"The Talk" went well... then crashed and burned

[singleladybug 0]

Reading stories of how others have approached the talk really helped motivate me to do it myself. My story doesn't have a happy ending, but I want to tell it anyway, in case someone else has gone through something similar... you will know you are not alone.

I contracted GHSV-1 4 years ago through oral sex. First OB was HORRIBLE, not to mention the emotional trauma it caused me. I confronted the guy who gave it to me and he was a total jerk, saying there is no way he had it, and how did I know it was him. I've since run into him socially, and he doesn't even remember me.

I have been single for a long time. I just haven't met the right person. I happened to meet a great guy about a month ago through one of the popular dating sites. Our relationship progressed slowly at first but picked up a lot of speed in the last 2 weeks. He cancelled his online profile, when I told him I wasn't comfortable sleeping with him while he was on there. I should have had "the talk" then and there, but I just wasn't ready.

This past Saturday night, he introduced me to his parents, and invited me on a trip to Boston with him for New Years. I invited him to meet my family on Sunday, so that he could be my date to my brother's wedding in a couple weeks.

We get home to my apartment Saturday night, and I give him the talk. I was completely honest and he was very, very understanding. He thanks me for telling him, and less than 30 minutes later, we have protected sex.

The next day he says he doesn't feel well, and cancels on my family dinner via text message. I'm hurt and annoyed since my family was looking forward to meeting him.

I get a text from him Monday morning: "I'm a bit freaked out by what you told me Saturday night. Sorry I'm just paranoid about stuff like that."

I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, since it was scary to me when I first found out. I reply: "I understand. I was shocked and confused at first too. It's very common, so even if you don't want to hang out with me bc of it, you might want to read online or talk to your doctor for more info."

He replies: "I just need some time to process it. I REALLY respect you for telling me."

Monday night, he reinstated his profile on the dating website. That's the end of it for me. Taking time to think about it is one thing, but immediately going back to online dating just shows that I am not special and completely replaceable.

I hope that if I ever have "the talk" again, that it has a more positive ending. Best of luck to everyone out there in a similar situation, we have each other for support!

[AnnieCamp 0]

That really blows, but you know what - ten bucks says this dude makes out with girls he doesn't know and puts himself at risk for HSV-1 orally all the time.

I too have GHSV-1 and I tell everyone I'm with. I've never been turned down for it luckily. To me, this guy isn't worth your time and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.

Getting an STD was probably one of the things I was most paranoid about before I got GHSV-1. That said, after the amount I've researched now, I am very confident if someone confided in me they had HSV-1 or 2 who I really liked, I would have moved forward with the relationship.

Once you educate yourself, it's just a stupid virus. If you've had chickenpox, you've had herpes. Get the fuck over it.

chin up!

[singleladybug 0]

Thanks Annie - your message made me laugh! I have since made a list of all the weird things about him that I didn't like. Maybe that's awful but it made me feel better.

[Wishing Well 6]

Thanks for posting and sorry it didnt turn out the way you wanted. Hugs.

Great that you told him though. Im also a h1 sufferer and am yet to have the talk...one day! ;P

[Wishing Well 6]

I liked the fact you told him just to be careful in general. I'll be like that when I tell people too as this can so easily be caught, and avoided.

[Soraya1 2]

Thanks for sharing.

And hmmmm. He has sex with you and then decides he is not comfortable about it? Meh. Jerk. You had a lucky escape.

I am sorry this happened to you. I have online dated before too, and there are an awful lot of people on there who are serial daters, not looking for anything long term –*I think they almost see it as an Amazon.com for picking up. Call me cynical, but honestly, I think it is true.

You sound like a wise, strong person. One day your prince will come, I am sure of it.

Soraya x

[AnnieCamp 0]

To wishing well: I think it's kind of funny with HSV-1 how people are so hypocritical about it. To many it's no big deal and to others its a huge deal.

To be fair though I don't think it's easily avoided. If you were to try and avoid it you'd spend a ton of your life obsessing, never sharing drinks, never kissing crushes, and never living life. Before I got GHSV-1 I had kissed a good many boys innocently enough and never once thought "This is risky, I could get herpes." nor did I really care.

I think it's up to people who have the virus to be up front about it with the people they're contacting, know their bodies, and do the best they can. I was mad when I contracted it knowing information was withheld from me that would have altered my behavior but wouldn't have stopped me from dating the person I was with...

Just my two cents

[gotitsowhat 15]

I'm sorry about the results but....

I commend your courage for telling him plainly. I hope you let him know that one in four women has genital herpes--so if he's out there dating women he feels more "comfortable" with, his comfort may be an illusion at least one in four times! At least, with you, he would have known where he stood and could have used precautions. And...I wonder if he has had the nerve to go get tested himself? Probably not. He'd rather live with the comfortable illusion that by not dating you, he's safe from hsv infections.

[MissHope 127]

Hey ladybug, thanks for sharing your story..... all of them can teach us something, even the ones with the not so happy ending.

I'm really sorry how it turned out for you. I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. Yeah, it didn't work out but I got to see the guys true colours early on, and I was able to move on.

I find it sad that this guy is 'paranoid about stuff like that'. Personally, for me, I'm far more paranoid about people that have other flaws..... the inability to be faithful, people that lie, people that cheat.

When looking for a partner I want to make a life with, a coldsore does not bother me in the slightest. What does bother me are men that can't hold down a job, men that have a past of bad relationships, men that don't respect women, men that take drugs, men that gamble..... you know?

If this guy is willing to walk away from a woman of quality over a coldsore, then let him go. He may well find another girl (or two or three) that doesn't have this, but she may not be faithful to him, she may lie to him, she may cheat on him.....

I got the "I really respect you" line too, and at the time, I was meh, whatever but I guess hopefully one day he'll remember that I had the honesty and integrity to be upfront about my condition (HSV2) in the face of some girl lying to him about something that really matters to him.

Don't let this guy stop you in your search. I think of it as practice in sorting out the princes from the frogs - having one guy walk away from me, only makes me more determined to find decent guys to share my life with. Yeah its hard and it hurts, but it hasn't put me off.

Keep on trying and be proud of yourself for what you've done. You've shown integrity and courage and that's more than a lot people out there in dating land!!!

[justme4u 0]

I would completely have to agree with everyone here.

Your story about confronting the man you suspect sounded just like mine!

To make matters worse he isn't talking to me but like the rest of you have said, I DON'T CARE and its time to move on.

I don't think it will ever be easy to tell someone and I'm not looking forward to it.

[PicadillyPeaCoat 0]

Don't be surprised when he contracts it from one of the other girls he meets and then he decides to call you. What a looser! You're better off without him.

[Honor 0]

Texting someone about something so important doesn't show they "REALLY respect" you for telling, at all.

He acted like a scared little boy...had sex, then ran.

Maybe someday he'll learn why he really should have "really respected" you, most likely when he runs into a liar or when life catches on with him and he has to be honest about something that's hard to be honest about. Regardless, it's not your responsibility to give him life lessons; never was. You deserve a better lover, who will care about you enough to do some research and hang around long enough to make an educated decision.

I wish you all the very best.