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LAK

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LAK

herpes as a parting gift from the not-soon-enough-to-be ex. sorry bastard didn't have the balls to ask for a divorce. asshole *knew* he was giving it to me. diagnosed 10 months ago and doing exactly no better at all with it. pissed as all fucking hell. this has totally changed/wrecked how i see myself and how i feel about myself. i rarely leave the house except to work. i don't talk to men anymore unless i have to, and that's mainly at work. i feel deeply, deeply ashamed to have this. for no good reason. i also have a major mental illness, manic depression (bipolar. i dislike the new terminology.). between these two things odds are overwhelming that the dog is the only one who will ever again share my bed. i should probably buy her a nicer pillow. i am doing very, very badly with the knowledge that, barring a complete fucking miracle, i will always be alone. never mind the concept that anyone who says, "major mental illness? permanent venereal disease? i'm in!" is probably someone *i* should run screaming from. only small bright spot is that the gf idiot left me for dumped him less than a month later. he gets to live with it alone too. he's got type 1 as well and gets huge, blistering, oozing sores on his lips. i'm hoping his dick fares just as well.

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catiesmom

I can totally understand your anger. Sounds justified. But please try to remember that anger in a situation like this is only self-defeating. No one is suffering because of your anger but you.

I went through something kinda similar when my daughter's father left. I was pissed at him, pissed at myself, and ready to throw in the towel. It took me 3 years to figure out that i needed to forgive myself for letting him pull the wool over my eyes, and for not having the balls to get out when i knew i should. It's amazing what a life-changing realization that was for me. All of a sudden instead of wanting him back, or hating him to the point of distraction, i couldn't understand why i'd ever been with him and certainly DIDN'T want him back. I was able to stop spending my energy looking back and i finally, after almost 4 years, managed to start looking forward. I found 2 people who were accepting of my single parent-hood and my HSV (which i caught later from the first guy i even messed around with after said baby daddy, and not even from sex!), and i married the second one.

PLEASE take some time to be nice to yourself and see if maybe you need some forgiveness too.

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WarriorKing

Buy the dog a nicer pillow. And maybe a steak once in a while.

Pick small things to do that you care about to make a difference. Maybe volunteer a couple of hours a week at a local animal shelter.

Find some small ways to give a little joy and bring a little joy into life.

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LAK

thanks guys

i appreciate your replies.

so far as i'm aware i have nothing to forgive myself for. it took me all of a week to realize i hadn't lost anything worth having. i do promise i am not the only one suffering from my anger. i have the best divorce firm in town making sure he gets to enjoy it as well. if one is going to get caught cheating, one does *not* want to do it in the bible belt. as it stands right now, to warp an old expression, i will end up with *more* than half the money and all the pussy. so far even my dogs are getting medical care out of this.

the anger stems from the nasty, sadistic shit he did to me in the bedroom trying to get *me* to ask for the divorce and from the fact that there was a large does of, "i don't want you anymore, i'm going to make sure nobody else does either". it was no accident he passed the herpes on to me. i make no claim to having been a perfect wife but after 26 years i deserved better than that.

i can get the dog a nicer pillow. any steak i can buy will be at least half her body weight. :D

as far as small things and volunteering.............i currently have not the time, money or the energy to do it. all my time, energy and cash have gone, for the last ten months with no end in sight, to cleaning up the mess i had dumped on me.

painting the house (this is not cosmetic. i've had raw wood on the exterior from the windows and doors that were replaced just before he left.) repairing my car (he left me with a 20 year old car. no typo, it's a 1988. i walked and begged rides for a month and a half last time it dropped dead.), replacing the laundry room floor after it caved in (joists and all. 7 years in this house with mr. "oh, it'll be ok"), replacing the washing machine that dropped dead and doing critical maintenance on the hot water heater. i am doing all of this by myself with the exception of the floor. one of the guys at work helped me with that. all of this needs to be done *now*. if i don't finish the paint job my exterior wood will rot in the winter rain. if i don't get the seriously worn timing belt replaced on my car i'll lose the engine. (it's an interference engine. timing belt goes so do the rods and pistons. then it's new engine time. due to the nature of my job my budget fluctuates radically. no way i can commit to payments for a newer car.) if i don't take care of the water heater i won't have hot water. these three things have reached critical mass. i *can't* put them off. i also have to show up at work once in awhile to make the money to do all this.

i have roughly 1/3 of what i make in a year in debt. my savings is gone, my i.r.a. is gone, my visa is maxed and i had to borrow money from the union to pay my lawyer last time.

i am exhausted all the time. i've already had one vacation to the psych ward this year due to a massive medication failure. i've not been able to work full time in years due to the manic depression but am currently taking every gig they can throw at me to try to pay for all of this. i'll be very lucky not to end up back in the hospital.

i've told my lawyer to drag out the divorce as long as possible so i don't lose my health care. the drugs that keep me alive currently run about 750 a month. no way i can pay for that. and i die without them. no dramatization there unfortunately. predictable consequences of not having proper medical care and access to medication, according to my doctor, are debilitation, institutionalization and even death. with appropriate medication i'm fine better than 90% of the time. without medication i go from zero to suicidal in very short order and based on past experience, if i don't have access to the medication i'm looking at about six months. optimistically. not a cheery prospect.

and always, floating behind all of this, the knowledge that chances are overwhelmingly in favor of me being alone forever. it's not that i think i'm so bad. it's knowing that there are large societal prejudices when it comes to venereal diseases, let alone permanent ones. there are larger prejudices when it comes to mental illness. i'm 47, not dead. i had thought that it might be nice sometime to have a man take me in his arms and kiss me again. vegas just isn't giving good odds on that now.

sorry this is so long. as you can tell, my stress levels are through the roof. again, thanks for your replies.

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catiesmom

If you've been with him that long, it's highly possible he'll be required to provide medical coverage for you if you're unable to provide it for yourself. My old boss was in the position where he and his wife were separated, but because her medications were well over $1000 a month and she couldn't work, he would have been required to pay for them out of pocket if they'd divorced. They stayed married so he could have her on his health insurance and pay less.

Just adding my two cents. Sounds like you're in a bad place at the moment, but hopefully it will get better.

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LAK

an exhausting place mostly. i'm keeping my fingers crossed on the health insurance. we'll see what my attorney can do. i've got an application in for disability, which i find mortifying, but i need the health coverage and can only work part time. i'm beyond lucky there. my co-workers all know and are very understanding. two of the most senior people in our local (brothers) both have a bipolar daughter so are very aware of the realities of it. as far as my job goes, it doesn't get much better.

i try to keep in mind what one of the guys i know tells me: no matter how good things are, they'll get worse. no matter how bad things are, they'll get better. life is change.

my outbreaks are so mild that, had i not been tested, i would never have known i have herpes. doing manual labor for a living it could very easily have been put off to other things. so again, lucky there. no need for medications. a good thing as possible interference with my other medications could pose a huge problem.

thanks for responding. i do appreciate it. most of the time i do ok with most of it. manic depression is at least good for that. one doesn't survive it very long without some kind of strength and inner resources. those things help in dealing with the herpes as well. it's the knowledge that i am by far most likely to be alone always that i can't seem to get past. losing the possibility of any kind of romantic love crushes me every time i think about it. there's nothing i can do about it and i do not do well with things i cannot fight.

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WarriorKing

one doesn't survive it very long without some kind of strength and inner resources. those things help in dealing with the herpes as well. it's the knowledge that i am by far most likely to be alone always that i can't seem to get past. losing the possibility of any kind of romantic love crushes me every time i think about it. there's nothing i can do about it and i do not do well with things i cannot fight.

Just went through the rejection after a 20 year marriage. Had lots of thoughts racing through my mind.

Used my own strength and inner resources to get through it. Started doing things for ME. Started doing things for others here as well. Realized that my own happiness and peace of mind have to come from me, not from another.

I choose to enjoy life. This is my feeble advice. Hope it helps.

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LAK

good advice. hard to follow sometimes. the old "when you're up to your ass in alligators it's hard to remember that the main objective is draining the swamp" thing.

i'm doing these things the best i can. took me all of a week to realize i'd not lost anything worth having. pretty sad after 26 years but true.

i am also not looking for my happiness/peace of mind to come from someone else. that does indeed come from within. frankly, if not for the herpes, i'd not even be concerned about it right now. i'm 10 months out of a 26 year marriage that pretty much sucked from the beginning. i'd honestly send the man a thank you note for leaving if not for the herpes. it's been so long since what i liked or wanted to do mattered i honestly have no idea what it is anymore. the plan before i was diagnosed was to work on that. it still is. but finding your chances of having something you very much wanted in your future have gone from reasonable to virtually non-existent tends to bring things to the forefront. as i said to my therapist when she asked "do you *need* a man in your life?" "no, and i don't *need* indoor plumbing either. but i'm going to be pissed as all fucking hell if you tell me i can't have it."

i appreciate the feeble advice, lol, particularly from someone who has dealt with this for so long. and it's good feeble advice. i'm finding though that choosing to go on with ones life does not preclude being overwhelmed by loss sometimes. i should also add that i am trying to quit smoking and it is causing some fairly horrific mood swings. shockingly, that's not helping.

in any case it's good to be reminded of things. thank you.

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