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Judging myself

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I've been diagnosed with both 1 & 2. I take meds every day for it since I met someone I really like and want to protect. The problem I'm having is how to love myself despite feeling totally flawed beyond repair. I can never be perfect, no matter what I look like on the outside. Inside I know I have this "thing" that will never go away. There is immeasurable shame and self-disapproval. I judge myself harshly as a defense mechanism against anyone who might want to get close to me. I can't seem to approve of myself and love myself to the point of NOT CARING what other people think. I'm constantly looking outside of myself for the approval I COULD and SHOULD be giving to myself, but then when it comes to the need to disclose I am so ashamed I keep my diagnosis to myself, which I know is terrible to do (I don't think I put anyone at risk but I know that nothing is infallible).

Now I've met this amazing guy who I have fallen in love with. I didn't tell him before we slept together but I told him after (the first person I've ever slept with who I told). Understandably he was very upset with me for not saying something in the beginning. Now we have trust issues. We've slept together since and he doesn't seem to be so concerned about the virus anymore, he's more concerned about the fact that I don't think highly enough of myself to NOT CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME so I can JUST BE MYSELF. I don't know who "she" is, it seems.

I've been doing a lot of spiritual work in order to create the life I want to have and the relationship I want to have, but I need to get over this hurdle of self-recrimination and constant feeling of being "dirty". Nothing I do will make it go completely away, but I need to learn to accept myself and my life and appreciate and love who I am. I don't even know where to start.

Where do I start? I had my first cold sore in 1996. Shouldn't I be over this by now?

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You are not flawed

You simply have a common, mostly harmless virus.

You are giving this microorganism too much power over you. Some say 80% of the population has it.

Ask this guy if he has ever had a cold sore, chances are he will say 'yes'. If so he is a member of the 'club' too

Learn as much as you can about this virus. You will see how insignificant it is and how normal you are and have always been.


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Let me get this first sentence over with quickly... not only is it not infallible, but it is not your choice on whether someone else should take the risk.

Where do I start?

Perspective. What it is and what it isn't.

You were attacked years ago by a virus and this happened because you are human. Humans are fun targets for some viruses. For this particular virus our scientists have not come up with a permanent fix. It is not your fault that you got this and forget about the stupid stigma that some idiots of our species think should exist.

Take a look at these posts and many others in the Secret to Success area of the site.





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Oh you poor thing; I have hints occasionally of what you are feeling, so kind of know what you mean. However sounds like you got it bad...it almost ruined a relationship you have.

Did you have any feelings of low self esteem before diagnosis, or is it all related to the virus? Any number of things in our past can bring up these feelings of insecurity and needing to seek approval of others. Self approval is the best weapon a person can have, but I think it is something we all have to work on, and herpes can really knock that.

But ditto to everything MrHonest said. Try and get a little perspective on the virus for starters. If you tell yourself often enough it is not big deal, maybe you can start to believe this. I have genital herpes, and I can tell you now, I am no damaged goods, I am not dirty and nor does it have any bearings on my sexual behaviour. If you think this of yourself, then you think this of me. And I am telling you, there is much more to me than this silly bloody skin condition...think about it.

Also, have you considered speaking to a professional about this? They are there to help people work through these kinds of emotions. The brain is a complex thing; sometimes we need an outsider to help us work out what is wrong, and to give us tips on how to change things. You could see someone, whether it is about dealing with the psychological impact of the virus, or maybe more deep-seated insecurities.

You get one life – do whatever it takes to be happy. It is what we are all aiming for.

Also, read read read posts on here. There are so many positive posts amongst the cries for help, it is inspiring.

You can get through this.

Soraya xx

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