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boo32

Ready to Date?

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boo32

Hey All,

I still am struggling with the thought of ever having to tell someone I have this virus (GHSV-1). Although I've read everything I can about the virus and what-not, I still feel a bit 'in the dark' about some things, especially about feeling prepared and having the right kind of facts and knowledge about it. I was diagnosed in April and haven't had a outbreak since, or so I believe. I can't say that I know what any prodromal signs feel like, or what things may be a trigger to me, or that I know how likely I could spread it to someone (especially through receiving oral). This really worries me because from what I've read, most people seem to know their bodies' responses to the virus really well and that puts their partners' minds at ease. I feel at a huge disavantage because of this, and it depresses me to think that maybe I'm just not ready to date someone, but then will I ever be if I don't have the opportunity to find these things out? Also, I'm not even sure if I could end up having this orally too, so that's another thing that scares me...not knowing I have it and transmitting it to someone else (obviously). I'd really not like to think that I have to pass up any interest that's directed my way, but that's how I've been feeling about things. Any advice is much appreciate! Thanks!

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lostyourLOVE

Same boat

Hey All,

I still am struggling with the thought of ever having to tell someone I have this virus (GHSV-1). Although I've read everything I can about the virus and what-not, I still feel a bit 'in the dark' about some things, especially about feeling prepared and having the right kind of facts and knowledge about it. I was diagnosed in April and haven't had a outbreak since, or so I believe. I can't say that I know what any prodromal signs feel like, or what things may be a trigger to me, or that I know how likely I could spread it to someone (especially through receiving oral). This really worries me because from what I've read, most people seem to know their bodies' responses to the virus really well and that puts their partners' minds at ease. I feel at a huge disavantage because of this, and it depresses me to think that maybe I'm just not ready to date someone, but then will I ever be if I don't have the opportunity to find these things out? Also, I'm not even sure if I could end up having this orally too, so that's another thing that scares me...not knowing I have it and transmitting it to someone else (obviously). I'd really not like to think that I have to pass up any interest that's directed my way, but that's how I've been feeling about things. Any advice is much appreciate! Thanks!

Hey, I'm in exactly the same boat as you ! I was diagnosed earlier this year in late April with GHSV-1 and have yet to have a second outbreak. I don't know how you're first OB was but mine was AWFUL and lasted about 3 weeks. It was something I never wanted to experience again. As anyone who got diagnosed would, I researched a bunch about the disease and joined this forum. A couple weeks ago I *thought* I felt some "tingling" in my vagina so I took all of my Acyclovir prescription. I didn't show any signs and I'm not even sure if that was the prodromal symptoms. I get nervous and I'm always using hand sanitizer because I never know when the virus is on my skin.

I read somewhere that some people only experience the initial OB and never have one again (lucky bastards!), and also that some people experience 2,3, or 4 OBs a year (that could be our case possibly) While I am thankful that I haven't had to feel the pain of another OB, I would like to know my symptoms so I could prevent transmitting it to any partners.

It's still early we've only been living with the virus for 2.5 - 3.5 months your symptoms may creep up on you !

About dating: I'm sure that if you explain to your potential partner that there will ALWAYS be a risk of transmission. Even if it's extremely low. There are people who are asymptomatic who are in healthy relationships without transmitting. Just take proper precaution and use barriers and that should lower the risk even more :)

Till then, idk about anyone else, but I'm grateful for my lack of a post-initial OB and I dread it's arrival. If it never comes, I wont complain LOL !

Best of luck !

:wavey:

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SummerGal

It's OK to not know everything about this. You'll learn more about the virus, and how your body reacts to it, over time. I don't necessarily get prodromal symptoms with my genital outbreaks, and I do sometimes worry about that. But on the other hand I've theoretically had herpes for a few years before I was diagnosed, and to my knowledge I haven't passed it onto anyone, even though I wasn't exactly safe 100% of the time.

I've been fortunate in that I recently met someone who doesn't care, and I've done my best to give him the sources I use to base my opinion off of. I think I've been more worried about this than he has really. But he has said that he trusts me to keep his interests at heart, and I've done that to the best of my ability.

Dating is hard, and dating with something that can be as psychologically difficult as herpes is really hard. The best thing to do is focus on taking care of yourself, mentally and physically. It's OK to not be ready to date for a while, you might even meet someone when you're not looking.

The talk is always difficult to prep for, and as worked up as people (including myself) get over it, there's really not much to it (unless you screw up and expose them before letting them know).

Some people will be accepting, and others will not be. I've dealt with quite a few cruel fellows in my time, even before dealing with herpes. If someone rejects you over herpes, they're really not worth it. It's understandable that herpes might be a dealbreaker for some people, but if it is then at least they're not wasting your time stringing you along. I spent 8 or 9 months in a relationship that went nowhere because herpes was a dealbreaker for the person I was with and wouldn't admit it to himself or to me until there wasn't anything left of the relationship. Granted, I should have stood up for myself and left when I understood what was going on.

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boo32

Thanks so much for the replies! I really appreciate the help.

As an update though, the reason I had asked the question was because there was actually someone I was developing feelings for, and I just had no idea what to do. We recently became somewhat intimate, so to say, kissing and mutual stimulation with hands. Nothing further though, there is NO WAY I would have let it. But now I am feeling a bit upset...is this something I should be worried about having done? I didn't think using hands would be anything bad to do, as I have GHSV-1 and haven't had an outbreak since my primary one in April (and I'm sure I wasn't having warning signs of an outbreak at the time either). But, did I just put myself in a bad situation? I know full well that I have to tell him very soon, and am trying to prepare myself in doing that, before things go any further. But my question is, was this already a mistake I made, in getting intimate at all? And is it actually bad to use hands, without telling them first? Should I even address the fact that we used hands (and it was ok) when I'm having 'the talk' with him? (I.e. is it something worth mentioning that it was ok to do at the time, in case he is weirded out by having already done it?)

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SomeUnoriginalName

Here's my take on this. Yes, you should have disclosed prior to being that intimate. Yes, you should explain that there is little to no risk of transmitting the virus through that means...assuming he didn't touch you and then touch himself immediately or some such. You can't change what has already happened, but you should tell him sooner rather than later. Just my two cents.

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      Having HSV-2 has not bothered me at all for casual sex. I'm just avoiding sex during outbreaks, on suppressive therapy and using condoms every time with casual partners. Since my outbreaks appear on top of my penis, even during an outbreak the risk is minimal if I put a condom on as soon as I take my underwear off.  I guess it might be a slightly different case for a girl as if you have external lesions around your groin you could still infect someone even using a condom. And of course, condoms can break, which has happened to me over 10 times and caused myself to get infected in the first place.  I see it as a much more difficult now having a serious relationship, because I can't feel much with a condom on and really want stop using them. However, I don't want to put my new girlfriend to any risk - I would feel terrible if I infected her. 
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      Does anyone have experience about people's reactions to Herpes in Asia? Personally I live in Thailand where I also caught the virus as a condom broke 4 years ago.  Unfortunately I infected my ex-girlfriend with HSV-2. This was just after I had caught the virus myself and we had sex before I noticed and realised what it was. In the beginning, a local doctor told me I have just hurt my foreskin with my jeans' zipper and the tests came as negative. After getting tested later it came as positive.  Anyways, my ex-gf (well educated, professional, 26 years old then) she had no idea what Herpes was in the first place. She didn't really care too much about it and didn't bother to get tested. During our 3 year relationship we kept having unprotected sex as usual and she never had any issues until at the end one day. She had a very minor outbreak once and nothing after that (lucky her, no like myself who gets terrible symptoms non-stop). I know she has a strong immune system, because she was never sick despite myself having bad colds quite often. In any case, she could not care less about this virus and didn't mind at all.

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