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So..............what to do now?

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Hi all,

i dont know where to start really......maybe if i just tell you my story & someone could give me their opinion on maybe what they would do next that would be great, my head really isnt in the right place at the moment and am finding it difficult to think straight.

i'm a 27 yr old male and have been in a serious relationship for coming up to 3 years next month. Maybe around 18 months ago i noticed somethin going on down there...............

it was like a small patch of redness with what looked like that start of an outbreak of spots, shortly after that they would form into yellow head type spots. Very irratating, itchy and annoying..........after some days they would burst, scab over an heal......this took around 2 weeks or so.

obviously, i was concerned i showed my partner and she claimed not to know what it was....i looked on the internet at loads of different things and completely ruled out herpes simply because most of the photo's i saw of male genital herpes were actually on the penis, either the tip or the shaft, i wanted to diagnose myself as i found the thought of going to the doctor abit embarrasing really.

after hours of research and kind of concluded that I suffered from something called folliculitis which is infected hair follicules, for a number of reasons i wont go into.

So for the last 18 months or so i would get an outbreak of what i thought was "folliculitis" i would simply apply antiseptic cream which would slightly sooth the irritation and it would clear up within 10 days or so

the outbreak would always be in my pubic region and was around one area. Until recently i felt abit run down, flu like symptoms and spent a few days in bed, i had an outbreak of blisters right at the base of my penis, again very irratating, itchy....i felt as though i couldnt carry on like it anymore and went to see my GP.

I told him that I thought i was suffering from folliculitis and explained the symptoms. I shown him the outbreak and his reaction was a little disturbing. I could tell he wanted to tell me it was Herpes but was concerned about my relationship status. He asked was I single, how long i had been with her for? Do i sleep around? Do i have any reason to believe she maybe involved with someone else? Not to make any accusations and things like that, he said that he would treat it as folliculitis but to return to him if it came back?

I told my partner that night and thats when she confessed, she actually decided to then tell me that she contracted herpes "11" years ago when she was 18.

For some reason, even though she knew that i could have potentially been suffering, for months, she kept this from me and never told me or even hinted.

I'm concerned because wouldnt i have contracted this virus sooner if she contracted it before we met?

I cant explain how i feel about this i'm devastated.......i feel like its a burden that I now have to live with and adapt to for the rest of my life. I'm rackin my brains askin myself what i've done to deserve this or to be put in this position.

Dont get me wrong she seemed upset and couldnt apologise enough, but her attitude towards it was as if its not a big deal and you can live a normal life with the problem?

Although i havent had a GP totally confirm that it is herpes which i will be doing in the very very near future, i've had it practically confirmed.

Living with herpes isnt really my first problem its how i've acquired the virus thats my major problem, its that fact the this person "claims" to have had this problem well before they met me, knowing that there would be the risk of passing it on to me yet did absoloutely nothing to prevent it........can this be right? I asked her is she'd slept with anyone else during our relationship and I got the predicted no, but can i believe that?

this person has kept this secret from me for god knows how long, do i really expect her to now come out an tell me she's been sleeping around too?

since this i now have a "dont care" attitude towards everything, its effecting my relationships with other people, my job, my appearence has suffered. i feel angry, stressed and worthless, i dont want to go anywhere or do anythin.

i dont feel like i can go out an meet new women because i know as a human being who has morals. I have an obligation to let anyone i might become involved with know the risk....

i really dont know where to start in order to get things back on track

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sun seeker

Hey Rounder,

Im sorry this has been you'r experience, its hard enough to deal with the shock of having herpes without the added hurt and disapointment of your partners lack of honesty.

Its small wonder that you'r head is spinning.. I wonder if it would be possible for you to seperate the two issues a little and try to work out how you feel about each one individualy.

Herpes is not life threatening or life shortening but it is somewhat life changing.

Educating yourself about the virus can be very helpful, there are some good links to the right of this page..

Have a wander round on the message board and see how others are dealing with it and what they find helpful when thier experiencing a outbreak.

Erm... as for your partner... well only you can decide what to do there..

Good luck....

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Rounder, all I can say is ouch!!! I'm sorry for what you are going through.... and I'm sorry for the circumstances in which you found out.

Firstly, go and get tested. It's great your doctor didn't want to make accusations, but with the way this thing is spreading, he should've tested you anyway (grrrr, doctors and their way of 'treating' this annoys me, but that's a whole other post!). Please get the test as soon as you are able, and then at least you will know for sure. And that's one thing you can cross off the list of things worrying you.

Secondly, if you don't really have any basis for thinking your girl has cheated on you, then cross that off too.

From the sounds of things, she's had this for 11 years and has just dealt with it. It was very, very wrong of her to not disclose, but even worse, for not protecting you from catching this. In my book, that would be pretty unforgiveable, but if you love her, then I can't judge.

My guess is that she has learnt to live with this, and doesn't see it as a big deal. In fact, it was such a small deal to her that she didn't even tell you she had this.

You need to talk to her and ask more questions of her. Don't be mad, anger won't get her to open up and be honest. If she cares about you, she will remember how she felt when she was diagnosed and should show you some sympathy and understanding.

And as for whether you would've contracted this earlier, well if she didn't sleep with you during an outbreak in the past and wasn't shedding, then the virus may not have been transmitted. However, if recently you had sex around an OB, or if she was shedding, then yes, you could've picked it up. Or if you had open skin (from shaving, friction etc) then it could've got in that way [i could be wrong here, so please read more to the right there, or someone correct me].

As to whether you did anything to deserve this.... no you didn't. None of us here have done anything to deserve this. But, if you do have this, then acceptance is the first step to surviving. And yes, you will meet people that will accept you with this virus. You've already met some of us here and we all accept you! And that's a great start! I promise you will meet people in real life that do too.

As Sun Seeker says, educate yourself. And separate the issues and work on one thing at a time. Get tested, get informed, get support.

Then work on your relationship with your GF. I can't tell you which way to go - stay or leave. Only you can know this, but talk to her. Discuss this thing out in the open, honestly, without judgement.

Its going to take time to work through this, but you will come out the other side. You will survive. This is just a silly virus, it won't kill you.

Good luck, I wish you all the best. Keep checking in here - we're here to help and we know what you are going through.

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Learn all you can about this virus

The more you know the more you will realize that for the most part, this is a common, harmless virus.

Just because you have it does not automatically mean the next person you sleep with will get it. It took you 3 years to get it from her.

Good luck!


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