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casual sex?! uh yeah thanx for the advice

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hey there. so i've been single for about 9 mos. but still working through some issues from an unhealthy relationship...and to be honest, still trying to get over her. and EVERY ONE of my friends / coworkers /etc has the same advice. "just date! keep it casual! have fun!" basically they are saying: just fuck around.

wtf?! uh sure guys, just one little thing... i have hsv2!!!

and i stopped taking daily suppressive meds after i broke up with my ex because 1) if i'm not in a ltr i don't want to destroy my kidneys/liver with meds and 2) i'd rather use diet/exercise/stress reduction to combat my hsv2, not just take a pill twice a day and continue eating junk, being lazy and stressed...

so here i am a single guy and not even on suppressive meds. so of course i'm scared shitless to even go on a date with someone, much less get naked with them.

i slept with one girl right after i broke up with the ex. i had "the talk" with her and she was cool with it, but it was AFTER we'd drunkenly hooked up and i'd made her come five or six times... if we'd had the talk before hooking up at all, i dunno if she'd be so cool with it. (also things fizzled and she stopped picking up the phone when i called, so of course i got paranoid that it was b/c she decided against sleeping with a guy with hsv2.)

since then i haven't slept with anyone. i've had one or two weird or awful dates where either i didn't make a move out of the forementioned fear, or else did make a move but got solidly rejected.

so... i don't know exactly what i'm getting at here except i'm incredibly frustrated and lonely, and it Pisses Me Right Off to get this advice to "sleep around and have fun" from grinning friends who have no idea that i have hsv2. :madd:

and after many months of no OBs, i have had prodomal pains about three times in the last month -- i'm sure it's from stress (i've been thinking about the ex a lot & not sleeping enough)... but it makes it even harder to feel like "oh it's okay i've got this thing under control / my chances of passing it on are minimal."

and this forum is great and everything - but it kind of worries me to see all these posts from ladies who've had "the talk" and the guy was cool with it... but not very many AT ALL from guys. in general ladies have a much much much easier time finding people who want to have sex with them than guys. so maybe i'm being paranoid and negative (ok there's no maybe about it :rolleyes: )but it just seems like for guys, the landscape is especially bleak, because any girl you like probably has 5 other guys lined up who don't have to have "the talk" or even worry about this shit.

ok. i'm sorry for the rant and i wish i had something useful to say here but i think i just needed to vent.

anyone got any positive words or advice? gentlemen - i'm looking at you here :confused:

thanx for reading this

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I'm a dude in the same relationship that I got the herps. But I think about how hard it would be to date if I were single now with this. So I get what you're talking about. I've read that a lot more women have herpes than men. So I'm assuming guys are in high demand on the herpes dating websites. That's where I'd go.

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some things to think about...

Hey persevere,

I completely understand where you are coming from and what you are feeling.

There are a few things to think about which I wanted to bring to your attention.

1 in 4 people have HSV. Positive Singles is a great site to meet women and some dating sites are just for people with Herpes. Positive Singles has people with HIV and HPV. Everyone is upfront with what they have. Cureplease is right. There are a lot more women with HSV than men so you will be in demand. I joined Positive Singles and put up nice picture (visible only to my favorites) and every girl/woman I e-mailed e-mailed me back. You already are bonded together for going through this, which in a strange way is kinda nice. Especially if she is cute.

In terms of your friend or co-workers that are telling you to go sleep around. They don't really know what they are talking about, they are just trying to say in a nice way life is about having a lot of experiences. The truth is if they were in your shoes HSV or not they would have a difficult time getting over the pain of the relationship too.

Also sex is great and all but it really doesn't compare to being in a relationship that is worthwhile. Ultimately that is one of the joys in life, not the empty fantasy we are sold as kids about living in the playboy mansion.

Also having HSV can be freeing. I've found that there is a lot less pressure when I do meet someone and I really would like to get to know them before I have sex with them. You are in control not the other way around.

Hang in there. I've found prayer to be helpful as well as meditating. This is an experience that is painful but will deepen your soul and lead you to finding a lasting partner and make you herculean strong when it comes to dealing with the things that happen in life.

I hope this helps.

- billy

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sex is easier

I agree that women have an easier time being excepted with non H partners when it comes to sex. I believe this is the only part. With that being said, women usually have a more difficult time with ob's. Sex is great but once the newness of the relationship wears off the playing field is equal. Think of this disease as a way of forcing you to focus on the more meaningful aspects of a relationship. Be patient (better said than done) and focus on things that you enjoy doing. I hope this helps :)

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hey bro i know exactly how you feel. im about a month in, and up to this point i have had a pretty healthy sexlife. one that i don't want to give up! so i'm still mulling it over cause its a lot to think about. your not the only one. this shit is something to think about. check out my thread "so many thoughts"

good luck brotha

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Pretty much 90% of dudes with HSV2 are in your boat, bud. Like others have said, just bombard the STD dating sites and hit Craigslist often, and respond to anyone and everyone. I wouldn't necessarily turn down dates in real life, but you gotta be careful to give them the talk early on, before things get physical (which can happen extremely fast, I know). And be mindful of who you tell - if they're a coworker, friend of the family, etc., I'd just give them an excuse for not having instead of telling them, unless you're cool with everyone knowing.

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it is soo not easier for girls i think girls just post more on here so it seems that way but there are tons of non-herps girls out there why would a non-herp guy ruin his life for a girls with hsv. trust me there are plenty of girls w/ and without herps that will be cool with it dont stress

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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