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sillygrl88

I cant take this anymore!!!!

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sillygrl88

Everyday I swear that Im gonna wake up and this will be a dream, or the doctor will call me in a crazy panic saying that the test results were wrong. It's never gonna happen... and I dont know how to deal with it!!! I haven't been face to face with my bf of 5 yrs since I got the results, and he knows, but he never said anything about it. I love him so much and I'm scared. IM TERRIFIED!!! I would never live down the guilt if i ever passed it to him.

I cheated on him. Point blank. But before I slept with him again I went to the doctors and got everything checked out. I got burnt, so i took some pills for that, and then my Dr notices some lesions that she wanted to have tested for H. They came back negative so I just went on with my life...

That was around May. Then one night in August after I came home from a party I noticed that I had this weird ache right in the crease of my leg, where your leg and vag meet. I brushed it off as my underwear irritating the skin from so much dancing. But it never went away, it looked like a blister -- and thats when I knew. I spazzed. I cried, I frantically google pics of H to compare what I had to what I saw, I pleaded to God every waking moment of that week to let it be something else, something that kinda looked like it but wasnt. Even I didnt believe it but i prayed anyway. I even had my mom look at it, (not as awkward as it sounds, she's nurse) and she told me it couldn't be H, she saw many cases and they look WAY worse than that. I knew it was my mother talking and not Nurse M.

So I finally made my way to to Dr and she checked me out. SHe felt my lymph nodes, I think, which she said weren't swollen and was a good thing, then she touched the affected area, It was sore, but she said the fact that I wasnt jumping out of my seat was a good thing. She took a swab and I left. I had to wait for what was the longest week of my life. I went back, and.... you know. I didnt cry, I didnt make a scene, I kinda prepared myself for it anyway. I just listened, took the information she gave me and walked home.

Now I'm crying for the first time since it's been confirmed. I have no clue where the H came from and thats what bothers me the most. No its not, I lied. H IS WHAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST!! Its never gonna go away, Its so ugly and I'm dirty all because of one stupid night I fucking regret!!! and now I'll have to regret it for the rest of my life!!! Every tingle or itch I feel down there makes me go crazy!!! The only people who know is my bf and my mother, not even my best friend knows and she's the one I want to talk to the most. When I'm alone I try to say aloud "I have H', just so the sting of it will go away. I FUCKING HATE THIS.... THIS SHIT DOESNT HAPPEN TO ME!!!! I'm only 21!!!! I want to be as irresponsible as everyone else my age!!! why the fuck did i have to be so stupid... I feel like I'll never be able to enjoy life for what its worth ever again.

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Butterfly of the Moment

Hey there I'm 23 and I had some "fun" in a foreign country while on a break with my boyfriend and now I have this piece of shit virus. Hang in there. I know the way you feel about the virus won't get better right away but the way you deal with it can happen when you decide. I should be glad I didn't get this in college in my crazy phase but I had to get it when I just got out of a 2 year relationship for a few months and sleep with a guy I didn't even want to sleep with (the pressure was on and I had a moment of weakness). I'm back with my exboyfriend...I had to come clean (honestly i wouldn't have told him about the fling if i didn't have herpes)...he was angry as hell about the other guy but he said he didn't care about the herpes thing b/c it won't kill him. We worked it out, but we have our problems and I can't say we're forever. I feel this is like a rain cloud following me around. I can have a sunny happy day but the rain cloud is not far in the distance. Shit happens, we all make mistakes, I regret them and I forgive myself. I only told my boyfriend about this. I have no need to tell anyone else unless i thought they could help me work through this but what I really want to do is tell the guy who gave this to me what he did but I'm a little scared of doing it. I've had GH for 4 months and I'm dealing with it much better, but I have my moments every now and again. I'm still sexy, I'm still loved by my friends and family, I've seen some of the world, had a lot of fun being young (and innocent to all this b.s.), and I'm a good person. I have herpes, but that's one dimension only a shit head would focus on for long and make me feel ashamed about.

I know you're only 21 and stuff like this shouldn't happen to anyone. There are virgins on here who have genital herpes...yeah, they had a sexual encounter, but seriously?!.......The stigma is the worst part of this virus. Check out herpesisnormal.com For some reason reading about how common provides some relief.

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WarriorKing

I was 20 when I got H. Younger than you. I didn't cheat on anybody. Just slept with a girl. That was 31 years ago. I did not "regret it for the rest of my life". It is just a small medical issue that comes up from time to time. Nothing dirty about you.

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sillygrl88

Thanx

I really feel like the other night was just a weak moment for me... one of my friends (who has no clue about my situation) told me a little quote that i absolutely love!!

"Life isn't about avoiding the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

I think this is really applicable to my life right now.

Side Note: You guys should get paid for this because after reading a number of posts, you guys are really good "SUPPORT members"!!!

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rockgirl

"Life isn't about avoiding the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I really like this quote :) It just put a couple things in perpective for me.

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devastatedbythis

That is a heavy load to carry because you got burned and have this virus but if your boyfriend is still ok with it then keep moving. Trust me I am still waiting for my results and when I first heard that my ex had it I almost passed out, I cried, didnt want to be alone, have obsessed over it telling myself you dont have that but it has gotten a little easier. My biggest fear is telling another guy that I have this virus and the reaction because to be honest I dont know if I could have been with a guy if he had told me he had it. Now I look at it so differently. Thank God you have a mother to talk to if I ever told anyone in my family then it would be at the south and north poles within 1 hour.

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