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Esperanza

The Problem I have

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Esperanza

The main problem I have is how unreal the support group is.

We all focus on the future. We'll never get a husband/wife because we have herpes. Well what about now?!

What about the moments I spend crying myself to sleep because no one understands but some complete strangers online who don't even know me?!

Maybe I'm harsh, but I'm right. You don't me. I've spent my whole life doing the right thing. Dating the right people. Graduating Valedictorian. Making a 4.0 GPA in college. On the fast track to a PhD. && everyone around me is sooo jealous but they do NOT go home to an empty cold bed. To deep secrets.

To being soooo horny and shit no way to deal with it. Its beyond myself to have a one night stand && the doctor is trying to convince me I don't have herpes but I know myself better than he does. && I know it. && What?! I call my ex to realize the number's been changed. He no longer wants me after all the fucking lies. && I cry myself to sleep because I'm not good enough. How am I not good enough when I'm simply the best?!

What I wouldn't give to make a few mistakes to live on the bad side?! && Many of you are reading this && saying well you're pretty sure you have HERPES how are you not living on the wrong side?!! Well, because I love someone selfishlessy and faithfully but it wasn't returned. && I'M PUNISHED! Do you understand?! Now I have to tell everyone else how I'm not a ****?!!! Yeah, right!!! I hate it. I'm so depressed tonight. I wanna just die. && everyone is gonna write back about how they understand well YOU DON'T!! This is my battle and my life.. .

&& I have a wonderful support system and a beautiful life but I still go home to an empty bed. I'm almost willing to give up looks and smartness for a companion

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devastatedbythis

wow

lessons to learn! you appear to have been someone whose focus was always on self self self. We all have our cross to bare, I cried, went through the noone is ever going to touch me thing. When I found out I had to sit as I almost fainted and I mean literally. The doctors told you that you dont have herpes then how have you convinced yourself that you do have it? I believe all of us have had our heart broken but we curl up for a while get it out, uncurl, move on and become a testimony for someone else. Your feelings are justified but imagine what it would have been like had this board not been here. They dont always answer right away but at least you can read.

"I'm almost willing to give up looks and smartness for a companion" very self centered person you appear to be stop feeling like you want to die it is not worth it and I am sure there is someone in your life that loves you and that you can teach something too. I am single and I am willing to stay single because I dont want to face rejection but I will not let this beat me after all because there are people here who are truly suffering if they can have a sunny disposition and allow thier rays to fall on me then I can have the same disposition.

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JBnATL

You may know yourself better

but your doctor knows herpes better.

Even if you do have herpes, it is not the end of the world. I have had it many years and have fallen in/out of love several times. I have had plenty of sex with non h women over they years and have never been rejected.

Come to the "Live Chat" room and you will meet others there who are living with this daily.

Good luck!

JB

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sun seeker

Hi There

If you dont mind me being totally honest and with all due respect, it sounds to me like your having your very own pity party....

It also sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you, you have access to education and you have taken full advantage of it so your certainly not unintelligent...

Herpes is only one section of your life it is neither life threatening or life shortening, maybe you took risks and had unprotected sex, compared to what you could of picked up and be dealing with..... well herpes is'nt so bad!!

As for feeling soooooo horny i wonder if you would be able to try a herpes related dating site..

Im also wondering if you could find it in yourself to confide your deep secret with a close friend or a family member.

someone you trust to be non judgemental..

I have confided in a few people and after the initail jaw drop ive found them to be extreamly supportive and helpful...

Good Luck....

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phenomenalandloving

esperanza,

because i am feeling the same heartbreak, disappointment, dispair...

feel the way you want. let it all out. be angry. be disgusted and cry as much as you want for who you thought you were, for what you had wanted and still want. for that emptiness that surrounds you. sink as low as you can.

just get it all out because this is what your heart is telling you to do right now in preparation for something truer.

with equal fury (whether you believe it or not) and love,

-phen

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LAK

I'm so depressed tonight. I wanna just die. && everyone is gonna write back about how they understand well YOU DON'T!! This is my battle and my life.. .

&& I have a wonderful support system and a beautiful life but I still go home to an empty bed.

you raise some interesting points. i find the above the most interesting because it addresses issues i haven't seen tackled elsewhere. all of us can understand to some degree how you feel. you are indeed the only one who knows or understands exactly how you feel. we are all alone in that sense. you have a wonderful support system and a beautiful life......and yet......

whether it's herpes, the death of a loved one, a sexual assault, whatever IT is the ugly truth is this: sooner or later we are alone with it. alone in the dark, at 3a.m. and no one to call. and that's when the hinges come off. when our deepest fears and our blackest selves come screaming out from under the bed. last i checked this is never pretty and never easy. nobody there but you and IT, staring you straight in the face.

when you look at what slithers out from under the bed to torment you, you look at exactly what it is you need to address. those things, those problems, those feelings. they are the heart of the matter and they are different for each of us. but sooner or later we all have to deal with 3a.m. and we have to do it alone.

so do what you need to do. vent. scream. rail at the gods or throw things across the room. but look at 3a.m. once you can stare that down and make sense of it the rest will become considerably easier to sort out.

lest you think i've somehow got this all figured out.....i am doing very badly with it myself at present. spending a lot of time railing against the gods. it's never worked before and it won't work now. sooner or later i am going to have to look at the things that have crawled out from the corners of my psyche and find a way to deal with them. i've had to do this before, with things other than herpes, and frankly, it sucks. but it can be done. wish me luck with my monsters of the id, and i'm wishing you the best of luck with yours.

(as an aside: drowning the monsters in alcohol doesn't work. the little fuckers drink like fish.)

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Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. 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