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sassynstrong

Flipping between positive/negative; affecting how I interact with others

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sassynstrong

Suppose I'm here because having herpes is impacting my life...I'm allowing it to happen. I was married for 20 years and I knew he had it. I ended up getting at the end of our marriage. I'm a busy professional who tries to keep a positive attitude about most things. I have had positive experiences with dating and ultimately becoming intimate with people who knew I had it. The relationships did not end because of anything related to herpes. One, we just weren't right for each other for the long term and the other ended up turning into a long distance relationship because I took a promotion...which also leads to we weren't right for each other in the long term. I told myself that I was much more than the sexually transmitted disease...just a medical condition. But, I moved...I didn't know if this was going to be a permenant location, so I kinda isolated myself. I wasn't open to dating...the whole time saying to myself that it was because I didn't want to get involved with people in general because I didn't want the emotional entanglements...I have standards...etc...

I went through a lot of stress, travel, exhaustion, emotions from the divorce finally catching up, etc. I crashed and burned. I found that I had made friends here. But, what I am finding is that I wasnt isolating myself from people or experiencing life because this location was possibily temporary...I was isolating myself because I've allowed having herpes affect my feelings of self worth...even after having the positive experiences that I had. I'm expecting that the other shoe will drop. I will get involved with someone, like them and then get rejected because of something I can't change. That they will think less of me as a person...etc. I don't want to feel that pain. That fear of that possibility...not reality...but possibility is greater than I can overcome with telling myself positive things. I have become defensive and closed down. I have engaged in fight or flight behaviors before even going on dates. I refuse dates or am not interacting in a receptive manner because I don't want to have "the conversation." I had met someone here...he knows...and was still trying to reach out to me to either show friendship or see where it goes, but I just continued to ignore or not give him the encouragement he deserved. It all centers around my own perceptions of myself, not how others continue to value me as a person or a prospective partner. I don't value myself in the same way. Intellectually I know this, but emotions and feelings are not always logical. So, I'm here to get support to reframe my thoughts and feelings. My friends still love me just as I am and don't give it a second thought. But, again, it is me.

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GntiNh

Just answered in your other post.

Here is the place to find support. The chat room is a good and reading other postings are enlighening.

"emotions and feelings are not always logical". No they aren't but they are part of all of us.

If I have learnt nothing else I have accepted myself for who I am. I hope you can too.

Keep posting :)

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