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Xanetea

Finally Angry... But At Who?

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Xanetea

Today I'm ANGRY! 4 wks I've been miserable, scared & alone. I wasn't even the one diagnosed w/ GHSV-2 (never had OB... they tested because of other problems)! My boyfriend was. I don't find out till 5 days later. 5 days of wondering if I said something wrong, did something wrong. Only to notice an attachment to an email where I get a Dear Jane letter. I'm sorry all our plans & dreams aren't going to happen. I have something that won't kill me but that I won't risk passing to you or your children. That was basically it. He said he couldn't even bring himself to type what he had. I wasn't angry, just scared for him. I was hysterical because I couldn't reach him. Finally he logs on to chat. I plead w/ him to tell me what he has. Finally he tells me... herpes. I breathe a sigh of relief. "But Love, that's no reason to break up. We can work this out. Figure out how to be safe. Hell I don't even care if we never have sex again. All that matters is that we're together." Then he starts telling me all the doctor told him. It's in his body fluids (not true). It'll stay outside his body for 4 hours (only in extreme circumstances). You can pass it all the time through shedding (you don't shed 24/7) Dammit, if he has GHSV-2 then how in the hell is he passing it w/ just a handshake or hug? (Not true again) I ask him to take time & think about this. He asks me to do the same. Ok we say. Days till he reaches out to me again. Only to tell me he can't talk long. He told his boss about having GHSV-2 & his boss reported it to his boss. Now he wasn't sure if they were going to switch him to night shift permanently so there was no risk of him passing it to anyone. (Did I miss something here? Where does it say he has to notify his employer about HSV?) He's working overtime for the rest of the wk because if he gets put on nightshift, no more overtime, so he won't be able to chat w/ me. Ok, at least he let me know. Plus I figure he needs time to accept his dx & learn what he can about it. So I take that wk to learn too. After finding out that STD blood test don't include HSV I go & get tested. A wk after finding out his status I find out that I have OHSV-1. I don't think about it much. By now I know how common it is. But I do take precautions w/ my children. Other than that I just keep reading, asking my doctor questions, calling the CDC, posting questions & joining chat. One wk of overtime turns into 2 wks. He contacts me a couple of times & I ask how he's doing. I don't ask all the questions running through my mind because I get that he's having a hard time adjusting. The couple of questions I do ask.. he tells me it's an unpleasant subject. So I say ok & just tell him "I Love You... still yours, still mine". After 2 wks I ask when we'll be able to really talk again. (For 7 months we talked every night) Friday he tells me. No more overtime. He gets to keep working days. He tells me he loves me. Well it's 9 days later & guess what? He never showed. Why don't I just call? Because he dropped his phone in a puddle & hadn't replaced it yet. It didn't matter because we were doing chat & video chat. Why don't I just knock on his door? Because I live in TX & he lives in NY. I get that it's only been a little over a month now. I get that he's misinformed about some things because of his doctor & if you look on the internet you can get misinformation too. But the way he's handling it is to cease all communication from me? I've cried myself to sleep most nights for a month now. When I'm not crying I just feel numb. I just want him to be ok. Dammit it's not going to kill him. I have more of a chance dying because of UC, Surgery for Fibroids & Diabetes. But I'm not pushing him away. I'm not giving up. I even told him of my past. Abuse I went through & other things as well. Explaining why I saw HSV as just a skin condition. Not that I'm downplaying how painful it can be for some. Or the psychological aspects of it either. Hell I'm going through my own 1st OB right now. Thinking some pretty negative things at times too. It's not fun. It hurts. It itches. Heck I don't have to tell any of you what it feels like. We were talking about moving, marriage, trying to conceive in Dec when we spent the holidays together. And now nothing? So yes, I'm ANGRY as hell. Except I don't know who I should be angry at. I'm trying to be understanding. But am I wrong in thinking he's handled this beyond badly? I'm not saying continue talking every night. I understand he needs his space. Though it does make me sad that he's not letting me walk this path w/ him. But an email at least? Just to let me know he's not lying in the hospital or something? So I know he's safe at least? End of this post & I'm not even angry anymore. Just feeling lost and numb again. Holding back the tears because I don't want my little one to see me crying again. Guess this is the end of my rant. Waves.

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regret

wow, yea he is reacting too much..give him time, like at least 6 mo , for him to get used to having it, give him this sight so he can educate himself about the virus..these dam dr.s they dont know anything!!! anyway try to keep the door open, if he doesnt come around then i would move on,, what if he had something really serious? he is not dealing with this problem very well, it shows how he would deal with a crisis down the road, or maybe thier is more to the story than what he is telling you? maybe he actually has something else along with herpes that he cant bring himself to tell you, but to be on the safe side i would get tested for every std out there to be sure...

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WarriorKing

What a rough and rocky road for you.

If he is in turmoil about this and then also says "don't even think about talking to me about it or trying to help me", then you have to at least think about his openness to you.

The only reason he would need to tell his boss about this and get put on a night shift is if it was an airborne virus which it is NOT. This action and a failure to get informed says a little something about him.

"But Love, that's no reason to break up. We can work this out. Figure out how to be safe. Hell I don't even care if we never have sex again. All that matters is that we're together."

What a stellar woman you are to have offered him this.

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gotitsowhat

You're too good for him and

he's too far away from you, anyway. You sound like one terrific woman. And it sounds like his problems go way beyond having herpes although that stupid doctor he had did not help the situation. Tell him to see a doctor who knows something and maybe a good therapist as well. That would the best advice you could give him.

Do your best to find other situations and people to think about or be involved with and, for now at least, forget about this guy. Let him know you will be glad to hear from him any time he wants to contact you but that you are going to get on with your life.

I can easily understand your hurt and angry feelings; you have handled this with a lot of intelligence, knowledge, insight and all around class. And he has handled it like a middle school kid. Give him some time and maybe he will learn more about this stupid little virus. He may also need some time to grow up in general and realize that, in situations like this, he is not the only one who has feelings and emotional needs. So give him time and meanwhile, do yourself a favor and get on with your life.

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Xanetea

Just wanted to say thank you for all your replies, it helped me cope with the distance he put between us. Made me feel like I wasn't alone. And that is the greatest gift you've all given me. I just sent emails every once in a while, just to let him know I was still here for him... for us and that I loved him.

Unfortunately (what an understatement that word is) he broke up with me right before thanksgiving... in an email. I'd love to be able to say I'm handling it well, but does anyone ever really handle their dreams ending or rejection well? :sadfacetoday: Let's just say I'm taking it one day at a time and hoping the pain and numbness goes away.

Thanks again to all of you who replied and those in chat too! :flowers:

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truehappiness

X, i'm so sorry, I had no idea of what you were going thru these past several weeks. I agree, give him space but also, let him know that you are moving on. That might just be what he needs to spark his arse back to reality and the one he loves....YOU!! You are a wonderful woman and don't deserve to be crying yourself to sleep....i'm hoping he comes around and if he doesn't, think about how he would have handled BIGGER issues in life........I know this is BIG but there is worse. YOU and your children are priority.........hopefully he joins you in that venture but if not, you will be a stronger person for this little journey of your life. We are here for you and as always, pm me if you like and also see you in chat!!! thinking of you.......:flowers:

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gotitsowhat

Like I said, you're too good for him

Frankly, even from your first post, I have doubted that he actually had herpes. His profound ignorance (yes, doctors can be dumb about it but this was over the top), and all of the "coincidences" like the supposedly dropped cell phone, all the silences..... The truth is, some guys (and some chicks, too) just don't know how to say goodbye with any class. So they manipulate the situation, hoping that the other party will end it if they are distant and difficult. When that doesn't happen, they break up, usually in whatever is the easiest way for them. Very, very middle school. Some people are just slow to mature. I'll bet if you asked him for proof of his diagnosis, he could not/would not provide it for you.

In any case, it may not feel like it, but I believe there will come a day, probably before spring happens, when you will realize that you are lucky to lose this insensitive, self-involved jerk. Long distance relationships rarely work out because they are just too hard and they never work out when one of the parties lacks mature communication skills. That party is not you! You did things right. You tried to make it work, even long distance. But it takes two to make that happen. I don't think he was even ready for a short distance relationship.

Unfortunately, only time will really help you feel better. But it will, so just hang in there. We all send our support out to you. Feel free to PM me if you need to.

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Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. After the procedure though, I felt much better for a while, possibly due to digestive issues clearing up after the colon “cleanse.” But this was concurrent with other issues.   About 3 weeks after the encounter I developed a large rash on my left thigh. Shortly thereafter I started having light sensitivity issues, culminating in a fever-like state after being outside in the sun only for 15 minutes after work. At work around that time for a couple days I felt like I was going through life encased in a gauzy gel- similar to being on laughing gas at the dentist, but not in a good way. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I developed a severe case of canker sores for about a day. Later during a sunny drive, after getting back in the car at a gas station I noticed a red blotch below my lip. I tried to shrug it off but it happened again on the trip back.  So by about a month after the encounter I was having more anxiety. I spent the night at a friend’s house and woke up with a massive, swollen red eye and swollen lips. I got eye drops for bacterial conjunctivitis but that was wishful thinking.  A couple of weeks later, my lips were covered in sores. I smothered them with abreva. By the next day, they had mostly gone away. I tried to do a swab test at urgent care (I believe it was the next day), but there was not enough there to make any sort of positive diagnosis. Since then, I’ve had what you could call repeated aborted lesions and red blotches that appear around my mouth, particularly after stress and alcohol consumption. But even having peanut butter or chocolate would set it off for a long time. Fair skin doesn’t help- there was no hiding it. Two months after the encounter, I had my first vaginal burning- it was pretty intense and I had to use ice cubes because I didn’t know what else to do.   The worse feeling though was the periodic flare-ups of rectal itching/burning, often accompanied by another red line rash. It made sitting uncomfortable for about the next two months. I couldn’t wear pants at work- only skirts seemed to make things somewhat less irritated. And for the first three months, I was still testing for HIV along with HSV because of the overlapping symptoms (rash, diarrhea, neural pain, severe flu like symptoms without fever). I lost a lot of weight and had panic attacks. On top of all this I had just moved to a new city and started a new job and didn’t have a support network. And the sad thing is, I had to deal with all of this instead of being able to grieve for my father and being a better source of support to my mother. 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And as more of a concern, I’ve had a cramp in my lower right quadrant ever since, which feels like it’s in my digestive tract. Since this has pretty much spread everywhere else in my body, intestinal involvement wouldn’t surprise me, and it isn’t unheard of anyways. I’ve tried to move past this and have since gotten married to my partner, who is a source of support (even if he doesn’t believe I’m having health problems. I know that’s a contradiction but occasionally I want to believe that too.).  I’m also newly pregnant, and symptoms have started to flare up again somewhat. I’m sure this will be an adventure. Hopefully more good than crazy. I know I’m going to struggle with the fear of passing this along but I’m trying to reconcile what doctors say (which is that it is extremely rare) with my own intuition about what I need to be careful of. Maybe I’ll repost with an update down the road. 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