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Doc Holiday

Has HSV2 and feel's trapped in my current relationship with partner who also has HSV2

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Doc Holiday

I'm currently in a sexual relationship with the person I may have passed on to or caught HSV2 from. We both got our first ob at the same time and around the same time found out we both have HSV2. I don't know if I had it and passed it on to her not knowing I was infected, if she's lying and had it in the first place, or if she had it and didn't know about it. We talked civil about the situation and decided to not end our relationship on bad terms and continue talking.

Shortly after we talked and express our emotions we were back at it again with the sex. I don't know how she feels but it's like F it we both already got it so we might as well get it in anyways. I'm still a little sore about catching it and feel's like blaming her for the situation we're in. After all she is the first chick I've had sex with unprotected and what do you know 4 days later I have an STD. FML :sad:

I don't want to tell her this but that's how I feel and I think it's taking a tole on our relationship on my part of the end. Sometimes I just want to say look I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but I don't want to hurt her feelings and am scared that if we do part who would want to be in a relationship with me now that I have a lifelong STD? I still have feelings for her and don't want to break her heart cause not only do I feel animosity towards her but I feel like I'm responsible for this whole situation and owe her something. I'm basically blaming her and myself at the same time and can't seem to just let it go and move on in life.

For me it's like the chemistry isn't there for me and the sex on her end is just O.K.. I know that I satisfy her 100% with the sex(not being cocky, she's told me this) but I don't know how she feels toward me in a non sexual way. Like am I fun to be around, do we share the same interest, can you talk to me about anything, you know boyfriend material. For all I know she feels the same way about me and is like the sex is good and now that I have HSV2 why would I risk losing possibly the only sex partner I can get for the rest of my life. Like we're both forced to carry out and per long this relationship only for sex.

We've been in a relationship for almost 3 months now and we were both diagnosed with HSV2 like 3 weeks into the relationship(ain't that a b*tch, fol(f*ck our lives)). Since our last talk about a month ago we haven't even mentioned what we have. It's like we don't even have it! I haven't had an outbreak since and I'm guessing she hasn't either. I feel scared, desperate, angry, pity, and foolish all at the same time. I can just imagine how I would feel if I wasn't in a relationship with her seeking one. Who would want to have sex with me after I tell them I have an STD? I don't know about where you all are from, but where I come from a man telling a woman he has an STD that she could possibly catch before having sex will end in a GTFO, hell no scenario. Hell I'd be lucky if she doesn't expose me to people I know.

:sadfacetoday:

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Anonymous97

I totally feel you DOC

I live on a small island in the caribbean where everybody knows everybody and their mama. Cant go around airing your laundry. my advice to you is, just stay where you are and give her the benefit of the doubt. herpes is something that can live in your body for months or even years before you even know you have it. then one day your defenses are down due to stress, injury, medication, or something and you get your first outbreak.

All the best in your relationship and Gob bless you.

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RealisticGal

Yuck.

Don't base a decision to stay in a relationship on something that makes you feel trapped without any other options, be it herpes or anything else. If you truly aren't feeling it, let it go.

Why would the other person in the relationship want that? I mean, if they knew you were only with them because you felt you had no other choice??? Blech.

There are always other options.

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Doc Holiday

I don't know if it's because of the whole STD thing or me just not feeling it anymore. I'm just confused and an emotional wreck right now.

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elmerette

dont ever "settle"!!!!!!!! There is to much life out there. I'm in a different situation. I'm in love with my giver, who has made it clear that I'm pretty much not her type. Reason I'm staying is because I do love her and I tend to be an optimist. On this one thing anyways. Best of luck to you. If I thought she was staying with me because of just the H, I wouldnt be there...

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Anonymous97

What options?

Half the people who visit this site are single and hopeless, just like me. I would give almost anything to be in a relationship right now. I know what I'm missing so I would cherish the person I am with. Maybe I can't see past my overwhelming loneliness, but that's how I feel right now.

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Amalia

Doc, this stuff is an emotional roller coaster. What were the things that originally made her attractive to you? Are those qualities still there? If you took H out of the equation, would you still be with her? Not sure what I am trying to get at here but maybe just take it one day at a time. In time it will become clearer to you both. Your heart will tell you what is the right move for you. Remember, you can leave for the wrong reasons and stay for the wrong reasons too. Time is the great equalizer.

PS You mentioned you guys don't talk about H? I wonder if it would help if your did talk about it.

Sharing your feelings, experiences etc might be helpful for both of you. The "elephant" is in the

room, Doc. Might as well deal....

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RealisticGal
I don't know if it's because of the whole STD thing or me just not feeling it anymore. I'm just confused and an emotional wreck right now.

You definitely sound like you are a mess, Doc. I just read another of your posts where you mention a vast change in your personal habits, including letting your personal hygiene go south.

That speaks very strongly of depression to me. Please seek out some help before things get worse. Perhaps one of the support groups could be useful to you.

And please stay here and talk to us. I believe it will help you get your head around this.

Here's a link to finding local support groups:

Local Support Group finder

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RealisticGal

Here's the options/hope

Half the people who visit this site are single and hopeless, just like me. I would give almost anything to be in a relationship right now. I know what I'm missing so I would cherish the person I am with. Maybe I can't see past my overwhelming loneliness, but that's how I feel right now.

I think a large proportion of the posts on here come from newly diagnosed individuals. If you take that into account, it makes sense that there are a lot of doom and gloom posts from lonely folks. When a person first finds out, that is the normal reaction.

As time goes on, almost all of them find their footing and come to know that their romantic lives need not be kaput.

Of course, there are also folks like me who post here. We are the seronegative partners of folks who have herpes. I run into more of us here all the time!

I made the choice to be intimate with my fella after he disclosed his status. It didn't change my feelings for him one iota.

Well, I take that back. The fact that he told me and gave me that choice increased my love and respect for him immensely. It let me know that he is an honest person who cares about and respects me. What's not to love?

Just to let you know, he remained out of the love loop for a while too. He just wrote the whole thing off, much as you are doing, apparently believing that was his only option.

He finally found out that is not the case!

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Doc Holiday

Well, I take that back. The fact that he told me and gave me that choice increased my love and respect for him immensely. It let me know that he is an honest person who cares about and respects me. What's not to love?

I need to move to where your at cause where I'm from women don't think like that. I'd be damned if I told a female about this, f*** explaining she'd tell me to GTFO before I can tell her anything. Then probably tell everybody she and I know that I have it.

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NoOtherBell

Hey Doc,

You can't settle. There's love for you beyond this. But you need to accept that things are different now, and it's going to be a journey.

I married a guy 10 years ago, mostly because he was the first guy to say he didn't care. Zero Flinch Factor. (not to sell him totally short because he's a wonderful man, just not so wonderful for me. No common ground. No attraction. No passion.) Now I find myself single (my choice, I couldn't pretend anymore) and back on the dating wagon. It's not easy with the H bomb but....I still know there is someone out there who is right for me. I've had good and bad experiences since starting dating again, but THAT'S dating! You need to be true to you. Give both of you the chance to find a truly compatible relationship. 3 months in is WAY WAY easier than 10 years in. Trust me.

And I agree with RG, you sound depressed...done that too. Talk to your doctor, talk to a therapist, talk to a friend, talk to us...you need to process this. It's hard at first, and way harder if you don't talk.

Good luck.

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QDogg

your not alone bro, your not alone.

take a break and think things through, sometimes as men we put so much effort into the women in our lives we forget about the importance to make time for ourselves. take care of YOURSELF and then you can worry about what to do with others in our reality.

if you don't know that she gave it to you, then drop that thought. you are only self sabotaging your life by thinking she did. i'm in the same situation, i have an idea, but then again after reading all the info on the virus, really have NO idea who it could have been. so many people on here talk about getting it using protection, not me, but many others ha. so yeah dude. if you can't say for sure, then your probably better off with the mind frame of not knowing how long you've had it or who gave it to you.

even though you dont know if you want to be with her i can tell you care about her. which is awesome dude. your just on sensory overload right now and don't know what to do or think. take a break. every try meditation? it fuckin works wonders. hit the gym, do something that YOU want to do to get your mind off of stuff. are you afraid if you take some time for yourself she'll leave? chances are she won't. chances are SHE is also going through the same shit as you, and the rest of us are. i'm sure has the same mentality of being alone and how to tell others.

that said, it just makes sense that she will not completely break contact with you, after all, she knows what you both have, and well quite frankly i think for that reason alone you guys can always re-unite, even if its just physically...

but then again not everyone thinks like me. just my 2 cents bro.

hope it helps some.

feel free to reach out if you need to.

-Q

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RealisticGal
I need to move to where your at cause where I'm from women don't think like that. I'd be damned if I told a female about this, f*** explaining she'd tell me to GTFO before I can tell her anything. Then probably tell everybody she and I know that I have it.

That's what everyone thinks, Doc --- at first. I've read virtually the identical sentiment from almost every newbie when they were first posting here.

I will say, you do need to move from the location you have listed on your profile. Yep, probably not too many compassionate and understanding women living there in Hell. :rolleyes:

All seriousness aside, though. You really cannot accurately predict anyone else's reaction at this point. I guarantee you, there are a lot of women out here who would surprise you in that regard. There are many stories here that prove it --- it happens all the time.

My best suggestion is to take some time to get your head around it. Get to a place where YOU accept YOU, because I don't believe you do at this point.

If you don't accept and LOVE yourself, warts and all, you cannot expect anyone else to do so. :love:

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BubblesMcGee

wheewwww i know exactlyyy where youre coming from.

When i got my first outbreak that guy i lived with got his first too, he gave it to me. We both suffered through the first one and it made us even closer because now we both were infected. Our relationship lasted at least 6 months more, but towards the end i was feeling just as you are. I felt like no one would ever accept the fact that i had genital herpes and he was the only one i could be my complete self with and be accepted. This really ended up hurting both of us more in the end. You have to leave if the only reason you are staying is because you both have HSV. I am actually in a new relationship, first new one since i found out and I just told him tonight. He took it in, digested it and said "its going to take a bit more then herpes to tear me away from a girl like you." He knows there will be no sexual contact for a while bc i dont want to risk giving it to him, but he loves me and accepts me. You have to do what is right for you. Having herpes and dating will not always be easy, but you'll weed out the people who arent in it for the long haul and find the ones that are. Keep your chin up, keep us updated and do what is right for you.

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solvingtheproblem

depression can affect "in love" feelings

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and situation. Just some things that came to mind when reading your post

  • Three months...you barely *know* each other at three months! Granted, sometimes you know someone isn't a good match for you after three minutes. ;-) But really, you are still very much in the *beginning* of a relationship with her. Right now, the thing to consider is: do I like the way I feel when I'm around her, and do I think I can be a good partner to her? If the answer to these two questions is yes, then relax, enjoy getting to know her and give love a chance to develop (or not). If the answer is "no" to those questions, then I agree with the other posters that you've dated her long enough to know she's not the right girl for you.


  • Relationships centered on sex are almost guaranteed to fail. That's because the intensity of the chemical rush a person feels while climaxing with a partner lessens each time s/he climaxes with that same partner (the term for it is habituation, aka the Coolidge Effect). It's our genetic programming - which is great for genetic propogation, bad for creating successful relationships. If the goal is to create a rewarding relationship, then there has to be more than sex binding it together.


  • Speaking of brain chemicals: you (and evidently your partner) are going through a MAJOR mental/emotional transition right now. For most people who get the H diagnosis, it takes a while to accept it and come to terms with it. During that time, it is totally normal to experience depression. However, something that is NOT commonly known is that depression decreases the amount of dopamine, seratonin, adrenaline and several other neurochemicals - many of which are used in the parts of the brain that triggers the "in love" feeling. Without those chemicals (especially dopamine), those parts of the brain will be underactive, and so a person cannot feel "in love". The lack of these chemicals also affects the parts of the brain associated with sex drive - so it's not uncommon for a depressed person to have no sex drive, and to lose feelings of love/attachment for a partner. So I'd say right now, neither of you is in the right frame of mind - literally and figuratively - to make any big decisions regarding your feelings for each other.


  • If you need some "you time" to help get yourself healthy physically both in your mind and body, take it - that makes total sense, and can really help you in the long run. It also makes sense to do what you have to do to deal with the anger you rightfully feel at the moment. Personally, I think anger is just part of dealing with an H diagnosis. As you know, it's not fair or productive to put it either on yourself, or on her, since you both evidently scored positive on an IgG after only being together for three weeks. That means you *both* had it prior to the relationship.

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confused4life

Wow, reading your story had me thinking about my relationship. I have been with my partner for a year and 8 months and he just found out he had HSV2 in February and I just found out in June. I seriously had my doubts at the beginning because I just knew he had cheated on me. I still find myself having doubts when I think about having this STD for the rest of my life. I'm a strong female and I have to live and learn from the mistake's I have made in life and if I truly love this man, I have to stick by his side. He was my 2nd sex partner, I have been with only one man before him for 16 years and he cheated on me constantly. After I divorced him I fell in love again and now I have a STD.

Question to you....do you love her? I know it's only been 3 months ad if you enjoy being around her and see a future with her then get pass all the issues regarding the STD and move on. Women express themselves differently then men so let her know how you feel and listen to her response and if your not feeling her VIBE then ROLL.

Yes, there will be plenty of GOOD women out here that will accept you for you and also for what you have. Honesty is the best thing to win a women over...tell her your story and if she dont want you, it's her lost.

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bbc88

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." R.Frost

I was diagnosed a little over two years ago, after one very bad and short lived relationship. I joined a dating website a few months later and started seeing someone that also had herpes. I soon realized that the only reason I joined the website was to feel some type of acceptance. I felt alienated, and I still fear rejection... but I really had to ask myself, "Am I really in love with this person? Would I be here if it wasn't for the convienence of not needing to have "the talk"? Am I just afraid of being alone?" I was settling for something way less than I deserved, which got me in this situation in the first place. I'm finally to a place in my life where I'm thankful for the wake up call...though a bit extreme. To say that every girl will reject you is definitely the wrong way of thinking. The right girl won't. I heard someone refer to herpes as "a douchebag filter" once. If they run, they obviously weren't interested in anything other than sex in the first place. I know I'm a little (a lot) naive, but I still think people are good for the most part. Try to keep a positive attitude.

"Misfortune can force you into doing things you should be doing anyway. Lessons come from adversity. Anything can happen to anyone... You can find a new lease on life - more meaning than you thought possible in simple things... Let go. Live in the moment. Go forward."~ Christopher Reeve

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Curlygirly11

Doc,

I would have to agree with the post, telling you to take it one day at a time. With all of the emotions that are attached to H, it's probably not a good idea to make a decision just yet. I do think you do need to talk to the girl your dating. It sounds like your in a fairly new relationship, which probably means that you haven't dealt with too many issues, which means not a lot of practice on the communication end. This issue will either help your relationship get stronger or break it, but I think if you open the door for conversation, no matter what you will feel better dealing with your feelings about H, your relationship and your future. This is soooooooooo hard........ I understand, I had been dating someone, and ever since he went to get tested, I haven't heard anything from him. My results were confirmed today and I am HSV 2 +. I totally feel you on the frustration of not knowing who passed it to who..........I too am caught up in that detail. Although I know it wouldn't change anything and I probably wouldn't be so caught up with that if he wouldn't of pointed fingers at me when we started to think H was the cause of the symptoms we were both experiencing.

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