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ItIsMeChris

Dating and relationships with H, after 40....

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ItIsMeChris

I am in my mid-fifties, was diagnosed 3 months ago, so very new to it all. I went through a very tough divorce 3 years ago, had just started dating again when I got 'the gift'. I assume most people in my age range have been dealing with H for a while, while all of this is very new to me. I decided against dating someone who didn't have H, was not ready for 'the talk', this might change as time goes by. I have dated a couple of men since my diagnosis, was curious if others in our age group would like to share some of their experiences. I would enjoy learning from others here on the forum.

Thanks,

Chris

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Chirpes

Be very selective with who you are interested in, get to know them well, and if they like you..........be honest tell them, and be careful, there are other ways to enjoy each other. There are many others out there feeling the same. Just be a good catch....and it will not matter.:rolleyes:

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Guest AlUrker

While I've had it for nine years I haven't dealt with the dating at all. I broke up with my giver last September after 9 years. Did a short stint on plenty of fish. 1 out of 5 of those was positive, the one I liked most not terribly accepting but didn't run for the hills when I had the talk. Then I was lucky enough to meet someone on Positive Singles that seems to be the one and the relationship actually has a chance. I'd long since given up 'soul mate' but if I could build a better person for me to be with, she'd be it. The whole thing has amazed me and I have to wonder if it ever would've happened if not for us both having this little blister thing on our "parts"... Don't get me wrong, there need to be some changes made in my life in order for it to happen (new job, new city) but none of them are things that I wasn't already thinking about doing anyway. Honestly, things look better for my continued happiness now than they have in a long, long time.

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RealisticGal

That's so awesome, Al!

Yes, as folks get to our somewhat riper age, I believe we begin to accept that soul mate is a pretty unlikely concept.

Happy companionship that stimulates me is what I want. Soul mate is an awful lot to live up to on both ends of the deal.

Just call me realistic.

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regret

i dont know about that.. i found my soulmate 5 yrs ago and i didnt find him til my 40's

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RealisticGal
i dont know about that.. i found my soulmate 5 yrs ago and i didnt find him til my 40's

You are a lucky woman!

I'm still gonna be realistic. :flowers:

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BrokenPrincess

Hi Chris,

I'm in my 40s and not sure if/when I will actually get to the point of telling anyone just yet. When I've started getting closer to someone I began dating or even just spoke with them several times by phone, I've tended to begin blowing them off after awhile because I knew "the talk" would soon be the next step. They would then lose interest and move on.

Stats I've read so far state that 1 in 5 women have "the gift", but only 1 in 8 men do. So my search for an accepting, or even H+ man will be potentially more difficult.

We all process this differently and this is my way of doing it right now. I've only just been getting out into the dating world, so hopefully I will get to the next step in telling someone. But, for now, this is how I handle it. It's nice connecting with the opposite sex, which I need at times, but I'm not ready to disclose just yet, so I keep my distance physically. And that's okay.

Give yourself time and listen to your own gut when it comes to where you want to be on this subject. Don't be harsh on yourself if you do things, or think things differently than others in this same boat. Try and do as much as possible for yourself and make sure you take care of you. ;)

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JBnATL

I have never had a problem dating

I got it when I was 26 and I am 49 now. I have dated many women and never have been rejected.

It really is no big deal and if you treat it that way they too will see that if you use common sense and take meds you can have a normal sex life. I have never passed it along either.

Learn all you can about this and you will see it really is no big deal.

Come to the chat room. There you will meet many nice people there who can share their experiences with you.

Good luck!

JB

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package deal

ok your not alone person 50 or over to get herpies. I had herpies when i was 52 and i am 53 now.

as for dating i not dating. I cant face giving the talk yet. I know i would not date anyone who did not have herpies regardless how accepting they are and i also leary about dating people with herpies but that because of a trust issue with me

i mean the guy who gave it to me knew he had it and lied to me

so im a little leary of men whenit comes to trust

i tell you this if i ever date again i never take a mans word for it again. I demand they have tests done for other stds

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livinglifetothefullest

Wow! This is great! I have sat and read a lot of your comments and most of them are exactly how I feel, or what I've been through.....I'm hoping this site will help me cope with having " the gift" a little better........which by the way I've had for 24 yrs.

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Firehorsewoman

Hi, Chris:

I recently got herpes in my post-divorce, getting my groove back phase too.

Like being middle-aged and divorced wasn't bad enough right?!

But, I've really tried to look at the positive aspect of it all and re-evaluate my approach to men, sex and, relationships. It hasn't been easy but I think a healthy step for me and one that I wish I had taken 20 years ago.

At first I had the common feeling of only wanting to be involved with a man who was positive for herpes himself. I told myself that I could not deal with the risk of infecting someone. But, I am relaxing on that stance and keeping my mind and heart open. I have had "the talk" with three men. Two were jerks that I wanted to weed and the talk sent them running. The third is still around but we are taking the entire process very slowly, a whole new concept for me BTW.

I don't know about you, but I have many times felt middle-age to be as turbulent mentally and physically as my teen years. All of those crazy mid-life crisis stories make sense now!

hang in there

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Bozo

A Spanner in the works !

Hello to everyone,

I have just been diagnosed type 2. 43 years old. I am in a new relationship and have had to give the talk this morning, however, with a twist...... My partner does not know if he has Herpes or not. He may or may not have passed it on to me. Who really knows?? Is the general incubation period the norm?? If so then chances are I did contract Herpes from my partner. If not then I have exposed him to it. He is going to have a blood test to see if he is positive. As our relationship is new, this will certainly 'test' where our relationship is going to go from here. I was completely upfront and honest with him and he responded well :) Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thats life!!

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Bozo

Incubation ??

Hi again,

With relation to my earlier question re incubation period ..... is it rare to have the virus type 2 for years and not know it?? Is it more common to have your first outbreak after recent exposure to the virus?? Is there any test that can determine a time frame of having type 2 whether you have an outbreak or not??

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RealisticGal
Hi again,

With relation to my earlier question re incubation period ..... is it rare to have the virus type 2 for years and not know it??

The experts estimate that 70% of those who have genital herpes do not know it. That isn't rare at all. And yes, that can be for years at a time.

Is it more common to have your first outbreak after recent exposure to the virus??

I don't know, and I don't know whether that has been studied or not.

Is there any test that can determine a time frame of having type 2 whether you have an outbreak or not??

Not really. If you had been tested negative in the past, and now test positive, that could narrow it down a little bit.

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Kookla

me too

I am 41 years old and have been dating since my divorce 8 yrs ago. I have been with my BF for almost a year and found out a month ago...that I have HSV2. My BF swears he did not cheat on me (ironically enough..he broke out two days later after I did)...but as I am finding out...either one of us could've have had it and not known....we are still together...but our relationship up until this point has been rather rocky..even before this diagnoses..

My point being...I am in a position where I really have to consider the fact that I may be single again...and it scares me to death. I am almost trying to really make this relationship work for the sake of us both having this and just "dealing" with it together....

I feel what you're feeling....at age 41...it's like ..WOW....i almost made it thru life without EVER having to deal with an STD....I've never had one before....I am sad...anguished...and feel like I am living a nightmare..I don't know if any of what I am saying is helpful other than the fact that you're not alone in this...it's devastating no matter what the age.

I guess this will just have to be a "wait and see" situation and let life handle itself...I too...am still going thru the roller coaster of emotions right now on top of a rather "dysfuntional" relationship....

God Bless...

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Bozo

Thank RelisticGal and Kookla for your input .. very much appreciated :)

@ Kookla ... I do not in the least bit feal ashamed, sad or devastated about my diagnosis. I have had far more serious health issues to deal with in the past .. being told I would never walk again to now riding horses and enjoying life seems to make this problem seem somewhat insignificant. Please don't get me wrong I understand your feelings and can certainly sympathise with you. Life must go on regardless. As far as my relationship is concerned I have a happy feeling all will be ok and if it's not I will still be a happy person and embrace life as I always have :) Please don't stay in your relationship because of the ease of you both having herpes .... live life and be happy in yourself!! That is far more important than living a lie. Being single is not a life sentence either. Inner happiness (happy with who you are) is a wonderful place to be. :) I wish you all the best :)

@Realistic Gal thanks for the stats ... I am a realist and will surge ahead regardless of the how, why and wheres. I have come to the conclusion since my initial post that it is irrelevant as herpes is for life. I adore my partner and he me .. that that doesn't break us only makes us stronger :) Thanks again and have a lovely day :)

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red wine

This has been so heartwarming. I have been divorced for 2 years after a 25 year marriage, and that in itself is hard enough at 48. Now this. I need to somehow muster up the strength to find the right words to tell my BF. I don't even know how to begin the after the fact "talk". I had no clue, but I now know I did expose him. I am so sick over this, I just cant stop crying, but I know I need to tell him soon.

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benny
This has been so heartwarming. I have been divorced for 2 years after a 25 year marriage, and that in itself is hard enough at 48. Now this. I need to somehow muster up the strength to find the right words to tell my BF. I don't even know how to begin the after the fact "talk". I had no clue, but I now know I did expose him. I am so sick over this, I just cant stop crying, but I know I need to tell him soon.

Has your bf been tested? If not, you don't know what his status is. I am in a similar situation. Just found out a week ago and had to tell my fiance. He is still waitin on his results. I can't help but feel guilty but not sure I should. I had no clue that I had hsv2...no signs or symptoms at all....ever. I did have a cold sore which he was aware of. Until I know I can't say I am the guilty party....but if he is negative (which i am praying for) I am not sure how to move on. I was scared to death to tell him but I love him toooooo much to not be honest no matter the outcome. I can relate to being sick over this....I too have been since getting my results. Keep your head up and good luck to you.

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red wine

I have not even told him yet. I just found out myself. I had a spider bite on my thigh but it would never go away completely. Almost, but would then flare up again. Went to DR after third time, they did a swab test to see what it was, but never said what they were looking for. I thought just some weird infection, but oh no, it was HSV 1+2. My BF and I were together while the "bite" was scabbed over, and before my lab test came back. I never suspected the result I got. So now I am confused since it was an OB, but not on my genitals at all, do you know if he has to come in contact with the actual sores, or just having sex at the time of an OB still put him at risk???

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benny
I have not even told him yet. I just found out myself. I had a spider bite on my thigh but it would never go away completely. Almost, but would then flare up again. Went to DR after third time, they did a swab test to see what it was, but never said what they were looking for. I thought just some weird infection, but oh no, it was HSV 1+2. My BF and I were together while the "bite" was scabbed over, and before my lab test came back. I never suspected the result I got. So now I am confused since it was an OB, but not on my genitals at all, do you know if he has to come in contact with the actual sores, or just having sex at the time of an OB still put him at risk???

While I am no expert and still searching for answers myself...from what I have read the most contagious time is during an OB so he may have been exposed. They do not necessarily have to be on the genital area. Could be on the thighs, buttocks, etc. I know there is nothing that I can say to ease how you are feeling right now but you had no idea...just like me. I still have yet to have any signs so the only thing you can do is be honest and tell him he needs to be tested. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it did take a weight off. Once he knows you can go from there. Good luck!!!

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NolaTown

You want to be mad. I will tell you what to be mad at. I get tested regularly for HIV at every annual physical exam. I have been alone for two years and received a negative HIV test for two years. No reason to expect anything else. Right? I made the mistake of thinking when they test you for HIV they test you for all STDs. I have NEVER specifically asked for a Herpes test. I have been told that I was negative for herpes in the past so some doctors do it with HIV tests and some dont. So I'm thinking Im being responsible. I'm negative on all aspects. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Anyone you plan on having sex with, have them tested for HIV as well as Herpes. I read over 80% of the sexually active population is positive and they dont even know it. Most of you are sweating this and you may not even have a reason to.

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ilovebaseball

I'm 42 as well

I am in a very bad marriage and have not taken any steps to get out of it for several reasons, but the main reason being positive for Herpes. I can't see how in the world I could find a mate at my age with this condition coupled with the fact that I am 42 and not wealthy. It wouldn't be so bad if I was not interested in sex, but I am. Very tough situation to deal with.

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RealisticGal
I am in a very bad marriage and have not taken any steps to get out of it for several reasons, but the main reason being positive for Herpes. I can't see how in the world I could find a mate at my age with this condition coupled with the fact that I am 42 and not wealthy. It wouldn't be so bad if I was not interested in sex, but I am. Very tough situation to deal with.

If you are in a bad relationship, especially if it is abusive, please do not let the presence of a stupid virus keep you in that situation! There are plenty of folks here who have found love after herpes.

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NolaTown

Speed Date Regularly

I wish there some more here from Tampa. We could all get together and have a girls night out and get to know each other. We could have questionaires to make sure everyone mingles and whoever has the most wins the prize. If everyone chips in $5.00 and we get a good turnout, it might be worth the bounty. Maybe some place neutral. Maybe a speed date. Anybody interested?

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ilovebaseball

Thanks

If you are in a bad relationship, especially if it is abusive, please do not let the presence of a stupid virus keep you in that situation! There are plenty of folks here who have found love after herpes.

Easier said than done, but I appreciate your response. It is very helpful and exciting to know that people have a place to go and express concerns and encouragement about this disease and what affects it has. Finding and enjoying relationships is difficult at best. However, I could see how 2 people that share a common ailment could actually be closer and enjoy each other more than 2 people that don't have a challenging ailment such as herpes. Herpes has such an emotional impact and also affects a very delicate but important issue in life, sex. I'm not sure if sexually healthy relationships exist regardless of of an STD.

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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