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MunkyLuvr

I don't but he does

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MunkyLuvr

Hi.

New to this all and just looking for information and help on understanding HSV.... I've been a nurse for awhile now and I gotta say that things are so different when it affects someone you love. Just need help.

My boyfriend told me a few days ago he has herpes. Because he loves me, we have been abstaining from sex and just enjoying our time together. I want to be able to be intimate with him and I am not even really scared of being infected, because i know he refuses to allow that to happen. I just find myself at a loss now because I have never had to use condoms or go thru all this thought to have an intimate relationship (all my intimacies have been with long-term partners).... I want to be able to satisfy his needs and yet i feel like he is missing out.... his previous partner was positive, so they hadd more freedom... I feel like he will regret having someone who is now not infected.

I want to also re-affirm my conviction in staying with him. He was very scared to tell me, crying as he did. He was certain I was gonna leave him and now I see he is still tense about it all. How can I help him feel better? I know he is scared I will get it too. I understand this is a risk and that nothing is 100%, no matter how careful we are. He knows I did want one more child, but I asssureed him I am okay without... (already have some from prev marriage). Please share personal or general ideas on increasing trust, confidence etc....

I have been reading and educating myself alot. There are just some things that books and websites can't relate....

MunkyLuver

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Prettyawesomechick

I'm an hsv2 asymptomatic carrier. I've had many relationships during the years of having the virus and have yet to pass it to anyone. Without symptoms and proper usage of antiviral therapy there's about a 2% annual chance you could be infected. Or so I've read. If you are both careful and observant your risk can become minimal. Hopes this helps.

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RealisticGal

I've recently begun an intimate relationship with my friend, who is positive, while I am not. So I understand a bit what you are going through. I feel the same way as you. I have accepted the possibility of getting herpes. I'm not saying I want it, because I know a lot of folks here (especially women) suffer horrible outbreaks. But I couldn't have proceeded with intimacy had I not decided that the risk was something I could deal with, and I understand there will always be some level of risk. The statistical percentages are only so useful.

There are several folks here in long term serodiscordant relationships who have not passed herpes along despite unprotected intimate relations. You should try to track down Mr. Honest and talk to him, for one.

You probably don't need to worry so much about your bf feeling regret over any possibility that he might not get his needs met. I suspect his concern about passing it to you far overrides that worry. Also, I've heard there are ways to be creative. :rolleyes:

Obviously, the biggest thing is for him to be aware of his symptoms of an impending outbreak, so you can avoid relations then.

I'm not sure how my guy was feeling when he told me. I have a feeling he pretty much assumed that would nip anything intimate between us in the bud. He had not had relations since his diagnosis, and that had been several years. After he got it, he had pretty much given up on any sort of sex life. Apparently, most folks have that same reaction, at least for a while. I guess I surprised him with my acceptance and gentle encouragement.

One thing I found is that he hadn't done a whole bunch of research himself. I actually told him things that he didn't know, which helped calm some of his fears.

So that would be my suggestion. Educate yourself as much as you can. This is a great place to do that. Then, just be gently supportive. I don't think of my guy as Mr. Herpes. There is so much more to him than the fact that he has a virus squatting in his body. It rarely crosses my mind at this point. I try not to let it dominate our relationship, though obviously the topic still comes up now and then. We are still very new to this. I suspect it will be even less of an issue over time.

Oh, one other thing. I was ready for intimacy before he was. Again, that fear of passing it to me was so strong in his mind. Be patient if your guy is feeling the same way. It took us several months after he told me before we crossed the intimacy bridge. When the time felt right, everything came together.

HTH! :wavey:

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AF Vet

I'm in a similar situation, but opposite. I'm the one with genital herpes, and my boyfriend of 2 years does not. I told him as soon as it looked like we were going to be serious, positive he was going to lose interest. Well, he went home and educated himself and decided that he would take the risk...

I told him recently when I had an out break the day after having sex with him, that I was really sorry for exposing him, I was in tears when I said this. He said it was just something we work around, that it wasn't a big deal to him.

So... My bf and I... we don't have sex when I feel like I'm about to have an outbreak, during, or for a few days after. We always have protected sex, and the one time we had a condom break he washed up and was fine, more concerned with the risk of me getting pregnant (this was very early in our relationship). We always clean up, especially him, after we have sex.

For you... My understanding is that it's a bit easier for women to get. So if your willing to take the risks... move at his comfort level, I guess. I'm still sometimes very nervous about giving this to my bf. He loves me and I know he knows he runs the risk of getting it every time we're intimate... I'd probably be more upset than him if he got it.

I'm not sure I'm really offering advise per se... but encouragement? LOL. Good luck! And thank you for posting on here, it helps to hear about people who are willing to be with people who have this. Especially for some of the people new to this. So they know they aren't dirty and can still lead normal and intimate lives, so long as their careful.

Thank you!!!

~J

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MunkyLuvr

i appreciate the input... I guess now i just have to work out the kinks... I explained to my bf that I really just have questions cuz there is so much i dont know or understand... i guess cuz i work as a nurse, i see some really terrible cases of EVERYTHING.... so it makes me think ahead for the worst case scenario. I know he knows i love him.. we talked marriage even.... i just dont know what i can and cant do sexually... i mean... can i touch him there? will i get it on my hands? some of these questions seem so stupid and i dunno who to ask... but they are legitimate to me....

what if i kiss him in areas near there... could i get it? it just seems like when the time comes for all the exploring... i dunno what i can and cant explore without a latex suit on.... he is trying to guide me, but i know most of his partners before me all had hsv too, so i am really out in far left field for him..... =( feel like a virgin with no clue what to do... lol

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RealisticGal

Skin to skin contact

i just dont know what i can and cant do sexually... i mean... can i touch him there? will i get it on my hands? some of these questions seem so stupid and i dunno who to ask... but they are legitimate to me....

what if i kiss him in areas near there... could i get it? it just seems like when the time comes for all the exploring... i dunno what i can and cant explore without a latex suit on.... he is trying to guide me, but i know most of his partners before me all had hsv too, so i am really out in far left field for him..... =( feel like a virgin with no clue what to do... lol

I think our best guide to keep in mind is skin to skin contact. So if our partner has oral herpes, any contact with his facial area could potentially transmit it. If he has genital herpes, basically the boxer short area is all area for potential transfer.

Of course, there is skin. And then, there is skin.

The skin on our hands is much tougher (as you know) than our mucous membranes. But a cut in that area makes it more possible to get the virus in there. I think if I had a cut on my hand, I would avoid manual stimulation of the penis, or any place where my partner had a history of lesions, but wouldn't be too worried about other areas.

I guess we could always put on our exam gloves (mostly kidding)!

On the other hand (no pun intended), there is this:

http://latexboxers.com/product.html

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Pitbull90

Hey guys 1th post!

Hello I'd like to start my introduction off in this thread because it seems like it fits well for my (and my girlfriends) situation.

You can call me Pit bull (for my love of the breed) and I just recently got into a relationship with my current girlfriend... She has HSV2 and i just found this out. Not wanting to completely dismiss the relationship (I really do like her a lot) :p and I really don't know much about the disease, I know that it's highly contagious and that it's easily transferable. This is distressing because the physical side of a relationship is pretty important to me... plus she's one of the nicest and most beautiful women I've ever met. I want to be safe but i want to find a way to physical (any). Please help! what can i do? Am I just sol? I love her very much and i just want this to work. I'm completely new to this thing and if anyone could PM me would be highly appreciated. Thank you so much I'm really glad this community exists. I want everyone out there to know that love does exist out there. Even with people without the virus. I want to extend my thanks to you all and look forward to your responses.

Pitbull

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wholesome

It is upsetting when you have herpes and the person for whom you care doesn't. So many of us worry so much for our partners.

I have recently been seeing a former boyfriend. (There was a 26 year gap in there so it's not like we broke up, got back together.....) All those years ago our lives weren't in sync and any type of permanency in a relationship wasn't possible. When we met again it was like we picked up from where we'd left off, and circumstances for each of us are better now. Even though we were no where near getting physical again, my hopes were getting up and so I though I'd better tell him I had acquired herpes from my ex. I thought that way I could get his rejecting me over with.

He didn't reject me and he was a little angry that I thought he would. Like others who have posted here he's prepared to accept me, all of me, including my herpes. We have a small advantage in that he suffers from recurring shingles and he knows a bit about herpes in general.

That doesn't mean he never thinks about it. (We're still getting to know one another again after this long gap.) Occasionally he'll ask a question, or he'll mention a piece of new information that he's acquired. As he said to me when I told him, I'm the last person that he'd ever expect to get an STI of any kind. However, he's never complained, and he's still with me. I can't remember his exact words, but it was something to the affect, that a limited physical relationship with me is far more satisfying than some of the unlimited ones he's had in the past.

If you and your bf are close, and it sounds like you are, he will let you know if there are problems. In the meantime, celebrate the fact that he's mature enough to know that herpes, although permanent, is not that big a deal.

@RealisticGal Thanks for the laugh. I clicked the link and just about roared.

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queennie4

I have it but he don't

I has HSV-1 and HSV-2, and been currently dating the same guy for over an year, and he got tested in it came back neg. and I never had any OB's so I never knew I was a carrier until the blood test came back and he was there with me when I recieved may results, considering that I contracted herpes from my past he didn't hold it against me.

But I gave him the option to opt out the relationship but he decided to remain in the relationship, but we OK can't complain about anything and things are fine.

Things get better.....

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Luisa

Hmmn... I'm still new to this but if it was I, I'd like my partner to not be as tensed as I am. I think it would help if you just remain calm and act naturally like it's really no big deal. (which I'm sure you're already doing;))I'd like to have my partner assure me that he'd always be there no matter what, saying it while hugging me would do great wonders I'm sure! (which I presume you already are doing:laugh:) Just the same, I think that by merely staying, could be enough assurance. He may never realize how firm you are with your decision not until he observes in time that you really stayed and really are there for him.

I just shared the tips above since those are the simple things I would love to experience when I tell a potential partner. I seriously happy that you're taking a chance at love with your boyfriend who's H+. It keeps my hopes up! Thank you for posting!

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RealisticGal
I just recently got into a relationship with my current girlfriend... She has HSV2 and i just found this out. Not wanting to completely dismiss the relationship (I really do like her a lot) :p and I really don't know much about the disease, I know that it's highly contagious and that it's easily transferable. This is distressing because the physical side of a relationship is pretty important to me... plus she's one of the nicest and most beautiful women I've ever met. I want to be safe but i want to find a way to physical (any). Please help! what can i do?

Well, calling herpes "highly contagious" may be stretching things a bit. If you look at some statistics, you will see that the annual chances of a man contracting herpes from a woman are less than 10%. In fact, with a couple of precautions (no contact during active outbreaks, infected partner takes anti-virals and condoms are used), the chances are said to be about 1-2% per year.

That said, there is no such thing as 100% safe sex with herpes.

Certainly, you want to avoid intimate skin-to-skin contact whenever your girlfriend has active sores.

How long has she had it? If it's been a while, she should be able to recognize the signs of an oncoming outbreak (prodrome). At that point, you might want to avoid sex as well.

Also, the longer a person has herpes, typically they have fewer outbreaks and (theoretically) less viral shedding. So if she has had it a while, your chances of contracting it from her are less.

You staying healthy and keeping your immune system balanced should also help.

I don't have herpes. I am intimately involved (this is new) with someone who does. My bottom line was accepting that the stats are nice, but they only mean so much. I had to be able to go into it knowing I could be in that 1-4% or thereabouts. If I couldn't deal with that, I could not be intimate with him. I would have to walk away.

I didn't walk away, and I'm dealing with it just fine! ;)

(In fact, I would estimate he is much more concerned than I am.)

Here's something to consider. Many of those who have herpes do not know it. Some know and refuse to tell. Given that, your chances of being infected by a new partner are probably higher than with this girl, whose status you know (so you can take some precautions).

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Pitbull90

I guess calling it highly contagious is kind of stretching it a bit... I'm still new to this whole thing. :/ While I like your statistics, Thank you for not shadowing the fact that there is no 100% completely fool proof way to get around transmission.

She has had it for about 3 years now. I guess i just need to ask some more questions about if she's going to or feeling an outbreak. Now I just need to boost my immune system. :p

Knowledge is power, I guess I'm just getting more powerful.

Thank you Realistic!

I admire you for sticking through when there was doubt, it gives me inspiration and high hopes of this new relationship I just started. (she told me last night that she loves me):dancing2:

I hope it would be okay if i pm you if have anything to ask in my research... You can feel free to do the same for me, alas i have nothing but admiration for you and yours.

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MunkyLuvr

its nice to see there are more of us out there taking this chance.... I see now that my bf is waaaaay more concerned than i am about his + status... its really sweet, but i feel so bad because i know if i ever came back positive, he'd damn near kill himself with guilt.....

all things aside, we have a very open relationship with our communication, so I know we will figure out all this physical aspect stuff eventually... he has offered to be abstinent with me, just because he is so scared to give it to me.... man, if that ain't love, i dont know what is.......

thanks for all the replies... i just gotta keep reading and educating.... it is sad to see there is a stigma... i discussed this info with my best friend, she is not excited about my bf now... *sigh* closed minds..... only time will tell.....

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RealisticGal

I admire you for sticking through when there was doubt, it gives me inspiration and high hopes of this new relationship I just started. (she told me last night that she loves me):dancing2:

I hope it would be okay if i pm you if have anything to ask in my research... You can feel free to do the same for me, alas i have nothing but admiration for you and yours.

It is totally okay to PM me.

How nice to hear about your GF telling you she loves you. That's wonderful!!! :D

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RealisticGal
it is sad to see there is a stigma... i discussed this info with my best friend, she is not excited about my bf now... *sigh* closed minds..... only time will tell.....

That is very sad.

Just think of all the things you might have told her about your BF. What if your revelation had been that he was physically abusive? Alcoholic? Controlling? Cheating on you with other women? Unambitious and unwilling to get a job --- just using you as his sugar mama?

Would she still be enthusiastic about him if you told her any of those things?

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melliebellie

Realistic Gal, do you have the article that quotes these statistics of transfer?

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Pitbull90

Agreed that would be wonderful... still kinda iffy on stuff, but right now it seems like my girlfriend knows less about her condition than i do...

I would love it if you cited your facts.

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2Cute18

2Cute18 Says Love Prevails

Oh I am loving this topic because it is encouraging to hear that people are not letting a silly virus keep them from true love. I have HSV2 but my current partner does not have anything. At least I hope not. We've also been very careful and I can honestly say we haven't missed a beat in the nasty department (lol) for past 2 years. Anyway, I think you, and so many others, are great human beings. I thank God for you and I wish you all a long and happy relationship.

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RealisticGal

A lot of the info I've found has been right here on this web site, though I have also seen similar numbers other places online. I like this site because the presentation seems to be one of the most balanced I've found.

Here's one snippet from a page here ( http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/herpes_prevention_tips.htm#herpes_relationship ):

What is the chance of spreading herpes to my partner?

It varies whether you are a man or a woman. In either case, the risk of spreading herpes to a partner is very, very small if you abstain from contact with the affected area during outbreaks.

For a woman with HSV-2 genital herpes, the chance of spreading the virus to a man if they abstain from having sex during outbreaks is approximately 3% in a year. This is without the use of condoms or suppressive drugs which would reduce this risk even further.

For a man with HSV-2 genital herpes, the chance of passing the virus onto a female partner if they abstain from sex during outbreaks is close to 8% in a year.[1]

This is still only a very small chance which could be reduced by a further 40% or more with the use of condoms, a suppressive therapy or antiviral herbs.

The risk is even lower for those individuals who have HSV Type 2 in the mouth area, or HSV Type 1 in the genital area. For more information please read this article Herpes Simplex 1 and 2, which explains the two different types of Herpes simplex and the rates of recurrence.

You might also find some info that would help answer your questions (without so many numbers and percentages), here:

http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html

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MunkyLuvr
That is very sad.

Just think of all the things you might have told her about your BF. What if your revelation had been that he was physically abusive? Alcoholic? Controlling? Cheating on you with other women? Unambitious and unwilling to get a job --- just using you as his sugar mama?

Would she still be enthusiastic about him if you told her any of those things?

I know... I guess she feels that I am selling myself short and taking a big chance... but honestly, I am in love with this man. he is awesome... I was married once and he ended up being a cheater, abusive, you name it.... and so, if mr. perfect has one little thing (that is liveable)... then I am taking him now... He is romantic, sensitive, strong... sweet and caring...

H2 does not define a person... does not even begin to make a person.... this man is beautiful, the virus is just a pest riding along for free.... no worries for me.. love him... H2 and all

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RealisticGal
I know... I guess she feels that I am selling myself short and taking a big chance... but honestly, I am in love with this man. he is awesome... I was married once and he ended up being a cheater, abusive, you name it.... and so, if mr. perfect has one little thing (that is liveable)... then I am taking him now... He is romantic, sensitive, strong... sweet and caring...

H2 does not define a person... does not even begin to make a person.... this man is beautiful, the virus is just a pest riding along for free.... no worries for me.. love him... H2 and all

Your attitude is great, IMO. You have it all figured out, whilst your friend is in the dark about what is important.

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MissHope
I know... I guess she feels that I am selling myself short and taking a big chance... but honestly, I am in love with this man. he is awesome... I was married once and he ended up being a cheater, abusive, you name it.... and so, if mr. perfect has one little thing (that is liveable)... then I am taking him now... He is romantic, sensitive, strong... sweet and caring...

H2 does not define a person... does not even begin to make a person.... this man is beautiful, the virus is just a pest riding along for free.... no worries for me.. love him... H2 and all

Gorgeous post!!!! Thank you so much for your words....I know they will be a great encouragement to some of our newbies who are worried about finding love.

I do hope you stick around here and share your advice and stories to keep spreading the hope.

Thank you Munky :star:

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MunkyLuvr

I think our best guide to keep in mind is skin to skin contact. So if our partner has oral herpes, any contact with his facial area could potentially transmit it. If he has genital herpes, basically the boxer short area is all area for potential transfer.

Of course, there is skin. And then, there is skin.

The skin on our hands is much tougher (as you know) than our mucous membranes. But a cut in that area makes it more possible to get the virus in there. I think if I had a cut on my hand, I would avoid manual stimulation of the penis, or any place where my partner had a history of lesions, but wouldn't be too worried about other areas.

I guess we could always put on our exam gloves (mostly kidding)!

On the other hand (no pun intended), there is this:

http://latexboxers.com/product.html

RG,

one of the things we have been discussing is cross contamination... some of my friends say that since they have genital herpes, and if their partner has it, then they can have oral sex and not worry since "the virus is already in our bodies anyhow".... I tried to explain cross contamination but am I wrong? any info out there? so many questions... lotsa info but sometimes the little stupid questions like these elude me

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RealisticGal
RG,

one of the things we have been discussing is cross contamination... some of my friends say that since they have genital herpes, and if their partner has it, then they can have oral sex and not worry since "the virus is already in our bodies anyhow".... I tried to explain cross contamination but am I wrong? any info out there? so many questions... lotsa info but sometimes the little stupid questions like these elude me

Oral sex involves contact between the mouth and the genitals (unless I've been doing it wrong!).

What that means is that a person could potentially acquire herpes in their oral area by performing oral sex on a partner's infected genital area.

There is some suggestion that having the antibodies, because of having herpes in one location, will help protect a person from getting herpes in another location. But this is absolutely not 100%.

It is possible to use a condom and/or dental dam to lessen the risk. (I personally liken that to chewing on a raw octopus, which is not my idea of good times.)

If your friends (or you) are okay with the possibility of also getting oral herpes, then there is no problem. You just need to understand that the possibility does exist --- existing antibodies cannot be counted upon to protect you.

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