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underINFORMED2009

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underINFORMED2009

I've always been depressive by nature because of the situations I was put in as a child. Today was an especially depressive day for me and I thought that it was time to finally post; after joining this site a week ago. Sorry if it's a bit too wordy.

I am exhausted from lack of sleep, working full time, and going to school at night. Today I didn't hang out with any friends so it was just my depressive self, in my big empty apartment, with only sinister thoughts as company. I think back to three months ago, when I made what I felt to be the worst mistake of my life. I broke up with a girl I was falling in love with for fear of being hurt. It didn't make sense to me that she would actually have feelings for me, and mine were growing too fast. I figured that it was best to get out before I deeply hurt myself. It was only after the breakup that I realized my undeniable feelings for her, and that I was hurting more without her than living with the fear of being hurt. So I began to chase after her again. I see her all the time because we have class together and we are now friends - though I still love her deeply. I had unprotected sex with her 3 times before the breakup and 3 times after - she tried to give me a chance when I tried to gain her back... but she couldn't feel the same again... and so we haven't had sex for nearly 2 months.

It was because of her that I realized I was done with short-term relationships. Not that I've slept with nearly as many girls as, for example, my brother and many other friends, but I just felt I had enough and that she was "the one." As a token of my commitment to winning her back, I felt that I needed to get tested to be 100% sure that I was clean. It was the least I could offer to ANYONE I could commit myself to for life.

I will be 27 years old in 4 days and I used to think that breaking up with this girl was the biggest mistake of my life... I used to think that my life was a crazy roller-coaster of feelings because I always got attached to my partners, and they always ended up hurting me...

It was exactly 21 days ago when my doctor stepped into the room and told me that I tested positive for HSV 1 and 2. Now I know that the biggest mistake of my life was even before this last relationship... Now I know that my life will be an uncontrollable roller-coaster of emotions.

I am positive that she didn't give it to me. It was a couple months before I met her that I found what appeared to be a simple irritation on my genitals. It's especially humid here in Miami, and I am prone to acne, so I thought it was just a sweat pimple - it went away after a few days. It wasn't until my recent diagnosis that I could have ever imagined being diseased.

So how can I forgive that my ignorance may have passed a disease to the girl I want to have a family with? It doesn't make sense that I ever do.

My mood has been swinging unexpectedly each day since my diagnosis. The symptoms were completely negligible until just after my diagnosis. Since that day, my crotch has been regularly tingling and slightly itchy, sometimes burning, and my lip just had the first cold sore of my life - and lasted only 2 days. I now feel that every single itch on my body is related to HSV, that for all I know it is all over my body already. I feel disgusting now that I describe it to anyone for the first time.

The only thing that makes me forget the extreme depression is the company of my friends. Tonight I am alone, and it is one of my lowest points since that fateful Tuesday, September 1st 2009. Tonight, I poured my heart out, I'm not poet but I wanted to get all of this off my chest and so I wrote the following "poem from hell," as I cried until my eyes burnt:

Walking Disease

I wanna hurt myself but it's pointless

just an attempt to get some attention.

Like a bad trip, I want my life to end already

Don't feel like I'm bringing much to the world but my needs.

All alone it feels like the end would be great

Unable to hurt those I love...

Intentions mean nothing if you can't carry them out

it means your heart was not all there.

Made the worst mistake in my life

Didn't deserve my dream after all

Just an opportunist living without a purpose.

It's tough to find the reasons to keep on

Suicide isn't the answer

a life through hell is a worse punishment.

Just looking for a reason to kill me

It's so easy when there are so many.

It will be long before this roller coaster rises again.

Surely I will find a purpose in my life

but the horizon now is lined with punishment.

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sun seeker

Hi there,

Herpes really isnt that bad... its not life threatening, it doesnt shorten your life, its a skin virus its very easy to catch..

Why do you want to punish yourself this way? you didnt do anything wrong, you was in the wrong place at the wrong time, its just unlucky isnt it?

Education is often a good first step in understanding this virus and begining to manage it.

There are a lot of good links to left of this page that may help.

Im glad you have found this site because everyone here has some understanding of what your going through just now... and that in time you will feel better.

Theres some good support here...

Good luck...

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underINFORMED2009

Hi Sun, thank you for your response.

I have spent many nights staying up until all hours of the night... searching for answers, treatments, statistics, news articles, a cure, anything... and it's all taken a toll on me.

I finally called in sick at work because I was still up until 5 in the morning 'last night' tossing and turning... falling asleep only to be woken by terrible nightmares. Luckily my boss understands that I am going through a lot because of working full time and going to school at night... but he doesn't know about this yet. Not sure if I should tell him, he's very much of a mentor for me.

In any case... what I have tried so far is to introduce L-Lysine and B-Complex supplements into my diet. It's been a week and so far no effect. I feel that my symptoms are strange because they come and go throughout the day... I cannot recall them being gone for a whole day since my diagnosis... and my they consist of a heightened sensitivity in my lips that make me feel like something nasty is about to pop out, a slight itch in a couple spots of my crotch area, and a burning sensation at the tip of my sex.

I'm sorry that I'm not very well composed... at this point I have so many concerns that I keep changing subject from paragraph to paragraph.

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WarriorKing

I have messaged you. Please take a look. I hope you can see my side of life. Life can still be very good.

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