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Searching for... what?


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First off, this has nothing to do with herpes. I don't blame God, or anyone else, for catching my 'little friends', and I'm not angry about the fact that they found a home in my ganglia. I hold no malice towards them, or towards anyone. Live and let live.

This is about feeling pulled towards something, but not knowing what it is.

I used to be a very devout Christian. I'm talking devout here... not your 'go to church on Sunday and forget it the rest of the week' Christian. I lived it, all day, every day. Then something happened. I won't go into what it was (it doesn't really matter), but over the course of time, I lost my faith. Poof! Gone.

Fast forward ten years to today. I don't believe in a God that sits in Heaven, watching over us, shuffling us around like Monopoly pieces on a board game. I don't believe in Heaven, or Hell. I don't believe that God created the universe, or us, or anything else. That's what I don't believe.

The question is, if I don't believe in any of those things, what is it that keeps pulling at me? I do believe in something, but I'm struggling to put my finger on giving it form... definition, if you will. And yet, even though I don't know what it is, it's like something or someone has a hold of me, pushing and pulling me towards... what? It's driving me crazy.

Perhaps I should tell you that I've seen, who I believe to be, my 'guardian' of sorts. He's only appeared to me once, but it was during a time when I was afraid of losing my partner (he was very ill). I've seen other things... which I believe were related to the presence of death, and I've seen the image of someone I knew who died tragically and unexpected. So, I know there are things (powers, forces, energies... whatever you like) that extend beyond our small existence. I don't understand them, but they're there.

Sooo... are any of you out there struggling with something similar? Do any of you struggle to figure out what it is that pulls at you? It's like someone calling your name, but you don't know where the voice is coming from. If you are, I'd like to hear about it. Maybe you could shed some light on what I'm experiencinig, or at least let me know I'm not alone in this search. As it is, I'm beginning to wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me, or maybe I'm just trying to find my way back to where I started. Anyone?

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Very interesting, MsLucy. I like these kinds of discussions. I also wonder what else is out there and have had a couple of experiences that have left me wondering about what we can see and what we can't see. I have to think about this one but I will get back to you.

Oh and your mind is not playing tricks on you : )

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  • 1 month later...

There are different spirits in our world and the devil can be a spirit of light at times. It's easy to be confused. One thing I know: the bible is the only thing in the entire world that is true. You can look in it and find that God knew before the scientist that the earth was round. He knew about the seasons and the heart of man. The bible is full of science. How else could it be true if there were not a living God? As long as we live the bible says that satan walks around seeking whom he may devour. He wears out the saints. It's his job and he knows it well. He knows what it will take to draw us away and make us doubt God. People worship statues and religions that man has thought up, but none of them have the power to transform lives. The thing is, TOO many are just religious and call themselves Christians. A true Christian is one who gives their life to live for Christ. The bible says we are bought with a price. Who wants to buy something and then have someone else do with it as they please? God bought us with the precious blood of Christ and if we are truly saved, then we belong to him. He only tells us how to live, so that we can have that abundant life. It's not to hurt us or make us live a dull life. It's to have it more aboundantly, to be truly happy! To live by the word of God is the best thing anyone can do. It's his words to us. Just as I leave my children the directions for what I want them to do while I go some where, even if they don't see the importance and may not want to do it, I see the importance and I reward them for doing what I told them to. God rewards us for living by his word. Every TRUE believer is in a spiritual warfare. It's satan's job to make us fall. If he can get us to quit on a holy God, who can we help? Others will die and go to hell because we have the truth and we don't give it to them because we have quit. I pray God never lets me quit. I have the answer to people's suffering. I can't make them listen, but I have the answer. It's God. It's the word of God. Living by faith, by believing his word and doing it, not being able to see tomorrow, but trusting that he is leading us in the right direction. God never lies. His word is the only thing I trust in the entire world. I pray that you'll get this resolved. The bible says it's a fearful thing to fall into the hands of an angry God. It also says that a fool says in his heart that there is no God.

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  • 1 month later...

oh my goodness. that message could not have been said better. i am constantly praying that i can fully reconcile my relationship with God. tho i had a hard time dealing with this disease i knew it was my fault and i actually beleive it helped my to return to Him. im not always happy with my progress but i havent given up on me or Him. I do struggle with staying mentally & emotionally on board with His standards. some times its so hard but i do want His favor. so thanx for your post. it reaffirms my own beliefs and endevours

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