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Before you go out and "****" the world......


enlightenlife3

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I have seen a few posts on here from some people who have the attitude that as long as they are on suppressive therapy and use condoms that that is good enough for them and they do not feel the need to disclose thier HSV status in order not to miss out on getting laid. I recently was diagnosed with HSV2 and got infected after being taken advatange of by an HSV2+ (ex)friend while "roofed" and intoxicated, therefore, I feel I was not given a choice. I recently wrote the below email to the person who infected me. I did not send it, but I just needed to get my feelings out. If you are one of those people who have the above mentioned attitude, please read the below email as an example to the consquences of your actions. If you can still live with yourself knowing that you will not only affect the life of the person you infected FOREVER, but also the lives of thier loved ones, then by all means......go "****" the world and may your God deal with you when the time comes.

I'm writing this with no intention of sending it. I just feel the need to write it. Well, it has been a little over 2 weeks since my world came crashing down on me. I am surprised I have made it this far. I think I need to write this as part of my healing in order for me to move on. First of all, I want you to know that I am taking the responsibility of putting myself in the situation that I did, by letting someone I didn't know buy me a drink, but also trusting a friend. I stand by what I had said before. I had told you that nothing could ever happen between us and asked you to promise not ever to try, for that I feel betrayed and taken advantage of. I had expressed this in the beginning, but when you got offended and rebutted with something like "Your the one that let some creepy guy you didn't know buy you a drink" I did what I was conditioned to do with any man that has made me feel threatened, I back down and find a way to make it my fault. I am not writing this to point a finger or lay blame. What's done is done. I can't change it. I just need to get all of this out. Also, I feel you need to know what effects this has had on my life, so here it goes.....In case you are wondering, in the last 2 weeks, I broke the heart of a man who loved me unconditionally, who at first stood by me and watched over me to make sure I was ok, but who is now backing away and will probably walk away.......I don't blame him. He feels cheated on and betrayed. Funny enough he said he wouldn't leave me because of the virus, he said it would be because of the dishonesty, betrayal and dishonor. He feels this way because I tried to hide the truth, at first, on how I was infected. I tried to spare him additional hurt and ended up hurting him even more. We were going to get back together, give it another shot. Through this and his support, I realized how much I truely do love him, but now it is probably too late. He doesn't look at me the way he used to, hugs me with a pat on the back and hasn't tried to kiss me since I told him. He had placed me on a petistal and I have been knocked off. I was completely devasted and still am. I lost me and I don't know if I could EVER get her back. The woman that made it through many difficult challenges in life. I was able to make it through all of them and finally find out who I was and I was truely, TRUELY happy with myself and the life I had. I was a beautiful, healthy, happy woman who had her whole life ahead of her. Now, I dread even waking up in the morning. I feel ugly, contaminated, unworthy of anything good. I look 10 yrs older from all the stress. My hair is falling out. I haven't worn make up in weeks, nor have I worked out in weeks. I don't want to go out socially. I couldn't look in the mirror for about a week. I wear sunglasses in the stores I have to go to. I have a hard time looking people in the eye. I don't hold my head up high any longer. I've lost another 7lbs. I cried and cried and I am still crying. I worked through the first week, but could not cope. I spoke with my boss and they gave me a week off. In that week I had repeated thoughts of ending my life. I was almost admitted into a Psyc. Hospital. I am now in therapy. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I am now on a daily antidepressant and another medication to take in emergency when I have a panic attack. My first outbreak started 2 days after I found out and I am still having it. My woo hoo is ugly now. I also broke out slightly on the side and the roof of my mouth. I am on Valtrex supressive therapy which has given me a side effect of an inflamed itchy white patch on my face. With Dr's appt, therapy, medication co-pays, I have spent over $200 in the past 2 weeks that I really didn't have. I will be spending $100 a month on therapy alone. My family and friends are wondering what is wrong with me. ______ wants her mommy back. Poor thing, I had a whole week off of work and didn't get out of bed until 3pm at least 3 days in a row. I even forgot to feed her lunch 2 days in a row. _______ tried to take me away for my Birthday like we had planned from months ago. The hotel room was so nice, I cried when I walked in knowing that there would be no intimacy going on that night or ever for that matter. I spent the evening of my birthday in a beautiful hotel bathtub sobbing, thinking about taking apart my razor to end it all. _________ had to give me sleeping pills to calm me down enough to sleep. I feel like my life is over. Well, my life as I had planned, the life I thought I deserved. I realized that I have to stick around, at least for _______'s sake. I have educated myself even more re: H, bought a couple of books, will be altering my diet even more. Well, like I said what is done is done. I can't change it. Boy, how I wish I could though. How I wish I had never met you.

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What a powerful story. Reading that took my breath away.

Thank you for sharing - I know it must've been really hard to write that down but I do believe (and hope) that your message gets across and helps people to rethink their attitudes.

I wish you the best at healing your life after this - and I am sincerely sorry for what you have been through. But I am so glad you found us and chose to share your story with us. Thank you.

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Thank you for sharing - I know it must've been really hard to write that down but I do believe (and hope) that your message gets across and helps people to rethink their attitudes.

Miss Hope,

Thanks for your reply. If just one person reads this and changes their view on how they want to lead thier life with HSV and spares another person from contracting HSV, then it is worth sharing my personal story.

P.S. - I am so glad that I found all of you too.

Take Care.

Enlightenlife3

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Hi there, I too think your post is great. And I also hope that even one person reads this and changes their mind about not disclosing their status to avoid causing anyone else this kind of pain.

Most of us, if not all of us, have had these same feelings. Ugly, ashamed, contaminated... But as time goes on, you start to heal and you remember that you are not any less of a person because of it. You are not ugly or contaminated and if anything, you will be a much stronger person after this sad feelings fade.

I hope that you are feeling better about yourself because it sounds like you have a child that does indeed need a mother... I also hope that this man, who you claim has unconditional love for you comes around. I understand why hid your infection. With the feelings of being so ashamed of it, of course you're not going to want to tell someone right away. And unless you're sleeping together (were you?), you shouldn't have to until you're ready.

Always remember that you are not alone in this.

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Thanks thiswillnotdefineme. I am feeling better. It has been almost a month now since diagnosis. I am learning to accept this, what else can I do? I just felt the need to share my story.

P.S. No I had not been intimate with the guy I was going to get back together with because we had decided to take it slow.....Thank God!

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Without lesions, it is highly questionable that the ailment is related to herpes, yet testing is useful if you have concerns as you have done so.] About a month after that [herpes causes issues within days, if the first 'symptoms' are a month later - its extremely unlikely they are related to herpes], significant discomfort downstairs, however every test I have ever taken for HSV 1 and 2 has been negative. Here are the details: Face: Previously, some significant tingling and itching on the right side of my mouth, lips and chin (still there, but milder) [herpes does not cause general tingling and itching, it can cause a reasonably concentrated feeling of itch/throb from which a herpes lesion appears within hours]. Occasional hot flashes near my right eye, cheek and ear [herpes does not do this, it may be a immune response to something, or stress]. Sometimes it will feel like the skin is crawling on the right side of my face [herpes does not cause a general crawling sensation]. 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