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The right to be angry?


domad

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So I was diagnosed after a visual inspection 6 months ago. I had a very painful first outbreak and then a few smaller outbreaks have followed about once a month. Totally sucks and I hate everything right now.

But my question is am I wrong for holding so much hate towards the person who gave me herpes?

We started dating, slept with each other, and then she told me she had herpes. She said she couldn't tell me at first because she "liked me too much" and "didn't want it to ruin things". So this was obviously a huge shock for me. I got my outbreak shortly after this talk while we were still together. Once I had the outbreak I started to freak out. She was not sympathetic at all. She would just tell me "it's really not a big deal, everyone has it". I was like WTF!!!!!!!!! Are you serious!!! You just gave me an STD that I will have for the rest of my life!!

The next few months were very tumultuous. We were off and on, most of the issues stemming from my herpes diagnosis. We stopped talking for a couple months and now I contact her to find out she has a new boyfriend who she is in love with!!! And get this, she told him she had herpes BEFORE they slept together. Wish she would have been so kind to me.

So I am basically fuming like crazy. She won't even talk to me and I feel so f'ing betrayed. How can someone be so nonchalant about this? Is there any hope? I feel like a leper. I have gone to herpes dating sites and those only make me more depressed. This sh*t sucks

Thanks for listening

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Honestly I don't know. I feel like she kind of fooled me into really liking her and then sprung this information on me. There is a good chance I would have stayed with her. I guess the hardest thing is that I would expect her to be more sympathetic.

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I think you have the right to be very angry. I am angry at my H2 and its my fault for getting it. However, I am not angry at the person who passed it to me becasue frankly, she didnt know she had it and was quite explosive when I confronted her on it. I have this for life and I hate it, I feel plagued everytime it rears its ugly head. But I am learning to deal with it and focusing on hope and getting creative with alternative prevention and that gives me the Hope. Your x probably has several issues that she is dealing with and was humiliated and terrified to tell you, though I am not condoning her decision. As a final thought, consider all the horrible ways that people contract H2, at least you can trace yours to a healthy relationship with no guilt to have to explain.

I do hope you the best, its not easy.

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I agree with aquatic. It's a life changing thing and she should have told you before sleeping with you. I'd be pretty mad. It sounds like she has some issues, and you got wrapped up in that. I got mine from an assault, so it could be worse! This is a really good community for feeling better about it though. The chat room is nice too if you have questions about it and want advice from some fellow h-sters

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So I was diagnosed after a visual inspection 6 months ago. I had a very painful first outbreak and then a few smaller outbreaks have followed about once a month. Totally sucks and I hate everything right now.

But my question is am I wrong for holding so much hate towards the person who gave me herpes?

We started dating, slept with each other, and then she told me she had herpes. She said she couldn't tell me at first because she "liked me too much" and "didn't want it to ruin things". So this was obviously a huge shock for me. I got my outbreak shortly after this talk while we were still together. Once I had the outbreak I started to freak out. She was not sympathetic at all. She would just tell me "it's really not a big deal, everyone has it". I was like WTF!!!!!!!!! Are you serious!!! You just gave me an STD that I will have for the rest of my life!!

The next few months were very tumultuous. We were off and on, most of the issues stemming from my herpes diagnosis. We stopped talking for a couple months and now I contact her to find out she has a new boyfriend who she is in love with!!! And get this, she told him she had herpes BEFORE they slept together. Wish she would have been so kind to me.

So I am basically fuming like crazy. She won't even talk to me and I feel so f'ing betrayed. How can someone be so nonchalant about this? Is there any hope? I feel like a leper. I have gone to herpes dating sites and those only make me more depressed. This sh*t sucks

Thanks for listening

Yep I'd be mad as hell too!! However, at some point you do need to let go of that anger cos it isn't healthy & is counter productive to your healing & keeping OB's at bay. hugs xx

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Domad,

You have every right to feel angry, and even betrayed. Not only did your ex-girlfriend not tell you that she had herpes, but she seemed to have a very blase (couldn't find the accent for the "e") attitude about it, most likely because she was embarassed and knew she had made a mistake by not telling you. I'm still trying to figure out if my ex-boyfriend has herpes (I think I got them from him), but he is not returning any of my e-mails, messages, or texts. After lying to me and cheating on me, he now won't even respond to the news about my recent diagnosis.

Enough about me-I only told you this story because I wanted you to know that I understand what it feels like to be angry and betrayed. Also, you are not a leper! I wish there were more words I could say to make you feel better, but all I can say is that hopefully it will get better for you. I'm not going to go to the herpes dating site, because I figure I'll meet someone when it's time, the way I would if I didn't have herpes. After I know that he cares about me for who I am as a person, and long before we get intimate, I'll tell him about the herpes. Being honest and explaining the facts to him is all I can do, which is more than our exes have done for us. So, please find peace in knowing that there is probably a great girl out there for you (with or without herpes), someone who will be honest with you, and someone who will love you exactly the way you are.

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Domad...I understand you feeling like a leper. This was always the thing I feared, and now I have it. I am sorry she didn't tell you; that is not fair to not give you a choice...I feel like I didn't have a choice either. Some people suck! Now to make myself feel better I look back over the years and think wow I'm surprised I never got this before. It could have happened years ago and didn't. It seems to be so common. That helps me to not be quite as angry.

I have a friend with hsv2 who got me through the first week of diagnosis... he said the best thing about having herpes is now I don't have to worry about getting it. He told me this in my depths of despair during a feverish horrible outbreak when I asked for something to make me feel better. :) I was grasping for positivity.

I have not yet had to have "the talk" with someone and am not looking forward to ever having it. However, the person I got it from, had he told me he had it, I would have risked it for him, and continued seeing him. So I guess my point is that there will be a girl that thinks you are worth it and then you will know that she likes/loves you for you and not just the sex part. And the best part is you will give her the choice and be a much better person than your ex.

Are you on meds to prevent outbreaks? Do you exercise to relieve some of your anger and stress? (I deal with bad things by running and exercising and it helps a lot.)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I would sue her ass. She knew she had it and didn't tell you? You have every right in the world to be angry. Some people are mean, selfish, and plain trifling. Report her to the health dept.

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Whenever you are tested for an std the results are reported. That's how they're able to prosecute people. My friend dated a guy that was hiv positive. A year later he was on the news for knowingly infecting numerous women. In the news clip they stated he had been positive since 1989. And in 2008 he'd been treated for gonorrhea TWICE!

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omg! i felt the exact same way! i still dont know who gave it to me but believe me if i find out.... ill have their balls.

i feel like a leper too. my boyfriend and i have been together for only a few months and he still accepts me even after all this. but you defintly have every right to be angry. im very very new to herpes and im very very ashamed of it as well.

but youll find someone who loves you and respects you no matter what your situation is.... and if they dont then they arent right for you anyway. but you've already made it this far so that gives other newbies like me hope that what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger :)

thanks for sharing your story!

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Angryblwmn, your #9 response indicates a high degree of anger. This is a support website and everybody on this site is looking for encouragment, not tools for retaliation. Please limit your anger to your own experiences and not use it to recommend an angry, destuctive action towards another. We are all in the same boat and all have felt angry, confused, leprous, vicitmized, traumatized, pain.

To all, anger is a natural human emotion. It can be positve to help you address a problem and come out a winner, or, it can become a cancer eating away at you until you are bitter and old and miserable with everything around you.

I believe in the military circle its reportable. When I passed it to my wife unknowingly and her doctor discovered it on a routine exam the doctor was adamant about tracing it.

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So I was diagnosed after a visual inspection 6 months ago. I had a very painful first outbreak and then a few smaller outbreaks have followed about once a month. Totally sucks and I hate everything right now.

But my question is am I wrong for holding so much hate towards the person who gave me herpes?

We started dating, slept with each other, and then she told me she had herpes. She said she couldn't tell me at first because she "liked me too much" and "didn't want it to ruin things". So this was obviously a huge shock for me. I got my outbreak shortly after this talk while we were still together. Once I had the outbreak I started to freak out. She was not sympathetic at all. She would just tell me "it's really not a big deal, everyone has it". I was like WTF!!!!!!!!! Are you serious!!! You just gave me an STD that I will have for the rest of my life!!

The next few months were very tumultuous. We were off and on, most of the issues stemming from my herpes diagnosis. We stopped talking for a couple months and now I contact her to find out she has a new boyfriend who she is in love with!!! And get this, she told him she had herpes BEFORE they slept together. Wish she would have been so kind to me.

So I am basically fuming like crazy. She won't even talk to me and I feel so f'ing betrayed. How can someone be so nonchalant about this? Is there any hope? I feel like a leper. I have gone to herpes dating sites and those only make me more depressed. This sh*t sucks

Thanks for listening

Hi domad, welcome.

I am new here too, as of today and the same thing actually happened to me! I can definitely relate. My ex was a liar, that's all he knew how to do.. He was distant especially when I got diagnosed about 5 months ago and then I told him. Later on he told me "Oh, I suspected I had something from a previous girlfriend." I was livid. I had so much hate. Then we broke up and I'm really happy, besides the worries of the diagnosis. I am happier knowing that I don't have to be lied to and betrayed and I can move on. Herpes has many efficient treatments, so there is hope for less outbreaks and recurrences. It's best to find someone who understands and is supportive and is also honest. There are many people who will like/love you even with herpes. It's not the end of the world, you just have to be careful with contact and being aware of the next outbreaks (The tingly feeling on the affected area is one of the first signs that the herpes virus is active.)

I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk, I'd be glad to listen. I went through a very similar situation. :)

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Aquatic you damned skippy i'm angry. Why does it bother you so much? It's WRONG to sleep with someone and NOT tell them your status. HIV HPV HSV!!!!!!!!! WRONG WRONG WRONG! And YES they should be reported if they are out here infecting people.

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Aquatic you damned skippy i'm angry. Why does it bother you so much? It's WRONG to sleep with someone and NOT tell them your status. HIV HPV HSV!!!!!!!!! WRONG WRONG WRONG! And YES they should be reported if they are out here infecting people.

This thread is about anger and not legal action so I dont want to get off-subject. My intention was not to be an antagonist but rather to point out potential harm and an alternative view. You have reason to be angry and I dont know your story. The typical method and nature of this disease is angering not to mention the different facets of the deliverers character.

I agree that people who are carelessly spreading disease need to be checked and reported and then tried if its intentional (criminal), as you indicated in post #13. Not everybody who makes a mistake or a bad judgement deserves to be 'reported' or sued. Also, as it is stated so much on this website that H is not that big a deal, think about how many cariers of H are ignorant about spreading it. Thinking that if they have no sore on their junk that they are noncommunicable. Anger is blind, search the big picture to reveal the truth, the truth will set free, freedom will promote rightfull action.

You ask why I care. Perspective and compassion. Millions and millions of victims around the world have physical and emotioal scars to carry for the rest of their lives, in comparison, 'H' is not that bad. The list of atrocities that man does to man and the unfair selection of the innocent is sickening. i was angry at one time and paid the piper for it, almost lost my family. I have a sleep disorder (google it cause the courts didnt believe me) and I acted out my violent dreams. I got reported by an aquaintence and was arrested the next day.

YOU are in control of reporting or forgiving, but before you condemn the weaknesses of your enemy, search your own first. Choose your own destiny. Peace, joy, love, hope...anger, bitterness, hate, conflict.

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@ Aquatic. Not that big of a deal? Are you kidding me? That statement ALONE tells me that we will never see eye to eye. Nothing you said made any sense to me. But thanks for the effort.

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People do bad things to one another, for a variety of reasons... not always out of malice or selfishness, but the results are still unfortunate. This thread is not about you, though, Angryblwmn, or your desire for retribution. It's about domad, and his problems accepting the circumstances of his infection. Perhaps you might start your own thread where you can voice your displeasure with people who don't disclose... in Rant and Rave, maybe. That would be a good place to get it all off your chest. There are a lot of other hurt and angry people here who, I'm sure, would agree with you.

Domad... if it's any small consolation, the fact that she told her next bf before becoming intimate tells me that she did, indeed, feel badly about infecting you with the virus, and probably learned her lesson about holding back until it was too late. It may well be guilt that keeps her from responding to you.

Often, when we don't know how to respond to someone we've hurt, it's easier to simply avoid the whole situation, and pretend it didn't happen. Of course, that doesn't help you any, because you're left hanging with no sense of closure or resolution to the issue. A sincere apology from her, and an acknowlegement that she made a mistake, would probably go a long way toward easing your feelings of anger and betrayal. Unfortunately, you can't force her, and if you did, it wouldn't mean as much as if she offered it willingly.

Those feelings of betrayal will probably linger with you for a long time. Maybe forever. It's a difficult hurt to heal completely. It almost always leaves a scar. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't move on. You can't change people. You can't make weak people strong, or magically infuse someone with questionable morals with integrity. Wouldn't it be nice if we could?

You sound like a good person, and it's really unfortunate that this happened to you. You just learned how disappointing people can be. It's a hard lesson to learn, but we all have to learn it sooner or later. Once you recover (and you will), it gets easier, because you'll be wiser. Take it from an old broad... you can't carry every hurt and betrayal with you in life. If you do, sooner or later, the weight will bring you to your knees. Lay it down and walk away. There are better days (and better people) in your future. I promise.

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@ Ms Lucy. I never said it was about me. Nor did I say I was looking for retribution at any time! What's wrong? Have you infected someone (by mistake) as well. I simply said YES he has the right to be angry. Yes her ass should be reported to the health dept. And YES there is some validity in his feelings. Just saying life moves on, no big deal, it's unfortunate, is how it's getting spread!!!!! It is a big deal! And alot more than just unfortunate. For me at least. I valued the quality of life I had. Sad to say maybe many of you did not. Still you cannot judge me for it.

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Angryblwmn-

I refuse to be drawn into an argument with you, so let me just say... I was not judging you, but simply suggesting you start your own thread. The reason for this was because domad's problem was being lost in the clutter. There are many here who support your point of view. Starting your own thread would give them a chance to sound off about what they're angry about, too.

And FYI... no, I never have passed it on to anyone. As a matter of fact, I got it from my bf, who I'm still with. And no, I'm not angry about it at all.

Have a good Christmas.

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the only thing that I will add to MsLucy's comment is from the will smith remake..."hate in your heart will hurt you too". and this is true, bitterness breeds bitterness breeds bitterness. Most dont know they have this and pass it unknowingly. those that do deserve pity, can you imagine being so sad in your life that you have to lie to get laid? doubt it will help, just my thoughts.

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So I was diagnosed after a visual inspection 6 months ago. I had a very painful first outbreak and then a few smaller outbreaks have followed about once a month. Totally sucks and I hate everything right now.

But my question is am I wrong for holding so much hate towards the person who gave me herpes?

We started dating, slept with each other, and then she told me she had herpes. She said she couldn't tell me at first because she "liked me too much" and "didn't want it to ruin things". So this was obviously a huge shock for me. I got my outbreak shortly after this talk while we were still together. Once I had the outbreak I started to freak out. She was not sympathetic at all. She would just tell me "it's really not a big deal, everyone has it". I was like WTF!!!!!!!!! Are you serious!!! You just gave me an STD that I will have for the rest of my life!!

The next few months were very tumultuous. We were off and on, most of the issues stemming from my herpes diagnosis. We stopped talking for a couple months and now I contact her to find out she has a new boyfriend who she is in love with!!! And get this, she told him she had herpes BEFORE they slept together. Wish she would have been so kind to me.

So I am basically fuming like crazy. She won't even talk to me and I feel so f'ing betrayed. How can someone be so nonchalant about this? Is there any hope? I feel like a leper. I have gone to herpes dating sites and those only make me more depressed. This sh*t sucks

Thanks for listening

My ex-wife remarried a few years ago. I'd like to think she told her latest victim (err...husband) her status but leopards seldom change their spots.

Your anger isn't so much a matter of right or wrong as it is an understandable reaction. When someone is infected in this matter, regardless of age or gender, they will feel betrayed and become angry. The real question is how you will handle your anger. That part is up to you and no one can tell what to do.

Depending upon your age and your location you may have some resources open to you. The biggest problem is that the available pool of women you can date from has shrunk dramatically. I say this because I assume you have no intention of treating another woman as your ex treated you. I hope not.

Hope is a relative thing. All it takes is one person who cares enough to take the chance of getting close. Unfortunately, such people are few and far between. To any hsv- man or woman currently involved with a partner with herpes I can only say that I admire your courage and respect your humanity.

My feelings on dating sites are well known. Online dating is truly one of the most shallow experiences that I can think of. I say this in the general sense because there are a lot of good men and women who date in that fashion. Most of us here, unfortunately, get hit by losers and scammers. It can help you but it can also be very depressing as you've mentioned. If anyone reads this PLEASE ANSWER YOUR EMAILS ON THESE SITES. That is even if you aren't interested in the other person.

In the meantime, get out and about and get involved in things that take your mind off your hsv status.

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