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pebbles

How to tell your partner

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pebbles

Hello everyone,

New to this site today. I contracted herpes when i was about 22 from being raped. I soon married after this and was married for 15 years. I have been divorced now over 4 years. I have a very light case of it but find it so painful to tell my partners. I haven't been dating for a while and now back into the scene now. I am with a guy now that wants to get intimate and I am scared to dealth to tell him. He is a very compassionate man and kind hearted but to say that word is so hard for me.

Anyone have a ideas that would help me out?

Thanks,

Pebbles

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sweetheart87

When i first told my current bf, it was the hardest thing for me to do. I went through a time where i told a couple of guys and they freaked out and i began to give up on men in all. Then I met the man I'm with now. I have GHSV-1, I was diagnosed almost a year ago, and like you I have a rather mild case. But moving on to telling the partners. I first of all got to know the guy first, I wanted to see if I could trust him with this information. I wanted to make sure that I could tell him and he would be understanding, I know that's hard to see if they are understanding, but you have to be able to gain alot of trust. Well, when it finally came to the point of telling him, we were sorta in the middle of kissing and things were starting to heat it up. I had to push him away, before things got out of hand. He just looked at me first, and he asked me what was wrong. I just told him that I needed to tell him something. That I cared about him, and that I was telling him because he needed to know. I didn't just flat out tell him i have HERPES! I just said, once in awhile, I get coldsores, but I get coldsores, down there. Told him it was just a blister I get once in awhile, and that it goes away. Told him, that the chances of him getting it are like 1%, and that if I keep myself healthy he would be pretty safe. He just looked at me and said he didn't care. He said that he loved me for who I was, and that he has loves me more and more everyday.

Find a guy like that is going to be hard, I think i'm pretty lucky. But you will find someone who will love you for who you are! It's goig to be find, you will find a great man, and you will be happy.

Good luck with everything! Just remember read up on the information and be able to answer the questions if he has any.

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HopelessRomantic727

Honesty is the Best Policy

I know it can be very difficult to have this conversation with a potential partner. I've been living with HSV-2 for 19 yrs, I contracted the virus when I was 19 and I'm 38 yrs old now. After I found out I had it I only had a few partners and then I met my husband and was with him for almost 12 yrs. We separated in 2008 and I am currently dating.

I had to have this conversation 4 times since I started dating and only 1 of the men was willing to proceed with a sexual relationship. The other 3 had major fears and after contemplating it for a few weeks, doing their own research, talking to their doctors and asking me MANY questions, they decided that they couldn't handle it. Each time I had to have this conversation it was VERY stressful for me. Even more stressful was the waiting for them to decide whether they would be willing to take the risk or not. I don't usually get outbreaks very often, up until this year I would only get about 1 outbreak per year, but the stress of these conversations actually made me get breakouts.

I always believed that it was VERY important to be completely honest and knowledgeable about HSV when having "the talk" with someone you want to be intimate with. You don't want to sugarcoat things because if he does his own research you don't want him to think that you were being dishonest with him. I always make sure that they understand that there's a risk that they can get it. I tell them all the things we can and must do to be safe, but never say that if we are careful they definitely won't get it. The bottom line is that no matter how careful you are there is no guarantee that he won't get it. With that said, he will either have to care enough about you to be willing to take the risk or not. I just can't see it any other way. Unfortunately some guys will be okay with this and some just won't.

Right now I do not have anyone in my life. The last guy I was dating broke up with me two weeks after I told him. At first he broke up with me a few days later, but a few days after that we spoke and he decided to reconsider and asked me to give him more time. I did, but a week and a half later he broke up with me again. It was very hard for me because I really cared about him. I told him because the relationship was progressing very nicely and I really hoped he would be able to handle it. I thought that his feelings for me would be strong enough to overcome his fears. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.

You have to be honest with your guy. Make sure that you are well informed so that you can answer his questions accurately. If he really cares about you hopefully he will be able to deal with your illness. This is a situation that is really hit or miss and you just never know how any guy is going to take the news. Regardless, they have to understand that this is your reality, that you have an illness that you CANNOT cure and that if they want to be with you they have to be willing to accept you the way you are. My ex taught me a valuable lesson and this is what I hold on to every time that I miss him and feel like calling him even though I know that he's not right for me. He would always say, "You shouldn't feel sad when someone rejects you. You should be grateful because all they're doing is clearing the way for the right person to come into your life." I'll never forget those words because they are true. If this guy rejects you, you'll know that he's just not the right guy for you. Move on and soon enough you'll find your Mr. Right.

Good luck. I hope he can handle it.

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luvs2laff

I know exactly how you feel. I was married for 11 years. A few years into our marriage I discovered I had genital herpes. I never cheated on my husband, and I don't think he cheated on me. I don't know which of us gave it to the other. My marriage went bad early on. My ex was very controlling, jealous and insecure. He verbally and emotionally beat me down and I was so crippled with the fear of being alone that I stayed. After finding the virus, I stayed because I was terrified that I would never find anyone to love me and accept me and I figured that it was easier to remain a miserable prisoner than to leave and be alone.

I have been divorced a little over 2 years. I have now told three men, and like you say the stress is tremendous. With me it is getting worse each time. The first man I told accepted it right off the bat. We had a good relationship, however, he had so much drama going on from a previous girlfriend that he finally shut me out of his life. Now he wants me back but I know that he wasn't right and that I would just be settling to be with him. The second man I tried not to let into my life at all, however, he was very persistent. He barely hesitated and then told me he thought that I was worth it. He and I had an unbelievable sex life, however we didn't connect in other areas and got to where we argued way too much. Thus we decided we were better friends. Since splitting from him 7 months ago I have again did everything that I can to avoid developing any relationship with men. I recently unexpectedly met a guy that took me by surprise. He and I shared a connection like I never have with anyone. We were both surprised how much we had in common and how much we liked each other and how comfortable we were with each other. This being said I knew I had to tell him sooner than I wanted. We had talks about sex and we connected on every level. I was to the point where I couldn't hold him off and I couldn't hold myself off any longer, although I had a horrible feeling he wouldn't accept me. After telling him, he surprised me and started asking questions. He told me he really liked me and that he was just thinking it all over. After a day or so he finally told me that although he understood everything he kind of felt misled. It has now been several days and he has pretty much disappeared. He told me he was confused and was trying to understand it all. I told him I was comfortable talking with him and that he could ask me anything at all. He never really asked any questions other than how could we get it if neither of us cheated on the other.

Needless to say, I am completely heartbroken. I don't connect with people like I did with him. I really felt like he could be my soul mate. I am an attractive, professional woman. I am in great shape and I have guys come on to me all of the time. I am amazed at how quickly I could spread this virus around if I chose to be irresponsible. Thankfully I am not. But right now I don't want to talk to or date another man. The agony that has come with telling him and how I feel now is not worth it. I don't have anyone to talk to because I cannot bring myself to share this with any of my friends or family. Everyone looks up to me and tells me how special of a person I am and how lucky the man who gets me will be. If they only knew.

Right now I feel like it would have been better to remain a prisoner in my marriage, or to not even be alive. I feel so ashamed and like I am deceiving people and I don't know what to do anymore.

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JBnATL

Where in GA do you live?

Here is how I give the 'talk'.

First I don't start off by saying "I have something important to tell you". Just wait for a relaxed moment and then ask him if he has ever had a cold sore.

If he says "yes", tell him you have the same thing but in a different place.

If he says "no", tell him you get cold sores down there. Definitely tell him it is herpes, but if you can get him to associate it with something he probably does not have a problem with, cold sores, he will probably accept it better.

And yes, learn all you can about the virus and how to contain it. I have had this along time too and have dated many non h women without passing it along.

Are you close to Atlanta? Are you familiar with the support group here? There are two groups, one that meets monthly at Piedmont Hospital for support and the other that gets together monthly for fun events. Go to www.atlantahclub.com to learn more.

Good luck!

JB

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