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IntelligentLifeForm

Will herpes make me lose my soulmate?

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IntelligentLifeForm

Hey, I'm new here and need some support. My X girlfriend gave me herpes 4 years ago and the demon knew she had it. Anyhow, I have vowed to never sleep with a girl without telling first, I couldn't live with myself. Suprise, I haven't been laid in 4 years.

The real issue is two years ago I met the most amazing gir.l I am completely in love. It was love at first sight, we worked together, became friends and eventually fell for each other. We made out and did other stuff quite a bit but never had sex. That is because I always got out of it or put us in situations where we would have to be like "next time". God knows what that did to her self esteem.

Well, you know that could only go on so long. I never told her and actually quit my job and moved. We get along like best friends, we are insanely attracted to each other, and we can actually feel each others energy, even on the phone. It's nuts. She feels the same I am sure of it, she tells me she wants to have my babies, etc.. Anyhow, I have left her completely dumbfounded, she tries to convince me to come home and still just thinks, "the timing wasn't right" ,poor girl.

I decided not to tell her because she is young and beautiful and I would never want to complicate her life like mine has been. She's pure. And when in one of our first conversations I asked her what she wanted to to do with her life,her answer was "be a mom". I could never stand in the way of her dream of having a happy marriage and family. I want her to have all the love in the World. Even if she looked beyond the std I don't think I could put her at risk. I know I sound like a wimp, but this girl destroys me. Everyday my heart aches and I can't stop thinking of her. Fuck my demon liar X girlfriend.

Peace

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Shayna

Wow, that was so sad to read! Life is short...go for it! Why do you think you aren't worthy of a full and happy life with this woman? It's very rare that two people have that chemisrty, at the same time, and for so long! Why torture yourself? Talk to her, let her decide.

Nobody gets through this life unscathed...we all have something we'd rather not have or have to talk about, if you've lived very long anyway. Herpes is such a head trip...it's sad that we cut ourselves off from potential love and happiness because of a skin virus.

There's a post you should read that I think was titled "something totally rockin and cultural" (I hope that's what it was titled)..Great read! It shines a light on how we look at this virus.

I hope you learn more about hsv here and get the support you need from all the wonderful members of this community, so you can get to the place of acceptance and live the life you were meant to live!

Welcome to the forum!

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IntelligentLifeForm

Thanks for the reply. I have accepted my situation, the issue is I will never sleep with this girl because I could risk giving it to her. Relationships are fragile and if we broke up or something happened to me, her life would be as complicated as mine is now. And it is a risk to give birth while having the virus and she wants kids more than anything.. So basically I do not want to potentially screw up her life. And it may sound selfish, but I would rather her always have a romantic image of me in her mind as "the one who got away" than tell her the truth. Because like I said, even if she accepts it I will not do it anyway, so it's just more pointless hurt.

Peace

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MissPandora

Go for it!!

I think you should suck it up and tell her. Please don't let this virus get in the way. It could be your biggest regret. Now listen, I grew up "pure" as well..wanted to save myself for marriage, and didn't lose my virginity till after college. But I have always believed in love more than anything. And I too believe in soulmates. I too want kids badly. And I always knew that if I was crazy about a guy, I wouldn't let something silly like herpes get in the way. Even if I was still a virgin. The only guys that scared me were the guys that could give me the virus without telling me. Your honesty will mean so much to this girl. Trust me. My soulmate and I aren't together right now, but he told me long ago that if I had herpes he would still love me. And here's the other thing - even if she got it, it wouldn't screw up her pregnancy. So she may have to get a C section - so what?! Do you have any idea how many C sections they're doing these days for no good reason? I'm still new to the virus and let me tell you, that's the least of my worries. ALL of my sisters had C sections. Alright, I gotta run. I have a date with a herpes boy, but I hope what I said makes a difference. Love conquers all!

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WarriorKing

You have to give her a chance. You are being unfair to her. You could very well have a relationship with her and never give it to her. And new discoveries are currently occurring.

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breckgirl

I gave birth to my daughter vaginally, no problems and I had herpes. I had a c-section with my second and third child, no problems and I had herpes. Give her a chance. You are selling yourself and her short by not being completely honest with her. Go for it!

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JBnATL

You idiot

why are you letting this little virus undermine your happiness?

You must know little about this, otherwise you would see that it, for the most part, is a common harmless virus. Hell, there is a good chance she already has it. Ask her if she has ever had a cold sore. Chances are she will say 'yes'. Using common sense and taking precautions you can limit the chances of her getting it almost an insignificant percentage.

Perhaps there is another reason why you are avoiding her and using herpes as an excuse.

JB

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regret

you will regret it down the road if you dont take a chance, and before you tell her you need to be more posotive about the whole experience,,presentation is everything... let her decide for her self..if she truly loves you, it wont matter, but allow her a few days to research on it and give her this sight to ask questions. give her a few days to think about it its alot of info to absorb so dont expect an answer right away.allow her a few days to think about it this way she wont feel pressurred to make a hasty descion ....many of us on here are in relationships with a non h person and it didnt matter to them..you need to change your outlook on this virus, otherwise you will be unhappy the rest of your life, my god its no different than any other virus one gets,,you shouldnt let it affect your life this way,,though it is common when your first diagnosed to feel this way, but it does get better the longer you have it..., if you had a coldsore on your lip would you stop dating? never get married? stay hidden in the house? do you see how ridiculous that is? im not trying to downplay how you feel, but you need to really look at this for what it is.. this virus wont ruin your life unless you allow it to..dont give up on your dreams and start living your life...good luck

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Butterfly of the Moment

I'd rather a man be a jerk to me than someone who I can't have b/c they won't commit to me. If you are the best thing that ever happened to her and you want to be thought of as "the one that got away" then you are setting up her life to be disappointed with the next men in her life. Also, she may very well meet and get intimate with men who don't know they have the virus and then where will she be. Feeling all alone in the world and disgusting and may do the same thing you are doing...seperating yourself from people. Take some valtrex and wear a condom. Take some lysine/olive leaf/red algae or whatever as well. My lord, I haven't seen anyone on this forum who gave their partner herpes by using both precautions. I think it's her decision to take the SMALL risk. ALSO, if she rejects you after you tell her, she's NOT your soulmate.

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IntelligentLifeForm

Well thanks for all the helpful support. Especially JBnATL who called me an idiot and implied I am hiding something else from her. She is 22, only been with 2 guys and I am not going to take the risk. You read all of these stories from women on here about how there lives have been so fucked up by this, mainly based on others ignorance though, and you expect me to want to just take the risk of giving it to a girl I would never want to harm in any way? And I have moved and she is free to date anyone she wants, she knows this, we are not a couple. So I am not toying with her. And she thinks we never hooked up because of circumstance. I may have set it up that way, but I'm doing it for her own protection. And for all you holier than thow people, I am on positive singles, I dont think herpes is that big of deal, and I'm not a hermit in my room. But every girl I have told has rejected me, so you see why I am hesitant. I just wanted to vent about this particular situation because it has been extremely hard. I WILL tell her one day because we are friends. I do realize that I should be stronger and tell her, why do you think I posted this damn thread. I thought maybe some people would chime in with some similiar situations or success stories. I thought this forum was for support not criticizing. I really would now just like to end this thread if someone could tell me how. And I will no longer be a member of this forum.

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Butterfly of the Moment

Hey, people just posted their opinions on the topic you posted. I don't see anyone on here who meant to be "mean spirited." Clearly people want to help you make the right choice and yeah, it is up to you. It's frustrating to see someone such as yourself who obviously cares about someone walk away b/c there's risk involved. BUT I understand that no one can change your mind. No need to get defensive. Read between the lines to what people are really trying to say. And as for the women on this forum who got the virus, most of them got it from partners who didn't disclose their status and didn't take proper precautions even if they did know their partner had it. The guy that gave it to me didn't disclose, then again he may not have known. But he lied by saying he gets tested and doesn't have anything to appease me. The moderators can help you I'm sure.

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memyselfI

bummer

I do empathize with you. I haven't had any real relationships (or sex) since I found out my status years ago. I never had the talk either. I don't have a solution but just so you know, it is OUR egos that get in the way ....not other people, not our good humaneness or selflessness, or blah blah blah.. You sound like a terrific guy (and I am quite frankly a terrific woman) but unfortunately it's all about ego.

Best of luck!!!!

meme

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WarriorKing

She loves you. You love her.

There are thousands of happy marriages where only one partner has H.

I hope you come back and reconsider. You may have strong disagreements with what someone here says or how they say it. I had two marriages where neither wife had H and neither wife got H. The marriages ended for reasons that had nothing to do with H.

Maybe people are "shouting" here. Their heartfelt reasons for shouting are genuine.

Your heartache must be nearly devastating. Her heartache may be the same.

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Wishing Well

I think people come across as upset or angry as it sounds like you have found a gem of a girl and you arn't going to at least give it a shot.

Two points I have,

1) If she came to you with this problem, the way you feel, would you turn her away?

2) The chance of tranmission can be reduced so significantly that you likely wont infect her. If its type 1 then she may already be immune as an HSV-1 carrier.

Don't let the one slip away without giving it a nudge. I can understand where you are coming from but a life time is a long time to live in regret...as most of us know all too well.

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Shayna

Hey there intelligentlifeform,

I wish you would give us another chance here! This forum has many wonderful members and we really are a community. The fact that the topics are of a passionate nature means that we can have a variety of passionate responses to our posts.

No one meant you any ill feelings....some may just have a better way of phrasing things than others. :???: But we are really all here to support and root for each other!

Please reconsider and give us a chance to get to know us. There have been some lovely responses to your post...skip over the ones you aren't crazy about.

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justmyself

The title of your post, will herpes make me lose my soulmate, leads me to believe that you don't want to lose her. However, in moving and not telling her the real story, you have made the ultimate choice TO lose her. Love is often a hard thing to find, let alone someone you truly feel is your "soulmate." Letting that go without even giving it a chance may be something you regret later in life. If she feels like you are also her soulmate, she will look at herpes for what it truly is, a minor inconvenience to your sex life during outbreaks. However, avoiding sex during outbreaks, using condoms and taking antiviral meds can significantly decrease the chances of you ever spreading it to her.

I think you are misinterpreting people's posts. Many people on here would give almost anything to have found someone in their life that they feel is their soulmate. And to hear your story about finding yours, but not even giving it a chance makes some people come across as angry, when really, they are envious. Don't take it personally. No one means it that way. Everyone on here has their own crosses to bear and burdens to carry. We are all here for each other to lean on.

Hope you don't give up on us! We'd like you to stay!

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new2hsv2

I understand completely

I was recently diagnosed and have done exactly what you did. I was at the beginning of what I thought could be "THE" relationship and backed out of it because I learned that I have hsv2 and he does not. When I thought that I contracted it from him, I was ok, but when his test came back negative, I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me, I told him I didn't want to lose him as a friend but I am not capable of more right now. He has been understanding and supportive -- he is the strength that I have leaned on throughout all of this. We talk on a regular basis and every time I talk to him I feel even stronger that he is the one. There is a chance that he had a false negative, and there is a chance that I already gave it to him...time will tell...he will be retested the first of the year. But right now I feel that I cannot move forward and cannot move backward...so my life is in limbo because of this. As insignificant as everyone says it is, I am still at the point of thinking it is a major problem. I spent a month in a pretty significant depression, wondering why me, what did I do to deserve this... I am over all of that now (hopefully), but cannot imagine what kind of tailspin I would go into if I learned that I put someone else through this, especially him! I cannot predict how I will react when he gets his next test results, but I can say that I have been honest throughout the entire process. If his results are still negative, I think that I will fess up and tell him that I am interested in more if he is still interested...but I don't know that for sure. I do know that I will take daily meds and do everything in my power to stop the cycle of herpes.

That said, one thing I have learned is that life is too short. Be honest with yourself first, and the person that you want in your life second. IF you want her in your life, IF you can see spending the rest of your life with her, tell her and see where it goes. She obviously thinks you are pretty special. Maybe she is wanting a deeper relationship with you and willing to take the chance.

I think it is honorable that you are putting her happiness ahead of your own. BUT, based on what you initially said, you might just be risking your hapiness as well as hers. I have read so many posts on here about people that continue to have happy healthy relationship with one positive and one negative partner. I hope to have that some day soon too...everything has it's time and only you can decide when that time is for you.

As for me, I hope to have a happy ending to add to my story someday too, but for me, the time to pursue that happiness is not now, this is still too new for me. I have much to learn about how my body is reacting. I have not even had a second ob yet to know what to watch for.

I wish you the very best luck! And, do hope that you reconsider and stay on the forum. We are all here for the same reason, to bounce our frustrations and triumphs over H off one another. Sometimes we will get a pat on the back, sometimes we might get a kick in the butt...but everyone here is either going through or has gone through the same shit. Everything said is said in good faith.

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Now18

I'm sorry this has come between you and her. It's so hard to find someone whom you have a mutual deep connection with, and it's frustrating to hear that it can't work.

I think where some people on this thread disagree with you is that you're putting her on a pedestal, as if she was "too good" for herpes. And as a person with herpes that offends me. How do you know she doesn't have herpes? How do you know the next guy she dates isn't going have herpes? 1 in 5 guys do... I don't think anyone is above this virus. I've only slept with 2 guys and only kissed 5 and I have it. There are girls on this board who got herpes before they lost their virginity, from oral sex with another virgin who had a cold sore.

You're clearly not depressed about having herpes, but you are still buying into the stigma. I say let her decide for herself if she wants to take the risk. For a lot of people, having herpes isn't that bad. If she can handle the consequences, then she'll say "no." Good luck, and cheer up!

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IntelligentLifeForm

I don't think she is "too good" for herpes. I'm sorry I offended you. Knowone is too good for herpes. If I did then that would mean my image of myself must not be very healthy. Just read this forum and all the misery Herpes has caused people, I know this from experience, as well as you. Sorry, but subjecting someone else to that possible suffering for my own selfish needs and desire to be loved is SELFISH. And that is not a easy decision to make. It can be a big deal or it can be nothing, depends on the case and the person. Some people get oral herpes so bad they cannot go out in the sun without having there faces covered in sores, or have sores that never fully heal, sorry but I don't want to live with doing that to someone. It can kill an infant, etc.. It is a SERIOUS condition that is easy for people on here to take lightly because they already have it. I don't even get recurring outbreaks but I can still except the severity of the virus.

And the "pure" comment was not about her being disease free. I was referring to her in general. She has sex only for love, she is genuine, and wants a family. That's the kind of girl most men want. Before everyone gets in an uproar, I do think casual sex is fine and healthy and I'm not judging women who do it, I have had plenty of casual sex.

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Guest Seatortuga

I have a negative BF and we are happily together, even through herpes and his deployment for the military. We are going to get married when he comes home.

I tried to tell him when he first wanted to date me after I found out ( We were really close) that I thought he deserved better and that I didn't want to be with him and pose the risk of giving it to him.

He continued to pursue me, and I'm glad I gave him a chance.

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Shayna

I'd just like to say that the common theme (for the most part) on this forum is fear. That's because it's a place where the majority of the people who come are newly diagnosed and trying to come to terms with it.

Considering the number(s) of HSV+ people running around, this is a mere sprinkle of the masses.

This forum is a place of learning and healing.

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chooseyourbattles

Do you plan on having genuine love sex with her and having kids? If so, then I would advise getting even more comfortable with her before telling her. Then, if she wants to be with you, let her decide when to have sex. If she is looking for her soulmate, I don't think it is likely that she will turn him down because of herpes.

I don't think it's terrible that you are using Positive Singles at all. People do what gets them through the day. But do keep in mind that the more people who confine themselves only to dating others with herpes, the worse herpes is going to look to everyone who doesn't have it. I am not telling you to be an activist. I am just saying that by pushing this girl away, you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

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ImNotInfectedBut

Hey, I just joined to find out more information. I am divorced. I do not have H, but the woman I am in love with does. She got it from her abusive now ex-husband. I actually asked her if she contracted anything from her adulterous husband. I asked her because I have had friends who got H from cheating ex-wives. After I asked her she was very up front and honest. She pointed me to some websites to gather more information about it. She also said if I wanted to talk about anything just ask. That conversation happend after our third date. I am not an unattractive guy. I have my own business and am well known in the community. I have dated quite a few women, but never such a woman as she. We clicked immediately. It was instant attraction. I cannot remember ever wanting to be with anyone more than I do with her.

That is why I am on here. She gave me a guilt free pass to walk away. We have only been on three dates, afterall. We both feel the attraction. She told me the risks, I have read the information. I realize that if I am with her for a long enough period of time, I will more than likely contract it. I an not sure I have ever felt this way about anyone, before. I was very similar to much of the population when thinking about H. This situation never entered my mind.... Until I met her and she happened to have Herpes. It is all part of the package...

I haven't read all of the post here, but if she hadn't told me casually, but instead waited until I was much more vested in the relationship, I would have been furious and hurt.

my opinion is to take her out to dinner, have a nice relaxing evening, then tell her what you have revealed to us here and your reasons for being distant. Then tell her to do some online research. let her know that you will be receptive to talking about the future at anytime.

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tantylady

Hey intelligent,

A few comments:

1) Having herpes should not mean she can't have a family, nor should it interfere with her purity. I'm 21, got it last year - and I do like to consider myself pure and hope very much to have a family.

2) You're putting her on a pedestal! It sounds like she would much rather be on the same level with you.

3) Rejection is terrifying - but you should give her the opportunity to make her own choice! Let her know that most people with herpes never have any symptoms and the majority of people that do get outbreaks find them irritating but minor. Whats hard is the stigma. You want to protect her from that.

And by the way, do you know the statistics? If you abstain during outbreaks, you are looking at probably a 10% chance of giving it to her each year you are together. If you take valtrex, cut that by 50% to around a 5% chance.

I got herpes from a man I cared about A LOT. We had sex once, with a condom, and I got it. He probably knew he had it, he probably had an outbreak and probably had sex with me anyway. It was dark, I wouldnt have known. That makes him an ass.

Despite the fact that he is an ass, I care about him very very much. I want him to be happy. I dont want him to spend the rest of his life sexless in order to avoid giving it to women. It would have been nice if he had waited until he didn't have an outbreak, but if me having herpes is a necessary result of him having a happy existence - I would do it all over again.

It seems you've made your decision - but just in case your mind could be changed....I don't see how it could hurt to tell her. Like you said, the poor girl is probably suffering and confused - at least if you wont be together, she'll know why.

Good luck to you

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HC-Support-Team

This thread has been closed at the request of the original poster.

Shenda

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