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Defined

How do I feel better?

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Defined

I am 22 years old and was diagnosed with HSV1 in the genital area four years ago during my second week of my freshman year of college. I had only slept with three people before I found out, and am still not even sure if I got it from actual sex. I still feel like my life ended four years ago and I often wonder what I would be like today if I never contracted this. I had my first relationship about a month after I was diagnosed, and didn't tell him for about a month. He was pretty good after I told him, but the relationship eventually ended. I am yet to be in a relationship since then and the only things I know for certain that I want in my life is a husband and children. I still have no clue how to go about being with people. Many terrible things have been said about me, and I think that is a big part of why I have let this define me. I assume everybody just sees me as gross. Many people have tried to give me advice. Some people commended me on being honest with the people I sleep with, others told me it wasn't necessary to say anything if I was being safe. I was afraid nobody would ever want me, so I went sort of wild and am ashamed that in the past four years I have slept with 22 people (and have not infected a single person). I tried to do the sleeping with somebody and not telling them thing, but it destroyed me. I would never want somebody to do that to me, how could I justify doing that to somebody else? I have always had issues with depression, and it has only gotten worse with this. I feel like I don't care about anything since I don't think anything good will ever happen to me. I have dropped out of college and am working a job that any idiot could do. Nothing really matters to me since this is how I define myself. I no longer have any dreams or look forward to anything. I hoped I would feel better over time, but I am still struggling with this daily four years later. I am afraid I am going to be alone forever. If I can't see past this, how will anybody else? I feel like my life is ruined and I'm not really living. I end up going for terrible guys because I assume that it's inevitable that it won't work out because who would want to be with somebody as disgusting as I am? Thanks for letting me vent.

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JBnATL

Where do you live?

Hopefully there is a support group near your. Seeing other normal people who live with this would probably make you feel better. The support group here in Atlanta really helped me out.

How much do you know about the virus? This site has a lot of valuable information on it and the more you know the more you should realize that this is an insignificant little disease.

Good luck!

JB

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Defined

I have done plenty of research and know all about it. I know other people who have it. It doesn't feel so insignificant. I feel like my life has been ruined and there is nothing I can do about it. I have thought about hurting myself, but I could never do that to my family. I feel like I have just resigned to being miserable forever.

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Ouch24

dont be negative abt it...things could be worse , its not the end of the world. my boyfriend gave it to me and i felt like my world had crushed but m hanging in there.

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Butterfly of the Moment

Hey there, I am 23 now and I contracted herpes in May of this year. I caught this right after I graduated from college. My boyfriend and I went on a break for 3 months (his choice not mine) and had sex with someone else (who gave me genital herpes). I had to come clean to my ex because he wanted to get back together with me and I still loved him too so I told him and he flipped out and couldn't even look at me. He was actually devastated b/c I slept with someone else, not b/c I caught genital herpes. He says "he doesn't care about something that won't kill him." We are together now but I'm bitter about a lot of things that played out this year that led to me catching this shitty virus. If someone cares about you they will find a way and overlook the virus. When you're dating someone, if they've ever had a coldsore, that means you have the same thing. You can't catch the virus again since you already have antibodies. And vice versa. I have type 1 and type 2...not fun and I'm much rather have type 1 only b/c approx 80% of people have it. It's all in your head and YOU are the only person who will never leave you. SO why treat yourself like shit? Do you have to live a miserable existence b/c you are under the false impression no one will want to be with you again. People are attracted to confident and people who are comfortable with themselves. Try positivesingles.com.....that is the most active herpes dating website.

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Defined

I have a date tonight and I feel like if it goes somewhere, I will eventually have to tell him, and it will end. I went out with a really nice guy a few months ago, I told him, and we decided we weren't going to sleep together yet because he needed more time to think. We ended up sleeping together, and then he dumped me. I just don't want to go through that again. It gets harder and harder every time. I do try and stay positive, but I still feel so defeated. I think I'm just using this place as an outlet to vent.

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    • Jayne
      I know this thread is a couple of years old, but it’s been helpful to me, and I wanted to contribute as well. Back to Berliner’s original post, I’ve tested negative on several IGGs, with the latest ones being 1 yr and now almost 2 years past exposure.  Figuring out what was going on was the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through in my life. I made the mistake of drinking heavily a week after my father died of cancer, and I had unprotected AS with an ex, who happened to be poly and had some occasional unprotected M2M encounters.   Three days later I had a red line rash along my (sorry to get explicit) crack. This was followed by a rectal burning. Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. After the procedure though, I felt much better for a while, possibly due to digestive issues clearing up after the colon “cleanse.” But this was concurrent with other issues.   About 3 weeks after the encounter I developed a large rash on my left thigh. Shortly thereafter I started having light sensitivity issues, culminating in a fever-like state after being outside in the sun only for 15 minutes after work. At work around that time for a couple days I felt like I was going through life encased in a gauzy gel- similar to being on laughing gas at the dentist, but not in a good way. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I developed a severe case of canker sores for about a day. Later during a sunny drive, after getting back in the car at a gas station I noticed a red blotch below my lip. I tried to shrug it off but it happened again on the trip back.  So by about a month after the encounter I was having more anxiety. I spent the night at a friend’s house and woke up with a massive, swollen red eye and swollen lips. I got eye drops for bacterial conjunctivitis but that was wishful thinking.  A couple of weeks later, my lips were covered in sores. I smothered them with abreva. By the next day, they had mostly gone away. I tried to do a swab test at urgent care (I believe it was the next day), but there was not enough there to make any sort of positive diagnosis. Since then, I’ve had what you could call repeated aborted lesions and red blotches that appear around my mouth, particularly after stress and alcohol consumption. But even having peanut butter or chocolate would set it off for a long time. Fair skin doesn’t help- there was no hiding it. Two months after the encounter, I had my first vaginal burning- it was pretty intense and I had to use ice cubes because I didn’t know what else to do.   The worse feeling though was the periodic flare-ups of rectal itching/burning, often accompanied by another red line rash. It made sitting uncomfortable for about the next two months. I couldn’t wear pants at work- only skirts seemed to make things somewhat less irritated. And for the first three months, I was still testing for HIV along with HSV because of the overlapping symptoms (rash, diarrhea, neural pain, severe flu like symptoms without fever). I lost a lot of weight and had panic attacks. On top of all this I had just moved to a new city and started a new job and didn’t have a support network. And the sad thing is, I had to deal with all of this instead of being able to grieve for my father and being a better source of support to my mother. She had to support me without understanding what was happening.   Another bad thing through all of this was having both my ex and my current partner treat me like I’m crazy. That makes me feel alone and in the dark. Another “hysterical woman.” F*** that.  And while I felt grateful that my current was at the time still ready to be with me even if I had hsv, it’s a little discomfiting that he still doesn’t really believe me. But I’ve learned to live with ambiguity. And now I’m used to doctors as well as partners acting like this is nonexistent. Especially with negative IGG tests even 2 years later, which have left me without any answers.  I’m lucky in a way to be able to blend in because I don’t get obvious sores, genitally or orally (I can cover up the blotches with concealer, and they fortunately have lessened in frequency). But I still get the rectal itching/burning every six months or so (anthistamines seem to alleviate it a bit). And as more of a concern, I’ve had a cramp in my lower right quadrant ever since, which feels like it’s in my digestive tract. Since this has pretty much spread everywhere else in my body, intestinal involvement wouldn’t surprise me, and it isn’t unheard of anyways. I’ve tried to move past this and have since gotten married to my partner, who is a source of support (even if he doesn’t believe I’m having health problems. I know that’s a contradiction but occasionally I want to believe that too.).  I’m also newly pregnant, and symptoms have started to flare up again somewhat. I’m sure this will be an adventure. Hopefully more good than crazy. I know I’m going to struggle with the fear of passing this along but I’m trying to reconcile what doctors say (which is that it is extremely rare) with my own intuition about what I need to be careful of. Maybe I’ll repost with an update down the road. In short, there are people out there who test negative and have to live with loved ones and doctors thinking that a negative test closes the book on this. Again, learning to live with ambiguity is a real life lesson that I’m still coming to grips with. This forum and specifically this post have been a source of comfort that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere. Thanks everyone for the support for the community.     
    • Rockster
      You deepthroat so good that you get all kinds of mouth-to-skin-of-base contact? Kudos to you, but that is extremely rare. 
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