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confidante

Do you forgive?

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confidante

Today I received my husband's results of a positive genital herpes test. He suspected that he had it for the past 13 years and never told me. We've been married for 8 years and have two children. The only reason that he told me now is because I confessed to something I had done and he felt like it made sense to confess this! I'm furious! Mainly because of the risk that he put both me and my children in when I could have protected myself and them had I known!! Has anyone ever dealt with this and am I unjustified that I want him out?! I need perspective!!

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E2F83

It's OK

Seriously, you guys are married and have kids; herpes should be the last thing on your mind. Unless your marriage was already unhappy and you feel that this limits your future options in case you guys separate. There's really no need for concern.

As for perspective, please take a step back and see how ridiculous it is if you separate from your husband over this. This is a very small inconvenience in a relationship. If this is enough to break up a marriage then there is definitely something else rooted in this matter.

Remember the vows "Through sickness and in health". This is hardly a sickness.

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Butterfly of the Moment

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband kept this from you for so long. Perhaps he thought his suspicions would prevent you from wanting to be with him. He definately should have told you, but now all you can do is go from here and move forward. If you still love him and you were happy before all of this, then I say work through the knots. Find out why he kept this from you. Sounds like he was ignorant in how herpes can affect people having children (it's rare to pass on herpes to babies during childbirth, but still) or how with a little precaution he could have prevented passing it on to you even if he did tell you. Is he truly sorry? He lied to you by omission and that's wrong, but I don't think it's unforgivable. Have you been tested yourself?

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JoeTheLionWentToTheBar

Its like so many things people keep from their lovers during the falling in love and making a commitment stage. Do you tell them things that might cause you to reject them, or do you keep it from them and hope for the best.

I feel he should have told you at some point but then again, I have rejected people I was dating for telling me unfortunate things about STDs, their criminal past, etc.

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Still Happy

I can’t say I have the exact story but it seems I unknowingly had HS2 before I got married and never had symptoms that noticeable until one year about seven years into the relationship when I started noticing outbreaks.

A Dr. confirmed the condition with a blood test and the news hit my world like an atom bomb. A million thoughts and worries went through my head but I had to tell my wife right away. She had HS1 and at first I thought it was the same but we found out later the HS strands are different and then things became even more complicated. Of course she wondered if I cheat on her, I never did I was madly, madly in love with her, forever faithful, it broke my heart that she could think that about me. It killed me to think that this skin condition changed things between us, it wasn’t the complete cause for our once fairy tale like marriage to fall apart but I know it contributed to it. I have cried about it more times than I care to remember and I did nothing unethical to cause it.

I said this once in an earlier post. 1 out of 4 people have HS, what are your odds of finding someone who has treated you as good as he has for all this time, built a life with you, raised a family with you, loved you…1 in a 1000, 1 in a 1,000,000.

Trust me going through a divorce with someone you love with all your heart will all but kill you, the skin condition will not. And in my case my wife never caught it, not even after all that exposure and of course it wasn’t all safe sex, we didn’t think we had anything to fear.

Fear not for your kids, there is really no way he can give it to them by accident.

Take your time on this; think deeply and clearly about all you have been through with this man. You truly are risking far more than exposure to a very controllable condition. Have him get on anti-virals if there is an issue and outbreaks will rarely even show up.

Listen to your heart, not the stigma.

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clover

"Listen to your heart, not the stigma"

<3 I love this.

The stigma has a powerful influence but hopefully the influence of the heart will be much stronger.

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SiameseDream
I can’t say I have the exact story but it seems I unknowingly had HS2 before I got married and never had symptoms that noticeable until one year about seven years into the relationship when I started noticing outbreaks.

A Dr. confirmed the condition with a blood test and the news hit my world like an atom bomb. A million thoughts and worries went through my head but I had to tell my wife right away. She had HS1 and at first I thought it was the same but we found out later the HS strands are different and then things became even more complicated. Of course she wondered if I cheat on her, I never did I was madly, madly in love with her, forever faithful, it broke my heart that she could think that about me. It killed me to think that this skin condition changed things between us, it wasn’t the complete cause for our once fairy tale like marriage to fall apart but I know it contributed to it. I have cried about it more times than I care to remember and I did nothing unethical to cause it.

I said this once in an earlier post. 1 out of 4 people have HS, what are your odds of finding someone who has treated you as good as he has for all this time, built a life with you, raised a family with you, loved you…1 in a 1000, 1 in a 1,000,000.

Trust me going through a divorce with someone you love with all your heart will all but kill you, the skin condition will not. And in my case my wife never caught it, not even after all that exposure and of course it wasn’t all safe sex, we didn’t think we had anything to fear.

Fear not for your kids, there is really no way he can give it to them by accident.

Take your time on this; think deeply and clearly about all you have been through with this man. You truly are risking far more than exposure to a very controllable condition. Have him get on anti-virals if there is an issue and outbreaks will rarely even show up.

Listen to your heart, not the stigma.

Very well put. I couldn't have said it better myself.

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    • Trace67
      It doesnt really mean much yet. They still dont know if the herpes is taking advantage of a diseased brain or causing the disease. Furthermore, there is evidence that Alzheimer's might be caused by oral spirochete disease and even Lyme. Many of you could have oral Spirochetes but the Lyme and is less likely. https://globallymealliance.org/pathogen-cause-alzheimers-disease/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5008232/ https://newsblog.drexel.edu/2016/02/10/do-infections-cause-alzheimers-disease/   Of course it could be both! Maybe having hsv-1 and oral spirochetes quadruples the risk.  In my opinion the spirochete theory sounds more likely and its hard to dismiss neurosurgeons and caretakers getting Alzheimers from a disease that was previously thought to be non contagious. I'd worry more about Spirochetes.  
    • Rgs77
      Did ldn work.
    • honkschonks
      I wonder if people in the military are tested for hsv, because the general public isn’t. You have to specifically ask for it and many doctors don’t even see the point because it’s “so common”. It’s very possible he has it and has no symptoms or very mild random symptoms. Sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. It seems like women’s symptoms are worse than men’s.
    • WilsoInAus
      No that’s not the issue at all. The absolute vast majority of nerve pain is not caused by herpes. Hence it cannot be used to reverse engineer a diagnosis of herpes. That is exceptinally dangerous and we must do all we can encourage proper diagnosis.
    • ill47
      Do you have an APOE4 gene? I do. I also have HSV-2, which so far hasn't been linked to dementia. Itzhaki previously found that cold sores occur more frequently in those who carry a gene variant that confers increased risk of Alzheimer’s called APOE-ε4. "Our theory is that in APOE-ε4 carriers, reactivation is more frequent or more harmful in HSV1-infected brain cells, which as a result accumulate damage that culminates in development of Alzheimer's," she said.

      So basically, if you carry the APOE4 gene and have oral HSV-1, you chances of dementia could be quite high. But if you have APOE4, your chances of dementia were higher already. Look, 80% of the population has HSV-1. 80% of the population does not get dementia. You also seem to skip over the fact that antiviral treatment can reduce the increased chances of dementia to almost nothing. "The striking results include evidence that the risk of senile dementia is much greater in those who are infected with HSV, and that anti-herpes antiviral treatment causes a dramatic decrease in number of those subjects severely affected by HSV1 who later develop dementia," Itzhaki said. The data from Taiwan only applies to the rare severe HSV1 or VZV infections. The next step will be to study dementia rates amongst people with mild HSV1 infections, including herpes labialis or mild genital herpes. "Considering that over 150 publications strongly support an HSV1 role in Alzheimer's, these Taiwan findings greatly justify usage of antiherpes antivirals - which are safe and well-tolerated - to treat Alzheimer's disease,” Itzhaki said."They also incentivize development of an HSV1 vaccine, which would likely be the most effective treatment." I think it behooves you to do your research and actually read the articles you are posting before pulling the alarm and trying to scare people. 
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