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JustKeepSwimming

Rollercoaster. Long, random, point-less rambling without much direction.

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JustKeepSwimming

My mood and emotions are fluctuating rapidly. Right now as I write this out in this moment, I'm calm, contemplative, and generally "OK." Twelve minutes ago I was a crying hysteric wreck.

Yesterday I received a voicemail saying "all of your test results came back normal except for Herpes II. Please make a follow up appointment to come in and discuss this with your doctor."

I called back entirely distraught. The earliest appointment I can get is over a week away. My situation wasn't an emergency, so the woman couldn't give me an emergency same-day appointment. That's ok. It's just an enormous personal emergency-crisis-extraordinaire! I'll sit here, painfully sit here I might add, and feel anxious, angry, depressed, disgusted, questioning my life, my behavior, my morals, my entire sense of self. You see up to this point my thoughts and opinions about herpes were dictated by the socially stigmatized stereotypical image of herpes and what someone with herpes is like. Now I'm the horribly judgmental idiot WITH herpes, newly diagnosed, scared ****less, only seeing a life sentence. A life without. I'm broken. Damaged. Never to love or be loved again. Sure, no problem, see you in over a week.

For the last 16 hours I've cried, slept, cried, researched, felt better, cried myself into a zombie-ish sleeplike state where I still couldn't escape reality, felt terribly alone, felt positively reassured, cried, rinse, repeat. The last hour and a half have been spent reading these forums. I cried along as I read and related to some posts, while other posts helped me dry my eyes and feel like maybe life after a herpes diagnosis is possible. And not just a life, but a happy life. A life that includes love and intimacy and not a constant and steady stream of judgment. Truthfully I'm my own worst enemy. The thought of telling anyone anytime soon is deeply upsetting, but I'm downright cruel to myself. Sometimes. Then other times I'll admit I'm strong and I'll get through this.

Let me go check my results page again, cause I swear I suddenly have multiple personalities now too! Is multiple personality and herpes co morbid?? I can't seem to make up my mind about how I feel!

Hi. I'm new here, and I'm newly diagnosed with Herpes Simplex II.

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Guest Seatortuga

Hi! You seem to be handling it quite well, and I was in your same position and had your exact reaction when I was first diagnosed a little over six months ago. Glad you found this forum and found out you're not grody at all. It's so common and insignifcant, I'm beginning to wonder what all the hallabaloo is about anyway.

But, I digress. It does get better. I thought my life was over and sunk into a depression I didn't know I could sink to, like to where I couldn't force a smile or take my mind off the fact "I have herpes now" It's been six months and I'm back to my old happy self,wiser and stronger though.

Keep hanging around, fellow Finding Nemo lover :D

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clover

Hi JustKeepSwimming,

Welcome to the forum.

Hope this place can be helpful to you. It has helped me a lot with the emotional roller coaster stuff. At first I was much like you - up and down with crying, trying to be positive, and hating myself. Getting herpes at first is really hard because number 1 you have the painful outbreak AND number 2 you get hit with the evil social stigma. Having this virus is definitely a challenge but you can manage it. It does take awhile to adjust to but you'll eventually get there. Just try and get all the info that you can on it and try to talk to someone about it for support. If you feel embarrassed to open up about with people around you, you can talk to people in the live chat for support. We're here for ya.

Hope that was helpful to you. Try and hang in there! I know it's hard.

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WarriorKing

In an instant you were able to see that your judgmental ideas were all wrong. You suddenly have this new perspective of both sides of the coin. So now that you know those ideas were all wrong you can drop them now altogether. Right now.

The only thing to retain about that is that you know that some other people are still judgmental, and wrong, and you probably don't want to tell them about this little bug, which is not you, but is going to hang around hidden most of the time. So you are going to be cautious with who you tell. You only have to tell people that you are going to be intimate with about this. So you will be more choosy about those people as well.

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Butterfly of the Moment

Hey there, I feel you on that one as well. At first it was really hard and now 4 months later I still remember that I have herpes everyday, but I still go out with my friends and laugh and enjoy myself. I have a boyfriend that loves me for me and that's important...but sometimes I never know if our relationship will last. I'm fine for the most part but I wish that there was a cure. There are some things that trigger a downer moment though. For example, I woke up happy today and i went to the pet store to play with puppies. The guy who worked there got me the dog i wanted to play with and he kept coming back to talk to me...he was flirty and i could tell he thought i was attractive...but it made me want to cry. I sometimes feel like I'm "false advertisement." This is the entirely wrong way to think about things but nevertheless I'm not comfortable with being checked out anymore. It makes me feel bad b/c I feel like I'm living a lie...I'm hiding something. After that I went to see my boyfriend at work and then I felt instantly better. Having this stigmatized virus we have our ups and downs and we have to be rational as often as possible. I'm still trying to get the hang of it.

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JustKeepSwimming

Thank you all for your replies.

I do feel better. I feel like I have a handle on the basics, and now I just need to learn everything I can so I can continue my life in a smart, happy, and healthy way. I know having this doesn't make me a bad person, and while in some people’s eyes it reflects poorly on my moral character, I know that's not true either. Perspective is everything. And I don't have to tell everyone. Or anyone really, unless I choose to be intimate with them or I want to tell someone.

As I said, before I really had no idea what herpes was, or what it involved, or the fact that it's so common. All I knew was that growing up all of the adults in my life told me it was a horrible thing. I saw the pictures in sex ed, and developed learned behaviors and attitudes toward herpes and those with herpes. It makes sense that when I found out I was scared more than anything else, and angry, and questioning myself - it was a learned response. And that's what's so horrible about preconceived notions without actual knowledge of a given thing. Social stigmas are hell. I know I might not have the easiest road to plow when it comes to relationships from here on out, but I'm strong and I'm resilient and I will be successful and happy and love and be loved.

Today I feel strong. Today I feel like me.

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JustKeepSwimming

P.S. Yes! I forgot to say - I do love Finding Nemo! And I WILL keep swimming and moving forward!! :cool:

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chooseyourbattles

I found out last summer when I went to a herpes specialist to help me get rid of my genital warts. I'd never been tested for HSV before, so I decided to give it a shot.

Huge mistake.

I was already pretty depressed, because my genital warts outbreak had lasted a month, and it was my first STD. Not to mention an incurable one. It was scorching hot outside and several doctors and nurses had been doing dreadfully painful things to me, trying to get rid of the warts, when all it turned out I needed was a topical cream.

But herpes, no, that was totally different. Even genital warts doesn't have that stigma of being marked, characterized, by herpes. I felt like it was my cardinal trait. I started screaming in the doctors office, and he told me I had to leave lest I discourage other people from getting tested. I told most of my friends because, as it was a cardinal trait of mine, they didn't know me without knowing that.

It's hard for me to decide if doctors are doing a good thing or a disservice by making asymptomatic people get tested. On the one hand, it helps raise awareness for people unfortunate enough to have outbreaks. On the other hand, people like you and me glean no benefits from the diagnosis.

I'm sorry to hear that you're positive. But I think you are handling it better than I did.

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devastatedbythis

Hugh?

Since when does a health care professional leave a message like that on a voicemail. What is someone else had gotten it instead? I know that may not be important at this time but I would have a talk with someone at that office.

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E2F83

Life goes on

Hi there,

I understand what you're going through. The sense of guilt, shame and hopelessness. One can feel like life has lost its meaning. Personally I'm waiting to get tested again and recently I've been going through hell as well. No matter what the results are this experience has made me grow up fast. I know you feel better when you read these forums, an I do to, but when you step outside you need to remember that life isn't perfect, it's dotted with moments of pain and happiness and it's up to you to realize that you can be more happy than most people who do not have herpes. You haven't changed you're the same girl you were yesterday and don't let anything change that about you. You'll see that the emotional pain is much worse than the physical.

So the biggest change will be, you'll choose relationships more carefully now, you can't just date for fun because lets be honest any guy who just wants to date for fun will shy away and those that want a serious relationship should not be scared. I say this because unlike you I'm experiencing this twice without knowing whether I have it or not.

Feel better soon! Take a walk, enjoy some fresh air. Talk to a family member ^_^

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JustKeepSwimming
Since when does a health care professional leave a message like that on a voicemail. What is someone else had gotten it instead? I know that may not be important at this time but I would have a talk with someone at that office.

When I went in for testing my doctor asked me what number to call and how detailed a message he could leave. I told him it was my personal cell phone and no one has access to it so gave him permission to leave a to-the-point voicemail.

Which isn't to say it wasn't shocking and kinda sucked learning that way. But I did give permission to leave a voicemail like that.

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kittykat12

i haven't read all of the replies because i was so captivated by your post.

i was diagnosed yesterday-still have yet to find out what strain.

but i think your "rant" was so on cue. i've felt every single thing you mentioned and i must say this forum has been a blessing-or a gift from the universe for those who don't believe in God

we are our own worst critic. i'm no exception. i've been so hard on myself. i have a friend who has been living with hiv for 5 years. because i know he's lived with an std (a far worse one, i admit) i talked to him, hoping he could reassure me.

and he did.

i cried and said i wasn't strong enough to deal with this. i wanted to turn back time and not be so stupid. if felt dirty, outcast, disappointed, ashamed, angry, sad, etc, etc, etc.

and he told me i wasn't any of those things. he told me i can't turn back time. and he told me i was strong enough.

he was right. and you are too. i don't know you, but by your post i can tell you've got character. by your "rant" i can tell you have intelligence, because you consider all things. and by your self-diagnosis of "multiple-personalities", i can tell you have a sense of humor. so let your character keep you strong, let your intelligence keep you educated about herpes, and let your sense of humor keep you sane. and smiling.

whatever else you can't control, come to this sight. it helps.

all the best.

-kat

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