Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Sign in to follow this  
JustKeepSwimming

Rollercoaster. Long, random, point-less rambling without much direction.

Recommended Posts

JustKeepSwimming

My mood and emotions are fluctuating rapidly. Right now as I write this out in this moment, I'm calm, contemplative, and generally "OK." Twelve minutes ago I was a crying hysteric wreck.

Yesterday I received a voicemail saying "all of your test results came back normal except for Herpes II. Please make a follow up appointment to come in and discuss this with your doctor."

I called back entirely distraught. The earliest appointment I can get is over a week away. My situation wasn't an emergency, so the woman couldn't give me an emergency same-day appointment. That's ok. It's just an enormous personal emergency-crisis-extraordinaire! I'll sit here, painfully sit here I might add, and feel anxious, angry, depressed, disgusted, questioning my life, my behavior, my morals, my entire sense of self. You see up to this point my thoughts and opinions about herpes were dictated by the socially stigmatized stereotypical image of herpes and what someone with herpes is like. Now I'm the horribly judgmental idiot WITH herpes, newly diagnosed, scared ****less, only seeing a life sentence. A life without. I'm broken. Damaged. Never to love or be loved again. Sure, no problem, see you in over a week.

For the last 16 hours I've cried, slept, cried, researched, felt better, cried myself into a zombie-ish sleeplike state where I still couldn't escape reality, felt terribly alone, felt positively reassured, cried, rinse, repeat. The last hour and a half have been spent reading these forums. I cried along as I read and related to some posts, while other posts helped me dry my eyes and feel like maybe life after a herpes diagnosis is possible. And not just a life, but a happy life. A life that includes love and intimacy and not a constant and steady stream of judgment. Truthfully I'm my own worst enemy. The thought of telling anyone anytime soon is deeply upsetting, but I'm downright cruel to myself. Sometimes. Then other times I'll admit I'm strong and I'll get through this.

Let me go check my results page again, cause I swear I suddenly have multiple personalities now too! Is multiple personality and herpes co morbid?? I can't seem to make up my mind about how I feel!

Hi. I'm new here, and I'm newly diagnosed with Herpes Simplex II.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Seatortuga

Hi! You seem to be handling it quite well, and I was in your same position and had your exact reaction when I was first diagnosed a little over six months ago. Glad you found this forum and found out you're not grody at all. It's so common and insignifcant, I'm beginning to wonder what all the hallabaloo is about anyway.

But, I digress. It does get better. I thought my life was over and sunk into a depression I didn't know I could sink to, like to where I couldn't force a smile or take my mind off the fact "I have herpes now" It's been six months and I'm back to my old happy self,wiser and stronger though.

Keep hanging around, fellow Finding Nemo lover :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
clover

Hi JustKeepSwimming,

Welcome to the forum.

Hope this place can be helpful to you. It has helped me a lot with the emotional roller coaster stuff. At first I was much like you - up and down with crying, trying to be positive, and hating myself. Getting herpes at first is really hard because number 1 you have the painful outbreak AND number 2 you get hit with the evil social stigma. Having this virus is definitely a challenge but you can manage it. It does take awhile to adjust to but you'll eventually get there. Just try and get all the info that you can on it and try to talk to someone about it for support. If you feel embarrassed to open up about with people around you, you can talk to people in the live chat for support. We're here for ya.

Hope that was helpful to you. Try and hang in there! I know it's hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WarriorKing

In an instant you were able to see that your judgmental ideas were all wrong. You suddenly have this new perspective of both sides of the coin. So now that you know those ideas were all wrong you can drop them now altogether. Right now.

The only thing to retain about that is that you know that some other people are still judgmental, and wrong, and you probably don't want to tell them about this little bug, which is not you, but is going to hang around hidden most of the time. So you are going to be cautious with who you tell. You only have to tell people that you are going to be intimate with about this. So you will be more choosy about those people as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Butterfly of the Moment

Hey there, I feel you on that one as well. At first it was really hard and now 4 months later I still remember that I have herpes everyday, but I still go out with my friends and laugh and enjoy myself. I have a boyfriend that loves me for me and that's important...but sometimes I never know if our relationship will last. I'm fine for the most part but I wish that there was a cure. There are some things that trigger a downer moment though. For example, I woke up happy today and i went to the pet store to play with puppies. The guy who worked there got me the dog i wanted to play with and he kept coming back to talk to me...he was flirty and i could tell he thought i was attractive...but it made me want to cry. I sometimes feel like I'm "false advertisement." This is the entirely wrong way to think about things but nevertheless I'm not comfortable with being checked out anymore. It makes me feel bad b/c I feel like I'm living a lie...I'm hiding something. After that I went to see my boyfriend at work and then I felt instantly better. Having this stigmatized virus we have our ups and downs and we have to be rational as often as possible. I'm still trying to get the hang of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JustKeepSwimming

Thank you all for your replies.

I do feel better. I feel like I have a handle on the basics, and now I just need to learn everything I can so I can continue my life in a smart, happy, and healthy way. I know having this doesn't make me a bad person, and while in some people’s eyes it reflects poorly on my moral character, I know that's not true either. Perspective is everything. And I don't have to tell everyone. Or anyone really, unless I choose to be intimate with them or I want to tell someone.

As I said, before I really had no idea what herpes was, or what it involved, or the fact that it's so common. All I knew was that growing up all of the adults in my life told me it was a horrible thing. I saw the pictures in sex ed, and developed learned behaviors and attitudes toward herpes and those with herpes. It makes sense that when I found out I was scared more than anything else, and angry, and questioning myself - it was a learned response. And that's what's so horrible about preconceived notions without actual knowledge of a given thing. Social stigmas are hell. I know I might not have the easiest road to plow when it comes to relationships from here on out, but I'm strong and I'm resilient and I will be successful and happy and love and be loved.

Today I feel strong. Today I feel like me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JustKeepSwimming

P.S. Yes! I forgot to say - I do love Finding Nemo! And I WILL keep swimming and moving forward!! :cool:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
chooseyourbattles

I found out last summer when I went to a herpes specialist to help me get rid of my genital warts. I'd never been tested for HSV before, so I decided to give it a shot.

Huge mistake.

I was already pretty depressed, because my genital warts outbreak had lasted a month, and it was my first STD. Not to mention an incurable one. It was scorching hot outside and several doctors and nurses had been doing dreadfully painful things to me, trying to get rid of the warts, when all it turned out I needed was a topical cream.

But herpes, no, that was totally different. Even genital warts doesn't have that stigma of being marked, characterized, by herpes. I felt like it was my cardinal trait. I started screaming in the doctors office, and he told me I had to leave lest I discourage other people from getting tested. I told most of my friends because, as it was a cardinal trait of mine, they didn't know me without knowing that.

It's hard for me to decide if doctors are doing a good thing or a disservice by making asymptomatic people get tested. On the one hand, it helps raise awareness for people unfortunate enough to have outbreaks. On the other hand, people like you and me glean no benefits from the diagnosis.

I'm sorry to hear that you're positive. But I think you are handling it better than I did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
devastatedbythis

Hugh?

Since when does a health care professional leave a message like that on a voicemail. What is someone else had gotten it instead? I know that may not be important at this time but I would have a talk with someone at that office.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
E2F83

Life goes on

Hi there,

I understand what you're going through. The sense of guilt, shame and hopelessness. One can feel like life has lost its meaning. Personally I'm waiting to get tested again and recently I've been going through hell as well. No matter what the results are this experience has made me grow up fast. I know you feel better when you read these forums, an I do to, but when you step outside you need to remember that life isn't perfect, it's dotted with moments of pain and happiness and it's up to you to realize that you can be more happy than most people who do not have herpes. You haven't changed you're the same girl you were yesterday and don't let anything change that about you. You'll see that the emotional pain is much worse than the physical.

So the biggest change will be, you'll choose relationships more carefully now, you can't just date for fun because lets be honest any guy who just wants to date for fun will shy away and those that want a serious relationship should not be scared. I say this because unlike you I'm experiencing this twice without knowing whether I have it or not.

Feel better soon! Take a walk, enjoy some fresh air. Talk to a family member ^_^

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JustKeepSwimming
Since when does a health care professional leave a message like that on a voicemail. What is someone else had gotten it instead? I know that may not be important at this time but I would have a talk with someone at that office.

When I went in for testing my doctor asked me what number to call and how detailed a message he could leave. I told him it was my personal cell phone and no one has access to it so gave him permission to leave a to-the-point voicemail.

Which isn't to say it wasn't shocking and kinda sucked learning that way. But I did give permission to leave a voicemail like that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kittykat12

i haven't read all of the replies because i was so captivated by your post.

i was diagnosed yesterday-still have yet to find out what strain.

but i think your "rant" was so on cue. i've felt every single thing you mentioned and i must say this forum has been a blessing-or a gift from the universe for those who don't believe in God

we are our own worst critic. i'm no exception. i've been so hard on myself. i have a friend who has been living with hiv for 5 years. because i know he's lived with an std (a far worse one, i admit) i talked to him, hoping he could reassure me.

and he did.

i cried and said i wasn't strong enough to deal with this. i wanted to turn back time and not be so stupid. if felt dirty, outcast, disappointed, ashamed, angry, sad, etc, etc, etc.

and he told me i wasn't any of those things. he told me i can't turn back time. and he told me i was strong enough.

he was right. and you are too. i don't know you, but by your post i can tell you've got character. by your "rant" i can tell you have intelligence, because you consider all things. and by your self-diagnosis of "multiple-personalities", i can tell you have a sense of humor. so let your character keep you strong, let your intelligence keep you educated about herpes, and let your sense of humor keep you sane. and smiling.

whatever else you can't control, come to this sight. it helps.

all the best.

-kat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Advertisement

Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      68,386
    • Total Posts
      456,712
  • Posts

    • Trace67
      It doesnt really mean much yet. They still dont know if the herpes is taking advantage of a diseased brain or causing the disease. Furthermore, there is evidence that Alzheimer's might be caused by oral spirochete disease and even Lyme. Many of you could have oral Spirochetes but the Lyme and is less likely. https://globallymealliance.org/pathogen-cause-alzheimers-disease/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5008232/ https://newsblog.drexel.edu/2016/02/10/do-infections-cause-alzheimers-disease/   Of course it could be both! Maybe having hsv-1 and oral spirochetes quadruples the risk.  In my opinion the spirochete theory sounds more likely and its hard to dismiss neurosurgeons and caretakers getting Alzheimers from a disease that was previously thought to be non contagious. I'd worry more about Spirochetes.  
    • Rgs77
      Did ldn work.
    • honkschonks
      I wonder if people in the military are tested for hsv, because the general public isn’t. You have to specifically ask for it and many doctors don’t even see the point because it’s “so common”. It’s very possible he has it and has no symptoms or very mild random symptoms. Sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. It seems like women’s symptoms are worse than men’s.
    • WilsoInAus
      No that’s not the issue at all. The absolute vast majority of nerve pain is not caused by herpes. Hence it cannot be used to reverse engineer a diagnosis of herpes. That is exceptinally dangerous and we must do all we can encourage proper diagnosis.
    • ill47
      Do you have an APOE4 gene? I do. I also have HSV-2, which so far hasn't been linked to dementia. Itzhaki previously found that cold sores occur more frequently in those who carry a gene variant that confers increased risk of Alzheimer’s called APOE-ε4. "Our theory is that in APOE-ε4 carriers, reactivation is more frequent or more harmful in HSV1-infected brain cells, which as a result accumulate damage that culminates in development of Alzheimer's," she said.

      So basically, if you carry the APOE4 gene and have oral HSV-1, you chances of dementia could be quite high. But if you have APOE4, your chances of dementia were higher already. Look, 80% of the population has HSV-1. 80% of the population does not get dementia. You also seem to skip over the fact that antiviral treatment can reduce the increased chances of dementia to almost nothing. "The striking results include evidence that the risk of senile dementia is much greater in those who are infected with HSV, and that anti-herpes antiviral treatment causes a dramatic decrease in number of those subjects severely affected by HSV1 who later develop dementia," Itzhaki said. The data from Taiwan only applies to the rare severe HSV1 or VZV infections. The next step will be to study dementia rates amongst people with mild HSV1 infections, including herpes labialis or mild genital herpes. "Considering that over 150 publications strongly support an HSV1 role in Alzheimer's, these Taiwan findings greatly justify usage of antiherpes antivirals - which are safe and well-tolerated - to treat Alzheimer's disease,” Itzhaki said."They also incentivize development of an HSV1 vaccine, which would likely be the most effective treatment." I think it behooves you to do your research and actually read the articles you are posting before pulling the alarm and trying to scare people. 
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.