A little painful

[Guest Guest]

After finding out I had herpes 6 months into a relationship I've finally felt the rejection 4 months later. My boyfriend just couldn't become comfortable with me after knowing this so we ended things last night. Herpes isn't the only reason why we broke up but I think it's the big one, the one that made other little things so important as well. We were both hoping that somehow things would get better but a relationship isn't possible with that kind of fear. Anyway, I just needed somewhere to say it and here's the place. I know that someday I will find an accepting and unconditional love, one that isn't afraid, but that's hard to look forward to right now. I really do miss him...

[fountainhead]

I understand

Hey! I just wanted you to know that there is someone else out there w a similar situation.

Not that that is going to make you feel better....but i am lil further along in the situation so I can tell you what has helped me.

I found out that i had herpes and that I gave it to my partner....and it destroyed our relationship.

I was so hurt and i could not believe it was happening to me.

All I can say to you is that it gets better.

Its going to suck for a while and you are going to be sad for a while and you are going to miss him.

But this type of situation really weeds out people from your life. Everything is a blessing. I am a lot more aware of the little things in life and I really think that this guy that left me is loosing out....bc i was an amazing person before all this....and since...i have become an even better human being....so he is the fool. really....once you get that, things will make more sense. ...

Do things that make you happy....stay busy....and surround yourself w amazing friends...it will make this time go by much faster.

Hope this helps.

[Guest Guest]

Thank you, it really is comforting to hear that you went through something similar and are doing okay. I'm just so sad all the time. My ex told me that there is still a chance we could get back together, he just needs time to think. I guess he couldn't do that objectively when we were still together. I'm hurt though. I can wait but I can't wait forever because I can't do that to myself. I told him after two weeks I would be moving on. Only, I don't think I will be able to because how can I move on when I know there still might be a chance? He told me that he hopes I am still avaiable if it takes him longer..

Do people reject you initially and then change their minds? Is it a good thing that he his stepping back to think about things or does it mean he really doesn't love me enough to be with me? Should I just give up so that someday I can find someone accepting?

[Guest Guest]

No one can truly answer those questions for you. But I do think that it is important to be VERY aware of your own needs right now and be mindful of the fact that if you're blind to it, you might miss a great love. Waiting for someone who says "I hope you might be around if I change my mind one day" who does not have your feelings in mind is maybe not the best idea. Bottom line. And the truth is there are TONS of people who are ok with their partner having herpes. I want to share this with you, too: I had a boyfriend last summer and I had herpes at the time and didn't know it. He just got tested and he is fine. And I just started dating someone new who I told I have herpes and he basically said if it doesn't kill me or you, I'm ok with it.

I'm only sharing these things with you to help you think positively about your situation. I'm truly sorry that your relationship ended but the truth is, herpes is not something worth ending a relationship over, in my mind. Be honest with people, open and upfront, and the rest will come naturally.

[Guest Guest]

He looks at dating me as a bigger commitment than marriage.. All because of herpes. It sucks. He says he wants it but he doesn't know if he's ready. I'm not holding out for something that probably isn't even there.

[chaos]

I'm going through the same thing right now. I thought I had found the one and that everything was going to be ok this time but all we have been doing is fighting and now he wants to "take some time off". He says he is ok with my condition but I know what you mean when you say that it makes the little things worse. So much pressure. we dont know yet if were right for each other for the rest of our lives. we have been through so much in just a short time and it hurts us both. I acctually had my first outbreak since contracting it three years ago because of the stress of our relationship. It made me feel so horrible about myself and put more distance between us. I finally found someone who I thought was ok with it and now I'm wondering if intimacy for me and a non h partner is even possible. it is always weighing on my mind. I guess I'm just really sad too.

[prattcat]

Hey all,

Im new to this so just bare with me...ive had herpes for about 3 years and have been in two situations where I have told my partner and where my partner has found my bottle of Valtrex...yea...the situation with the finding of the Valtrex: wel, he held it over my head and was an emotional rollercoaster that caused me more grief than relief in telling him..the second scenario is more recent--we fooled around for about 2 months, without sex (but oral things happened) and about two weeks ago i told him over the phone....we re dealing with it, he's been amazing thus far--i just keep waiting to watch him disappear..this information about me is still pretty new for him and we plan on talking about the implications of all this with my doctor..he hasnt had an outbreak, so im still keeping my fingers crossed

Just know that before my current relationship, I felt and was rejected and im still dealing with this "change" in my life...its important to give people space to digest the information--time away doesnt mean rejection, it just might mean that your partner needs a minute to process and cope with something that uve already been dealing with...

There are amazing people out there, empathetic amazing people..i had given up my hopes...and magic happened....im still fearful that he'll disappear...

[Guest Guest]

Thank you all for your replies. My relationship truly is over for good and.. I'm okay with that. In fact; I'm happy? Strange, I wasn't expecting that one. After I found out I had herpes I spent 4 horrible gut wrenching months wondering if my boyfriend would accept me or not. And in the end he didn't. It feels so much better to be alone than it did to be with him, when he didn't accept me and when herpes was the most important thing about me. I never want to feel that way again and.. I never will. Because I am more than this virus, because it does not define who I am, and because if someone cannot see just how great I am well, why would I want to give my heart to someone like that? I will never be with someone again who does that, someone who reduces my self worth and makes me feel little more than a diagnosis.

This is what a friend of mine wrote to me about herpes: (which he doesn't have)

"I don't even know why there is such a bad hype about an STD like that. It can't kill you. You can control the outbreaks with proper meds. All it is is a bump on the skin, not much different from a zit. S#!* could be a lot worse than that. I do know everything happens for a reason. I don't know why things are the way they are and why things happen the way the do but it all has a reason and a purpose. If I had a chance to be with you I would in a minute and wouldn't think twice about it. There is so much to a person than just the physical."

Even though I am not planning to start a relationship with this person anytime soon his words give me hope as does this site and others out there on the web. I know that there are people out there with bigger hearts that have unconditional love to offer. I don't have to settle or hope beyond hope that this person or whoever will still love me because I know now that if they don't they weren't worth my time anyway.

I can't say it enough, that not being with my ex anymore is an amazing relief.

[prattcat]

its so amazing to hear things turn around....its so interesting how something like this can cloud our minds..just fill it up with a bunch of marshmellow fluff--and make us forget about ourselves, our original standards, priorities...well, in one respect it forces us to re evaluate where we stand within ourselves and within our internal strengths...but when it comes to dealing with a partner, suddenly things get foggy. Things get foggy over issues of acceptance and sometimes we find our destinies sitting in the palm of someone else's hand..as if they have the power to make this decision--

what if i decided,after i tell u "i have herpes" , that you re not someone that i want more time with...

what if decided, after i tell u "i have herpes", that my days arent suddenly brighter with you in my life....

what if i need to tell you, after i say "i have herpes", that i dont want to give u parts of my heart that should be reserved for just me....

sometimes after all this shit is said and done, u realize that he/she isnt all that after all...it feels better to be with me bc me is more entertaining and comforting than the the wieght of You....

interesting how a simple little bump, a silent little virus sitting in no mans land in the tip of your frekkin spine has the power to place so much value on him..or her.for that matter...

will he stay ...will he go....

[Guest Guest]

Exactly prattcat. I was so afraid of being rejected that I placed all my self worth with my ex. I thought that if he would accept me I was worthwhile and if he rejected me I was worthless. Well, he rejected me and for awhile I did feel worthless until I realized that self worth comes from within myself and not from the cold hearted opinion someone else. I came to the conclusion that he wasn't worth my time or heart.

"it feels better to be with me bc me is more entertaining and comforting than the the wieght of You...."

^^I like that^^