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Confusedgrl84

My Confusion

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Confusedgrl84

hey everyone... this is my first time on this site and my first time coming completly out about this...

When i was 18 (im 25 now) my mother passed away and me looking for affection began dating this guy...

We had a good relationship at first..we dated for about a year and a half before I found out he cheated on me... at the time i found out he cheated on me i was 4wks pregnant.. i ended up gettin an abortion and when i went back 2 wks later for a check up, they saw a small bump down there and had me tested and came back positive for genital herpes...

Being 18 and newly on my own I thought it was the end of me.. it was horrible i was so depressed thinking i will never have another relationship, i will never have kids and etc...

I started doing a lot of research on the virus and found out a lot of things that made me feel alot better about having it...

The problem that im still having is telling a potential partner about it without feeling dirty and nastty (even though i know that im not)

At first i wouldnt date anyone at all... then i met this guy and ended up telling him.. things were ok but he did end up growing away from me...

Then I met a friend that had herpes..the first person i met that had it.. shes a little crazy in the first place but i decide to talk to her about it..she said ( i know its wrong now) if your not getting into a relationship then u jus gotta be careful and be protected but you dont have to tell them...

I know now that this is wrong on so many levels..

The next guy i met and was seeing.. i ended up telling him about it and he flipped out and never talked to me again...that put a damper on my whole "trying to be honest" thing and i was so upset for a while...

Then I met another guy that i was jus friends with because he had a girlfriend at the time which he was not happy with.. So im not worried about telling him because i figured hes with somone and hes not gonna leave her...

One night unexpectedly we were drinking and before i could even stop it we ended up having sex.. I was upset and feeling bad but we used protection and again i figured that he was gonna stay with his girl so i dont have to worry about it...

the next week, he left his girlfriend and wanted to be with me.. i had a lot of feelings for him and continued chilling with him and i was distrought because I normally woulda waited and told him first but now it was too late cuz i already slept with him!

I was so scared and more and more falling for him and him falling for me... we ended up staying together for almost 2 yrs! we were always protected and i was always careful.. see by this time i have had herpes for years already and i knew all this info and my outbreaks occur maybe 2 or 3 times a year and when it happens its only one little sore that last for like 3 days and thats it so i know he doesnt have anything..

He ended up having to move to a different state for other issues and i was heartbroken but again i thought it was over ... but for the past year and a half we still talk almost everyday and are more in love than ever.. he wants me to have his kids be his wife etc.. this guy is the true love of my life...

I screwed up so bad and i have felt this extreme guilt for such a long time which makes me not compltetly myself.. i feel like a worthless human being but i was jus soo scared and still am.. I feel like I have to tell him cuz i cant live with the guilt anymore.. iknow what i did was so wrong and he has every right to be higly upset and leave me alone forever but i just need a little advise on how to tell him and if i should or not or if anyone has been in a similar situation.. PLZZZZ Help me

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Guest Seatortuga

High time for disclosure, honey.

You know about herpes, and you know you could have passed it along even with out an OB AND using condoms.

Also, he could already have herpes, or something else for that matter.

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Confusedgrl84

That I already know and believe me ive put myself through hell for it.. is there anyone that can help me with advise instead of just telling me he could still have it? (this I already know)

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joiedevivre100

Advice

Just tell him you went to your annual appointment and got a full STD screen and it came back positive for HSV2. Tell him that the Dr. said it could lie dormant for years. Blah Blah Blah

Just tell him even if you have to lie to ease the pain for yourself.

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hhasthehblues

Agreed

You don't have to tell him you've known all along. Just tell him you just found out you have it. If he's that crazy about you he'll be thankful for your honesty and I'm sure will accept you.

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chooseyourbattles

Yeah, at this point I would have to recommend telling him you just found out you have it.

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Wishing Well

The down side is convincing him its safe as he probably wont realise hes been at risk for two years and not caught it.

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darkangel2100

Best of luck. I agree with telling him you just found out. At least you are telling him about the herpes, that's the important part. I'm glad it's working out for you with him even though it didn't begin in the right place, that doesn't mean it isn't right.

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Confusedgrl84

thanks so much guys... thats somthing i was thinking about doing but wasnt sure.. i know he loves me and now i us gotta figure out the right way to tell him..its kinda hard cuz he lives soo far away and this is somthing i dont wanna tell him on the phone cuz thats so impersonable and i dont wanna tell him when we finally get to see each other (its been like 7 mnth) cuz itll ruin it..im thinking by the phone would prolly be better but on the phne he has the ability to hang up he has the ability to not pick up anmore either so .. any advise??

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newtothis2009

I hope that my reply is welcomed. I am writing a response from the other side of the fence. My partner is infected, and currently, I am not...My suggestion would be to be completely honest. Tell him about your previously bad experiences with the talk, and why you were hesistant to tell him...and also go back to the night that ya'll were together, and how thing progressed not according to your plan, and that things "just happened." From the other side, if you tell him that you went for your annual screening, and it came back positive...it would raise concerns in my head, as to when you actually contracted the disease. It would make me wonder if you were faithful, which, from your story, you love him, and have been faithful. Herpes is easier to deal with rather than the thought of not being faithful, especially because your relationship is a long distance one.

Just my thoughts, by no means, am I trying to pass judgement, I just know how my mind works, and these would be questions that would arise in my mind, if you were not to be honest, and tell him that you have had it all along.

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    • Jayne
      I know this thread is a couple of years old, but it’s been helpful to me, and I wanted to contribute as well. Back to Berliner’s original post, I’ve tested negative on several IGGs, with the latest ones being 1 yr and now almost 2 years past exposure.  Figuring out what was going on was the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through in my life. I made the mistake of drinking heavily a week after my father died of cancer, and I had unprotected AS with an ex, who happened to be poly and had some occasional unprotected M2M encounters.   Three days later I had a red line rash along my (sorry to get explicit) crack. This was followed by a rectal burning. Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. After the procedure though, I felt much better for a while, possibly due to digestive issues clearing up after the colon “cleanse.” But this was concurrent with other issues.   About 3 weeks after the encounter I developed a large rash on my left thigh. Shortly thereafter I started having light sensitivity issues, culminating in a fever-like state after being outside in the sun only for 15 minutes after work. At work around that time for a couple days I felt like I was going through life encased in a gauzy gel- similar to being on laughing gas at the dentist, but not in a good way. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I developed a severe case of canker sores for about a day. Later during a sunny drive, after getting back in the car at a gas station I noticed a red blotch below my lip. I tried to shrug it off but it happened again on the trip back.  So by about a month after the encounter I was having more anxiety. I spent the night at a friend’s house and woke up with a massive, swollen red eye and swollen lips. I got eye drops for bacterial conjunctivitis but that was wishful thinking.  A couple of weeks later, my lips were covered in sores. I smothered them with abreva. By the next day, they had mostly gone away. I tried to do a swab test at urgent care (I believe it was the next day), but there was not enough there to make any sort of positive diagnosis. Since then, I’ve had what you could call repeated aborted lesions and red blotches that appear around my mouth, particularly after stress and alcohol consumption. But even having peanut butter or chocolate would set it off for a long time. Fair skin doesn’t help- there was no hiding it. Two months after the encounter, I had my first vaginal burning- it was pretty intense and I had to use ice cubes because I didn’t know what else to do.   The worse feeling though was the periodic flare-ups of rectal itching/burning, often accompanied by another red line rash. It made sitting uncomfortable for about the next two months. I couldn’t wear pants at work- only skirts seemed to make things somewhat less irritated. And for the first three months, I was still testing for HIV along with HSV because of the overlapping symptoms (rash, diarrhea, neural pain, severe flu like symptoms without fever). I lost a lot of weight and had panic attacks. On top of all this I had just moved to a new city and started a new job and didn’t have a support network. And the sad thing is, I had to deal with all of this instead of being able to grieve for my father and being a better source of support to my mother. She had to support me without understanding what was happening.   Another bad thing through all of this was having both my ex and my current partner treat me like I’m crazy. That makes me feel alone and in the dark. Another “hysterical woman.” F*** that.  And while I felt grateful that my current was at the time still ready to be with me even if I had hsv, it’s a little discomfiting that he still doesn’t really believe me. But I’ve learned to live with ambiguity. And now I’m used to doctors as well as partners acting like this is nonexistent. Especially with negative IGG tests even 2 years later, which have left me without any answers.  I’m lucky in a way to be able to blend in because I don’t get obvious sores, genitally or orally (I can cover up the blotches with concealer, and they fortunately have lessened in frequency). But I still get the rectal itching/burning every six months or so (anthistamines seem to alleviate it a bit). And as more of a concern, I’ve had a cramp in my lower right quadrant ever since, which feels like it’s in my digestive tract. Since this has pretty much spread everywhere else in my body, intestinal involvement wouldn’t surprise me, and it isn’t unheard of anyways. I’ve tried to move past this and have since gotten married to my partner, who is a source of support (even if he doesn’t believe I’m having health problems. I know that’s a contradiction but occasionally I want to believe that too.).  I’m also newly pregnant, and symptoms have started to flare up again somewhat. I’m sure this will be an adventure. Hopefully more good than crazy. I know I’m going to struggle with the fear of passing this along but I’m trying to reconcile what doctors say (which is that it is extremely rare) with my own intuition about what I need to be careful of. Maybe I’ll repost with an update down the road. In short, there are people out there who test negative and have to live with loved ones and doctors thinking that a negative test closes the book on this. Again, learning to live with ambiguity is a real life lesson that I’m still coming to grips with. This forum and specifically this post have been a source of comfort that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere. Thanks everyone for the support for the community.     
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