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Relationship Question - Big Decision


naj3314

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So i would like to get some advice on what others would do in my current situation. I just got diagnosed a little over two weeks ago and told my partner about the outcome immediately. We havent been dating long (maybe 2 months) but have known eachother for years. I let her know that she needed to do research and make sure staying with me was worth the risk. She responded with "You are worth the risk" and she also isnt afraid of contracting HSV. She sees herself with me for the long run and even though we havent "dated" that long i see it the same way. She wants to skip condoms...What do i do?

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I'm in the same boat with my boyfriend :( I feel like I would be selfish by letting him contract herpes... I'd also feel guilt. But I feel like this will be a really big step in your relationship if you two decide to stay together. This just shows that she is willing to contract it to be with you :) But I guess you need to make sure that if things don't work out between you two, that she won't turn around and blame you for contracting it. I feel like some people would use the line "but I stayed with you even with herpes, and now we're breaking up?!"

Either way, give her some more time to think about it to be TRULY sure. Until you're comfortable with the fact that she is willing to take the risk, use condoms and be careful.

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naj, I'm in the same position as your girlfriend. I also did the research and decided that herpes is not too big a risk compared to the benefit of this wonderful man in my life.

Something for you to consider (a conclusion I came to regarding my boyfriend) is that you are probably the "safest" partner your gal could have. She KNOWS what you have. And she knows about your honesty and integrity, because you told her.

With anyone else, she would not know. Another person might have herpes (or other conditions) but not know it. Or he could have it and not tell. Or he could have it and know, but lie about it.

With you, she knows.

And she is an adult who is capable of making her own informed decision. As long as you can live with it, it should be okay.

Can you know for sure that she won't come back with recriminations if the relationship doesn't work out for any reason? No, you can't. You have to trust that you know her character well enough when it comes to that. I know in my own mind that I would never go there if I got herpes from my guy. But your gal may or may not have considered that.

I did consider all the possibilities. I decided that unless I could accept the worst case scenario, I would have to walk away from intimacy with this man.

I didn't walk away.

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How long have you been with him and have you contacted it? Also, do you use contraceptives all the time? If thats too personal no worries ;)

We first became intimate back in June of this year. Because of work schedules and distance, we don't have very frequent sex (not nearly as frequent as I would like!).

I seem to have not contracted herpes thus far. No symptoms, and I did get a clear blood test in October.

By contraceptives, I'm assuming you mean condoms. No, we do not use them every time. We don't use them at all for oral.

As info, he has had herpes for a bit over 5 years and his outbreaks are infrequent --- less than 1/year.

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Of course you are still worried. There is definitely a chance your girlfriend could get herpes, as could I.

If she accepts that there is always a possibility and is okay with it (as I did), then all you have to do is get your own head around the possibility.

Consider...there are much worse things she could encounter in any relationship. I'm assuming you are not abusive or lazy or lacking good personal hygiene or an axe murderer or...

:burnout:

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Lol, not at all. Not to toot my own horn but i am a (semi newly) divorcee. Single, no kids, nice car paid off, good paying job, decent looking and very self sufficent. I dont doubt that she likes me for who i am but i guess you're right. I just have to get my head around the fact that she is willing to catch the virus. I just keep thinking of that old saying "There are plenty of fish in the sea" and i dont want her to settle for the lame fish when she could find a guy like me or better that is w/o issues...

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Lol, not at all. Not to toot my own horn but i am a (semi newly) divorcee. Single, no kids, nice car paid off, good paying job, decent looking and very self sufficent. I dont doubt that she likes me for who i am but i guess you're right. I just have to get my head around the fact that she is willing to catch the virus. I just keep thinking of that old saying "There are plenty of fish in the sea" and i dont want her to settle for the lame fish when she could find a guy like me or better that is w/o issues...

There are lots of fishies in the sea, no doubt. Apparently this gal likes the one on her hook, thinks it looks pretty darned tasty, and sees no reason to try to reel in another. After all, the next one just might be an old muddy boot or even a big, toothy shark!

Seriously, naj --- everyone has issues. EVERYONE!!!

Don't give herpes such power. It isn't nearly the issue that some others are.

:five:

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I've posted this link before in another thread, but I'll post it again here. And I quote the good doctor himself:

"The risk of herpes, either genital or oral, rarely (if ever) is a valid reason to forego an otherwise promising sexual relationship. Sexual and romantic fulfillment are much too important and most cases of herpes much too trivial to allow the one to get in the way of the other. "

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/HSV1---Asymptomatic-Shedding-Risks---oral-and-genital/show/249237

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