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FiorellaKW

2 days into this mess

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FiorellaKW

So, I'm 21 years old, and I had HSV2 diagnosed yesterday. I'm in new york for the summer and I've only been here 3 weeks, still have 3 more to go. Last week, I got drunk and slept with a guy without using protection. Yesterday I had to go to the emergency room to see the doctor tell me dead on what she thought it was. Now my problem besides de pain, the blisters and such is not living with the disease... I have a boyfriend and this is the first time I've ever cheated on him... god help me... it kills me just to say this. I'm still waiting for the results to come up but I'm already on Valtrex, it seems like it's progressing well... but I'm in the middle of my life's crusade... what should I do about the man that I love the most in my life? should I just break up with him disguising it as an emotional situation, tell him I don't love him anymore? should I just tell him and hope he forgives me and still sees a way of being with me? Keep in mind I live in the very judgmental Dominican Republic, where this type of things even thou common are never disclosed. I really don't want to tell him, and I'm really still praying for negative results... but I have to face the music and see al the possibilities, I don't want to loose him and I know myself I might just lie my teeth out before I actually have to face him and tell him what I did.

Then there's the other subject of THE FAMILY... they'll be so disappointed I don't think I'm ever going to tell them, I just have to make sure I make enough money now and move out of the house ASAP so they wont suspect.

My best friend and now whoever it's reading this, is the only one that knows I'm waiting for those results and I might not tell her if they come out positive, not because she wouldn't support me with the disease but just because she would want me to leave my boyfriend.

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herpescansuckit

i'd be cautious...

hey FiorellaKW,

i usually advise people to be VERY CAUTIOUS about who they tell. first, your beloved boyfriend...he has not been exposed by you to hsv since you (presumably) contracted it. you have 2 options:

1. tell him what you did. see if he stays with you. unlikely. more likely he'll be PISSSSED and tell everyone you all know.

2. don't tell him what you did and just break up with him. tell him you met someone else and want to call it off bc you don't want to hurt him. all true.

what you CANNOT do is not tell him and still stay with him.

as for your family. DO NOT TELL THEM. they do NOT need to know. your best friend didn't need to know, either. i haven't told my best friend or my family. the only people that know (besides random medical personnel) are my two most recent sexual partners. THESE are the people you need to tell -- anyone that can be directly affected by your genital herpes must be told.

other than that; i'd keep it to myself if i were you. just remember, you can't untell someone something, and you have no way to control those that you DO tell your new (presumably positive) status to. this is your personal medical information. especially given what you said about the DR and their attitudes toward these things. just spend lots of time on this site -- there are thousands of people who are in your exact same boat and will give you all the advice and support and information you'll ever need.

good luck and let us know how things progress for you!!!

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RealisticGal

A quick question --- how were you ultimately diagnosed? Did you get a lesion swabbed and cultured in the ER?

I agree with a lot of what hssi has to say, though I am not quite as pessimistic about your boyfriend's reaction. It all depends on how well you know him and how important he is to you. If he is someone you feel could be "the one," then that should mean you can trust him enough to tell him the truth about what you did.

Honestly, the greater of the two evils here is the infidelity --- as opposed to getting herpes in the bargain. If he could potentially forgive you cheating on him, he ought to be able to deal with the additional gift.

But if not, you might save yourself the agony and just go ahead with a split for unspecified reasons. It will likely cause him some pain, of course. But so will the truth.

The truth, however, is what needs to be told if you want to stay with him.

I totally agree that you need not tell your family or anyone else besides potential intimate partners and medical personnel. This is your private medical information.

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Gingergirl

I'm in the same situation. I'm waiting test results too. I have a boyfriend, but it has distance and time issues along with a lack of intimacy and sex, so I turned to a couple of "friend with benefits". We had sex, oral and vaginal (always with a condom), but soon after having seen both partners, my lip erupted into a cold sore. I told them about it, but in the meantime, a lesion of some sort has appeared on my genitals. I had it cultured today, but haven't told them anything about this new development until the results come back. So now I'm afraid I exposed them to HSV1 genitally, and they bounced it back to me through giving me oral sex. They are PISSED and worried, to say the least, and I doubt I will see either of them ever again. I still have not said anything to my BF (he knows about the oral HSV and we had a similar experience with an unannounced outbreak the day after oral sex). Since our relationship was on shaky ground to begin with, if this does turn out to be HSV1 in the genitals, I will end it with him (BTW - He and I haven't been together in over a month, so I feel he is safe) without telling him. If this is HSV and not some other irritation (the doctor was probably just trying to calm me down when he said it didn't look like herpes), I don't know how I will tell these other partners. For all I know, they could have passed it to me from some oral exposure they never told me about. Since it's been over 13 days for the one partner and over 10 days with the other (since the possible ORAL exposure took place) and they aren't having any issues, I feel they are in the clear, and it will only be with potential future partners that I will need to share this with. But again, you and I, Fiorella, are really putting all the negative out there before we know for certain. I guess optimism is the most important thing here. I'm very glad I found this site, regardless of what the test results say, because I was so naive about telling my partners about the oral herpes and have learned a lesson just from all the research I've done and how clear and informative everyone is.

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FiorellaKW

The diagnose

Realisticgal I'm not yet officially diagnosed with herpes, I also got tested for Syphilis and Ghonorrea, I'm really wishing for Syphilis if I may say so because it has a cure and this can just turn out to be a bad episode in the past.

I don't want to leave my boyfriend, I don't know if I'll tell him or not to be honest. I'm only human, and this is how selfish I know I can be. I know it's wrong but so was cheating. I'm really unsure about what his reaction might be, he'll never believe I dunno how I got it so there goes an initial plan of a desperate person.

He has not been expose by me, and I wish he'll never be, but once again I'm selfish... I'm just praying for the best, this is one of the cases when no news it's good news... when it comes to the results... I still have three days to panic and freak out.

Last night I went to bed praying, just to feel comfortable and it worked. I can't even remember how I fell asleep. But I do have a question. I was both orally and vaginally exposed to the virus, I thought I was coming up with something in my mouth but it was a false alarm... is it possible? or could Ijust be incubating the virus in my mouth.

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regret

its hard to say,, but many people have the virus and dont even know they carry it until it shows itself moths,years later,, your boyfriend should get checked have his blood drawn,, he could have it who knows,,guys especially rarely know if they have the virus cuz they dont get bad symptoms like woman do,,

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MissRNC

Wow. My heart goes out to you...I hope your test comes back negative.

However just a couple of thoughts...

1) You can have 'protected sex' and still get herpes. This is because while the most common place for a man to get a herpes lesion is on the penis itself...this is not always the case. It can also be on the pelvis, thigh or buttocks. A condom cannot cover all of those areas. Also, most people only put the condom on before penetration....and not during foreplay. Yet another opportunity to spread the virus.

2) You should be proud that you are getting tested. My family is from Jamaica, and I lived in Miami for years...so I understand Latin-American/Caribbean culture. The men have 'this thing' about getting tested for STDs. Yet they tend to be promiscuous. It is a recipie for disaster basically. In fact AIDS is a serious problem in those countries because people just aren't into getting tested for STDs.

I have tested positive for HSV-1. I have had two outbreaks in the past 10 months and they all were just one lesion at a time...pretty small. I don't have an SO right now. Also I had to request the herpes test myself. I would not be surprised if 80% of the population has either HSV-1, HSV-2 or both.

Perhaps you can suggest that your boyfriend get tested as well. Don't take his word for it...ask to see the results on paper. You both may be surprised by what you find!

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Gingergirl

I have had an epiphany of sorts the last couple of days. I have experienced symptoms like this before - now that I seriously think about it - for several years - a small scratch like abrasion in the labial fold without any other signs, except for that it burns and itches. I had discussed this with my OB/GYN in the past and attributed it to elastic from my underwear abrading the area, and a fungal/bacterial issue called puritis ani. She knew my boyfriend at the time had oral HSV but never connected the dots, and neither did I. Now I realize this new problem has the exact same symptoms, but it's on the other side, still in the labial fold, but the one nearest my inner thigh, not between the outer and inner labia! I have been so worried about a recent episode or transmission, but now realize I could have had this for years! If the results come back positive, I am certain this is the case. I never went to see the doctor previously because I was confident in her assessment of what it was, and the cream she prescribed did seem to heal it up. But because this is a new site, it is much more uncomfortable that previously and looks more distinctively like herpes. Now the guilt comes flooding in. I was with my BF for 5 years, we broke up last year and I have had several lovers in between. I have always used condoms, and quite frankly, would not have sex if there was any discomfort in the area. But the virus, if it is herpes, would have still been present. Now I feel stupid, naiive, ill informed and should have demanded my ob/gyn culture the area the first time it came up. I have also sent an anonomyous message to my ex that he has to educate himself about his oral herpes and the risk of transmitting it to the genitals. I wouldn't allow him to give me oral sex very often because his lip would break out without notice, but in 5 yrs., it happened more than once. My recent oral outbreak must have triggered the virus to become active again genitally, in this new location. That's all I can handle thinking about at this time. I still have one more day to get my results and I now believe even more strongly that this is NOT my first outbreak. Since the issues I had in the past on the other side of the labia seemed nothing like the sores I would get on my lips, I NEVER made the connection and demanded testing. Now I have to explain it to the man I've just recently broke up with that he may have it too. We were together for almost a year and didn't always use condoms. He knows about the oral cold sores, and has never had a problem with them, but I don't think either one of us truly appreciated the risk involved. I feel so sick to my stomach and can't believe how I've messed up. I'm smarter than this, I should have made the connection sooner. How do I deal with the guilt and stupidity?

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MissRNC
I have had an epiphany of sorts the last couple of days. I have experienced symptoms like this before - now that I seriously think about it - for several years - a small scratch like abrasion in the labial fold without any other signs, except for that it burns and itches. I had discussed this with my OB/GYN in the past and attributed it to elastic from my underwear abrading the area, and a fungal/bacterial issue called puritis ani. She knew my boyfriend at the time had oral HSV but never connected the dots, and neither did I. Now I realize this new problem has the exact same symptoms, but it's on the other side, still in the labial fold, but the one nearest my inner thigh, not between the outer and inner labia! I have been so worried about a recent episode or transmission, but now realize I could have had this for years! If the results come back positive, I am certain this is the case. I never went to see the doctor previously because I was confident in her assessment of what it was, and the cream she prescribed did seem to heal it up. But because this is a new site, it is much more uncomfortable that previously and looks more distinctively like herpes. Now the guilt comes flooding in. I was with my BF for 5 years, we broke up last year and I have had several lovers in between. I have always used condoms, and quite frankly, would not have sex if there was any discomfort in the area. But the virus, if it is herpes, would have still been present. Now I feel stupid, naiive, ill informed and should have demanded my ob/gyn culture the area the first time it came up. I have also sent an anonomyous message to my ex that he has to educate himself about his oral herpes and the risk of transmitting it to the genitals. I wouldn't allow him to give me oral sex very often because his lip would break out without notice, but in 5 yrs., it happened more than once. My recent oral outbreak must have triggered the virus to become active again genitally, in this new location. That's all I can handle thinking about at this time. I still have one more day to get my results and I now believe even more strongly that this is NOT my first outbreak. Since the issues I had in the past on the other side of the labia seemed nothing like the sores I would get on my lips, I NEVER made the connection and demanded testing. Now I have to explain it to the man I've just recently broke up with that he may have it too. We were together for almost a year and didn't always use condoms. He knows about the oral cold sores, and has never had a problem with them, but I don't think either one of us truly appreciated the risk involved. I feel so sick to my stomach and can't believe how I've messed up. I'm smarter than this, I should have made the connection sooner. How do I deal with the guilt and stupidity?

Try not to beat yourself up. Not only are none of us born as experts in herpes; but there is a lot of conflicting information out there coming from those who ARE supposed to be the experts! :rolleyes:

I think another part of the problem is when you look online, you see only the most terrible cases of herpes in pictures. So when you get a small pimple, abrasion, paper cut, etc....you don't think 'herpes' immediately. It takes a very brave and rational person to say "Ok, this does not seem right. Let me find out what this is."

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Gingergirl

Thank you so much for the support and kind words. It does make me feel better to know that this is probably the result of a long term monogamous relationship, instead of retribution from my recent acting out bad behavior because of a current difficult relationship - not that it changes the end result or the responsibility I bear. And it may make telling my most recent boyfriend about what has happened a little easier, as he knew my ex and saw him with these cold sores. When my lip broke out awhile ago, he actually said, "I bet G--- gave those to you!" and I had to explain, that no, I'd had them for 20 or more years.

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Gingergirl

So, my culture was negative, what a relief, but now I have no idea what the heck goes on with my labial folds! It's happened on the one side repeatedly over the years, which led me to believe it was an old exposure from my ex that I was with a long time who had HSV1. Now it's happening on the other side. I'm glad it's not herpes, but I still need to get to the bottom of what's going on and in the future need to be more aware of my own oral HSV and what problems it can cause. I told my most recent BF about my concerns that it was herpes (even tho we aren't together anymore), from my ex BF, and he was very cool about it, but told me not to worry until the results come back. He's relieved but said he really didn't think it was, since we were together for a year and never had any problems. So I'm clear, except for the oral HSV, but newly single, and am going to be more up front about it with potential partners in the future.

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gotitsowhat

Hmmm...

Glad to know your blood test came back negative but....you probably will need another blood test in 3 months; herpes often takes several months to show the antibodies on the blood test. I would get another one just to be sure. Also glad to know you are going to be a more educated lover--herpes scares do that! Best of luck to you. Hope that next blood test is also negative.

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FiorellaKW

Brainy, my swab test came out negative, but that can also throw a false negative so I'm taking the blood test in 3 months

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      Having HSV-2 has not bothered me at all for casual sex. I'm just avoiding sex during outbreaks, on suppressive therapy and using condoms every time with casual partners. Since my outbreaks appear on top of my penis, even during an outbreak the risk is minimal if I put a condom on as soon as I take my underwear off.  I guess it might be a slightly different case for a girl as if you have external lesions around your groin you could still infect someone even using a condom. And of course, condoms can break, which has happened to me over 10 times and caused myself to get infected in the first place.  I see it as a much more difficult now having a serious relationship, because I can't feel much with a condom on and really want stop using them. However, I don't want to put my new girlfriend to any risk - I would feel terrible if I infected her. 
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