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barbie2004

this sucks

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barbie2004

hello need help on telling friends that i have herpes but dont know how to tell them they are so against people that have it.so if anyone has any sugestion please let me know thank you.

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HITBYHSV

First of all I would like to know why you want to tell?

Im a true believer in telling - but I think it very much depends on what situation your in. If its about clearing your mind and make your H insignificant in your life I believe its good to talk - if however your in a situation where you run the risk of loosing all your friends I believe we talk this first before you go telling.

I have another thread here that is called "We need to say?" - you can find it by go look under my threads. Here we are some guys discussing how to do and why....kindly read this thread.

Now - if you are really set to come out of your H-closet and tell the world then of course it must happen......as what your set to do your set to do and I dont think anybody here should hold you from doing so.....

For me it has never been negatove to tell - but if your among a bunch of dumb-snobs that hasnt got a clue about what we all can get hit by in a split of misfortune then - fine - then just take the risk of loosing them as they are not worth holding on to anyway if they tick that way.....

In the US (I persume you live there) people seems to be total ignorants about Herpes - as its like being hit by the pest or something in most eyes there if getting infected - where I live in China nobody gives a shit - frankly - out here its a skin-disease and its not even being acknowledged really - you can test in one place here and all other hospitals dont even test as the outbreaks are mere and mostly only really sever first time around.

One thing is very important for you though and that is that you stay who you were before getting infected - H cant be allowed to take the overhand on you and if you feel you need to tell to stay who you were before infected then its how to do!

Basically you need to stay a positive person as positivity takes loads of wind out of the sails of your H-infection....smile and keep smiling...and smile again and again......its the way forward.

In terms of getting your life back - dating etc. you must tell anyway and if you date within your circle then people will get to know anyway - its very difficult to keep it silent to close people around you and then its so much better it comes from your mouth than behind your back from others...

Stay ice cold about your infection and any bad reaction you may meet - come out of the H-closet and you will see that life will bring new inputs - you will be fine!

All the best!

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barbie2004

well i dont feel that i have to tell them about it but i like to be honest and this last while its been a big deal to them and i get very mad when they talk about it they dont even know what the hell there talking about i try not to show it but sometimes its hard i know i am just mad because i dont know where i got it from as i was married to the same guy for 29 years so i dont know if i got it from him or what the doc said that i got it from stress but my new doc said you dont get it from that so i know thats why i mad about it this and i dont date or have a bf because i am scared to i dont want to give it to anyone so i just stay on my own i mean i am 48 and i still have needs but scared.anyways thank you so much for your reply :) and i am from canada thanks so much have a great day

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MissHope

Hey Barbie, welcome. This is a great site and I hope you find some answers.

Regarding telling.... first off, look at this way.... no one asks to get Herpes. We all got it from someone else. We didn't go out and get it for the fun of it.

Perhaps when your friends starting talking about it, you could make some comments about it. When they start bagging people, explain that 1 in 5 people have the virus (of whatever the stats are for Canada) and that it really is just a skin condition. They are obviously very misinformed.

Let them know you've done some research and it isn't that big a deal. I am sure between your group of friends, they all know someone that has had a coldsore at some point in time.... a colleague, a friend, a family member.

Then maybe if they are receptive, you could tell them. At least if you don't tell them, you could educate them to not be so judgemental.

Personally, I've told my close friends, and they've been amazing. They are also now educated on this virus so the next time they meet someone else with it, they will be understanding.

Do you have a support group in your area? Perhaps going to meet with others where you can talk openly would be helpful? They can also give you some advice....

Good luck. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Keep in touch here - we're all happy to talk anytime.

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barbie2004

hi thank you for your reply and your right we dont go out to get this it is something that just happened and you i was married to the same guy for 29 years and i never had sex with anyone elts but him and still til this day its the same for me i am scared to have sex with anyone elts but i hope one day i can get past that i have been on my own for almost 8 years now and no sex but its all good i do get lonley but i learn to deal with it and your right when my friends start to talk about herpes i will tell them that maybe they need to read up about it its bad but not as bad as they think it is they wont get from talking to people but to hear them talk they think they can they just need to read up on it i did once i found out so they can do the same and i will tell them to open there mind up about and dont be so jugmental about it but thanks you did help hope to talk to you again and take care

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sun seeker

Hello

Like you im in my 40s and have been with same man for years and never slept with anyone else. I was diagnosed with genital herpes earlier this year, He also has been diagnosed.

I confided in my line manager at work first (thankfully i work in a support setting) she was fantastic, even came to Drs apps with me.

I told my 3 children next. They were brilliant and got right in there with finding information and educating themselves about herpes. They even trawl this site alongside me. I couldnt of asked for more....

It was a while before i plucked up the courage to confide in a few close friends. I started with I need to tell you something and its really difficult for me... this got thier undivided attention and then i said I have been diagnosed with genital herpes! Just like that.... Once they picked thier chin up off the floor hehe they were really supportive and empathic, To be honest once the inital questions were out of the way they seemed to forget all about it.

Its me that mentions it and when i do they make the space to listen and try to understand.

I hope you will experience something as positive when you find the courage to share.

I'l be thinking of you.

Good luck

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barbie2004

well thank you so much for telling me that i hope my friends will understanding like your friends although i havent told my daughter but i hope she will understand and shes 24 so i hope all goes good for me if not there is not much i can do about it .but thank you so much for your reply and i hope all goes good for you take care :)

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LAK

yeah it sucks!

hey Barbie,

hitbyhsv has a very valid point. it's a lot easier to deal with things head on than it is to deal with the whispers behind one's back. nothing ever stays a secret. i would venture to say you probably will lose a friend or two. times like this you find out who you're friends really are. i would also venture to say you will find support in some very surprising places.

my experience with lame, ill-informed and just plain crappy societal attitudes has, up until now, been with mental illness. i'm a manic depressive. after years of trying to fit in, to keep quiet, all that good stuff, i finally said, "screw it. this is who i am. i'm done trying to be someone else." you of course will have to find what's comfortable for you but for me just being out there with it has been a tremendous relief. my little bit for public service. it forces them to take what they *think* they know about it and reconcile it with *me* and i'm fine better than 90% of the time.

i'm 47 with a daughter a year older than yours. she has been very supportive, particularly in light of the fact that i am in the middle of a very nasty divorce with her father who knowingly gave me the virus. ("i don't want you anymore, i'm going to make sure no one else does either" kinda thing.)

i also share your fears about dating and passing on the virus. to be real honest i am in no way past that yet and still spend a lot of time crying. i cannot currently even imagine that anyone will ever take the time to look beyond both manic depression and herpes. i have not yet been able to convince myself that the ex hasn't succeeded in making sure no one will ever want me again. so, no advice there at all, but i do understand how you feel.

best luck with 'coming out'. you'll do fine with that. the relief is well worth any morons you may lose along the way.

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barbie2004

hi thanks so much for your reply and ya your right i will find out who my real friends are but you know what i am at the point i dont care what they think of me anymore if they want to act like total asses then so be it but just because i have herpes doesnt change who i am and as far as my daughter goes she will have to except it im still her mom lol she cant change that. but anyway thanks so much and you take care :)

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barbie2004

hi and yes you got that right it just isnt worth it i dont need the stress either lol anyway hope you have a great day and take care :)

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HITBYHSV

Hi Lak

Im sorry to hear your story.....I think - however - that you shouldnt be depressed about your two conditions. I have Diabetes and Herpes and if my sugar numbers are high I go sort of manic. I thought that the two conditions would keep me from dating again - keep me from meeting someone - as who wants a guy that is basically deteriorating alive with his sugar condition (2/3 dies within the first 10 years) - and who has to live a stringent life style to avoid blabling waste all day long - a long with having to take the risk of getting herpes while being with me.....?!

Well - I can tell you that there are more than one person out there that will want you! - I have a GF now but even so I keep meeting people that are Herpes infected all looking for partners....I dont think that your mental state of mind is a blocker as long as your fairly in balance; - too many people are infected - you just need to go seek and you will find - believe my words....

All the best.

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gotitsowhat

Who has to know?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for openness about herpes if you can manage it. All of my long time friends know I have genital herpes.

However....NO ONE, except for a potential sex partner or potential mate, has to know you have herpes. This is not like some bad deed that you have to confess to--it's private medical information. The only people who have any right to know about this are people you are about to have sex with or are becoming intimately involved with. If there is no good reason to tell someone, then it is entirely up to you whom you wish to tell. You do not "owe" this information to anyone and do not need to discuss it with anyone but your doctor, mate or lover or someone who might become your new doctor, mate or lover.

You get to decide whom to tell.

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