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PetiteGeekGirl

The guy that's checking you out...

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PetiteGeekGirl

It's a strange feeling, being checked out anymore. You know, when you catch someone looking at you, and you know you have herpes now, and you know they have no effing clue what you harbor.

I mean, I'm not the tall, blonde, double-D chick with a hot tan, so before I had herpes, I wasn't turning all the men's heads anyway. But I could attract a few looks, from the guys that were into the petite thin pale girls with nerd glasses and small breasts. If guys were looking for something closer to Tina Fey or a modern-day Jane Eyre archetype, then I'm your gal.

But as I was shopping at Trader Joe's yesterday, a young bohemian-looking fellow with thick-rimmed glasses was checking me out. He was one of those artsy-hot kind of guys.

Naturally, I was flattered, and flustered. But then a thought immediately entered my head: "bet he wouldn't look at you that way if he knew you had herpes." Oh, le sigh. Stupid cynical negative little brain. Maybe he would?

I am newly single and not liking it one bit. I really just want to get back together with my ex-boyfriend, the one who gave me the herpes in the first place.

In the meanwhile, though, whether I like it or not, I will catch the attention of a few here and there... and when I do, these are the thoughts that now goes through my mind.

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breckgirl

I hear that. Whenever I look at a man whom I find attractive and who may be checking me out...I think "I don't want to give him herpes." Not even that he might not like me anymore because I have it, just that I don't want to risk giving it to him even though I know what the liklihood of it is or isn't. Don't fret, you won't always feel this way. I got it 20 years ago and just recently started feeling this way. So I am sure it will go away. We can't control our thoughts, but we can control how we react/respond to them.

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lifesstillgood
It's a strange feeling, being checked out anymore. You know, when you catch someone looking at you, and you know you have herpes now, and you know they have no effing clue what you harbor.

I mean, I'm not the tall, blonde, double-D chick with a hot tan, so before I had herpes, I wasn't turning all the men's heads anyway. But I could attract a few looks, from the guys that were into the petite thin pale girls with nerd glasses and small breasts. If guys were looking for something closer to Tina Fey or a modern-day Jane Eyre archetype, then I'm your gal.

But as I was shopping at Trader Joe's yesterday, a young bohemian-looking fellow with thick-rimmed glasses was checking me out. He was one of those artsy-hot kind of guys.

Naturally, I was flattered, and flustered. But then a thought immediately entered my head: "bet he wouldn't look at you that way if he knew you had herpes." Oh, le sigh. Stupid cynical negative little brain. Maybe he would?

I am newly single and not liking it one bit. I really just want to get back together with my ex-boyfriend, the one who gave me the herpes in the first place.

In the meanwhile, though, whether I like it or not, I will catch the attention of a few here and there... and when I do, these are the thoughts that now goes through my mind.

And you have no effing clue what disease or virus he harbors in his body. That is until you have a full STD panel run on him. If anything let having herpes teach you not to just have sex with anyone before making sure they dont have something that can perhaps kill you.

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PetiteGeekGirl

Thanks Breckgirl and Lifeisgood, these are both valid points. I do often wonder and worry about giving herpes to anybody else, and I also wonder about what somebody has lurking in their bodies, too.

I guess it just goes to show that contracting herpes or any other STD can suddenly make a person keenly aware of a world that existed right in front of them the whole time, but now they're seeing it for the first.

I remember worrying about contracting STD's with my other three sexual partners over the years, and being careful to use protection, get tested regularly, et cetera. But it was always a far away worry; I was always very confident that those tests results would return negative... but that's because I had been careful with the other three partners. My fourth partner... well, I guess call it a sense of complacency had overcome me... but since I saw this man as being my life partner (as he attested that to me), I felt like, "well, if he has anything, he is worth it." I still think he is worth it, despite the fact that he has moved on.

Well, such is life, and we go on living it. All I can do now is make sure others are educated and aware and ensure that this doesn't spread.

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Now18

The same thoughts used to go through my head when I was first diagnosed, but now they don't. I think becoming aware of how common STDs are stopped this. I no longer feel like a freak with a secret I feel like a normal sexually active adult who is aware of her health.

P.S. I love how you listed tall in your list of things that are considered mainstream attractive. I'm 5'9" and a lot of my male friends always talk about how they're into petite girls. So, your body type might be an asset depending on who you ask. In college, I dyed my hair blonde and tanned (now I'm dark brunette and pale) and I really only attracted attention from douchebags and a lot of people assumed I was a ditz. I dunno, I think there's something to be said for the natural look.

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PetiteGeekGirl

Hey Now18!

Thanks for the words. I like the perspective that you put on this; specifically, that you are a "sexually active adult who is aware of her health."

I recall when I first went to college I took a Human Sexuality community college course to fulfill a GE requirement. This was literally, hands down, one of the best classes I have ever taken in my life.

The professor was an incredibly kind and intelligent woman who wanted to encourage her students to be aware of their sexuality and be careful with it, but also to know that if any of them had contracted an STD that they shouldn't feel ashamed about it, but become aware about it too.

I recall one of her thoughts on the issue of herpes: "Why is it that if someone gets chickenpox, it's okay, but if someone gets herpes, it's labeled 'gross,' or 'bad,' or even worse, the person who caught herpes is a 'whore,' or 'careless.' Why is it any worse than chickenpox? They'll both stay in your body forever. Is herpes worse simply because you caught it during sex instead of during a conversation?"

So of course, she was trying to bring up the point that herpes and other STD's are maligned so much more than other illnesses because of how they're contracted... meaning that there still some residual puritanical views about sex.

Anyway, I suppose I'm heading down a tangental road at this point, but to redirect my original thought, I agree with your perspective. It's a positive outlook to have and I appreciate you sharing!

(And I agree: I once did the blonde thing and while it may work for others I simply didn't feel it... it just wasn't me!) :)

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CR25

contracting herpes or any other STD can suddenly make a person keenly aware of a world that existed right in front of them the whole time, but now they're seeing it for the first.

Great quote petitegeekgirl! So true. It's kindof ironic too cuz by the time our eyes are opened we are already infected. But, at least it's not HIV. So I guess we did learn in time in a way. I feel that if I hadnt acquired herpes I would still continue to have momentary lapses of reason and expose myself to high risk situations. So, that's my only solace i guess these days.

But, yea its hard to feel confident about getting checked out and flirting...when i used to usually feel pretty good about myself. I still feel good in other situations so its not that bad i guess.

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Mellow1

Still suffering

I have been diagnosed for a year now and still cannot get over it and yes when I see a nice looking man-that little voice enters my brain too.

I can't get past it-even when I think ok-MAYBE he will be intelligent enough and I break down and tell a potential-their whole demeanor changes. I've told 3 guys I was really interested in but I am not the one who is running around-doing guys and not disclosing as I am aware of some people-I try to be honest yet the honesty is getting me no where.

I look every day on sites-hoping to hear about some form of a break thru for a cure. I can't deal with this-I am stuck in a non-productive relationship because "he" accepted my issue-but he is not the one for me. Yet I can't move on because they won't accept me with the issue.

I'm tired-I don't want to deal with this:confused:

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gotitsowhat

Living in fear is no way to live

...I can't deal with this-I am stuck in a non-productive relationship because "he" accepted my issue-but he is not the one for me. Yet I can't move on because they won't accept me with the issue.

I'm tired-I don't want to deal with this:confused:

I know it might seem scary, but going out there and taking a chance on love beats living with non-love or a half-love that really doesn't work for you. Give both of you a chance to move on and find someone who is right, not just available and willing to put up with you. SOME people will reject a potential lover out of hand if that person admits to an hsv infection. Then again, SOME PEOPLE WILL NOT. If you read posts on this forum, then you will know that plenty of people have given that awkward "talk" and triumphed. Some people will care enough about you to be willing to take a small risk of getting a minor medical condition. Some have it themselves. If you feel bad about having the talk, try some casual dating on one of the STD dating sites; not, perhaps, ideal but maybe, for you, it might be a good way of getting out there and "practicing" talking with someone about hsv on a date.

Meanwhile, do not cave in to an indefinite period of time with someone not right for you. Don't waste your time. Decide you are going to LIVE, not just exist. I can't promise you will find someone--but you might and right now your chances of finding true love are (drum roll, please) exactly ZERO. Better to go out there--your odds of finding love have to be higher than that!

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hatemyex
The same thoughts used to go through my head when I was first diagnosed, but now they don't. I think becoming aware of how common STDs are stopped this. I no longer feel like a freak with a secret I feel like a normal sexually active adult who is aware of her health.

P.S. I love how you listed tall in your list of things that are considered mainstream attractive. I'm 5'9" and a lot of my male friends always talk about how they're into petite girls. So, your body type might be an asset depending on who you ask. In college, I dyed my hair blonde and tanned (now I'm dark brunette and pale) and I really only attracted attention from douchebags and a lot of people assumed I was a ditz. I dunno, I think there's something to be said for the natural look.

I was about to comment on that 5"9 comment as well lol im 5"9 and a half and i think men are intimidated by me especially when I have heels on cause im over 6feet then. when i go out im towering over most men and they want someone cute they can carry around and look manly with. it doesnt look very macho when your woman is bigger than you=/

anyways i definitely agree with the orignal poster. i have had it for 2 years and have been on and off with my ex cause i cant get into the dating world. im so depressed cause i get a lot of attention but cant bring myself to getting somone to like me and then having "the talk" im shy enough to begin so then to bring up something like that petrifies me. and then a lot of my friends want to know why im still single so in a small circle of friends i dont feel comfortable telling a guy something that he may likely tell everyone else he knows, who are also people that I know...so still searching for love online cause the real world still scares me =/

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chooseyourbattles

I feel the exact same way, PetiteGeekGirl. I have an innocent-looking face, and I work out a lot, so I get a good bit of attention. And sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud. Not as much as I used to, though. I also used to look at every single person I passed and wonder if they had herpes. Not anymore. Mostly now I just think: "You know what? I think I'm worth it. I would have taken the risk for me. And if you don't, then I guess you don't like me that much, do you?"

I recall one of her thoughts on the issue of herpes: "Why is it that if someone gets chickenpox, it's okay, but if someone gets herpes, it's labeled 'gross,' or 'bad,' or even worse, the person who caught herpes is a 'whore,' or 'careless.' Why is it any worse than chickenpox? They'll both stay in your body forever. Is herpes worse simply because you caught it during sex instead of during a conversation?"

I think this is beautiful, and true. Maybe she has it herself? I wish my sex-ed teacher has said this, instead of passing around enlarged and laminated herpes pictures and grinning like it was his birthday.

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PetiteGeekGirl
contracting herpes or any other STD can suddenly make a person keenly aware of a world that existed right in front of them the whole time, but now they're seeing it for the first.

Great quote petitegeekgirl! So true. It's kindof ironic too cuz by the time our eyes are opened we are already infected. But, at least it's not HIV. So I guess we did learn in time in a way. I feel that if I hadnt acquired herpes I would still continue to have momentary lapses of reason and expose myself to high risk situations. So, that's my only solace i guess these days.

But, yea its hard to feel confident about getting checked out and flirting...when i used to usually feel pretty good about myself. I still feel good in other situations so its not that bad i guess.

Thank you so much! Yeah, it's funny how hindsight is twenty-twenty in cases like this. But I guess that's life, you know? We all probably tread far more carefully now that we know we have the potential to hurt others, but that we can also be hurt even more than we already have!

And I agree: somedays it really hits me when I am out, and other days it's not so bad and I know that every cloud has a silver lining.

Thanks for your thoughts! :)

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PetiteGeekGirl
I have been diagnosed for a year now and still cannot get over it and yes when I see a nice looking man-that little voice enters my brain too.

I can't get past it-even when I think ok-MAYBE he will be intelligent enough and I break down and tell a potential-their whole demeanor changes. I've told 3 guys I was really interested in but I am not the one who is running around-doing guys and not disclosing as I am aware of some people-I try to be honest yet the honesty is getting me no where.

I look every day on sites-hoping to hear about some form of a break thru for a cure. I can't deal with this-I am stuck in a non-productive relationship because "he" accepted my issue-but he is not the one for me. Yet I can't move on because they won't accept me with the issue.

I'm tired-I don't want to deal with this:confused:

I agree with BrainyBlonde: please don't feel like you have to settle because you are "second to best" now because of herpes. You are not any worse than any other person out there because of this. You are still that wonderful exciting, vibrant person with the unique personality traits that make you YOU, but now you have herpes is all.

So you have to awkward talks with so folks. It might not be easy at times, but there are so many people out there who will give you a shot because you have so much to offer and would be proud to be with you. There will be people who will accept you, and they will be worth your time, too.

I know it can be confusing and hard, but don't give up!

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PetiteGeekGirl
I was about to comment on that 5"9 comment as well lol im 5"9 and a half and i think men are intimidated by me especially when I have heels on cause im over 6feet then. when i go out im towering over most men and they want someone cute they can carry around and look manly with. it doesnt look very macho when your woman is bigger than you=/

anyways i definitely agree with the orignal poster. i have had it for 2 years and have been on and off with my cause i cant get into the dating world. im so depressed cause i get a lot of attention but cant bring myself to getting somone to like me and then having "the talk" im shy enough to begin so then to bring up something like that petrifies me. and then a lot of my friends want to know why im still single so in a small circle of friends i dont feel comfortable telling a guy someone that he may likely tell everyone else he knows, who are also people that I know...so still searching for love online cause the real world still scares me =/

Hey BP4Life,

Sorry to hear that you are depressed. Please know that you will be able to break out of this "shell" someday. The talk is hard amongst friends, but when I had the talk recently with one of my friends (as she wanted to know why I didn't want her to set me up with a guy), I told her. It was amazing how supportive and understanding she was of the whole situation.

And it's okay searching for love online. I have dated many wonderful people online and at first it's a little scary, but as time goes on, it can become really fun and exciting.

Have you also tried looking at herpes positive single sites, like positivesingles.com? That is a pretty good dating website that I registered for (never met anyone through thus far).

Thanks for sharing your story. Let us know how you're holding up!

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PetiteGeekGirl
I feel the exact same way, PetiteGeekGirl. I have an innocent-looking face, and I work out a lot, so I get a good bit of attention. And sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud. Not as much as I used to, though. I also used to look at every single person I passed and wonder if they had herpes. Not anymore. Mostly now I just think: "You know what? I think I'm worth it. I would have taken the risk for me. And if you don't, then I guess you don't like me that much, do you?"

I think this is beautiful, and true. Maybe she has it herself? I wish my sex-ed teacher has said this, instead of passing around enlarged and laminated herpes pictures and grinning like it was his birthday.

Hey Chooseyourbattles!

That's a great outlook to have, "I would have take the risk for me." That's how I felt with my boyfriend who gave me herpes, and I know if I felt that way about him, then someone out there can feel that way about me too.

And as far as the professor, I often wondered if she had herpes, or perhaps something else, because she was so understanding. Don't get me wrong, she definitely showed us the "nasty slides" visualizing herpes and other STI's, but at the same time she did it to say, "look, this is what you can get if you're not careful, but it's also what you can give to others, so be respectful and safe." She wanted people to remember though, if they had already been down that path or eventually went down it, like I have, that we should never devalue ourselves for something simply because we caught it while having sex. I think it was a great way of educating the class.

She also had guest speakers come to the class: people with STI's, folks who had been sexually assaulted, and individuals who were transexuals.

Finally at the end of the semester, she came out of the closet to the students, letting them know that she was homosexual. The point of this was to let students realize that after a whole wonderful semester, their awesome teacher was actually gay. Some students, such as myself, were fine with this because being gay didn't change anything. Other students were shocked, because it turned the notion of "being a fag" on its head for them and made them re-think their bigotry. A few, sadly, immediately shunned her. (She said that was always the way... about three students would love her the entire semester, yet on the last day they would change their mind and hate her simply because she was gay.)

Her class was really one of the most amazing, eye opening classes I had ever experienced and really hope that other students, whether in grade school or college, would get that level of understanding about sexuality that I did.

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SiameseDream

I know exactly what you mean about people checking you out. I usually get a little depressed because I think to myself "If she knew I had H, she would prob be grossed out"

I'm constantly running out of excuses with women though, and some are actually questioning my sexuality to my friends (is he gay??) :???:

I'm also avoiding certain girls because we have mutual friends...sigh.

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PetiteGeekGirl

Hey Siamese Dream,

Sorry to hear you are going through the same emotional and mental conundrum. It's hard because in one sense, that shows how responsible a lot of us are being: we're worried about passing this along to others, essentially. Yet in another sense, a lot of us are being tormented about it, and it slowly chips away at our self-esteem as we continue to shut down.

Have you considered talking to some of your friends about it? I told the one person I thought might have the most difficult time accepting it, and she actually was very gracious and understanding. It was a relief because I knew that telling others would be a lot easier after that. Letting people know is ultimately your choice: deciding when, where, and whom to tell are all things that one needs to weigh carefully. But it could go a long way in making you feel better, and perhaps making it easier to get out in the world of dating when the time is right for you.

Hope it all works out for you!

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catiesmom

Personally, i don't go through this much. I guess i did a bit more when i was single, but i don't as much. Having my daughter really changed this for me - when a guy checks me out, i usually accept the compliment and keep moving. I don't immediately think about having sex with that person, so why would i immediately think about telling them my positive status? Just because they DEIGN to check me out doesn't mean i'm COMPELLED to sleep with them, and therefore have no use in telling them anything personal about myself.

It's nice when someone checks you out. But, 9 times out of 10, it goes absolutely nowhere. And in that 1 chance, it doesn't usually go farther than an intial meeting. If it did.... well, why would you want to deny yourself that 1 in 100 chance that you'd find someone worthwhile?

I guess i just have a hard time looking at other people and wondering if THEY would sleep with ME. I'd much rather start with would I sleep with THEM. Perhaps i'm just an optimist. :)

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PetiteGeekGirl

Hey catiesmom,

Great point! Another thing to think about next time I catch a person's eye!

And it is important to look at it from the perspective of, "would I sleep with them?" GOOD call! :D

Sometimes it's easier to forget how great we are all individually, but you're comment brings it all back home.

Thanks!

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Wishing Well

I was on the train the other day and I had a scarf on with a jersey which looked kind of camp. This cute girl looked at me and goes 'check out the hot dude with the scarf' to her friend at which point I smiled. In my mind all I could think of was it was better than ''hey, check out that guy with H!''

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hatemyex

Have you also tried looking at herpes positive single sites, like positivesingles.com? That is a pretty good dating website that I registered for (never met anyone through thus far).

Thanks for sharing your story. Let us know how you're holding up!

yea im on positivesingles, h-ype and datepositive.net but only have premium membership on positive single since that seems to be the more popular one. thanx for the encouragement :D

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PetiteGeekGirl

Hey no problem! I liked positive singles because there wasn't that awkwardness of having to worry about "the talk." However, being emotionally ready to date after a breakup... that's another can of worms that I'm going through.

:)

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SiameseDream

Petite - I cant really talk to my friends about this...they're all a bunch of typical guys, so you can imagine what they're reaction would be :???:

I did actually meet some great people from this site though, so I usually talk to them :)

It's nice when someone checks you out. But, 9 times out of 10, it goes absolutely nowhere. And in that 1 chance, it doesn't usually go farther than an intial meeting. If it did.... well, why would you want to deny yourself that 1 in 100 chance that you'd find someone worthwhile?

I actually look at it more positively...If you tell yourself 9/10 times it's going to go nowhere, then it won't.

If someone checks me out (and they're my type physically) well then part of the pie is there.

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PetiteGeekGirl

Hey Siamese Dream!

Sorry that you can't discuss the issue with your friends. It's tough, trying to send out feelers to see who is ready to hear the conversation and who isn't. Hopefully in time you will find those that you can feel comfortable sharing this with (in a conversational sense).

I have one friend who recently admitted that has cold sores on her lips, and I was thinking, "perfect! She just admitted to me that she has herpes, essentially! Now I have someone else I can tell, and someone who knows what I'm going through to boot."

However, before I was able to tell her that I had herpes too, she started saying, "I'm so lucky I don't have herpes. Cold sores are gross, but at least they're not dirty and don't lead to infertility. I can't imagine how disgusting it would be to have herpes!"

Not only did that make me catch myself before I admitted anything, but I had to change my tune and gently fact-check her statements, educating her on the myths and stereotypes of herpes, as well as the general acceptance of cold sores vis-a-vis the stigmatization of genital herpes.

So to conclude, I was able to set her straight on many of the facts, but I was unable to tell her. Perhaps this will change with time.

Glad to see you are taking this in a positive light, though. Thanks for sharing!

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SmartGirl26

Great Advice!!

All of you guys gave some great advice. I too feel this way sometimes. I was looking at this cute boy at school but kept walking because I don't want to have to tell anyone yet. I don't want to tell the wrong person and then they reject me and tell everyone. That will be a nightmare for everyone at my school to know. I just hope that I start felling better about dating soon. I just found out about my diagnosis this month so it's kinda early.

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