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justaman

help with some advice

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justaman

ive had herpes for a while now, and learned to somewhat lived with it. i have been running away from relationships for a long time and it has backfired because girls get more drawn to me, thinking that i just dont want to be with them because i am too good or something, while it is the total opposite. anyway, i met a girl that i really like and we hang out a couple of times. everything was great until the other night, we were hooking up for the first time and i thought nothing beyond maybe a handjob was going to happen. i was trying to make it stay like that and it was working, but then, when i was about to cum she leaned over and begun to give me a blowjob. i dont know what to do, because, although i wasnt having an outbreak and i take medicine everyday, i am terrified that she is going to get it. she is a very sweet innocent girl and the gilt has me at the verge of suicide. i know it is not the worse thing in the world, but at times it feels like it. i just wish i could meet people who didnt think herpes was the dirtiest thing in the world, and everyone around seem to think so. anyway, i dont know what to do with this girl, or with life for that matter, so if anyone can help, i would be eternally thankful.

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LAK

ok, i'm new to this, new to here. i can't say i've learned to live with it myself yet. that being the case, feel free to ignore the advice, tell me to piss off, whatever. but since you asked.......

first, you need to tell her. be honest. it sounds as though you were caught up in the moment and i can understand that. in her shoes i'd be looking for a *big* apology and a *brief* explanation as to why it happened. in your shoes, and especially since it sounds like you really like this girl, i'd offer to go with her to get tested and to pay for it if need be. we all screw up and make mistakes we can't change. the best we can do is to try to make things as right as we can afterward.

second, learn from this. don't wait until the hook-up to tell someone. i haven't had to do this yet and i break down crying every time i even think about having to tell someone, but obviously in the middle of things doesn't work. equally obviously it makes you feel like shit later.

it will be difficult to do but you'll feel a lot better about yourself for taking responsibility for your mistake and doing your best to make things right. that one you can trust me on. i may be new to living with herpes but i am an *expert* at fucking up and then having to fix it. so that's my advice, do your best to fix things and learn from it. it's all any of us can do.

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JBnATL

You need to tell her

I have given the 'talk' many times and have never been rejected.

Start out by asking her if she has ever had a cold sore. Chances are she will say 'yes', then tell her you get cold sores down there. If she says 'no' say the same thing. Try and get her to associate it with something she does not think is so bad, cold sores.

I think you would be surprised on how many people out there don't really think this is a bad thing.

Good luck!

JB

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MissHope

Hey welcome, you've come to the right place to find people who don't think herpes is the worst thing in the world!

Firstly, break this down into smaller pieces to work out what's troubling you the most. Start with baby steps and you'll get through this....

The first thing is that you feel guilty about passing it on to her. Sounds to me that the chances may be very small that she could catch this - you weren't having an OB and you are on the meds. So check that off the list.

Next, you are worried about telling her. If you are going to see her again and want to continue down this path with her, then yes, you do need to tell her. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

If she cares about you, then she will be thankful. And we all hope that she will be accepting.

When you do have the talk, be calm, be informed and don't act as if this is a horrible, disgusting thing. Explain that it is just a skin condition, a cold sore. That you have it under control, that you take meds and that with protection and vigilance, you can still have a healthy sex life.

Finally, remind yourself that this doesn't define you. Remind yourself and her that you are still a funny, smart, interesting bloke capable of loving and having great relationships.

And try not to stress. Stress is not our friend. Self love and acceptance are. Don't let this thing beat you. You are better than a silly virus. We all are.

Take care and let us know how you go.... we're here to talk and support.

Good luck.

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LAK

mmmm, i have to disagree with MissHope on one point. i absolutely believe you need to tell her regardless of whether you wish to "continue on this path". the risk that you have passed it on may be small but it is still there. i don't believe it is fair to her or to anyone else she may come into contact with not to tell her. i just don't believe, "oh, it's probably ok" is good enough when it comes to potentially passing this on.

this is definitely colored by my own experience. my ex gave it to me knowingly and very obviously never planned to tell me. my symptoms are very mild. i'd never have known had i not discovered that he was cheating and gotten tested. i am *still* furious that he would have had me passing this on to others unknowingly. like you i would have felt so unbelievably horrible about having "shared" this, even if i hadn't known i was doing it.

i have known several women who got pregnant while on birth control they took religiously, men who have gotten their partners pregnant following a vasectomy. the risk on these things is small indeed. but it absolutely happens. whatever the odds, this girl has been put at risk. odds are only odds, not guarantees. i know that i would be livid if someone else decided to risk my health and my future by deciding that the odds were a good enough reason to blow off telling me.

so, my two cents on that.

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LostInLove

I agree completely with LAK. The guy I'm seeing told me 4 days after we met. He was informed and spoke about it in such a way that it made it very comfortable to discuss and ask questions. Had the relationship gone any further without him having told me, I personally would have been angry. It's not fair to knowingly put someone else at risk just because you were too scared to talk about it. Keep in mind I don't have gh, four days after we met he told me and I'm still with him.

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Monet107

I have a question, and you all may call me ignorant. But I have a friend who was just diagnosed with herpes today. Well she explained some of her symptoms to the doctor, per the doctor she has had her first outbreak. But last weekend we took a girls trip and we all were in the hot tub (not knowing) that she possibly has herpes. I just want to know if it is possible for a person to get herpes in the hot tub. Please help!!!! I am freaking out here.

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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    • Atrapasueños
      Hola chicos recibí mis resultados de mi cultivo de mis brotes en hombros y cuello y dio positivo me siento mal aunque ya sospechaba me niego a pensar que este virus es inofensivo ahora no sólo tengo que lidiar con mis brotes en mi cara o genitales también los que aparecen en mis hombros y cuello sólo les deseo lo mejor y cuiden mucho su cuerpo __________________________  Hi guys I got my results of my culture of my shoots on shoulders and neck and gave positive I feel bad even though I already suspected I refuse to think that this virus is harmless now not only do I have to deal with my outbreaks on my face or genitals also those that appear on my shoulders and neck I only wish you the best and take good care of your body
    • IcantThinkofaName
      I agree completely with @Dutchy and what she said. You are always going to think about this. Its best to get a conclusive answer if you can. I am not sure it is herpes. Sorry to ask, but: Is there any chance you could have been sexually assaulted at a young age and not remember? or  Were you  ever a wrestler or Boxer ? Those are the only two instances I can think of that would cause HSV 2 if you haven't had sexual contact  Chances are high that you don't have it. And, if it turns out to be HSV1 , you already have that , so no worries there either. I have had 2 Drs say a bacterial infection on my face was HSV1 . I have never had HSV1, My IGG tests results have always been negative too for HSV1 in the past and present too. ( It was really a bacterial infection, I had had an injection and was touching the area a lot and I infected it with my dirty hands. I then went to a infectious disease specialist who told me looked  bacterial not viral).  I did sadly get infected with Hsv2 almost 2 years ago now ( 1 year after the facial bacterial infection) and it was intense and severe. If I had had HSV1 my outbreak would have been less severe from what I understand. My Hsv 1 IGG tests are STILL negative. Those drs were wrong. Maybe yours are too. And if it is from a wetsuit, then people need to know that its a possible risk.  I truly wish your results to be negative.  You deserve peace. Best wishes to you.
    • IcantThinkofaName
      @Rain and Ashes get a blood test, don't go by visual diagnosis, esp. if you  are a virgin and haven't had sexual contact. It could be  a staph infection or somethign else Drs misdiagnose things all the time. Its terrible and unprofessional of them to refuse to do the bloodwork, and to only visually diagnose if you haven't had sex.  If its a privacy issue or not wanting it on your records, then  maybe go to an anonymous place and pay out of pocket. And if it is indeed HSV2, and you got it from a wetsuit, then there is a lot we don't know about this virus and your story needs to be shared, if it is indeed true. Best of Luck to you!
    • Ashleerae
      I totally see where you're coming from. Having herpes made me feel like the biggest piece of shit I could be, thought it would be nice to kill myself and not have to deal with it, but not a serious thought, just a fantasy.  I was diagnosed over 3 years ago with genital HSV-2. I can't be 100%, but I think I got it from my ex. Over the last 2 years, I've been hitting personal development hard and trying to get totally comfortable with myself for everything I am, including herpes. I've improved things about myself that I've struggled with my entire life and I won't stop striving to be the real me, not take everything in life so hard or seriously, and be somebody I could respect. I've become more confident, which I've never been. Now I see herpes as a little bit of a blessing (haha crazy), but without this, I may have never confronted my issues with myself and changed it. I am more empathic to myself and to other people rather than being self-centered and shallow like I was sometimes. Herpes forced me to love myself and become more resilient. I'm telling you this because it's normal to beat yourself up over this and feel ashamed, but fuck it. Don't feel ashamed. Own it and get so comfortable with it that nobody's opinion could sway your feelings about yourself. I don't mean tell everyone unless you want to. I've told my immediate family and 4 friends recently and they were all very receptive and said it's not a big deal - these are people I trust. And for some of us, we know it's not as big of a deal physically as we imagined it would be before we contracted it or during the worst outbreak(s) - for me it was emotionally destructive because I let it get to me. Let me tell you my first disclosure story.  A month and a half ago, I got drunk and was talking to this guy, a friend of a friend. We hit it off and were having fun. We got pretty drunk and hooked up and I didn't tell him. Wanna know how I felt after that? Anxious, fucking horrible, like a terrible person. And I'm not judging others here, but I judged myself hard because I felt like I had hurt someone. This was eating me alive. I was going to tell him the next day and then he was out with friends so I didn't want to ruin his night. Two days later I talked to him and asked him to call me (live in different cities). I had practiced how I was going to say this over and over. I told him we got a little carried away and asked if we used a condom (couldn't remember), we didn't. I apologized and told him my status and that I'm on repressive meds so it doesn't surface, but it's still possible that it would. I was expecting him to lash out, call me names, tell our mutual friends and all of his own friends, which would be his right. I was lucky and I didn't feel like I deserved his actual response due to the situation of not disclosing before anything happened. He said, "It's okay. I'll make a doctor's appointment to get tested and get on meds if I need to. It sounds like you've been beating yourself up about this, so stop doing that. It's fine. I had a condom in my bag that I found the next day, I should have used it. Really, don't worry." Seriously, this is how the conversation went. He tested negative and is going to test again in 6 months. And we've been talking for the last month and a half since, he told me he's glad he met me and had fun, and he's coming to visit for a weekend in October. I talked to our mutual friend, who one of my best friends that I trust; I told her after I told him and confirmed he hasn't told anyone else about my status (I asked him not to unless he does have it, then he can say whatever he wants).  The reason I'm telling you this is because I've learned an incredibly important lesson from this. I know that not disclosing is against my moral code and I don't want to give this to anyone without giving them the choice first because I wasn't given the option and it destroyed me for awhile. Condoms don't guarantee it won't be passed on. If I want to feel good about the person I am, this is a conversation I have to have with anyone I'm going to have any sexual contact with.  I also know I was lucky with this guy being so kind. He didn't have to be that way. This taught me a valuable lesson too. Choose wisely who I want in my life and who I trust. I'm not worried anymore what other people think of me; what do I think of them? If somebody says no after disclosing, that is their right and it has no bearing on me, it's not a diss. They don't want herpes and neither did I; maybe there could be a friendship there instead. Some people don't see this as a deal breaker though and I know I don't feel bad about myself for telling somebody the truth and giving them the option. I'm not proud about not disclosing first, but I made it right and know that's how I will handle it from now on.  I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do either. This was my experience and this is just what I learned. 
    • PhilFletch
      Thanks for the post! We appreciate it can sometimes be difficult to talk about the subject or even to go and see your GP about it. Thankfully theres lots of online companies now that do an online consultation to get your herpes meds delivered in the post. Have a look at PostMyMeds Ltd, https://postmymeds.co.uk
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