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listentometalk

Miserable

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listentometalk

So yeah, here I am again. I'm a little drunk, so I may come off as a little intense, but I'm at the bottom of the well here.

To make a long story short for those of you who don't know me (and none of you really know me), I contracted HSV2 from my ex girlfriend several years ago. She was upfront with me, and I took the chance. I lost the gamble - I was infected within the first month or two. I wasn't too upset about this, because I loved her and figured we'd stay together for a long time, with a strong possibility for marriage in the picture. The relationship lasted about 3 years, and eventually died out for various reasons (turns out we weren't as compatible as I thought). To this day I can't say that I truly regret it, because they were some of the best years of my life, despite the bouts of arguing and bullshit.

Anyway, since then I've been looking, in vain, for a new girlfriend. I had used all the dating sites, bombarded anything that came up on Craigslist, posted ads, etc. I think I got all of like, 3 replies, and none of them were interested. So I tried having the talk. That, too, ended in shame and disappointment. After a few rejections (one of which hit pretty hard, coming from someone I'd known for 10 years), I started to withdraw. I no longer entertained the idea of trying to find someone to accept me in the same way that I'd accepted my ex - it just didn't look like it was in my cards. I know I probably jumped the gun on that one, but the sting of rejection was getting sharper each time, and I really didn't want to expose myself again if I could help it.

After this, several things happened. I met someone on here (not gonna name names, obviously) from another state, and started talking via skype, phone, etc. We got along well, and we actually ended up talking for nearly 6 months. We talked about meeting in person, but nothing ever panned out. As the months drew on, I got a little distant - I was sick of having a virtual girlfriend that I'd never get to see, touch, hold, anything. It got harder and harder to commit phone/skype time to something that really didn't seem to be heading anywhere concrete. Not to mention the fact that I'm a full-time student, and when my last semester kicked in, I had very little free time as it was. There was also the fact that she had a ton of opportunities with guys there in real life, guys who were willing to look past HSV and be with her. We're talking dozens. On my end, I had virtually nothing. So it felt like I was really holding her back, and at the same time, it made me wonder what the hell I was doing wrong.

I ended up meeting someone on an HSV dating site (the only person, to this day, that's ever responded to me on any of those), and we hit it off. We hooked up for one night, and it seemed like everything was great. Afterward, she never called back. I'm not sure what went wrong, but I got the impression that she was looking for a one-night stand, not a relationship. In all honesty, that would've been fine with me, if she'd just told me upfront. But I was left feeling like shit - was I really so unappealing that even someone desperate (and she'd told me she was desperate at that point - she had played the rejection game too) wouldn't deem me important enough to call back?

Anyway, I ended up basically not talking to the long-distance girl anymore. I've messaged her a few times, and I think I get the hint. Honestly, it's my fault anyway. I wasn't much of a pseudo-boyfriend, even provided the limitations of extreme distance.

So that brings me to tonight. Someone actually responded to a craigslist ad, four weeks after it was originally posted (and she was the only response). I met her this evening. We drank, talked, etc. Over the course of the conversation, it became abundantly clear that she wasn't interested in anything but sex. She'd apparently made a habit out of fucking people on Positive Singles, and basically she was getting tired of having to drive several hours to get laid, and was looking for something local & steady. This was really offputting, but I didn't throw the idea out completely. I was willing to at least get some physical contact - something. I was starved for it.

Anyway, we got along pretty well. She laughed a lot, and it seemed like she was interested. But as the night drew on, she kept looking over at the clock. She finally said she had to leave at 1am because she needed sleep (despite the fact that earlier, she'd said that she had nothing to do the following day and basically was up for an all-nighter with me). So we stood up awkwardly and I walked her to the door. I offered to take her to her car and she refused, so I said goodnight. It's been a couple hours since then, and she's still online. I txted her and said I'd had fun, and she responded with "ok." This pissed me off, so I asked, "were you not feeling it?" and she never responded. So yeah, I'm not an idiot - I took the hint.

In all honesty, it's for the best that nothing happened. Just from hearing her stories, it was pretty clear that she was engaging in risky behavior, and it would've been stupid to expose myself to that. It was alarming to me that people with HSV could still have sex so casually, and confusing, as well - every ad I'd ever read on the dating sites was geared toward a committed relationship. The thought of having casual sex had long since vanished from my mind, since I'd never heard of, talked to, or read about any woman with HSV that was down for just sex with another infected partner. She might be an exception, though, because after reading through a ton of profiles again, there definitely aren't any women in MY state on those sites that want anything less than a full-blown relationship.

Anyway, I'm sorry this post is so fucking long, and I'm sure all of 2 people are going to read the whole thing. But yeah, I've basically resigned myself to my creative work, and to hell with women. I have hundreds of books inside of me, howling to be given form. Maybe being tortured and denied companionship is good for my writing, who knows. My spirit might suffer a bit, but aren't all the greatest poets a bit cracked?

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GntiNh

I read it all, twice, and I don't have anything to say so I'm sending you a hug.

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cookie1978

Here's your 2nd person...

I am truly sorry that you have gone through al that shit, herpes or not. And I don't think there's anything I can say to make you feel better anyways. So as G did, I am too sending you a big, tight hug.

*********HUGS TIGHT*********

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regret

pray about it ask for the type of girl you want

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herpescansuckit

some thoughts...

hey listentometalk...

i have some thoughts about this, which you may or may not be open to in your current mood, but you seem like a good person, so i feel like helping. my first impression came with your name...listentometalk...my guess is right now, you're feeling very bummed and self-centered. i don't mean this in the "mean" sense...i mean it litereally. i bet you're focusing a lot on yourself when you're interacting with these women -- especially the last one. just a guess. maybe you're coming off as depressed, negative, self-centered, and slightly...yep, i'm gonna say it...pathetic. this is NOT a turn-on to a woman -- even an apparently desperate one that just wants to get laid. by the description you gave, she sounded like she was bored and annoyed by you. examine this. why was that? what did you do on your date with her? did you spend the entire time talking about yourself and complaining to her? my guess is, yes.

here's my advice to you, bc i think that you could end up being a wonderful partner. first of all, yes...you would only be doing yourself a favor if you just took a break from women for awhile and focued only on making yourself happy sans females, just for a while. invest in yourself. take a class in something that's been interesting you lately. read some amazing books, start writing that book. get to the gym. do whatever you can do to enrich yourself for YOU. once you start liking yourself more and truly start feeling less miserable, women will evenually pick up on that and will be genuinely interested in you.

second bit: if you do go on more dates, FORCE yourself to spend more time listening than talking, listentometalk...get it? you want to impress a woman (or at least prevent her from running as fast as she can away from you)? listen to her. ask her questions about herself and her experience. come prepared with 20 questions in your head that you can just shoot off one after the other, that require more than yes/no answers. resist the temptation to wax on and on about your situation, even if it exactly mirrors hers...at least on the first date. if you do this, she will be much more into you, and then you may just get the chance to spill your guts out to her at a later date.

i hope i'm not sounding too harsh, but i think you need a jolt out of your pity fest -- it'll do you some good. take care of YOU. build yourSELF up first. get back to being comfortable with yourself. then the ladies will naturally gravitate toward you. and when that happens, focus all of your attention on them at first and resist the temptation to drone on and on about your past and your present. you will see that if you do those things, your situation will change for the better, and i want it to, bc you seem like a great guy.

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listentometalk

You definitely weren't being harsh, Herpescansuckit. You're pretty much right on all counts, except for how the date went. It's true that since breaking up with my ex, I've been pretty bitter and negative, and yeah, I've been on a pity party. There are a lot of things that've contributed to that besides HSV, but as everyone here knows, the Herps definitely exacerbates any troubles you may have already had. Basically, my life before my last big relationship was much, much different, and I'm dealing with living a completely different lifestyle.

But yeah, as for last night - I really didn't go on and on about myself all that much. For the most part, it was an even conversation - I did some talking, she did some talking. We talked about the internet, gyms, parties, music, sex, etc. Herpes did come up a few times, but it was mostly me prying to see how often she did this sort of thing, and I got my answer. I'd guess I probably did slip up, though, when I mentioned how hard it's been to get in contact with anyone on any of the dating sites or craigslist. She obviously doesn't have that kind of trouble, since she has a veritable buffet of men at her beck and call. Neither has any other woman I've talked to, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't resent it. So I may have come off as a little resentful when I said that, but it just came out. As for boredom, though, I honestly got the impression that she either wasn't physically attracted to me, or that she was getting sick of all the talking and felt like we were wasting time not having sex. I wasn't making a move, because I was kind of enjoying our conversation (and I assumed there would be plenty of time later for that, anyway). There's also the fact that she mentioned her last 10 fuckbuddies having massive cocks, which kind of made me a little uneasy about the whole thing. Seriously, that's the worst possible thing you could say to a guy to ease him into making the first move, lol.

The first encounter with the other girl from the dating site was a lot different, and a thousand times better. We had a lot in common, and we spent at least 5 or so hours drinking and talking and laughing. She told me I'd been a lot better than she was expecting, and she made the first move. The only trouble came when I started mentioning a "next time". She suddenly had to leave when I said that. And I pretty much killed it completely afterward by sending her a sweet text about her smile. It took like 4 days to get a response, and it was the last I ever got. So I'm guessing I came off as needy, desperate, or maybe even in love. I find that strange, though - why shouldn't a person be excited when they like someone? Why should you have to play the 'tough guy' and act like you don't give a shit and could do better?

So yeah. Aside from those 2 real-life encounters, though, I've pretty much been a force of negativity for anyone who's come in contact with me online that knew about HSV. I got to the point where I started to really resent the women I'd been talking to, because they were still dating like it ain't no thang, like there was never any STD involved. And it's really hard to NOT sound negative when you start to resent the person you're talking to.

So basically, you're right. I need to just shut the fuck up and stop asking people for their advice or opinions on my situation. I need to stop trying to talk to people online, and start maybe trying to build up some armor when it comes to rejection & the talk. Having to try to find people online and make it work despite having nothing in common besides an STD is an ego-crusher, and it can't be doing me any good. Eventually I'll reach a point where I'm fine by myself and I'll stop being so wistful & longing, and, ironically, that seems to be the point at which women fawn over you the most - when you don't need them.

And thanks for the hugs, guise.

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GntiNh

Come and chat in live chat, we don't always talk about hs, mostly food and sex actually. Hope to see you soon :wavey:

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herpescansuckit

listentometalk,

sounds like the people you should *really* be resenting are all the apparently indicscriminate dewds out there...not the lovely hsv+ girls that are easily laid by them! heehee! WORD.

i was glad to see that you weren't pissed off by my ponderings about your situation. just forget about us women for a while and go out and have yourself some FUN, okay? call up some of your guy friends and go do some guy things and swear off women for a while.

we're nothin but trouble anyway.

:)

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AquariusAngel

Hi Listentometalk,

I completely agree with what herpescansuckit wrote. I had started to think the same thing when I read your post yesterday. The fact that you right now, concentrate to much on the negativeness of your situation. I would also have given you that same advice - build to make your life better for YOU right now. It is important to be in a good place with yourself before you can be the best person you can be for someone else. That is really important. I couldn't also help but think with your post that you were trying too hard. Trying this and that website, going on a date here and there, you would be surprised how much that can really show. You do sound very sweet and genuine and one day some girl is really going to appreciate all those beautiful qualities in you but let it happen naturally. The old saying is 'you don't find love, love finds you' and it is very true.

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gotitsowhat

Ease up

on the pressure you are putting on yourself. Consider not dating for a while. Find something you really enjoy doing that involves other people and do that. Something like a sport, swimming, bicycling, gardening or an art or dance class, a creative writing group, a campaign for a candidate, whatever floats your boat. Let yourself meet people in a less pressured way; half of all people are women. Good luck!

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listentometalk

Thanks. This may be a little personal, even for this site, but I was recently diagnosed with Inattentive-Type A.D.D., and I've been taking stimulant meds for it. In retrospect, I'm realizing that the meds seem to have contributed to a lot of my negativity and depression in these posts and in my dealings with people in general.

Basically when I crash from the medication, I get extremely depressed for a few hours, then perk up again until I go to sleep. A lot of my angst over dating with HSV is genuine, but a lot of it seems to be unfounded, for the most part. I normally don't obsess over getting a girlfriend (in all honesty, most of the time I don't even want one). I probably sound like one of those desperate girls that bring up marriage on the first date.

Anyway, just wanted to provide a little explanation. It hit me earlier today that that's what's been happening, every day at the same time for the last month or so. I'm gonna have to either try an alternative treatment or up my dosage so that I don't crash until I'm in bed, ready to go to sleep. But yeah - anyone reading my posts would think I'm a total nutjob, and I'm really not.

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