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The Problem I have

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The main problem I have is how unreal the support group is.

We all focus on the future. We'll never get a husband/wife because we have herpes. Well what about now?!

What about the moments I spend crying myself to sleep because no one understands but some complete strangers online who don't even know me?!

Maybe I'm harsh, but I'm right. You don't me. I've spent my whole life doing the right thing. Dating the right people. Graduating Valedictorian. Making a 4.0 GPA in college. On the fast track to a PhD. && everyone around me is sooo jealous but they do NOT go home to an empty cold bed. To deep secrets.

To being soooo horny and shit no way to deal with it. Its beyond myself to have a one night stand && the doctor is trying to convince me I don't have herpes but I know myself better than he does. && I know it. && What?! I call my ex to realize the number's been changed. He no longer wants me after all the fucking lies. && I cry myself to sleep because I'm not good enough. How am I not good enough when I'm simply the best?!

What I wouldn't give to make a few mistakes to live on the bad side?! && Many of you are reading this && saying well you're pretty sure you have HERPES how are you not living on the wrong side?!! Well, because I love someone selfishlessy and faithfully but it wasn't returned. && I'M PUNISHED! Do you understand?! Now I have to tell everyone else how I'm not a ****?!!! Yeah, right!!! I hate it. I'm so depressed tonight. I wanna just die. && everyone is gonna write back about how they understand well YOU DON'T!! This is my battle and my life.. .

&& I have a wonderful support system and a beautiful life but I still go home to an empty bed. I'm almost willing to give up looks and smartness for a companion

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lessons to learn! you appear to have been someone whose focus was always on self self self. We all have our cross to bare, I cried, went through the noone is ever going to touch me thing. When I found out I had to sit as I almost fainted and I mean literally. The doctors told you that you dont have herpes then how have you convinced yourself that you do have it? I believe all of us have had our heart broken but we curl up for a while get it out, uncurl, move on and become a testimony for someone else. Your feelings are justified but imagine what it would have been like had this board not been here. They dont always answer right away but at least you can read.

"I'm almost willing to give up looks and smartness for a companion" very self centered person you appear to be stop feeling like you want to die it is not worth it and I am sure there is someone in your life that loves you and that you can teach something too. I am single and I am willing to stay single because I dont want to face rejection but I will not let this beat me after all because there are people here who are truly suffering if they can have a sunny disposition and allow thier rays to fall on me then I can have the same disposition.

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You may know yourself better

but your doctor knows herpes better.

Even if you do have herpes, it is not the end of the world. I have had it many years and have fallen in/out of love several times. I have had plenty of sex with non h women over they years and have never been rejected.

Come to the "Live Chat" room and you will meet others there who are living with this daily.

Good luck!


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sun seeker

Hi There

If you dont mind me being totally honest and with all due respect, it sounds to me like your having your very own pity party....

It also sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you, you have access to education and you have taken full advantage of it so your certainly not unintelligent...

Herpes is only one section of your life it is neither life threatening or life shortening, maybe you took risks and had unprotected sex, compared to what you could of picked up and be dealing with..... well herpes is'nt so bad!!

As for feeling soooooo horny i wonder if you would be able to try a herpes related dating site..

Im also wondering if you could find it in yourself to confide your deep secret with a close friend or a family member.

someone you trust to be non judgemental..

I have confided in a few people and after the initail jaw drop ive found them to be extreamly supportive and helpful...

Good Luck....

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because i am feeling the same heartbreak, disappointment, dispair...

feel the way you want. let it all out. be angry. be disgusted and cry as much as you want for who you thought you were, for what you had wanted and still want. for that emptiness that surrounds you. sink as low as you can.

just get it all out because this is what your heart is telling you to do right now in preparation for something truer.

with equal fury (whether you believe it or not) and love,


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I'm so depressed tonight. I wanna just die. && everyone is gonna write back about how they understand well YOU DON'T!! This is my battle and my life.. .

&& I have a wonderful support system and a beautiful life but I still go home to an empty bed.

you raise some interesting points. i find the above the most interesting because it addresses issues i haven't seen tackled elsewhere. all of us can understand to some degree how you feel. you are indeed the only one who knows or understands exactly how you feel. we are all alone in that sense. you have a wonderful support system and a beautiful life......and yet......

whether it's herpes, the death of a loved one, a sexual assault, whatever IT is the ugly truth is this: sooner or later we are alone with it. alone in the dark, at 3a.m. and no one to call. and that's when the hinges come off. when our deepest fears and our blackest selves come screaming out from under the bed. last i checked this is never pretty and never easy. nobody there but you and IT, staring you straight in the face.

when you look at what slithers out from under the bed to torment you, you look at exactly what it is you need to address. those things, those problems, those feelings. they are the heart of the matter and they are different for each of us. but sooner or later we all have to deal with 3a.m. and we have to do it alone.

so do what you need to do. vent. scream. rail at the gods or throw things across the room. but look at 3a.m. once you can stare that down and make sense of it the rest will become considerably easier to sort out.

lest you think i've somehow got this all figured out.....i am doing very badly with it myself at present. spending a lot of time railing against the gods. it's never worked before and it won't work now. sooner or later i am going to have to look at the things that have crawled out from the corners of my psyche and find a way to deal with them. i've had to do this before, with things other than herpes, and frankly, it sucks. but it can be done. wish me luck with my monsters of the id, and i'm wishing you the best of luck with yours.

(as an aside: drowning the monsters in alcohol doesn't work. the little fuckers drink like fish.)

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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    • TCBH
      You don't put it down there. you put it on your arm. 
    • luvurself16
      I got hsv from a police officer. Sickos out there.
    • Toro
      I am 44 and I have active herpes in both of my eyes.Only Amenalief helps.
    • Jayne
      I know this thread is a couple of years old, but it’s been helpful to me, and I wanted to contribute as well. Back to Berliner’s original post, I’ve tested negative on several IGGs, with the latest ones being 1 yr and now almost 2 years past exposure.  Figuring out what was going on was the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through in my life. I made the mistake of drinking heavily a week after my father died of cancer, and I had unprotected AS with an ex, who happened to be poly and had some occasional unprotected M2M encounters.   Three days later I had a red line rash along my (sorry to get explicit) crack. This was followed by a rectal burning. Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. After the procedure though, I felt much better for a while, possibly due to digestive issues clearing up after the colon “cleanse.” But this was concurrent with other issues.   About 3 weeks after the encounter I developed a large rash on my left thigh. Shortly thereafter I started having light sensitivity issues, culminating in a fever-like state after being outside in the sun only for 15 minutes after work. At work around that time for a couple days I felt like I was going through life encased in a gauzy gel- similar to being on laughing gas at the dentist, but not in a good way. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I developed a severe case of canker sores for about a day. Later during a sunny drive, after getting back in the car at a gas station I noticed a red blotch below my lip. I tried to shrug it off but it happened again on the trip back.  So by about a month after the encounter I was having more anxiety. I spent the night at a friend’s house and woke up with a massive, swollen red eye and swollen lips. I got eye drops for bacterial conjunctivitis but that was wishful thinking.  A couple of weeks later, my lips were covered in sores. I smothered them with abreva. By the next day, they had mostly gone away. I tried to do a swab test at urgent care (I believe it was the next day), but there was not enough there to make any sort of positive diagnosis. Since then, I’ve had what you could call repeated aborted lesions and red blotches that appear around my mouth, particularly after stress and alcohol consumption. But even having peanut butter or chocolate would set it off for a long time. Fair skin doesn’t help- there was no hiding it. Two months after the encounter, I had my first vaginal burning- it was pretty intense and I had to use ice cubes because I didn’t know what else to do.   The worse feeling though was the periodic flare-ups of rectal itching/burning, often accompanied by another red line rash. It made sitting uncomfortable for about the next two months. I couldn’t wear pants at work- only skirts seemed to make things somewhat less irritated. And for the first three months, I was still testing for HIV along with HSV because of the overlapping symptoms (rash, diarrhea, neural pain, severe flu like symptoms without fever). I lost a lot of weight and had panic attacks. On top of all this I had just moved to a new city and started a new job and didn’t have a support network. And the sad thing is, I had to deal with all of this instead of being able to grieve for my father and being a better source of support to my mother. She had to support me without understanding what was happening.   Another bad thing through all of this was having both my ex and my current partner treat me like I’m crazy. That makes me feel alone and in the dark. Another “hysterical woman.” F*** that.  And while I felt grateful that my current was at the time still ready to be with me even if I had hsv, it’s a little discomfiting that he still doesn’t really believe me. But I’ve learned to live with ambiguity. And now I’m used to doctors as well as partners acting like this is nonexistent. Especially with negative IGG tests even 2 years later, which have left me without any answers.  I’m lucky in a way to be able to blend in because I don’t get obvious sores, genitally or orally (I can cover up the blotches with concealer, and they fortunately have lessened in frequency). But I still get the rectal itching/burning every six months or so (anthistamines seem to alleviate it a bit). And as more of a concern, I’ve had a cramp in my lower right quadrant ever since, which feels like it’s in my digestive tract. Since this has pretty much spread everywhere else in my body, intestinal involvement wouldn’t surprise me, and it isn’t unheard of anyways. I’ve tried to move past this and have since gotten married to my partner, who is a source of support (even if he doesn’t believe I’m having health problems. I know that’s a contradiction but occasionally I want to believe that too.).  I’m also newly pregnant, and symptoms have started to flare up again somewhat. I’m sure this will be an adventure. Hopefully more good than crazy. I know I’m going to struggle with the fear of passing this along but I’m trying to reconcile what doctors say (which is that it is extremely rare) with my own intuition about what I need to be careful of. Maybe I’ll repost with an update down the road. In short, there are people out there who test negative and have to live with loved ones and doctors thinking that a negative test closes the book on this. Again, learning to live with ambiguity is a real life lesson that I’m still coming to grips with. This forum and specifically this post have been a source of comfort that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere. Thanks everyone for the support for the community.     
    • Rockster
      You deepthroat so good that you get all kinds of mouth-to-skin-of-base contact? Kudos to you, but that is extremely rare. 

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