Reaching out for comfort

[Sunshine2you]

Hello Everyone,

This is the first time I have ever used an on-line forum in my life, and I'm a little nervous and scared. However, I have read some excellent posts on this website so far; I have found that many members are not only very well-educated about herpes and williing to share information, but they are also very compassionate and comforting to other members as well.

Just this past Friday, I was diagnosed with HSV-2. I had previously found out that my ex-boyfriend had not been honest with me about his sexual experiences, and so I went to the doctor and asked for a full STD work-up. Thankfully everything was negative, except for the HSV-2 IGg antibody test (this was the first time I had ever had this test) I was completely devastated. I found out by fax, because the doctor's office was not able to tell me the results over the phone, and I was not able to make an appointment anytime soon. Luckily I am a nurse and am able to interpret my own test results, but no one should have to get results like that alone, in such an impersonal way.

I am completely and utterly devastated by this diagnosis. I want so badly to point the finger at someone, especially the dishonest ex-boyfriend (who will still not return any of my messages regarding the diagnosis), but I can't even be 100% sure that I contracted herpes from him. I have always been very careful with my sexual health, and I have never been what I consider promiscuous and have never engaged in what I thought was "high-risk" behaviour.

I know that herpes is something I can live with. I'm already taking Valtrex and some supplements, and I know how to take good care of myself. I have a good support system in friends and family. However, how do I deal with the guilt? All of the what if's and should-have's? How can I stop feeling so dirty? Now, when a patient tells me what a great nurse I am, or if someone tells me that I'm sweet, or pretty, all I can think is that "if only you knew..."

I would appreciate any comments from members who have had similar experiences and feelings, and who could offer some words of wisdom or comfort. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing from you,

[elmerette]

Sunshine2you,

I am the type of person that always enjoyed an active sex life. I would get tested yearly for std's, sometimes twice a year to be safe, always requesting the full panel. I didnt realize that they don't include hsv in this panel. I dodged a bullet for 44 years, was in a monogamous relationship, and contracted herpes. My giver didnt know she had it, so no blame. It was an education for both of us. I've worked in medical most of my life, and kicked myself in the ass for not educating myself. The fact that you have herpes does not take away from the excellent medical care you give your patients. I know that I am not dirty, etc so I will assume that you arent either. Finding out for sure where you got it won't help either. You will have to accept as I did that knowing doesnt change the facts. We are now in the majority of the population. Herpes does not define what type of person you are, anymore than cancer, or anything else out there. Cut yourself some slack, and dont overthink it. By all means educate yourself about it, but dont overthink it. Hope this helps. Also, when your not ob'ing, its really no big deal...just my experience..

[Sunshine2you]

Elmerett,

Thank you so much for your response. You were my very first response, and I can't tell you how much you have already made me feel better! Take care, and I will be in touch!

[elmerette]

feel free to pm me if you need to talk...you also need to check out live chat. we have alot of fun in there, and everyone in there understands and is helpful and supportive with the whole thing.

[norcallove]

Hi Sunshine2you,

I hope you are already starting to feel better. I know this website made me feel a lot better. I was visually diagnosed last Monday and I got my test results, GHSV2, on Thur. I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I received my test results online!! No phone call from my doctor or anything (and no response to my phone call or email). I'll I could figure out from the culture test results was that I had it and I had HSV2. You would think they wouldn't be so impersonal, especially with telling you results like this! I was safe and always asked to be tested for everything as well, I didn't know they didn't test for herpes! Seems like that has happened to a lot of people on here. So it is kind of hard to be mad at yourself for something you didn't know and has happened to a lot of people.

I know when I did my first post on here I felt lost, confused, and disgusting. I can honestly say I already feel so much better!! I know I am no different than I used to be, I just have a skin irritation (as people on here say). You just need to remember that you are no different - you are the same wonderful, caring, attractive person you used to be and you're still a great nurse. I think being on this site helped me with that. It is nice to see that there are so many other people like us and they are living normal lives I know it is hard sometimes, but try to stay positive! It is awesome you have a great support system. I dwelled in the "what ifs" at first as well, but you can't live your life like that. I hope this helps! Message me if you ever need to talk.

[RealisticGal]

I have always been very careful with my sexual health, and I have never been what I consider promiscuous and have never engaged in what I thought was "high-risk" behaviour.

I know that herpes is something I can live with. I'm already taking Valtrex and some supplements, and I know how to take good care of myself. I have a good support system in friends and family. However, how do I deal with the guilt? All of the what if's and should-have's? How can I stop feeling so dirty? Now, when a patient tells me what a great nurse I am, or if someone tells me that I'm sweet, or pretty, all I can think is that "if only you knew..."

I'm sure you know this in your heart, but promiscuity isn't necessarily a factor with herpes. There are members here who contracted herpes from their spouse, who is the only sexual partner they have ever had!

Nor is "high risk behavior" necessary, because of the skin-to-skin transfer of herpes viral particles. It isn't like some of the other STIs. Condoms only offer a limited amount of protection. There really isn't such a thing as "safe sex" with herpes.

Well, maybe Latex Boxer Shorts...

Anyway, you certainly aren't dirty --- no more than you would be "dirty" due to carrying Varicella Zoster Virus or Cytomegalovirus in your system. They are all viruses. I know you know that too. But the stupid social stigma has been built up to a point that it is difficult to escape that feeling.

Someone here posted recently that HSV was never a big deal prior to the development of acyclovir. Hmmmmm...something to consider!

[Sunshine2you]

I am so glad I became a member of this community! I feel better already! Norcallove, you have inspired me to keep being the positive person that I usually am, and you have helped me with some of the guilt that I've been feeling. RealisticGal, I love your candor. I've read some of your other posts and responses to threads, and you remind me of myself sometimes, always giving sound and honest advice, and sharing your experiences with an open heart and mind. I am truly hoping that one day I can be a comfort and an inspiration to other people newly diagnosed. Thank you to everyone who has responded to my initial post, because I am not feeling so alone anymore.

[norcallove]

I am so glad I became a member of this community! I feel better already! Norcallove, you have inspired me to keep being the positive person that I usually am, and you have helped me with some of the guilt that I've been feeling.

I am happy I became a member of this community as well. I'm glad you're feeling better already! It makes me happy that I inspired you to keep being positive and helped with some of the guilt! Especially since others on here did that for me when I was new, so I am happy to keep it going. Take care!

[RealisticGal]

Yes, glad you are feeling better, Sunshine.

You know, it may be that candor is a function of working in the medical field.

[Sunshine2you]

Yes, Realistic, I agree! Candor in the medical field is not always easy, but so important! Thanks for understanding!

[Teacher Man]

Sunshine -

As you can see, you're not alone. We all can relate to that feeling of devastation and despair. I definitely freaked out about my diagnosis. Yes, it sucks. But it's not a catastrohpe by any means. However, in our over active minds we tend to easily conjure up the worst outcomes possible. But those are merely illusions that have no basis in reality. I write these words you to in part as my own reinforcment, but they

are definitely true. Hang in there, and keep your head up.

[AnaBella]

Oh my Goodness...alot of what you've gone thru rings true for me too. I found out last Nov., so it's been a little over a year. Even though I'm married the feeling I got from finding out sent me reeling. I remember coming home, talking with my husband...I wanted to blame him but then I was scared that he may point the finger at me b/c this could've been in me all along or what if he thought I'd cheated (and I never have). But the trust we have in each other settled that issue pretty quickly. But the day that the results were due to come back I was at work and they were suppose to have called me but when I hadn't heard anything I called an hour before they closed but 2 hours before I was due to get off work. I had to beg my dr's personal nurse to give me the results b/c my dr had left for the day. I couldn't bare going thru the weekend not knowing. I had to go thru 2 months of work without taking time off to cope b/c we were shorthanded at the time and I could not, not be there. When I would get home in the evening I was drained. I felt dirty, ashamed, embarrassed. I'd always been a very confident person but I let it shake my self-esteem. I walked around for almost a yr in a fog. During the first 2 months of me finding out there were days that I didn't remember b/c it's like those days are blacked out. But even though it knocked me down, I'm scrappy as hell and I refused to stay down. Yeah, I have this but I can't let it have me. I'd have bad days but I fought thru it. God wouldn't let me wallow in it. So for the past 2 months now I've felt this huge weight being lifted. It took time and effort but I feel GOOD! And I find that what helps with the labels I've put on myself (dirty, shameful, embarrassed, etc) is to know that ALOT of people have this. Life happens...I told my Mom that I had this and one day I was crying, having a good old fashioned pity party, telling her I that I was so ashamed and that I just felt soooo Dirty. She said "Stop saying THAT! You're NOT DIRTY! You take a bath every day!" God Bless My Mom b/c she knew that laughter was the medicine I needed that day.

[Teacher Man]

[, I'm scrappy as hell and I refused to stay down.

That's fucking awesome!!! I love it! It reminded me of this scene, one of my all time favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1tXhJniSEc&feature=related

[Sunshine2you]

AnaBella, thank you SO much for your response! Though it makes me sad to hear that you had such a hard time (and had to find out in such an impersonal way), it makes me feel better to know that you are feeling better now. I'm a tough cookie, too, and have weathered a few other storms in my life, so I'm sure I won't be down for too long. Thankfully I have a very good therapist who reminded me that "you don't get to be 33 years old without a few scars." Over the last few days, I have felt so many emotions-fear, anger (especially at my ex-boyfriend, who still won't return my calls/messages), disgust, sadness, pity (for myself, of course), and a little hope here and there. I'm just letting myself go through the emotions and letting myself feel what I need to. I also pray every night and ask God to please help me through this, to help me with the sadness, and to help me let go of my anger toward my cheating, dishonest ex-boyfriend. Not easy, but I'm going to keep on going. Thank you again!