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Tiddlywinks

need advice on the talk

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Tiddlywinks

so it is 420 in the morning and i am awake, obviously, and having no fun at all. its always in the middle of the night that i feel most alone. therefore i am using my time productively to post about all of the things i am anxious about. this one is first on my list. i just found out two days ago that i have herpes. ugh it makes me sick just to write that... anyway, soon i will have to have the talk with the person from whom i am pretty sure i contracted it. since i have nothing else to do and i find this sort of cathartic i'm going to give you the back story. him and i met about a month ago. we work together. when he first approached me and suggested we start a sexual relationship i thought it was a little fast, especially considering we work together, but i was open to it because he is fun and good looking and has a variety of interests. i have never really had a relationship and so i have rarely ever looked for something like that and he said he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was only looking for someone to have fun with. sounded great to me. my ideal sort of sexual relationship.

i waited a little while, while i thought about it, but not very long and soon we were sleeping together a couple times a week and having a wild time. you know those awesome people who are just pure fun in bed. last time we had sex was a little under a week ago and i was feeling really tender and sore, so we were gentle. regardless after he left i was in quite a bit of pain. i got out my trusty hand mirror and had a look and i was bright red with some fissures. i thought they were just from having too much vigorous sex, but i was wrong and by the next day i had my first outbreak coupled with a fever that made me want to die...

so while i've been going through this emotional whirlwind i noticed that he had posted on the net that he is also sick and has been off work.

now we had the sti conversation before we started sleeping together and he said he was in a monogamous relationship and hadnt slept with someone new since he got out of it. however, my doctor told me that its likely i picked up my case in the past few weeks and as i was tested just recently and had not had sex with anyone else i am fairly sure it was from him.... but ugh! i am confused! is it possible that i could have had this in my system for a few months from someone else and that rough sex just triggered my first outbreak? also, if he is a carrier without knowing it... could his transmission to me cause him to have a first outbreak as well? would that explain his being sick? how do i find out more definitely whether he gave it to me or i gave it to him? how do i tell him in the first place? what should i do if he gets angry or violent? i have a real social anxiety about interacting with men in any real way. sexually was always easy because you can close off the part of your mind that needs real communication and just lose yourself in the moment, but i have never had to have a conversation this serious with a man and i am terrified. what if he thinks that i gave it to him and tells people at work? i don't want to lose my job over this.. and i dont want to lose him either. despite the fact our relationship was sexual, i still admire and respect him and want him to be my friend. i want to be able to go to cocktails and laugh and joke like before all of this happened. this is so heavy, i think i'm going to cry... or maybe i'll just have another t3 and numb myself a little more.

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