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My first time giving 'the talk'

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Hi, I m new on this forum, although i ve been reading you guys for months now.

I ve been diagnosed with genital h 7 months ago, and i ve been coping ok with it, until now. I met this great great guy, but it is a long distance relationship. We used to talk like..5 hours a day on the internet or on the phone and we were confiding our most intimate things. He s so smart and mature..Well he was supposed to come see me again next week and i decided to tell him everything, in order 4 him to make a 100% ""aware of "decision. So i had been reading a lot of posts about how to tell, with tips and tricks and everything:) and all of a sudden i told him. I actually thought it sounded ok( the huge percentage of population who is a carrier, low risk of him getting it, the fact i don t have outbreaks, but it can still be transmitted..the fact that it s not who i am bla bla). He seemed surprised, but ok with it. we actually talked more that day,but not about this, about anything else:) But the next day..everything was..colder. And now he wouldn t even text me back. I know it s my first disappointment of many who will come. It even makes you wonder for a second..if you should tell or not..Will it ever feel better? Will anybody take the change of getting an incurable std just for the sake of being with me? rejection is a b*tch, especially for those who used to have everything(all the attention and appreciation of others)

What makes me feel better though is that H helps me avoid relationships with guys who only want me for a night. I guess that,if someday a guy would say it s ok, he actually does care..

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Give this guy some time

Hopefully he is off trying to educate himself about this. Information is key to any relationship. The more he knows the more he will see that this, for the most part, is a common, harmless virus. Send him a link to this website. The more he knows the better for you.

And you should tell everyone you are about to become intimate with. I have given the 'talk' many times and have never been rejected.

Good luck!


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Oh, and one more thing

One thing I found out helps you through rejection is..acceptance. Which can come from..whoever u want. For example, I told my mom, my grandma and my 18 year old bro. Well..i found out my sweet granny has it too:))) but she always thought it was some rash from tampons or detergent. And with my brother..oh my god, it s great. we always laugh about it, making it such a small unimportant thing. he even made me listen that' i just gave u herpes' song(after that Rihanna song) and we danced on it, when i was feeling low. It s actually not such a awful thing. And giving somebody 'the talk' just made me feel such a 'good ', concerned,responsible person.:)) Cuz you now what?his rejection is nothing compared to the guilt and shame felt before doing it. It s actually a relief.

thank you guys for existing, for being who you are, and for making me feel better every time i read your posts:*

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Well of course you do still have to tell first before risk. How soon you tell is a personal decision, and has a lot to do with your interest in the other person, and your comfort with who they are, will they blab, and so on.

I heard a phrase once that men are dogs. And well this is often true. It is not always our fault. The body craves like mad. But the guys that are just lusting after you, and everything else is a game to get you, are the ones you want to avoid. You don't even have to kiss a lot of frogs, but you do need to examine and "mentally" dissect a lot of frogs.

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Snowfairy, first up, congratulations on having your 'first'. It was brave of you to tell, and it sounds like you did a good job of it. I just had to have mine the other week and it was awful, but like you, I learnt a lot. And I'm glad to have it out of the way. Now I know that I'd do it differently and that's the most valuable lesson learnt.

Secondly, give your chap some time. He's probably just digesting and learning. Did he know anything about the virus when you told him? The guy I told didn't even know what it was!!!! If he didn't, then he may need extra time. As JB said, send him a link to this site.... it's a great one for education and I find it to be sympathatic to us folk.

Also remind yourself that long distance relationships have their own problems. You can't be there there to tell him face to face. You don't have that personal, intimate connection you would have if you hung out more.

You did the right thing in telling. Not just morally, but if he doesn't want you after this, then he's not the guy for you. You've learnt the hard way, but better now, than down the track. And better to have this out then to have held it in and told him in the heat of the moment.

And yes, people will want you despite having an STD. It wouldn't have stopped me before my diagnosis, and I like to think (and hope) that there are others out there like me.

Good luck to you. Be proud of yourself and keep on pursuing frogs!!! I know I will.... this thing aint stopping me!

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Oh yes, one day you will meet someone who will want to be with you despite this annoying little virus, trust me. Herpes may be an incurable STD, but it is not serious, or life-threatening. It is very common too, so you are not alone, nor some kind of freak for having it.

The stigma thing about it really annoys me though! Before I got genital herpes, I used to suffer from the occasional (like once a year) coldsore, usually when I had a cold or was run down - I had these since I was a teenager, and before I was sexually active. I never disclosed this to anyone before I dated them, and if I did get a coldsore when I was with someone, I used to tell them "no kissing until it heals" and none of them ran away screaming. I cannot see how this is different really. BUT! Because of the stigma of GH being sexually transmitted, I always tell before sleeping with someone. I like to give them the option I was not given by the man who "gifted" this virus to me.

And this guy of yours - well, I am of the opinon he could at least reply to a text message, after how brave you have been telling him. Even if it was just a "sorry, I need to think things through", or "sorry, I cannot deal with this". But heck, I suppose everyone deals differently.

You were just unlucky that the first person you told freaked out. But honestly, it won't always be this way. Don't allow his reaction to temper your feelings of having the virus. It is not a big deal, but once we have it, we have to proceed with caution, and show respect to others feelings, without allowing them to disrespect us or erode our own sense of self-confidence.

Onwards and upwards my girl!

Soraya1 x

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Oh guys, thank you so much for your support. It helps so much! And you were kind of right..he called me today, acting like i never told him anything. Freaking bipolar:)). i know there s gonna be some extra talking to do, but i m happy he didn t totally freak out. there might still be hope..

It s so strange that there are days when i forget about having H, feeling all normal again..and days (without any signs of an OB) where i just look at couples on the street..thinking:I m sure she doesn t have it, that s why he loves her. She s normal..:(

I want to ask you guys something, though. How was the first time you had sex with a new partner, after being diagnosed?Cuz i m really scared i might pass it to him from our first night. That would suck too much. I don t have any sores..but I know that doesn t mean i can t give it. even with condoms, isn t it impossible(for a guy) not to touch a girl' s genital area during intercourse?(even for a few seconds). So..having all these in mind..how could you relax?How could your partner?

Thank you again :*

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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  • Posts

    • TCBH
      You don't put it down there. you put it on your arm. 
    • luvurself16
      I got hsv from a police officer. Sickos out there.
    • Toro
      I am 44 and I have active herpes in both of my eyes.Only Amenalief helps.
    • Jayne
      I know this thread is a couple of years old, but it’s been helpful to me, and I wanted to contribute as well. Back to Berliner’s original post, I’ve tested negative on several IGGs, with the latest ones being 1 yr and now almost 2 years past exposure.  Figuring out what was going on was the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through in my life. I made the mistake of drinking heavily a week after my father died of cancer, and I had unprotected AS with an ex, who happened to be poly and had some occasional unprotected M2M encounters.   Three days later I had a red line rash along my (sorry to get explicit) crack. This was followed by a rectal burning. Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. After the procedure though, I felt much better for a while, possibly due to digestive issues clearing up after the colon “cleanse.” But this was concurrent with other issues.   About 3 weeks after the encounter I developed a large rash on my left thigh. Shortly thereafter I started having light sensitivity issues, culminating in a fever-like state after being outside in the sun only for 15 minutes after work. At work around that time for a couple days I felt like I was going through life encased in a gauzy gel- similar to being on laughing gas at the dentist, but not in a good way. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I developed a severe case of canker sores for about a day. Later during a sunny drive, after getting back in the car at a gas station I noticed a red blotch below my lip. I tried to shrug it off but it happened again on the trip back.  So by about a month after the encounter I was having more anxiety. I spent the night at a friend’s house and woke up with a massive, swollen red eye and swollen lips. I got eye drops for bacterial conjunctivitis but that was wishful thinking.  A couple of weeks later, my lips were covered in sores. I smothered them with abreva. By the next day, they had mostly gone away. I tried to do a swab test at urgent care (I believe it was the next day), but there was not enough there to make any sort of positive diagnosis. Since then, I’ve had what you could call repeated aborted lesions and red blotches that appear around my mouth, particularly after stress and alcohol consumption. But even having peanut butter or chocolate would set it off for a long time. Fair skin doesn’t help- there was no hiding it. Two months after the encounter, I had my first vaginal burning- it was pretty intense and I had to use ice cubes because I didn’t know what else to do.   The worse feeling though was the periodic flare-ups of rectal itching/burning, often accompanied by another red line rash. It made sitting uncomfortable for about the next two months. I couldn’t wear pants at work- only skirts seemed to make things somewhat less irritated. And for the first three months, I was still testing for HIV along with HSV because of the overlapping symptoms (rash, diarrhea, neural pain, severe flu like symptoms without fever). I lost a lot of weight and had panic attacks. On top of all this I had just moved to a new city and started a new job and didn’t have a support network. And the sad thing is, I had to deal with all of this instead of being able to grieve for my father and being a better source of support to my mother. She had to support me without understanding what was happening.   Another bad thing through all of this was having both my ex and my current partner treat me like I’m crazy. That makes me feel alone and in the dark. Another “hysterical woman.” F*** that.  And while I felt grateful that my current was at the time still ready to be with me even if I had hsv, it’s a little discomfiting that he still doesn’t really believe me. But I’ve learned to live with ambiguity. And now I’m used to doctors as well as partners acting like this is nonexistent. Especially with negative IGG tests even 2 years later, which have left me without any answers.  I’m lucky in a way to be able to blend in because I don’t get obvious sores, genitally or orally (I can cover up the blotches with concealer, and they fortunately have lessened in frequency). But I still get the rectal itching/burning every six months or so (anthistamines seem to alleviate it a bit). And as more of a concern, I’ve had a cramp in my lower right quadrant ever since, which feels like it’s in my digestive tract. Since this has pretty much spread everywhere else in my body, intestinal involvement wouldn’t surprise me, and it isn’t unheard of anyways. I’ve tried to move past this and have since gotten married to my partner, who is a source of support (even if he doesn’t believe I’m having health problems. I know that’s a contradiction but occasionally I want to believe that too.).  I’m also newly pregnant, and symptoms have started to flare up again somewhat. I’m sure this will be an adventure. Hopefully more good than crazy. I know I’m going to struggle with the fear of passing this along but I’m trying to reconcile what doctors say (which is that it is extremely rare) with my own intuition about what I need to be careful of. Maybe I’ll repost with an update down the road. In short, there are people out there who test negative and have to live with loved ones and doctors thinking that a negative test closes the book on this. Again, learning to live with ambiguity is a real life lesson that I’m still coming to grips with. This forum and specifically this post have been a source of comfort that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere. Thanks everyone for the support for the community.     
    • Rockster
      You deepthroat so good that you get all kinds of mouth-to-skin-of-base contact? Kudos to you, but that is extremely rare. 

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