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IBelongtoMe

I told my partner - i want to die!

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IBelongtoMe

So I did it!!!! I TOLD HIM!!!!

He was shocked - understandable - afraid he had it (cuz I'm pretty sure I got it from him) - so I told him he should get tested. He didn't freak out like I thought he would though...I thought he would call me a whore and tell me to get the F out of his house!!!!

(THANK GOODNESS we were at his place because it would have been REALLY awkward if I would have told him at my place and then would have had to drive him back home)

I told him it was managable, the percentage of him getting it (if he doesn't already have it) is SUPER low...And I said that I don't know when or where or from whom I got it (even though I'm sure I got it from him)

I asked him he hated me - he said no (that's good right?). But it was awkward....

We had just watched "THE HANGOVER" and he asked if I still had my period. I said that it ended yesterday (after 2.5 weeks!)

He looked at me and asked if I "wanted to" and obviously I wanted/want to because with him it's AMAZING! Because he's AMAZING! Then he looked at me what was wrong...I said, that I did want to but I had to tell him something first. He said, okay.

I asked him if he'd ever gotten cold sores and he said no. Then I told him that since i was raped I get tested every once in a while. I told him I had a blister that got infected and had it checked out and the results came back positive for herpes.

Like I said, he didn't FREAK out but he was shocked. Afraid and all.

I asked if he hated me - he said no, (that's good right?)

He asked, how I will ever get married with his - I was like, it's manageable. I said I was shocked and it sucks but its the truth.

Then...the awkward silences..I didn't know what to say or do. So I just sat there and watched him process.

Then I said, "I should go." He said, "Wait, let me play one more game (XBOX) and then I'll walk you out." (So that's good right, that he didn't just kick me out right then and there?)

So I sat there, I could tell he was.....processing. Which I STILL am.

When I left, I didn't get the usual "Hit me up later." or the "I'll hit you up." - which I guess is understandable, right? But,

I get the feeling that he's NEVER GONNA BE WITH ME AGAIN!

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

The thought of him NOT being with and some other girl is KKKKILLLLING ME (Wow! Does that make sound obssessed?-I'm not).

He's the FIRST and ONLY guy in over 3 years that I've been with. That' I've given a chance to be with me/get to know me. That I've fallen for. And this has F*ed it up!! GGGGRRRR!!!!

My friend says that maybe he'll come around. GOD I HOPE SO!!!

When I got home I wrote in my journal:

I WANNA DIE!!! HE'S NEVER GONNA WANNA BE WITH ME AGAIN!!! NO ONE EVER WILL!!!!

It's true - I wanna die if he 'leaves me.' I DONT WANT ANYBODY ELSE!!!. I don't! I want HIM!

Like my friends say, and I know - give him his space for a while - hopefully I'll see him when he works this weekend (if he does) and I'll see him and I'll be able to talk to him or things won't be awkward. I hope to ask him if we can talk more. But we'll see how that goes.

I mean, I didn't even CONFESS that I liked him AGAIN last night (Well, this morning.) He HAS TO KNOW because after a really bad weekend where I saw him with another chick and he went home with her, and then I saw him with her for like 3 weekends in a row, I wrote him a message (because I've NEVER been good expressing myself verbally but have always been better on paper) and told him how much I liked him. That I was really into him and would be with him if he wanted to be with me. Well, after I wrote that, I NEVER saw him with her again!

And I was talking to his best friend, who told me they stopped talking and that he's sure I'm the ONLY girl he's talking to -well - probably NOT anymore!!!

I WANT TO DIE!!!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!! I WANT TO DIEE!!!

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chooseyourbattles

I don't think it's healthy to assume that your boyfriend would not and should not want to be with you after finding out you have herpes. People, in general, are creatures of routine, and creatures who like to gain an investment in what we have. But you don't find it feasible at all that your boyfriend, after putting the time and energy into the relationship with you, might find it acceptable to work with you and your virus.

You must have hated yourself before your diagnosis.

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IBelongtoMe

I agree with you. We aren't "official" boyfriend and girlfriend - I don't know what we are. I like to think we're more than friends and f-buddies. I mean, we hang out multiple times a week and all. I don't know - I've never said anything to his about how i feel about him - Like I said, i wrote him a message. He never said anything about it but I never saw him with that other girl after I sent it so...I don't know.

I hope he finds it acceptable...the drift I got last night, well this morning at about 430 AM when I told him made me think he wasn't going to accept it. But we'll see. Keeping my fingers crossed!

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lizabeth

persoanally I totally know where the nervousness comes from!

I have had the talk 2 significate times.

its interesting the reactions that I got.. My first guy I told... I was already sleeping with so I had to tell b/c he'd already been exposed.. and well... he ignored me for the weekend.. (but I wasn't doing any calling either) and after that he just asked do you still want to date me... and after saying yes... we went on like nothing was ever said..

No.. he never got tested and i didn't push the subject.. he still wanted not to use any protection.. and I didn't make him either... we still totally had a blast for about 2 months..

the second time i had to tell.. he was different.. the first cconverstaion he wanted a little more information from me.. about the virus itself.. and wanted to know what we could still do sexually...

I had to talk with him again bc knowing he's h-free i wanted to take all precatuions to prtect him...

he and i are doing very well.. and when i have something going on.. I am still shy and nervous, but it's gettingeasier to talk about.

Both times seeing the guy for the first time was really hard.. for me.. they didn't seem to care..

I just tried to act like I hadn't said anything devasting and you know .. guys mentally process things differently...

I have faith that it'll work out ok. ... Please let me how it turns out.

liz

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Shayna

I can't figure out why you are taking this hsv burden entirely on yourself when you think HE gave it to you? Also, why would you "want to die" when you've never sat down and had a real big-girl talk with this guy about your feelings, and where you stand as a couple?

This could be a great turning point for you in life, where you decide to verbalize your feelings to others, and ask for your needs to be met. Relationships are give and take .. nobody is a mind reader. You might be really surprised how good it feels to really know what a person is thinking and feeling about you, without spending/wasting time trying to guess.

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IBelongtoMe

Okay, I don't want to die - I just was feeling like shit. I know I need to talk to him about my feelings. I just am chicken - I've never been good saying my feelings to anyone - even my parents! So I'm hoping I'll see him in a few days and I'll talk to him then - and I WILL tell him I like him. I have to tell him. It's time - I agree! I"m just CHICKEN POO!!

I hope in a few days his shock will blow over some and we'll be able to talk more. Cuz I know I need to speak up because my chance to be with him might pass, it might've already but I'll never know unless I say. His best friend says to just say whatever I'm feeling. So, if he says so I believe him.

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jimx1000

Wait, do you have 1 or 2?

If you have one then who gives a shit??? Dont even tell him haha Almost everyone has 1 except me, I got 2 which sucks!!!

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stupidgirl23

You have more guts than i do

i am trying to get too the point of telling my husband...i am just so scared because i didnt get them from him...i mean he know i cheated on him but he dont know that i have herpes....i need someone help...all i want to do is cry...i hate my self i want to kill myself there is not a day that goes by that i dont want to kill myself...i have started to cut myself in hopes that it will help but it hasnt...i just dont know how to tell the man that i love that i have hurt so much that i have herpes.

please help me

Deborah

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b1witurself

cutting yourself will not solve anything

Please stop cutting yourself!....it is hard but what about the people who love u and who need u n this world...do u have kids? If so think about them...think about your family...your husband...he may be more understanding then u think, and if not u have to give him some time....it will hurt, but the truth is always best....if u dont tell the truth it may end up hurting worse or hurt other people...and ending your life wont help either...please get some help and talk to your husband!!!

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gotitsowhat

You'll feel better when you tell him

even if his reaction is not good. But anything would be better than the level of anxiety you are putting yourself through now. From the point of view of some people, YOU are the one who should be upset with him, not the other way around, if you got it from him; of course, I do not think there is any real reason here for anyone to be upset with anyone because whoever passed this on did not know about it so no one is to blame. But if HE gave it to YOU, then all you are doing is giving him some necessary medical information. There is nothing for you or he to feel bad about other than that at least one of you, probably both, has a minor, though stigmatized, skin virus. So just tell him. Get it out of the way. And don't be apologetic, just tell him as if you were a concerned nurse giving him some information regarding his health.

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poohbear

I've been exactly where you are right now. How can the person who gives this to you throw you away like a piece of trash and it really hurts. Hold your head up high and hang in there, things can still work out for you. Don't give up yet and give him some time. If you push it could end up badly. I will cross my fingers for you. Take care, poohbear:p

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IBelongtoMe

I understand

DON"T CUT YOURSELF! I used to - It doesn't do anything good!. It hurts you and hurts the people around you. Telling is SUPER SCARY!! TTTRUST ME! I did it 2 days ago...But as scared as I was, he thanked me for telling him...Even though I'm sure he gave it to me he STILL needed to know. I KNOW it's scary - it is - his reaction may be good, it may be bad....but He should know.

I told 2 days ago and haven't talked to him since because I'm giving him his space.

DONT CUT YOURSELF!!! ITS NNNOOOT WORTH IT!!! WE are here for you!

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devastatedbythis

wow

I have no idea what to say except please stop the cutting. You are adding hurt on top of hurt. I dont think you have a choice but to tell him. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better I dont want to make light of this so I will shut up.

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