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could use some advice

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Hey all.

So, to start from the beginning, 2 years ago I started dating this girl Chris. 6 months in she tells me that she has herpes. At that point it was sortof in for a penny in for a pound. She was on antiviral meds, hasn't had a breakout in 5 years or so (7ish now unless she had one recently), and I loved her, so I dealt with it.

well, we broke up a few months ago, and now I am really not sure what to do. I haven't had any symptoms (which is good) but I've also avoided sleeping with anyone since we broke up because I really don't want to infect anyone (bad). I can't afford a bloodtest, but eventually I am going to meet someone that I really want to sleep with.

I know that the right thing to do is to just tell them all about it, but explaining on the first few dates how you may or may not have herpes seems like a sure fire way to stay celibate and alone. Any advice would be helpful. At the moment there is a girl Im interested in, but I've really been slow playing the situation, and I don't know how long I can do that and still keep her interest.


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First things first.... you have to get tested. You don't say where you're from, but check out free health clinics in your area. I can't see having "The Talk" with someone when you've had no symptoms and don't know for sure. Personally I would obstain till I knew for sure. But that's just my choice. Good Luck.

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You can be with someone without being infected. It is possible that you do not have it. The only way to know for sure is to be tested -- several months after the last exposure.

As for starting a new relationship prior to be tested. I guess the best thing to do would be to be honest and say that you were with someone that was positive, but it has been X amount of time since you were with her and that you have never had any symptoms but have also NOT had a test to confirm that you are clean.

Good Luck!

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Butterfly of the Moment

I know you said you don't have money but I would save up. There are labs you can go to and get tested and get the results in 3 days or less. At the most it would cost 150. I wouldn't speak too soon especially since you may not have it. If saving up takes time hold off on the sexual intimacy until you can afford testing.

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Hi thedude.

I feel your pain so to speak but consider this...what if you do have this, you dont get tested, you go ahead with this woman and things are going great but you eventually give it to her? Would you tell her at that point that you were concerned you might have it way back when but decided not to get tested?

I understand the money situation, maybe look at it like this...instead of 1, 2 or 3 dates with this woman save that money for the test.

Telling someone is not easy but it also doesn't mean they will be done with you. No doubt some will. I started hanging around with someone back in September but was concerned I had this so I measured things out, in October I found out and told her...she hasn't stopped hanging around - she is concerned and not sure she wants to take the risk which I respect.

My advice is to get tested ASAP, not to tell her until you know the results of the test and not to sleep with her until you know. If the test comes back negative you can consider whether you still share or not and if you do you can say look this happened, i've been tested and am negative. If the test comes out positive I would really encourage you to have the talk before having anything else. I like sex as much as the next guy but I respect my partners more than my sexual appetite.

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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  • Posts

    • TCBH
      You don't put it down there. you put it on your arm. 
    • luvurself16
      I got hsv from a police officer. Sickos out there.
    • Toro
      I am 44 and I have active herpes in both of my eyes.Only Amenalief helps.
    • Jayne
      I know this thread is a couple of years old, but it’s been helpful to me, and I wanted to contribute as well. Back to Berliner’s original post, I’ve tested negative on several IGGs, with the latest ones being 1 yr and now almost 2 years past exposure.  Figuring out what was going on was the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through in my life. I made the mistake of drinking heavily a week after my father died of cancer, and I had unprotected AS with an ex, who happened to be poly and had some occasional unprotected M2M encounters.   Three days later I had a red line rash along my (sorry to get explicit) crack. This was followed by a rectal burning. Tested negative for G&C and related tests.  Over the next couple of weeks I had severe swelling and discomfort in my lower right quadrant and was told to go to the ER, where (I guess as a standard practice) they did a cat scan, which revealed nothing.  Also not a bacterial infection.  However the repeated manual examinations that occurred at urgent care and the ER seemed to relieve the abdominal pressure over the next few days.  I then had diarrhea for the next several weeks after.  I developed what felt like internal hemorrhoids, which were exacerbated by the diarrhea, and a gastro doctor confirmed via digital exam that there was indeed some sort of mass that felt like possible hemorrhoids. He ordered a sigmoidoscopy, but by the time it was undertaken, whatever was there was gone. After the procedure though, I felt much better for a while, possibly due to digestive issues clearing up after the colon “cleanse.” But this was concurrent with other issues.   About 3 weeks after the encounter I developed a large rash on my left thigh. Shortly thereafter I started having light sensitivity issues, culminating in a fever-like state after being outside in the sun only for 15 minutes after work. At work around that time for a couple days I felt like I was going through life encased in a gauzy gel- similar to being on laughing gas at the dentist, but not in a good way. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I developed a severe case of canker sores for about a day. Later during a sunny drive, after getting back in the car at a gas station I noticed a red blotch below my lip. I tried to shrug it off but it happened again on the trip back.  So by about a month after the encounter I was having more anxiety. I spent the night at a friend’s house and woke up with a massive, swollen red eye and swollen lips. I got eye drops for bacterial conjunctivitis but that was wishful thinking.  A couple of weeks later, my lips were covered in sores. I smothered them with abreva. By the next day, they had mostly gone away. I tried to do a swab test at urgent care (I believe it was the next day), but there was not enough there to make any sort of positive diagnosis. Since then, I’ve had what you could call repeated aborted lesions and red blotches that appear around my mouth, particularly after stress and alcohol consumption. But even having peanut butter or chocolate would set it off for a long time. Fair skin doesn’t help- there was no hiding it. Two months after the encounter, I had my first vaginal burning- it was pretty intense and I had to use ice cubes because I didn’t know what else to do.   The worse feeling though was the periodic flare-ups of rectal itching/burning, often accompanied by another red line rash. It made sitting uncomfortable for about the next two months. I couldn’t wear pants at work- only skirts seemed to make things somewhat less irritated. And for the first three months, I was still testing for HIV along with HSV because of the overlapping symptoms (rash, diarrhea, neural pain, severe flu like symptoms without fever). I lost a lot of weight and had panic attacks. On top of all this I had just moved to a new city and started a new job and didn’t have a support network. And the sad thing is, I had to deal with all of this instead of being able to grieve for my father and being a better source of support to my mother. She had to support me without understanding what was happening.   Another bad thing through all of this was having both my ex and my current partner treat me like I’m crazy. That makes me feel alone and in the dark. Another “hysterical woman.” F*** that.  And while I felt grateful that my current was at the time still ready to be with me even if I had hsv, it’s a little discomfiting that he still doesn’t really believe me. But I’ve learned to live with ambiguity. And now I’m used to doctors as well as partners acting like this is nonexistent. Especially with negative IGG tests even 2 years later, which have left me without any answers.  I’m lucky in a way to be able to blend in because I don’t get obvious sores, genitally or orally (I can cover up the blotches with concealer, and they fortunately have lessened in frequency). But I still get the rectal itching/burning every six months or so (anthistamines seem to alleviate it a bit). And as more of a concern, I’ve had a cramp in my lower right quadrant ever since, which feels like it’s in my digestive tract. Since this has pretty much spread everywhere else in my body, intestinal involvement wouldn’t surprise me, and it isn’t unheard of anyways. I’ve tried to move past this and have since gotten married to my partner, who is a source of support (even if he doesn’t believe I’m having health problems. I know that’s a contradiction but occasionally I want to believe that too.).  I’m also newly pregnant, and symptoms have started to flare up again somewhat. I’m sure this will be an adventure. Hopefully more good than crazy. I know I’m going to struggle with the fear of passing this along but I’m trying to reconcile what doctors say (which is that it is extremely rare) with my own intuition about what I need to be careful of. Maybe I’ll repost with an update down the road. In short, there are people out there who test negative and have to live with loved ones and doctors thinking that a negative test closes the book on this. Again, learning to live with ambiguity is a real life lesson that I’m still coming to grips with. This forum and specifically this post have been a source of comfort that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere. Thanks everyone for the support for the community.     
    • Rockster
      You deepthroat so good that you get all kinds of mouth-to-skin-of-base contact? Kudos to you, but that is extremely rare. 

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