, but I have just sat back and allowed him to say whatever he wants to me. After all, I have it coming, I brought it on myself. I think that he has forgotten that even after I told him about the herpes, he has continued to be intimate with me and he didn't get his ass to the doctor right away. He doesn't call me, he doesn't say I love you anymore, he is not very loving towards me. I have not seen him in two days because he has not asked to see me. He does not initiate conversation with me and when he does it's is some stupid "what if" scenario. "What if you were at the bar and you picked some random dude up and took him home with you...would you tell him?" I was like...I am not answering that question. If I say "yes, absolutely" then I will get "Well why the hell didn't you tell me then?!!!" if I say no then it's "see? you haven't changed." There is no right answer except to say that I don't pick up random dudes at bars, so it is a stupid question. Anyway, I said that if he only feels good/better when i feel bad, then this was not going to work for either of us. I want to see him but I cannot continue to subject myself to the daily flogging of "why didn't you tell me???" I made a mistake. I said I'm sorry. I want to try to move forward. Throw me a bone. He said he was sorry and he would try to be more grown up about it. I guess we will see.

Part of me wants to preserve what self respect I have left and run away no matter what the results of his test are. I am pretty certain the relationship is over anyway. I can be treated like crap by a guy who doesn't know I have herpes for crying out loud, why would I continue to allow this man who says he loves me treat me like dirt?

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ntdc

passive aggressive bull shit , break up with him , if he is pos. this shit will never end, if he is negative you will either lose intamacy or he will eventually contract it and then continue to hassle you over it.

Please be up front with future partners. At the very least you should have insisted on protected sex.

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tinks

Yes you've done something stupid but whats done is done, he sounds like victim-bully, ntdc has summed it up perfectly.

To save yourself from being emotionally destroyed, RUN.

Tx

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Butterfly of the Moment

I'm sorry, yes you should have told him, and he has the right to be angry and WALK AWAY... but there is no excuse for him to continue to emotionally ABUSE you...and it is mental abuse...you need to get out...he is not going to suddenly see the light and become the lover you need...if he cared about having herpes...he would go to the doctor or a lab (they call you with results within 3 days) and find out his status like YESTERDAY...he would not continue to have unprotected sex with you either. I'm sorry, but would you want your sister, or girlfriend, or daughter to date someone that treats them like a prostitute...forget that. And you do not need to do anything you are not comfortable with either like getting out your black book and contacting these guys...it's your call. If he changes by some miracle, okay try it out, but if he reveals even a flicker of the emotional black hole that he was, then cut your losses and heal without him.

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Lookonthesunnyside

Yeah despite what happened, I think this guy is way out of line and taking way too much pleasure in trying to make you suffer. Forgetting that this has to do with herpes, (which he doesnt even seem that concerned about considering he wants to keep having unprotected sex and hasnt been tested), couples do sometimes betray each other or lie about things. If they know they're wrong and want to make up for it you dont torture that person and continually put them down. If you care about someone you forgive them and wouldnt want to see them upset. Even if this wasnt about herpes, I think you have some unacceptable behavior to deal with in the future if you stay with this guy. Also, now being controlling/demanding in bed while simultaneously making you feel bad about yourself and calling you names like "whore" is reallly reallly creepy behavior.

Yes, you made a mistake. But honestly, the behavior that stands out as being wrong here is really is. You do not deserve this. I think you need to say saya-effing-nara to this guy and find someone who will be respectful.

I'm so sorry he's got you trapped in this emotional cycle of guilt. It really is emotional abuse and Im glad you're starting to stand up for yourself. I can see how when you already feel guilty it would be easy to get wrapped up in all of this. But also, how long would he use this against you? This could go on for years where whenever he's pissed at you he throws this in your face. You dont want that right? You dont deserve it.

Ahh I hope you're feeling better. Keep us updated. *hugs*

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gotitsowhat

When people in our lives mess up and apologize...

we have two basic choices; we can forgive them and move on or we can decide that what they have done is unforgivable (at least by us) and distance ourselves from them indefinitely (or perhaps until they expiate their misdeed in some way acceptable to us).

Torturing them is not an option.

Do not allow yourself to accept punishment that the U.S. Supreme Court has declared unconstitutional.

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Plupha

Yes you lied, but you also told the truth, and apologized. Your lie does not give him the right to emotionally abuse you like that.

In no way does your lie compare or even remotely call for the level of ignorance, disrespect and cruelty he is displaying.

I know he's apologized and said he would try to be more grown up... but I think you need to consider the way he's been acting. What will happen the next time you do something that upsets him?

Is he going to belittle you for months if you do something like break a dish? Or if you forget to call? If you say something he doesn't like?

If anything, you need to look at his response and consider the fact that he may very well do this again over something completely different. It's a good indicator of the kind of person he is and the way he reacts to certain things...

I'm not saying to break up with him or not, that is your choice. But consider his actions and think about what they say about him and who he is.

Think about if that is something you want in your life.

Good luck.

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Shayna

It started on a bad note, but this person sounds like he is showing his way of dealing with problems. It's probably best to move on and have some peace, especially for the sake of your children you mentioned.

Best of Luck!!

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breckgirl

Thank you thank you thank you all for your input and support!!!! I am so glad I found this site and joined. I have learned a lot. I think that this experience has changed the way I look at casual sex (uh yeah...thing of the past!) and honesty in a relationship. A few years ago, I met a man (a real nice man). We went to a few movies, had lunch a couple of times then I asked him what his intentions toward me where. I was very frank and I asked him if he wanted to be friends or if he wanted to have sex with me, what was the deal? He said "As a matter of fact, I would like to be friends, maybe more and I would definitly like to have sex with you. But the thing is about a year ago I got genital herpes." I told him that I had it too and that wow I can't believe he disclosed that to me without even sleeping with me yet. We did not go out again. Not because I didn't want to date him because of herpes but because I met someone else shortly after that whom I ended up with for 18 months. My point is if this man can be brave enough to disclose this information to me and we were not involved with eachother but just starting out without fear of rejection, I think I can do it to. If they reject me, that's okay. I have not lost anything because I have not invested anything yet except maybe a few saturdays. I saw my guy tonight and he was sincerely apologetic about the way he had been acting. He said he did not set out to be malicious or cruel. I am not sure if we decided anything tonight, but I feel better about where we stand. If the romantic aspect of our relationship does not last, at least we will try to be friends. I don't want to think that I have involved myself with an emotional terrorist. He asked me if I wanted him to decide right now if it was over and I said no, not right now, but soon because I cannot go on like this. I do love him and I hope that if he can't get over THE LIE he will let me go.

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Now18

Herpes is an excuse for his behavior. If he wasn't making you feel guilty over that, he'd eventually find another way to manipulate you.

Also, emotional abuse goes hand in hand with guys who are demanding in the bedroom. The thing you said about oral sex weirded me out.

I really feel for you. Even smart, self-aware people can get caught up with emotionally abusive partners. I have been an abusive relationship with a guy who was physically abusive, who threw temper tantrums and flipped out, and another guy who was emotionally abusive in a passive aggressive way (guilt trips, negative body language, backhanded comments, overly critical) as well as a sexual way (always demanding rough sex, criticizing me if I was not tearing his clothes off and jumping him 5x a day). The passive-aggressive dude was way worse because he made me feel like I was the crazy one. He kept a calm disposition while being abusive while I was the one always in tears.

Go to this website. http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

Or read this book... The Bully in the Relationship: Stop Emotional Abuse and Get the Love You Deserve by Anne-Renee Testa

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breckgirl
Herpes is an excuse for his behavior. If he wasn't making you feel guilty over that, he'd eventually find another way to manipulate you.

Also, emotional abuse goes hand in hand with guys who are demanding in the bedroom. The thing you said about oral sex weirded me out.

I really feel for you. Even smart, self-aware people can get caught up with emotionally abusive partners. I have been an abusive relationship with a guy who was physically abusive, who threw temper tantrums and flipped out, and another guy who was emotionally abusive in a passive aggressive way (guilt trips, negative body language, backhanded comments, overly critical) as well as a sexual way (always demanding rough sex, criticizing me if I was not tearing his clothes off and jumping him 5x a day). The passive-aggressive dude was way worse because he made me feel like I was the crazy one. He kept a calm disposition while being abusive while I was the one always in tears.

Go to this website. http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

Or read this book... The Bully in the Relationship: Stop Emotional Abuse and Get the Love You Deserve by Anne-Renee Testa

Now18, You hit the nail on the head. I never thought of it that way. "guilt trips, negative body language, backhanded comments, overly critical" I am in love with an emotional terrorist. I would rather he hit me with his fists, at least then I can fight back and beat the crap out of him (he is 1in shorter than me...heh heh heh). I wonder if this behavior will stop after he gets his test results.:confused: Probably not and I am resigning myself to the fact that my dream date was a bigger fraud than me.:( I am going to check that book out and go to that website. Thanks

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Now18

Good luck. That book really helped me out, so I hope it's helpful for you. Just remember, a person who truly loves you will be supportive of you!

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