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8675309

Heartbroken...for her and me.

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8675309

Hello All, for the first time in my life I feel, completely and utterly alone. Even as I type this to a forum of people who have the same condition. Do I walk past any of you on the streets on my way to work? Do we catch each other's glance on the train? Where are you guys? I fear most of you will be locked in this text box and online forum forever.

Growing up in a religious household, I was a self-described prude. In fact, I made it through 4 years of college as a varsity athlete as a virgin and, quite matter of factly, always viewed sex as sacred and feared losing my virginity. I was your regular uptight, Puritanical, type A overachiever. In my first relationship out of college, I met a great girl who had HSV-1 (cold sores), though she didn't know it. In my first sexual relationship (at age 23!!), after two months of dating her, I got HSV-1 of the mouth and genitals from kissing and oral sex with her. It was DEVASTATING. How did the clean cut guy get an STD? Not me, right? I have never shared it with anyone. I never held it against her - as I said she was a great girl, but it put a barely noticeable strain on the relationship. We dated for five years, but I could not commit to her. I think in my heart I wanted to date other people but was too scared to tell her that and have to venture out and brave the dating world as a sexual leper. It would not have been fair to commit to her knowing that my heart was not completely in it. We have since broken up, and she has been supportive. She urged me to date other people. I am heartbroken for her and for me. She's older and the biological clock is ticking.

Two weeks ago, I went on my second date with a GREAT, BEAUTIFUL, girl. I told her she may be wondering why I hadn't kissed her up until that point and explained that I had a history of cold sores (I figured I'd save the genital part until I knew her better). Well, without hesitation she kissed me and it was wonderful. All my fears laid to rest! She ended the date saying it was her first good date in a year and she had not met anyone like me before. Woo hoo, right? Well, we have not had a third date and she has been "busy" lately....for like two weeks. I have concluded that she must have assumed I had an STD.

So now that I have indulged in this lengthy sob story (if you are still reading at this point, thanks) I must say that I am former college athlete, healthy eater, regularly work out. I want a family someday. I want cute little children when the time is right. But I was hoping to achieve those things in the natural course of dating and finding the right person - and I feel like that's been robbed from me. After 6 years of having herpes, I have not told anyone close to me about my condition. So, how do I now go out and tell people I've met for the first time "hey, I'd love to kiss you but I have this cold sore thing you should be aware of"? I feel hopeless, I feel like all the things I did growing up to be upstanding, pure, high-road, whatever you want to call it mean nothing now. A girl who called me her best date in a year won't call back because of herpes.

Since my initial genital outbreak 6 years ago, I have had 2 cold sores on my mouth and NOTHING ELSE. I haven't had a cold sore in three years but I just lost a possible great relationship over herpes. If I'm supposed to be putting a positive spin on this, someone please tell me how....

Thank you guys,

SG

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spiritedreamer

Hi, I just wanted to tell you, hang in there. I found out yesterday that I have GHSV-2 but i've had cold sores on my mouth since i can remember. I dont know how i got either of them-i've been seeing this guy for a year now and have never even thought of sleeping with anyone else. he doesnt know if he wants me anymore and i'm hanging in limbo. I dont know if I'll live through this as a sane human being, but be strong!! I've always been the biggest pessimist ever and I cant help but hope I'll find someone right for me who can go accept that I'm infected ..god knows what gave me herpes but I dont. I truely, honestly, have no idea where I got it because I've only ever slept with one person for an entireyear now. BE STRONG!!!

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FaithfulOne

So sad to hear your story....Hang in there.....Read the statistics on HSV & you may have a different outlook on the situation.......

I was also recently diagnosed with HSV....As I stated in a previous post and as others state, none of us thought it would happen to us.....I too am a very "picky", kind of person.....never been the kind to sleep around, although it could have been so easy....but I was not like that......I too followed all the safety routes, so I thought.......and then now I am being told, 8 years into my marriage, that I have HSV.....It is very devastating, but the fact is, at least 80% of people have this "virus".....There are millions, like me, that just didn't know it.......

Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.

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8675309

your thoughts

Spirtiedreamer and FaithfulOne....thank you for your words of encouragement. I guess the thing that makes this the hardest is that aside from an internet chat room, or on a couch paying hourly, I have NO ONE PERSONALLY TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS. People I know are like: "man, you're smart, athletic, etc...why aren't you dating more?" I can't explain it to them.

All I can say is that I have tried to live to a higher standard every day and be the "bigger person", be compassionate, sort of like a renaissance man (haha) - way before I even knew what herpes was! Sounds sappy, but I think life's too short to not care about those things. Which is why it's so hard to comprehend that I may have to lower my standards, or deal with the fact that I won't be able to let a woman truly get to see that side of me before I have to tell her that I am infected with an STD. I guess "deserve" has nothing to do with this, does it? It was heartbreaking to hear the words come out of my mouth sitting next to this smart, attractive, funny girl who I really wanted to see again: "I have a history of cold sores." You fear the rejection, and then it happens.

Being in a relationship for the past 5 years has shielded me from these feelings of fear, self-doubt, anxiety, etc. I guess, I am dealing with herpes for the first time six years after the fact. Wow. I guess at this stage it's about letting go and hoping that a 1-in-a-million woman who doesn't care that she could be infected with a disease just to be with me comes walking along. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other at this stage, but it's hard to look forward to anything down the road when the near term looks so dim. So dim.

But thank you for taking the time away from your own personal struggles to give me a pick-me-up. I believe what goes around comes around and you have both helped a soul in distress tonight.

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

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Shayna

Hi 8675309, and welcome to the forum!

Please read all the informational links to the right of the forum page. It will demystify the virus, and educate you about hsv and how to manage it.

Your future is open to great relationships! There is a high likelyhood you could meet someone who already carries the hsv1 virus, which would make yours a non-issue.

Also, if you are really wanting to talk with people in person about hsv, you might look to see if your area has a support group. Some members here have found one in their area and they have really enjoyed them.

Take care!

Shayna

PS..I now have that song stuck in my head 867 530 niiiieeeey-iiiiiine! :lol:

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FaithfulOne
Spirtiedreamer and FaithfulOne....thank you for your words of encouragement. I guess the thing that makes this the hardest is that aside from an internet chat room, or on a couch paying hourly, I have NO ONE PERSONALLY TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS. People I know are like: "man, you're smart, athletic, etc...why aren't you dating more?" I can't explain it to them.

All I can say is that I have tried to live to a higher standard every day and be the "bigger person", be compassionate, sort of like a renaissance man (haha) - way before I even knew what herpes was! Sounds sappy, but I think life's too short to not care about those things. Which is why it's so hard to comprehend that I may have to lower my standards, or deal with the fact that I won't be able to let a woman truly get to see that side of me before I have to tell her that I am infected with an STD. I guess "deserve" has nothing to do with this, does it? It was heartbreaking to hear the words come out of my mouth sitting next to this smart, attractive, funny girl who I really wanted to see again: "I have a history of cold sores." You fear the rejection, and then it happens.

Being in a relationship for the past 5 years has shielded me from these feelings of fear, self-doubt, anxiety, etc. I guess, I am dealing with herpes for the first time six years after the fact. Wow. I guess at this stage it's about letting go and hoping that a 1-in-a-million woman who doesn't care that she could be infected with a disease just to be with me comes walking along. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other at this stage, but it's hard to look forward to anything down the road when the near term looks so dim. So dim.

But thank you for taking the time away from your own personal struggles to give me a pick-me-up. I believe what goes around comes around and you have both helped a soul in distress tonight.

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I understand where you are coming from completly.

Please take an hour or so, when you are "free" and do a GOOGLE search for "How do I tell a girlfriend that I have herpes" and maybe change the wording around and you will find LOTS of helpful ways to tell someone, and that person not being disgusted, so to speak......I found the info. somewhere while I was researching something else and it had alot of good suggestions and what to not say and what to say. Here is a link that may help: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/if-i-have-herpes-how-can-i-tell-the-new-guy-im-dating/

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Butterfly of the Moment

Hey there, according to some statistics approximately 80% of the American population has been exposed to herpes type 1. I'm thinking any woman you may be interested in dating most likely will have the virus. You can't catch herpes from eachother if you have the same type. I find myself wondering as well if people I see are going through the same thing. I have type 1 and type 2...I use to be very conservative as well and athletic and studious...I had sex for the first time when I was 19 and it was rape. I was a virgin and then I changed. I've never been in love before and had never had a boyfriend...men were attracted to me but I felt like they only wanted me for one thing and after a while I gave it to them b/c I suppose in part it was in retaliation that I could be just as unattached as well. The wrong way to go...men gave up easily on me when I was hesitant to date them...eventually I wanted a boyfriend to experience and I pursued this man...I ended up loving him not what I expected b/c at first it was purely physical. I don't think you did anything wrong...you waited, but fate can be cruel. I wish I only gave myself to someone that loved me and respected me like you did. If you make a woman feel like a gem and treat her right, you can't go wrong. I think it's refreshing when a man isn't trying to get in my pants right away...it's good to be honest. By the third date it's a good time to tell. You will be okay, you have the most common strand of herpes that the majority of the population has so please get out there...if I had just type 1 genital I'd already be there :) If you can't do it for you, do it for the kids you are going to have someday and your future lady who never felt complete until she met you. I believe in being positive b/c I have a dark place and it hurts too much to revel in negativity.

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ginnyp

I have also done ALMOST everything right in my past, except for having sex too young. But I protected myself, until I lived with someone. And that's where I believe I got herpes.

I do think you are looking at this wrong. I found out I have hsv2, negative for hsv1. I told my current bf, who was negative for hsv2. He had only been with me for a few weeks, and he did not run away. He was very worried at first, and we stopped having sex for a while. We then started again AFTER he was ready. And I WASN'T as ready.

After a year, he retested and this time was tested for both types. Like the stats say, he was positive for type 1, still negative for type 2. So we realized we BOTH have herpes. Not just me. We both have herpes,and because we have different types we could both catch each other's type and have BOTH.

Almost two years later, we both realize that it doesn't matter! WE really love each other, and we've been through a LOT together, and just tonight I said I wonder if I've gotten your type, because I have this pain on my mouth and I also had it a few weeks ago. No sore, but pain when I push a glass against it. And he said, well at this point I don't think it matters to either of us. And he's right. I'm not worried, he's not worried, we both know we have onetype and could get the other, but we also both know we love each other and so it doesn't matter.

My point is, he wanted to date me regardless of the herpes, and for a year before he knew he had type 1. He didn't really know me, but thought I was worth pursuing. He also proved to me that yes, lots of people can have herpes without knowing it, because he had never had signs, but he tested positive for type 1. You have type 1, so more people than not are going to share this virus with you. Most people will either know about it or have it. They may not even tell you about it.

You do not have to lower your standards. Or accept someone who isn't right for you. I know it doesn't seem fair, to do everything "right" and get herpes anyway, but it happens. Some people have more than their share of these unfair things. Try not to worry as much about this, because you WILL find someone.

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spiritedreamer

if you were anywhere near me, I would so totally sit there and sulk with you because i feel EXACTLY the way you do. Even as my bf said,I love you no matter what, he is leaving me. Mabe we can sit on the sofa at the exact same time and pretend like we're next to each other..=)

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justmyself

You are assuming that she assumed you have an STD because you told her you get cold sores. Sounds like a lot of assumptions to me. There could be many other reasons why she isn't going out with you again. Either way, there are plenty of other girls out there and it sounds like you have a lot going for you and should have no problem finding someone. Check out some of the H+ dating sites just for the heck of it. You will see that there are many people from all walks of life affected by this, doctors, lawyers, business executives, and beautiful young college women who got it the same way you did, the first time they had sex! Don't again "assume" that you have to "lower your standards" and date someone who is H+. If you choose to date H+ people, again, there are plenty of beautiful ones out there to choose from. If you choose not to, there is such a small risk of spreading this when not in an outbreak. If you have not already done so, read the information on the right side of this website. Given time, you will realize that this is like a cold virus that doesn't go away and is only a minor inconvenience when it chooses to rear its ugly head occasionally with an outbreak.

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GntiNh

[quote=8675309;115310c

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

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8675309

dealing with the pain, a loss

To everyone who has replied, it was so nice to come home to so many uplifting messages today. I am really fighting that hurt right now. You know the kind I'm talking about, right? No appetite, sinking feeling in the stomach and a knot in the throat. I guess the combination of rejection and dealing with herpes has had me in a downward spiral lately. Both of those can really attack your self esteem and self worth that at times over the past two days it is almost scary to me how "down" I have become. I never knew I could get this low.

What I want to say to all of you is the fact that so many people took the time out of their day to respond to my call for help make me feel better about people in general. I will do what I can to stay positive in part because of you guys who inspire me with your positive attitude. Some days are worse than others and when it gets really DARK, I will surely need the support of this forum in the future. I only hope that I can eventually get myself back to a positive place where the smile on my face is genuine and I walk a little taller again.

Have a good night.

SG

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8675309

just a clarification

Hi everyone, I just wanted to mention one thing about the quote I used from Catcher in the Rye that I found inspirational. Someone on this forum was kind enough to remind me that the person who spoke the quote in the book was actually a male child molester who made advances toward Holden Caulfield, the main character!

I guess in my love of the book and the theme of innocence lost I forgot to acknowledge the source of the quote. If anyone else noticed that, I just want to say that maybe I could have chosen a better source, but the message is essentially the same: we can learn from the struggles of others and grow from them. In a way, it turns a negative into a positive. Thanks again to all who responded. I hope you all have a good weekend.

SG

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E2F83
Hello All, for the first time in my life I feel, completely and utterly alone. Even as I type this to a forum of people who have the same condition. Do I walk past any of you on the streets on my way to work? Do we catch each other's glance on the train? Where are you guys? I fear most of you will be locked in this text box and online forum forever.

SG

I know how you feel. I feel locked in this forum and I've only been on for 2 days.

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