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hatemyex

The REAL reason im scared to date in the real world

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hatemyex

Rant section so this will be long SORRY!!:mrgreen:

I know some people on here have said that they have had "the talk" and it went well and there is love out there for all of us etc... BUT I need to be honest with myself and face the truth.

The reason Im so scared to date in the real world starts with myself. Cause I know for a fact that if I was still healthy and I met a guy who stopped me one day and sat me down and told me he had an incurable disease, i would not be too keen on dating him.

And yes, when I was healthy i thought STDs in general were only for people who were promiscuous and didnt like use condoms as well. I only slept with 2 guys and I always used a condom and I got it but still in the back of my mind, even if I were to get a glimpse into the future and realise that I could get HSV2 that easily, I still wouldnt want to date anyone with it even if they told me they were a virgin when they got it!

I mean, I feel dirty now. I know i wasnt promiscuous but I still feel dirty. if I were to meet a guy who was AMAZING and then he dissed me because if this, I could totally understand and I wouldt hate him for it. So when I see people upset because a potential partner rejects them, I never reply because I could understand where that person was coming from.

I feel like online dating is my only chance. Its quite slim though cause the site I have registered on, i havent met anyone who lives in my area. LOADS live in London for some reason lol but none in Birmingham and I work 55 hours a week so commuting is not ideal both in terms of time and money!

Then there is saying that you cant love anyone till you love yourself....I dont love myself right now, I hate myself. I just think there was something else I could have done. Like one of my friends, she and her bf got tested after a few months so they could have sex without condoms. My ex didnt know he had it (supposedly) but I still wish we could have done that and then maybe I would have gotten it. Its coming up on 2 and a half years now and I still feel like shit 24/7.

Does anyone else share my opinion or have you been at this point at some point in your life?I get quite of a lot of attention from guys but now Ive just turned into such a bitch cause I shoot them down so fast because I keep telling myself that if they knew the truth they wouldnt be talking to me at all!

I've paid for one month trial on positive singles but after this month is up I dont think I will renew cause I am having no luck. I dont know what else to do. I hate this so much:(

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breckgirl

I do share your opinion. I am having an internal struggle much like the one you are going through. I have ghsv1. I have had it for over 20 years. Recently I started thinking that I could/should only date men who have herpes as well so I put myself out there on Positive Singles. Siamese Dream said it quite eloquently once. men and women with ghsv1 are outcasts amoung outcasts. There are no men online with herpes type 1. Most of them have type2 or type2 and type1(oral). And some of the ones I have spoken with don't even know what type they have, they just assume that if it is on the genitals, it is type 2 so they don't get type tested. So, I went and got a blood test. First one I have ever wanted to take and I actually found out the type of herpes I had. I have been asuming that I had type 1 and telling that to people. "If you test positive for type 2, it wasn't me" is what I have said. But I started to doubt myself because I have been out there for a while now and had a lot of unprotected sex. I got type tested and confirmed what I believed. I have type 1 only. My dating pool just narrowed significantly if I stick to only H positive people because I do not want type 2. I know I am a hypocrite. I want a non H positive man to trust me that I will not give this virus to him, yet I cannot step outside my comfort zone and trust a man with type 2 to not give it to me.

If I was not H positive, I doubt I would date a man that was. It sounds shitty, but I understand what you are going through. Don't feel bad.

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chooseyourbattles

It's been my experience that people in marginalized groups (STD's, mentally ill, even women) are more discriminatory towards each other than the world is towards them. A lot of people on here with GHSV-1 are terrified of people with GHSV-2. Do you all think that anyone without genital herpes would make that distinction? I was on PositiveSingles for three weeks and was rejected by a man with HSV-2 because I also have warts.

This is why I've never wanted to form a social life around my shortcomings: people with problems are never able to deal with even the slightest bit more.

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MsLucy

Maybe I'm dense. Maybe I just don't care enough anymore. Maybe I'm just tired of all the freakin' whining. If you have HSV 1 or 2, what the hell does it matter what kind you have, or even if you have both? It's just geography!

And if you care for someone, who cares whether it's part of the package, or not? So, say you (generally speaking.... not directed at anyone specific) have type 1, and you meet someone really nice with type 2. To just pass them off is illogical at best. YOU ALREADY HAVE THE FREAKIN' VIRUS! You've blown the chance to even get to know someone who could potentially bring so much positive influence to your life, so you wouldn't get what you already have?

I think some of you need to re-examine your priorities. Herpes is way too important when you let it decide for you who you will or won't let into your life, and who you could or couldn't care about. You want (expect) people to see you for the person you are, not the virus you carry, and yet you don't grant the same consideration to other herpes positive people because their herpes is somehow 'worse' than yours. In my opinion, that's not just hypocritical, it's something worse.

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JBnATL

You need to learn more about the virus

You are giving it too much power over your life. When you state that if some guy you were dating said he had an incurable disease you would stop dating him, you say that out of ignorance. This virus is, for the most part, a harmless, controllable virus.

The people you see here who have no problem dating outside of the h circle have come to realize that. And there are plenty of non h people out there willing to look past the virus and see the person and agree to date them for who they are, not what they have.

Did you know there is a support group in the UK? They list their contact information as being in London but perhaps they know of a group in Birmingham:

http://www.herpes.org.uk

Maybe meeting others with this will allow you to see just how little this virus affects other normal people.

Good luck!

JB

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lifesstillgood

Here is the way I look at it

I cant speak for how a man may feel but this is how I feel as a woman. I plan to be back in the dating scene in the near future. I see having herpes as a very positive thing in weeding out the men that truly arent serious about me. I dont plan on telling the man that I have herpes up front. I am going to wait till we know each other well. Obviously if it lasts a few months it is going well and he has started to care about me. Before we get to sex I am going to say that we both need to be tested for all STD's. Dont know what his will show but I know mine will show herpes. How he reacts to the news will dictate what happens next. If he really cares about me and wants a long term relationship with me then he stays. If he leaves it has saved me so much time and future grief. I dont consider this rejection but a life saver. Both sexes will tell you want you want to hear to get what they want. I want a man to say I love you and dont care about the herpes. I rather be alone then be with someone who doesnt really feel I am worth it. Maybe it is because I am in my early 40's and have learned a alot about life but being in a relationship is not the be all and end all of life.

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hatemyex

well at least 1 person shares my opinion...

but to say that i am giving it too much power is not that easy to overcome cause if it affects me physically as well as mentally then obviously i cant shift it that easily. i dont remember the last day i felt normal. for about 2 weeks a month i feel normal but then when its almost time for my period i think the hormones must trigger something cause i feel terrible. so i would never wish this upon someone so like i said before, if a healthy person didnt want to jump on this bandwagon i dont blame them.

and this might sound cheesy but another reason it has affected me so much was that me and my highschool bf decided to take a break after being together for about 3 years. i moved to UK and he stayed in US, we were both at univerisity but long distance was hard cause of the time difference, cost of flights etc and we decided to take a break till we both finished studying. we still used to talk a lot like nothing changed and we both decided to see other people and then BOOM i got an STD. he was crying...can u imagine 220 pound of solid muscle (he's a footballer!) crying!? and im the one that made him cry? so now i still have this huge weight on my shoulders...i ruined everything. we had talked about marriage and everything and now its ruined. he never said straight up he doesnt want me anymore, we still talk but its not the same and i keep my distance as well cause i fell like crying everytime i see him log on... even if he said he wanted to make it work i couldnt...i feel to guilty and if i were to give it to him i would be devastated. what if i give it to him and he were to get a really bad version of it!!...

thats another thing people dont realise. its one thing to inform a "healthy" partner of the risks etc but you can never predict how bad the other person would get it. what if he gets a type that comes up every week or something? then he is never in the mood for sex? then we break up cause of the tension? then what? i would hate myself for ruining his life.... do you get where im coming from?

maybe im crazy but im letting this have power cause it DOES have power. i dont know what else to say but im just speaking exactly how i feel whether or not it doesnt make sense to some people.

different people have different frames of mind. some people are flat chested and live with it while someone else will only feel confident if they get breast implants. so someone people think im giving it too much power...well i guess im too weak minded or something cause i cant see a light at the end of the tunnel...

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lifesstillgood

Bp4life - you are entitled to feel however you want to feel about this. No one can take that away from you. Honestly, for me personally I dont care that I carry the herpes virus in my system. I do wish that I didnt get minor outbreaks every so often but it is what it is. In the grand scheme of my life herpes is not that big of a deal. No one ever wants to feel crappy from whatever ails them. If I were to be diagnosed with cancer I wouldnt be happy with that either but I would want to live and go on enjoying my life. We all have a a choice how we choose to handle situations that arise in our lives. We can overcome them or let those situations overcome us.

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talesofagirl

I think some of you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. If someone who has hsv1 doesn't want to have sex with someone with hsv2 (or the reverse), it's not a "judgment." I don't think they're saying the hsv2 person is "bad" or "dirty." It's just looking out for the quality of their life.

For example, ghsv2 is supposed to cause a lot more symptoms than ghsv1 (not true across the board, I know). Also, a larger portion of the population already has hsv1.

I, personally, have had a number of gynecological problems that have wreaked havoc on my life. With the exception of one tiny, yet very painful, ulcer, none of them have been related to ghsv1 or any other std. There is no way I would take the chance of catching something that would cause me yet more problems. If you want to judge me for that, so be it, but I think that's crazy. It's perfectly rational behavior to avoid something that could cause you a lot of problems.

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Lookonthesunnyside
we still used to talk a lot like nothing changed and we both decided to see other people and then BOOM i got an STD. he was crying...can u imagine 220 pound of solid muscle (he's a footballer!) crying!? and im the one that made him cry? so now i still have this huge weight on my shoulders...i ruined everything. we had talked about marriage and everything and now its ruined.

bp4life, he cried after finding out you contracted it? And you think that this means that you two cant get married? People in a marriage can endure far worse hardships than a cold sore. What if you married him and he became a quadriplegic and you had to support him? What if he wanted kids and found out you didnt? What if one of you became an alcoholic or drug addict and couldnt recover? Those are the types of things that legitimately test people's relationships and change the quality of their lives. A skin condition that is for the majority mild and barely noticeable, and which is of no harm to the person's actual health should not stop two people who love each other from being together. I think that if this was the right guy for you and that if he was serious about a future with you that he would not let this ruin that. Obviously no one wants to get this but the chances are also very slim. If you're struggling with this, although he's surely entitled to feeling disappointed and having his own worries, dont you want him to support you and make you feel okay too?

As horrible as coming to terms with this virus can be (I know, I'm definitely still not there yet), it really shouldn't stop you from being with someone you love. I dont care what people say about how they'd "never take that chance", because I think if you really loved someone and wanted a future with them, you would. And I think people who wouldnt just arent putting this in perspective.

Anyways, you're understandably still very upset about this, which a lot of us are. But dont let the stigma of this make you think that you dont deserve to be supported and loved just as much as you did before. True, people have the right to choose whether or not they want to be with us, but if someone's not going to accept you in spite of this, do you really want them? Do you want someone who's going to allow you to continue to feel this stigma and as if you've somehow ruined things?

I dont think anyone has the right to judge the way that you're coping with this, and I'm not trying to do that. But it is hard to see people feel like this "ruins" them. I have come on here in depressive rants before and it helps to have someone put things in perspective and get you out of that funk.

I hope you're feeling better.

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Now18

While some things are what they are, I think herpes is one of those things that is as big of a deal as you let it be.

One of the main reasons that I think that it's ethical to inform people of my status and give them a choice, is because those who can't handle the consequences can simply walk away.

However, I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you're sexually active with anyone you should realize that there's a good chance you could get herpes.

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hatemyex
bp4life, he cried after finding out you contracted it?

well i think he was mostly crying cause when i emailed him i was really upset and talking about how i hated myself and i wanted to die so it sounded like i was suicidal.

so when he called me i was at work and he left a voicemail and he was crying cause he was like "why arent you asnwering please dont do anything stupid please call me back ASAP" etc...

but we were young so i dont blame him and if i were in his shoes i wouldnt want me either

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artgirl87

I think some of the replies have gotten a little off topic, but to the OP:

Yes I completely understand where you are coming from! I know personally that before I got H I would NEVER EVER consider dating someone with an STD. Even now that I'm a lot more educated and know that not only promiscious people get it, I still would not blame others at all for not wanting to date those with H. If I somehow found out today that I was misdiagnosed and did not actually have it, I would do absolutely everything in my power to avoid getting it and putting myself through this pain and misery. A lot of people I know ask potential partners to get tested before they sleep together, so this line of thinking isn't uncommon. I know that supposedly 1 in 4 people have it, but I think that really varies across age/demographics. My environment is a private college with almost all white upper middle class/upper class students. Statistics are much lower in this demographic.

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