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This is me and I want to Die


nice

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I was first diagnosed at 13, 13!!!!! I was in terrible pain with blisters all over my vagina, big ones! I kept putting on heaps of vitamin E cream, I remember being at home for days with this horrible pain, not being able to urinate without screaming in pain. My mum has a mental illness and i suppose she didnt know what to do. I remember she rushed me to emergency for help. they told me to wait in the waiting area but i couldnt sit down. so my mum told them and i got given a bed. It was terrible :(. I was diagnosed with Hsv2:pcguru:. Ive never dealt with it properly I suppose talking about it just makes me feel ashamed and embarressed. It gets worse.... when i was 15 I was diagnosed with Hsv2 on my right middle finger. I tried zovirax when i was in hospital which made me spew and feel real ill. I tried valtrex which gave me a horrible bad rash on the side of my face. I tried Famvir which seemed to make my symptoms worse, there are no other options for medication where i am in Brisbane Australia. Ive used the cream a million times but it doesnt reduce syptoms or help stop reoccurence. Ive been putting up with herpes for 10 years I dont know what to do, having it on my middle finger for years and the past two years it has started to spread to the palm of my hand. I used to work at the casino dealing cards, it was what i always wanted to do but the pain of having herpes on my hand lead me to deep depression, im on antidepressants now. I have no job now, i so badly just want to be normal without having this stress and pain of herpes. Im sick of dealing with it. Im sick of wearing bandaids, my family is scared of me and at times ive just wanted to scream. There is nothing i can do to be normal. There are so many things i cant do like dishes - but i do it in pain, cooking, cutting things up for cooking - but i do it in pain. Ive been soo bad i cant even write but ive had to because of work - hold in all that pain. I just want to die. There is no justification in todays world. I dont want to wear gloves all the time so people dont catch it off me, I dont care Im scared of myself most of the time. I look at my hand with herpes on it and i think yuck Im a disgusting person eww look at that gross. Im never goin to be able to find a husband. If I ended up pregnant it would probably be taken away because the government would think that I would give it to my baby, How could I get things done that needed to be done with this pain and a baby anyway? Im doomed I have nothing to look forward to in life.

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big hugs nice..................your story is a very sad one indeed. I'm just wondering do you always go to the same doctor? If you do, would you consider they're doing their utmost best to help you? If not, I'd consider trying someone else? The pain you speak of sounds unbearable!! You're not doomed, you just need some help....better pain management, better treatment, maybe even some counselling. One thing you do have, is all of us here, you're not alone any more. hugs xx

If anyone on the forum has Herpes Whitlow, it would be much appreciated if you could respond to this thread.

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I wish I could help - your story is heartbreaking. I didn't even know this was possible. I came on to vent because I was upset and feel that doctors don't even know as much as people on the internet - and yet now I've found all these forums, I don't feel so alone. It doesn't help you with your day to day life but I hope you know that there are people thinking of you and hoping for you. I read today that there is a new drug not far off, does anyone have any news about that?

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Thanks, reading these two posts makes me cry. Just knowing there are people that wish they could help, I only just discovered dynamiclear on the internet but im yet to try it, I found that the local chemist sells it also. Its $15 though and not working and all money is scarce, do you guys think i should try it on my hand? Its worth a trey i suppose but its always going to come back thats jus one thing that pisses me off.

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I have no personal experience with dynamiclear nice, but yeah it's probably worth a go especially on your hand. Either it will help or it won't. If it helps yippee!!! Goodluck xx

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I know what your saying nice. Over the spring think I got a cold sore either from my family(sis didn't know she had it) or from my roommate indirect contact(once hookah once borrowed juice). I thought it was a pimple and popped it and must not have washed with soap. And it moved to my hand. I when single blisters would reoccurred I neglected to bandage them(2nd worst mistake of my life) and they spread to other fingers. I then touched my genitals and it spread there. So over the course of 10 month I have ruined my life. I wish had moved out of the house I was sharing with my ex-roommate(greatest mistake of my life), almost did move out early but had practical difficulties. I also want to die. I think about that when Im not finding how bad my decisions were. It funny how you build you life for 25 years and it all goes away in 10 months. I didn't realize how dangerous my actions were. Why was uninformed. I have been taking recently lysine and haven't had a breakout. Sometime I think about the future but my body becomes numb and I start shaking. I don't know if I can live with this virus.

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I dont know if i can live with it either but i have. Im glad the lysine has been working for you and im goin to give it a go myself. U give me a reason to live now because im not alone and i hope you feel the same. You know where i am i added u as a friend. Keep your chin up :)

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It's hard to read these kinds of posts. I wrote my "I want to die" post as well about a month ago on here. I can relate to you both and feel your pain. Feel free to look up my past posts and you will see that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Hugs to both of you.

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Us who suffer need to consider the mental aspect as well as the physical side as they all help this virus thrive. At 13 with no support you really were not equipped to deal with this. At 24, bar this site, I have had minimal support and its a head^uck for me and I consider myself quite strong.

Your story saddened me and I agree with the others, go see another doc mayve?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I stil am yet to c another doctor but il get round to it, i like this site it makes me feel welcome and not alone, surrounded by people who understand me and do not judge me as a virus, or a walking disease, makes me feel like a person. Im sorry if u have had a bad experience blue eyes but i thankfully have only had good exoperiences from this site, the only thing i worry about is dwelling over herpes too much. Please blue eyes dont let a bad experience lead u astray as ur support has made me stronger and it would be nice to keep you around.

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  • 3 weeks later...
:madd:;)Hi. I have had genital Herpes for ten years now. I didn't know what it was at first, because I wasn't sexually active at that time. I thought it was eczema, which I was born with, but it's not. In the last two years it has gotten much worse. I finally went to a nurse practitioner, and she prescribed Acyclovir. It's helping a little bit, but not that much. For some reason, it gets worse after showering. Anyway, anyone have any other hopefully low cost remedies to share? What a depressing condition this is. Thanks to all in advance.
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Hi & welcome Dimstar

I'm fairly new to GHSV but I did wonder if perhaps you are washing with some soap or whatever you're using that's not agreeing with you? I use a fragrance free non-perfumed soap and it's also free of nasties!! It could be worth a try to stop using what you're using.

hugs

xx

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Hi dOOm kitty, I've tried several types of soaps but they all seem to affect me pretty much the same. I think I will look into what you've suggested though. Without getting too graphic, my condition scabs up, then just breaks out again. I'm also using calamine lotion which helps a little bit. Thank you kindly for the suggestion. Peace.:wavey:

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help with itchy mouth

thank you, for everyone that wrote on here.. i know wasn't meant for me but after reading it helps me also...

im miserable and i seem to have a out break so much i have 2 forms and the worse is orally, i dont have sores noticeable they are all inside my mouth so my mouth seems to itch non stop.. what can i do to get rid of that itchy feeling?

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Hi dOOm kitty, I've tried several types of soaps but they all seem to affect me pretty much the same. I think I will look into what you've suggested though. Without getting too graphic, my condition scabs up, then just breaks out again. I'm also using calamine lotion which helps a little bit. Thank you kindly for the suggestion. Peace.:wavey:

You're very welcome Dimstar........I hope you find a solution. I know from past experience, pre H, that there is lots of lotions/soaps etc available that are free of lots of different chemicals & so forth. I'm sure finding something as natural as possible should help. I'm guessing with your experience with being born with eczema you're well aware of all of that anyhow. Also, just wondering if perhaps you're overdoing things with cleaning down under, or not rinsing enough, or drying yourself enough? All just thoughts?? Anyhow, goodluck!! xx

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thank you, for everyone that wrote on here.. i know wasn't meant for me but after reading it helps me also...

im miserable and i seem to have a out break so much i have 2 forms and the worse is orally, i dont have sores noticeable they are all inside my mouth so my mouth seems to itch non stop.. what can i do to get rid of that itchy feeling?

Hi jodee, I don't have OHSV, but I'm wondering if the sores inside your mouth are actually something else? I'm thinking perhaps you should see your doctor & see what they think? Goodluck xx

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I don't have whitlow but I have to deal with constant OB's on my face. I went to several doctors and had multiple tests. Nothing really helped but I got several perscriptions that I keep filled. I take 800mgs of Zovirex twice a day and pile on additional Famvir and Acyclovir when it starts getting bad. The only thing that has helped is high doses of antivirals. It keeps the OB small and doesn't last long. I still get a lot but life is more tolerable now. My jaw just started hurting tonight which means I'm in for another big one. I just popped 5 Famvir and will take another 5 in a couple hours. Hopefully it will stay down. I agree this virus is evil but there are a lot of good people here who will help. They helped me and I hope they can help you too. Hang in there - it will get better.

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Hi, I have onbly been diagnosed for 2 days! So struggeling myself.. Although I have been given a cream called lidocaine, its a type of numbing ointment that really helps! Tc xx

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answering.. someone's question

hi there,

im not sure if im posting right on here.. ok from whati was told when i found out in the summer that i had herpes what i have in my mouth is herpes, and thats why it itches , but then he tells me that the meds should be helping with the many out breaks im having... so now they are going to swab my lesions in my mouth ..

i dont know what to think now, and if this is all from herpes why do i keep havign a out break all the time when i take the meds ..

i went to the dentist and its not a infection , so im hoping that the dr will find something and be able to help me with the itchy feeling in my mouth..

thank you all for being kind.. and giving my some ideas thankl you

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omg your story brought me to tears. I don't know if you believe in GOD but I do and I will pray for you! You need to find mental strenth my love, find mental strength and fight the depression....hang in there...GOD BLESS, MUCH LOVE....24/F/NEVADA USA

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I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. When I first contracted GH over 20 years ago I felt the same way. I had horrible outbreaks! I wore rubber gloves, band aids, washed hands until sore. I thought I would never have a normal life again. As the years passed, the outbreaks became less and less and most of the time I don't even think about still having it now. Things WILL get better and life will become more "normal". It will be okay. Hang in there, and try to love and take care of yourself.

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I agree with some of the others here--you need to get another doctor. I would suggest that you go to an STD clinic because they are the ones who seem to know the most about this stuff. I had a number of difficult minor but annoying symptoms from my hsv2GH (which I have had for about 17 years) and saw several doctors who did nothing to help me. Then I found a gynecologist who specializes in herpes and he has been wonderfully helpful and these symptoms have now cleared up. A good doctor can make a world of difference. Unfortunately, many doctors do not really know that much about herpes because it is a minor condition medically speaking for most who have it and because information about herpes is often out of date or incomplete. STD clinics and gynecologists who specialize in herpes seem to be good bets for many infected hsv people.

Lysine helps many people, and so does vitamin C (I use powdered ester-C). I also take 2 ginseng capsules every morning and it has helped a lot. Some people have used fresh (not bottled or lotion) aloe vera on oral outbreaks so maybe it would help (you'd need to buy the aloe vera in a nursery but it is easy to grow on a sunny windowsill). I have used Dynamaclear and it has helped me a lot; it can even prevent future outbreaks for some people who use it. It IS expensive but you only need to use one drop per outbreak so it lasts a long time and you will need less and less of it if it works properly.

Nice, you have really had a hard time. One of these days there will be a cure, or at least much better medical management of this so please do not give up. Your family is ignorant if they are afraid of you; if you use normal good hygiene there is no reason you should give this to anyone. Herpes Witlow is fairly rare and not that easy to catch. You were very young when you got it so it probably had to do with a young immune system. With some better medical management, it should get better at some point. So please just hang in there. Do whatever you can to feel better, take care of your health, meditate, exercise and be more relaxed and maybe that will help; stress only makes herpes worse.

And do remember to drink plenty of water. Most people do not drink enough water. I drink two full (about 10-12 oz.) glasses of water first thing in the morning, with a half of a fresh lemon or lime squeezed into the first glass, the I wait about 45 minutes before eating anything. Doing this is said to make your body more alkaline, which means more resistant to infections of all kinds, and it also hydrates you at the start of the day. Since it is easy to do, you might give it a try. (Studies in Japan showed that almost everyone who does this will get healthier in 3-6 months).

Keep letting us know how you are doing. We do care!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi everyone Thanx for all your posts, Ive tried taking llysine and zinc and vitamin c tablets which helps alot and ive learn sooo much from this site, when i get outbreaks on my hand it really makes me depressed because it stops me from doing eveyday things but the llysine has really stopped alot of the outbreaks its amazing!!! Why didnt the stupid doctors tell me about this?? They dont know anything ive been to a few most of them dont know much. The best way to learn is from this site! Thank you everyone for telling me about llysine it really has made my life a whole lot easier.

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i am so sorry and i cant really relate but i did lose my son because of this virus (i contracted while i was pregnant and he got it in his brain, blood, spinal fluid, all organs, and his skin. those who have this virus can produce perfectly healthy babys with the correct precautions) i had my son for 31 days and as a mother i absolutly believe that everyone (every good person) deserves to have the experience of creating another life. do not let this virus win Nice. you CAN find a man, the perfect man and with him you CAN have children. you will do what you have to, adapt, to take care of your baby or babies. the only way this virus can ruin our lives is if WE let it.

i will keep you in my prayers nice, keep your head up

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Nice:

I'm very sorry to hear your story. You have certainly been through a lot in your life, but this is no reason to want to die. You have an illness, you are not a virus, a walking disease or anything else except human. You must start believing that and taking care of yourself first.

In reading your first post, my initial thought was if you have had a complete medical exam done? Not just a herpes test, but a full exam by a doctor that includes blood work, physical exam, urinalysis to start. You are have had/are having some pretty severe symptoms which makes me think your immune system is really not functioning well.

I would highly suggest evaluating your diet, overall health, and exercise regime. Getting your body in the healthiest state possible (and hence boosting your immune system) is the best way to reducing symptoms.

Glad to hear the lysine worked. That doesn't always work for everyone and doctors won't recommend it because it is an alternative/herbal treatment and not a drug. Other things that you could consider would be vitamin D3 (boost your immune system) and zinc supplements. I'd highly recommend finding a doctor that you can work with and discuss the supplements before you take anything.

Also, the best source for getting answers on medication and/or vitamins or supplements is your local pharmacist. Here in the States, the pharmacists are often under utilized, but they are the front line when it comes to knowing how a drug/supplement/vitamin will be metabolized in the body and what side effects to watch for. I have found that they are usually really very eager to help, since they rarely get patients who are interested in being more informed.

Good luck to you.

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    • WilsoInAus
      Hi there @ScubaSteeve and welcome to the website. If you have had genital HSV for 10 years there is a chance the testing did not distinguish type. The answers to the following questions will help a bit: - where are your outbreaks specifically and what frequency? - have you had any IgG antibody testing for HSV?
    • CHT
      Hi LLS.... I'm very sorry you are having so much discomfort from this outbreak.... the first outbreaks are always the most troublesome but  they will get less aggressive as time passes.  I personally find that valacyclovir is much more effective than just acyclovir so you may want to ask your doctor about switching and seeing if that helps.  Ask your doctor on Saturday if you really need to take a higher dose.... and as WilsoInAus suggested, I would ask for a 1,000 mg tablets with at least a 90 day supply to start.  As for pain, you may want to ask your doctor for a Rx of Zovirax ointment.... it contains acyclovir and the ointment form calms the sores down and reduces friction.... it should lessen the pain down there. As for diet, many people, myself included, learn what foods often act as triggers for outbreaks.  I can tell you from experience that the following are big outbreak triggers for me:   1. Too much caffeine (I've basically stopped coffee and have learned to enjoy a variety of decaf teas) 2. Any kind of nuts - including corn and even popcorn 3. Chocolate 4. Too much alcohol - particularly red wines  5. If possible, avoid any kind of steroids/immunosuppressants like prednisone in high doses.... anything that suppresses your immune system will give the virus free rein to run amuck - I learned this the hard way! 6, Stress.... although easier said than done, it will help with your overall health.  Studies show that stress is a common HSV outbreak trigger.... try to find a way to lower your stress levels. 7. lack of sleep.... personally, if I get less than 6  hours of sleep this often leads to an outbreak within a day or two.... work at getting a good 7-8 hours of solid sleep each night (I often use melatonin to help here). Some people find certain vitamins that boost the immune system, like zinc, help with overall healing and can lessen the severity of outbreaks and possibly prevent some outbreaks.  I personally take a number of antiviral/anti-inflammatory/anti-oxidant herbs/vitamins not so much for my HSV2 but for overall health (I don't have the healthiest of diets so, I feel I need to supplement to offset my lousy diet).  A google search of supplements that help with herpes will provide you with a long list of vitamins/herbs that may be of benefit but, try not to get carried away - many/most won't make much, if any, difference.... but, you can always experiment. As WilsoInAus also mentioned, a healthy diet is likely your best option. I should also mention that while some find vitamin C to be helpful, I found it to have the opposite effect.... the more I took the more it seemed to provoke outbreaks.   Things are always the toughest after initial infection.... it's going to get better, trust me.  Stick with the antiviral meds daily, try not to obsess on the fact you've contracted this virus, and try to avoid some of those triggers relating to outbreaks.  With time the number of outbreaks starts to decline and when you do have an outbreak, they will become less virulent. As WilsoInAus mentioned, a lot of your achiness, pain and overall flu-like symptoms are related to the fact your immune system is adjusting to this virus.... these lousy symptoms are just your immune system in action working to do its best to fight this virus... with time these symptoms will also lessen and disappear.   I hope this helps in some way.... please let us know if you have more questions.... and remember, go easy on yourself right now.... turn to those things in your life that calm you and also distract you from obsessing over the virus situation.  You are going to be just fine.... just give yourself some time to get past this initial unpleasant phase.... it will get better, I promise.    
    • Justme88
      Thanks.
    • ScubaSteeve
      I was diagnosed with HPV2 ten years ago, which I contracted from an ex-girlfriend who was unaware she had it. Since then, I've lived a reserved life, not really opening up to others. There was only one person I felt interested in enough to share this with, but it didn't work out. There have been a few instances where I've let my guard down, had a night out, and ended up sleeping with someone. I know I should feel guilty about not discussing it beforehand, but I found it challenging because they know my family, and it felt overwhelming at the time, and I had alot of pent up desires from not ever being with someone for a long time.  After finally opening up to someone and realizing it wasn't the end of the world, I now understand that finding the right partner might be a matter of numbers. I desire to have more intimate relationships but need to find better ways to approach this topic and ensure I never spread it.  Thank you all for providing a space where I can be myself.
    • i82much2young
      My swab results won’t be ready for another 5 days. Is there any harm is continuing the Valacyclovir? I was prescribed 1gm tablets for 10 days.
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