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enlightenedmuse

Just need support and encouragement

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enlightenedmuse

I have been dating a guy for a couple of months now. I told him that I have herpes on our 3rd date as I would rather him know and decide before I got too attached.. I was expecting him to either be completely ok with it or just leave.. but his response was that He wanted to pursue a relationship but we cant have sex until he felt that I was *the one*..at this point I feel like I would have rather had him say an absolute yes or no.. and now every time we get physical I cant stop thinking about the herpes, I cant enjoy myself, and I just feel like crap and unlovable. I want to be able to be completely uninhibited and do what I feel.. but I cant. I want so badly to just say, *How many times have you kissed someone who has had a cold sore in their life?* I mean its the same thing.. This is really affecting the relationship and I am depressed and cry everyday because of it.. I try to talk to others but I get no relief..

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justmyself

Sounds like you are already too attached if you are feeling this deeply about things. My first advice is to not let him dictate how you feel about yourself. Easier said than done, I know. But you have to love yourself fully before anyone else can love you. Have you ever thought about therapy to figure out the underlying cause of these feelings? I know that having H can be a real downer, but there is more than likely more to it than that. I am guessing these feelings were there well before H and are only worsened by the diagnosis. If you can be more positive, people view you in a positive light. You have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else.

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WarriorKing

Remember that you also get to decide if he is the one. You also need to be able to talk frankly with him about what you want to do, but definitely not in an snide manner. This is in a way one of the first tests of your relationship.

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clover

Sorry the H stuff is effecting you in this way!

Have you tried talking to him about your feelings about it? Can you tell him that it's hard for you to not have a clear yes or no? I think the cold sore question is actually a good one to bring up. You need to be able to talk with him about this and where your relationship is going.

I also think that counseling might be helpful to you if you feel that you can't talk with anyone who understands.

And most of all try and remember that you are still lovable!! I know that's hard to remember sometimes but it's true. You still deserve love and a good relationship. If you feel like you can't have that with this guy or that you aren't ready to be in a relationship then maybe it would be best to put everything on hold.

What ever you choose to do....Best of luck to you!!

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Butterfly of the Moment

I think it's fair for him to want to wait to have sex until he's sure that you could possibly be someone he could love, definately good that he still wants to see you. You should be able to tell him how you feel as well. Like Mr Honest says, figure out if he is "worth waiting for" I definately think he should get tested because he could have the virus and not know...or have another std you don't already have.

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enlightenedmuse

Wow, Thank you everybody.. I wasnt expecting so many responses.

I think there is a reason why I feel that I need sex in order to be happy.. though I dont quite know what it is. Ive always been comfortable with my sexuality, and I think I may have identified a part of myself with my sexuality.. so perhaps I feel like Ive lost a part of myself.

When I read what I wrote, I realized that I sound like a kid having a tantrum cause they cant have what they want. And Im ashamed.. I mean Ive had really horrible family issues tat Ive been able to transcend..but this.. I guess its my next hurdle. When I was 16 my dad got angry at my mom for wanting child support, so he decided to bring everything that he had of mine (pictures of me and him, and gifts i had given him)..he ripped them up and left them on my car... He didnt talk to me after that. I got severely depressed, but a month or two ago I realized that it was his pain, and he didnt know how to deal with it. I met with him, and I called him on it...he apoligized. I can handle that, but herpes is another story.

How have you dealt with the sex issue? what kind of reactions have you gotten?

I want to just say that no sex is unreasonable.. but that just sounds bad. I have talked to him about it a few times..and in pretty good detail.. nothing changes, I just end up feeling like I am wrong and that I need to grow up and get over it. I just dont know how.

I am happy that I can please him in other ways, but I cant get off with any *sex alternatives*.. and that is rather frustrating.

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WarriorKing

This particular situation is like one of those delayed satisfaction scenarios. You save for a car or a house and don't spend your extra cash going out and live with the ugly car until you can have the one you really want. You have to decide if there are so many other things right with this relationship, and could it turn into true love and marriage. He is probably scared and not just about the H. If H were not involved there would be much fright on his side on opening up his heart and giving you his life. He keeps coming back so he thinks you might be the one, but he is walking cautiously. Don't let the sex drive upset the apple cart. Of course before you decide if he is the one you will want to make sure you are sexually compatible. I wouldn't rush it. I would demand a lot of hugs and cuddling though.

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Now18
Wow, Thank you everybody.. I wasnt expecting so many responses.

I think there is a reason why I feel that I need sex in order to be happy.. though I dont quite know what it is. Ive always been comfortable with my sexuality, and I think I may have identified a part of myself with my sexuality.. so perhaps I feel like Ive lost a part of myself.

When I read what I wrote, I realized that I sound like a kid having a tantrum cause they cant have what they want. And Im ashamed..

You are ashamed for wanting to have sex with your boyfriend? I think if sex is something you want in a relationship then you should absolutely go for it! Don't lower your standards.

It sounds like you're making excuses for him. Instead of acknowledging that he is not giving you something that you need, you are finding away to blame it on yourself. That's called denial. I do not mean to sound harsh. I have done the same thing with other deal-breaker flaws that past boyfriends have had. I was scared of being abandoned (I also came from an unstable home) but too wise to stay with someone whom I knew was wrong for me. So I twisted reality so that everything was my problem. Because if it was my problem, it was in my control. I could fix it. You are telling yourself that your problem is that you have a need for sex. Listen to yourself. It's not a problem, it's a basic need for most adults.

I promise you, there are HSV negative guys out there who will have sex with you. I understand that sex isn't everything, and that you are willing to put it off for the right guy. But for how long? And is he the right guy if he doesn't think you're worth a small risk of contracting a relatively harmless virus after a few months of getting to know you?

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enlightenedmuse

Wow, Ive never thought of it in that way.. that makes me feel better, kind of..

It has only been a couple of months now that we have been dating, so I think I can still hold out a little longer and see what happens. He is at least making a bit of an effort.. He got a new toy for us to use, and its pretty good (but its still not the same).. I mean, I think I need to really feel the other person and make love in order to have the level of intimacy I need.

Ive spoken to a few friends about it in the past couple weeks and some of them are saying that it sounds like Im being strung along. I dont necessarily believe that at this point, but I could see it for sure if we continue on like this for an extended amount of time.. I told him the other day that I will not allow myself to be strung along. he didnt reply.. but I dont know that I would know how to reply to that if I was in his situation either..

To add more drama into the mix.. When I first contracted herpes I was seeing a guy (on and off... and its now been 7 years of seeing eachother on and off) When it first happened I had no idea what was going on, I told him I was sore down there (it didnt feel like stinging pain or anything, just kinda achy and raw) and so we had sex.. A few weeks later he told me what happened. I felt really really guilty, and Im still upset about it, but I honestly had no idea what was going on.. He isnt angry at me or anything, which Im glad about I suppose.. but this whole on and off thing makes me wonder if I go back because of my guilt, or because I actually love him or what.. I really dont understand..

We spent my teenage years together experimenting with various substances (all natural of course..lol), making music, and watching movies and other entertaining media.. I would get frustrated with him for not working (he was unemployed for over a year) and not having a drivers lisence, and not trying to go somewhere with his life. When I left the last time I ended up seeing someone for about a year and a half, we got engaged but I eventually ended it due to personality and family conflict. So now the 7 year guy is done school, working on the drivers lisence and getting a job in his new field. I am genuinely happy for him. But Im always tempted to go back, and every time I leave him I hurt him badly.. but he always takes me back.. I really dont understand it.. He really is always there for me. i dont even know if Im really attracted to him physically.. I mean hes a pretty lanky guy, and he doesnt have much fashion sense, suffers from psoriasis, and he doesnt take care of his health at all.. He is content to live in filth, and a smoker, and we smoke too much weed when we are together... but we make amazing music together, and we finish eachothers sandwiches..

I dont understand my female brain....

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      I've had neg swabs but I am sure you'll get it. Follow the process. I haven't read the thread in exact detail, but if you have documentation of doctors mishandling your case when you get/ if you get a poss inform them in writing as well as the medical board I think.  Under diagnosis is as problematic as false pos and reducing transmission is good.
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      Not really wanting to call Terry.  I'll be checking the term anecdotal as I agree it may not be the best term. Maryland University seems to disagree and there was a researcher looking into random transmissions off poss objects in the eighties.

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