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Don't Know Anymore...

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Don't know what to do or think any more.

Guess I need to explain a little before I get to what the problem is now. I'll try not to go overboard on explaining every little thing.

First child at 20. Father of child was abusive in every way & though he never laid a hand on our child she witnessed things no child should ever have to see.

When she was 3 we moved in w/ a HS friend of mine. Eventually he & I started dating. We were together for almost 3 years. Even though I still loved him, I broke up w/ him & I left the state because of problems I was having. To much to go into. We kept in touch for a little while, but it didn't last.

Eventually I got married. Had a 2nd child. My husband died 12/07. Long story there too. It's been hard w/ 2 children & all the other things that come with being a single parent.

Through out the yrs I've searched for my ex. I just wanted to know that he was well. That he was happy. Because I never stopped caring & loving him. Well I found him about 7 months ago. We were talking every night. Sending emails, pictures & w/ both of us getting new laptops... video chat. All was going pritty good. Our only issues were distance, getting him to talk (feeling and such :)) & trying to figure out how to make it all work eventually.

Then on 10/20/09 he was diagnosed w/ GHSV-2. His reaction at 1st was to avoid me. He couldn't believe it had happened to him. And well those of you w/ ghsv-2 would better know & understand what he went through & is still going through. His next reaction was to break up w/ me. He feared passing it to myself & my children. I begged him not to. To think things through. To please not throw our future away. He asked me to think things through too.

We've both been doing research, talking to our doctors. And even though we've yet to be together, I went & got tested. Positive for OHSV-1. I'm thinking I got it from my late husband. Parting gift I guess. But that's another issue.

Boyfriend & I don't talk every night anymore. I'm trying not to push, so I keep my emails short. I Love You... I Miss You... I Need You... Always, Forever & Beyond. I tell him I hope to hear from him soon. But afraid to push & lose him.

He's getting worse case scenerios from his doc. Things that rarely happen or have never even been documented as being true. My doc says if we're careful we'll lessen the chances of me getting it. Chances of my children getting it are nil unless someones doing something he shouldn't be doing in the first place. To be sure the info I've gotten here & elsewhere are true, I called the CDC. I'm not scared to be w/ him. I'm not scared for my children. I want the future we dreamed of.

We chatted on Wed, he was running a fever & having reaction to the meds the doc gave him. He said he'd be on on Fri (he's been doing overtime for almost 2 weeks/avoiding me too?)... he didn't show. It's Mon now & I still haven't heard from him. Left him 2 emails... no reply.

So I spend the day smiling for my children & crying at night. I read everything I can get my hands on about H. Some days I can't eat. I feel so numb most of the time. I can't breath. I try to act like everything is ok for my children. But I've scared my 9 yr old by breaking down in tears. She cares about him too & doesn't understand why we don't chat every night anymore. Why she can't talk to him either. And through it all I keep thinking about him. Is he ok? What's he doing right now? Is Valtrex helping him now, or did he have to switch meds? His doc said he's probably a carrier because he's not had an OB. Has that changed & he's having one now? I feel like I should be doing something. I feel powerless.

I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do. I guess I just needed to get my thoughts out.

Thanks all for listenting.

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The problem here is obviously your boyfriend's inability to come to terms with his diagnosis. It has completely destroyed his peace of mind, and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to you.

His are the worst possible psychological effects of HSV2. Other members on here have also stated their unwillingness to expose another partner lest it destroy them too. I'd like to reiterate what a giving person you are, Xanatea; I don't think most people would risk putting themselves in our position if your boyfriend were the only example they saw of an HSV2 carrier.

As for advice, I think you should just give him time. He knows you're there for him. Hopefully, he will come around.

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