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keeptruckin

Found out Thursday..

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keeptruckin

I just found out on Thursday afternoon that I have genital herpes. The test results don't come in for another few days but my doctor was more than certain and has put me on some medicine, which since I have been on it I am feeling a lot better.

I was devastated and so angry when I found out. Wondering how I could be so careless. I never just "hook up" with someone...especially without protection. I'm only 21 and I have so much to live for and so much ahead of me and all I could think was if I just had a rewind button...and that no one is going to want to be with me now..I'm 21 and my doctor just told me that when I start seeing someone and I'm ready to take "that step," to make sure I make an appointment with him so that we can go over the options and precautions to take...that was oddly the worse part for me. It made me cry anytime I thought about it...

The doctor said he is pretty much positive that I got it from the person I had unprotected sex with. He said the symptoms came on way too quick, (literally the next day) for it to be from anyone else, since I hadn't had sex in almost a year. Much less unprotected in God knows when.

I told the guy that I got it from. He was, to my great relief, so supportive and understanding. He was unaware that he even had it. He said that he had just got tested because he had started seeing someone and his results just came back as being negative for anything, but I think he may have been with her in between getting his results back and when him and I were together, so I believe that's when he got it...and then I got it. If he wasn't so supportive, and checking in on seeing how I am doing, I really don't know how I would've handled this. And whenever we discuss it, he always says "we." "we will get threw this," "we will figure something out." and oddly that has helped me out so much. It makes me feel like I'm not alone...He is suppose to get tested again sometime this week.

I have told 2 of my friends about it, and they were unbelievably supportive as well. I decided to tell my parents and brother today, which oddly went way better than I thought. I was worried that they were going to think that I was sleeping around or something, but I realized it doesn't matter if they think that, because I know I wasn't. I just made a mistake by not using protection, and there's nothing I can do about it now so I don't need to sit and dwell on it. I'm happy to be alive and I'm happy to know that I am in good health and that will help keep me fighting this. I'm not going to let it stop me from going out and being young and having fun. I'm 21, I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I plan on living my whole life. Yes, it will be different. I'll have to be more cautious...and yes, maybe today just is a good day, and tomorrow I'll be in bed crying thinking I shouldn't have done what I did...but I did it. And there's no turning back. Only looking forward.

My biggest obstacle I think will be stress. I'm a huge stress-ball so i'm going to be working very hard on staying relaxed, taking my vitamins, and do the best and everything I can to take care of myself and take control of this. I have been on this website so much since Thursday, and everything on here has helped me out so much. Realizing that I don't need to completely change my life because of this. People on here are so supportive, amazing, and just normal....and it just shows how common this is.. Being on here makes me realize that the world isn't stopping...sure it may seem like it's slowing down every now and then, but it's not going to stop. I wont let it.

Wow..that was a lot more writing than I intended. Thank you if anyone read it. It's nice to vent.

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WarriorKing

I got H when I was 20. Now I am 51.

There are a million things for you to do in life and none of that has changed.

You cannot be free loving when it comes to sex, but then again no one really should be. HIV changed all the rules.

It could be that you marry this guy and live happily ever after. If not, because you have H, you just have to be more selective in picking future partners, inform them, and be cautious to avoid spreading H.

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keeptruckin

Yes, Thank you. I'm going to take as many precautions as I can, when that decision is to be made...it definitely made me feel better knowing that you got it about my age and that it hasn't stopped you any

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    • Jayne
      I know this thread is a couple of years old, but it’s been helpful to me, and I wanted to contribute as well. Back to Berliner’s original post, I’ve tested negative on several IGGs, with the latest ones being 1 yr and now almost 2 years past exposure.  Figuring out what was going on was the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through in my life. I made the mistake of drinking heavily a week after my father died of cancer, and I had unprotected AS with an ex, who happened to be poly and had some occasional unprotected M2M encounters.   Three days later I had a red line rash along my (sorry to get explicit) crack. This was followed by a rectal burning. Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. After the procedure though, I felt much better for a while, possibly due to digestive issues clearing up after the colon “cleanse.” But this was concurrent with other issues.   About 3 weeks after the encounter I developed a large rash on my left thigh. Shortly thereafter I started having light sensitivity issues, culminating in a fever-like state after being outside in the sun only for 15 minutes after work. At work around that time for a couple days I felt like I was going through life encased in a gauzy gel- similar to being on laughing gas at the dentist, but not in a good way. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I developed a severe case of canker sores for about a day. Later during a sunny drive, after getting back in the car at a gas station I noticed a red blotch below my lip. I tried to shrug it off but it happened again on the trip back.  So by about a month after the encounter I was having more anxiety. I spent the night at a friend’s house and woke up with a massive, swollen red eye and swollen lips. I got eye drops for bacterial conjunctivitis but that was wishful thinking.  A couple of weeks later, my lips were covered in sores. I smothered them with abreva. By the next day, they had mostly gone away. I tried to do a swab test at urgent care (I believe it was the next day), but there was not enough there to make any sort of positive diagnosis. Since then, I’ve had what you could call repeated aborted lesions and red blotches that appear around my mouth, particularly after stress and alcohol consumption. But even having peanut butter or chocolate would set it off for a long time. Fair skin doesn’t help- there was no hiding it. Two months after the encounter, I had my first vaginal burning- it was pretty intense and I had to use ice cubes because I didn’t know what else to do.   The worse feeling though was the periodic flare-ups of rectal itching/burning, often accompanied by another red line rash. It made sitting uncomfortable for about the next two months. I couldn’t wear pants at work- only skirts seemed to make things somewhat less irritated. And for the first three months, I was still testing for HIV along with HSV because of the overlapping symptoms (rash, diarrhea, neural pain, severe flu like symptoms without fever). I lost a lot of weight and had panic attacks. On top of all this I had just moved to a new city and started a new job and didn’t have a support network. And the sad thing is, I had to deal with all of this instead of being able to grieve for my father and being a better source of support to my mother. She had to support me without understanding what was happening.   Another bad thing through all of this was having both my ex and my current partner treat me like I’m crazy. That makes me feel alone and in the dark. Another “hysterical woman.” F*** that.  And while I felt grateful that my current was at the time still ready to be with me even if I had hsv, it’s a little discomfiting that he still doesn’t really believe me. But I’ve learned to live with ambiguity. And now I’m used to doctors as well as partners acting like this is nonexistent. Especially with negative IGG tests even 2 years later, which have left me without any answers.  I’m lucky in a way to be able to blend in because I don’t get obvious sores, genitally or orally (I can cover up the blotches with concealer, and they fortunately have lessened in frequency). But I still get the rectal itching/burning every six months or so (anthistamines seem to alleviate it a bit). And as more of a concern, I’ve had a cramp in my lower right quadrant ever since, which feels like it’s in my digestive tract. Since this has pretty much spread everywhere else in my body, intestinal involvement wouldn’t surprise me, and it isn’t unheard of anyways. I’ve tried to move past this and have since gotten married to my partner, who is a source of support (even if he doesn’t believe I’m having health problems. I know that’s a contradiction but occasionally I want to believe that too.).  I’m also newly pregnant, and symptoms have started to flare up again somewhat. I’m sure this will be an adventure. Hopefully more good than crazy. I know I’m going to struggle with the fear of passing this along but I’m trying to reconcile what doctors say (which is that it is extremely rare) with my own intuition about what I need to be careful of. Maybe I’ll repost with an update down the road. In short, there are people out there who test negative and have to live with loved ones and doctors thinking that a negative test closes the book on this. Again, learning to live with ambiguity is a real life lesson that I’m still coming to grips with. This forum and specifically this post have been a source of comfort that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere. Thanks everyone for the support for the community.     
    • Rockster
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