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Found out after the fact, holding a grudge


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I think i will give a little back story first because i think context is important.

I knew this girl for about 3 years, during which time we did not like eachother at all. I Thought she was a 'bitch' (sorry for the harsh word) and she thought i was a womanizing asshole. As we later find out we both were projecting those personas, but on the inside we were not like that at all. So we started to hang out for real after 3 years and it turns out we really enjoyed our time together. Eventually we start dating and we are taking the sexual aspect nice and slow which was ok by me. After a few months we started fooling around and after a while we started to have sex. She was on the pill and I did not use condoms. I asked one night if it was ok not to use one (asked right after foreplay) and she said ok after a hesitation. The only worry on my mind at that was a baby as the thought of an std did not cross my mind. I thought the hesitation was pregnancy but as I know now that was not the case.

So that brings me to last night when she says she has something important to tell me. I can tell she is upset but she is having trouble saying whats on her mind. I try to assure her and pry it out (as silly me thinking she is going to tell me she is pregnant or cheated on me). We leave the restaurant and go to her vehicle to talk in privacy. After a while she finally comes out and tells me she has an std, then tells me its Herpes. I was shocked as it caught me way off guard. I know a little about Herpes from highschool but i realized i draw a blank and that i had not remembered anything about that would help me later in life.

She goes on to tell me she found out 3 years ago, she got it from her boyfriend who cheated on her and then denied he had it after she had a flare up and got tested. This did clear up a few questions i had about why she had some trust issues initially with me and why she is extremely jealous. Also made me think about all the std jokes i have thrown around in front of her and how much that must have torn her up inside to hear coming out of my mouth. I would never say anything like that to hurt her but i was unknowingly calling her a **** and whore right to her face and laughing about it. Those horrible and tasteless jokes must have made telling me so hard i could not imagine.

Now here is my selfish dilemma, I think after researching and reading material on H2 i can come to terms and date/marry/be with somebody affected with the virus; however i say that thinking this is the person i have decided to spend the rest of my life with. I feel lied to and betrayed by her not telling me before we got sexual and then again when we started to have condom-less sex . I have other doubts about whether or not i could see myself in a long term relationship with her and i feel like this virus finally pushed me over the edge to end the relationship. I hate the fact that something that makes up nothing about who she really is (which is a wonderful ball of joy) could lead me to these thoughts. I ask myself is that vain? Does letting H2 dictate my relationships make me a judgmental hypocrite?

To make matters worse she takes not preventive measures such as pills, diet or herbal methods to reduce the risk. She said the only real flare she had was 3 years ago after she got it and there have been no real sign or symptoms since. I also question how closely she monitors asymptons which are tough to notice.

Wow i didnt realize how much i had to say until i started writing. I have decided the i will only talk to her or my doctor about this and nobody else. I would always talk to my parents about anything of this important nature as they are my rock, but eventhough i know they would fully accept her if thats what i chose, she could never be with me knowing that. Trust me on that one she would never speak to me again.

Anybody else have a similar situation? How did you cope? What type of questions should I ask myself?

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I'm sorry this happened to you. You have every right to feel betrayed. You are justified in wondering if you can trust her. But what's done is done.

I guess the question you have to ask is if her good qualities are more important to you than her lying to you. You need to have a long talk with her and tell her you need time to decide if you will choose to trust her again. It's a difficult situation, but she lied to you and you have to see her in a different light now.

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Hi Cold:

Wow. This must be a tough situation for you. When I caught Herpes, I caught it from a dishonest man who didn't tell me, and even after me catching it, still fails to admit it to this day. When he KNEW. So, for you to feel so betrayed and put at risk for something that you had not been prepared to ACCEPT THE RISK FOR, I see why you would feel this way. It does not make you a hypocrite, it makes you a human who has reacted to something you feel you should have had the CHOICE to decide upon. No one should make that choice for you.

But I will say one thing, and I really commend you for being the man that you are that you would even CONSIDER still loving a woman who has Herpes. So many people, including myself, harbor this as our biggest fear. Rejection. You have shown me that such men exist that would love a woman for who they are despite them having a contagious skin condition, that really, after all is a skin condition. You see past the stigma, and had she told you the truth, I'm sure you would've been able to decide, and come to the decision to be with her, because as you say, "she is a wonderful ball of joy).

Because after all - you can meet a non-H individual who is horrible.

I am sorry you had to go through this. I didn't forgive the person who gave me Herpes because he was downright dishonest, and took advantage of me, and made himself out to be someone he was not. I would hope that this woman you are so smitten over is a REAL person, and who is genuine enough that you can see past it.

Having Herpes is a really hard pill to swallow for some, and rejection is something no one wants to feel. While I can understand that this was her ultimate fear, I'm sure her honesty from the get-go, would have been much more fulfilling to you, and you would have respected and adored her that much more for being honest about something that is so hard to talk about.

I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide.

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Hi Cold,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. You have every right to be mad as hell and to question whether or not you want to be with this girl. It's one unfortunate thing to get herpes from someone who doesn't know she has it, or to get herpes from someone who knows (and tells you) she has it. It's another thing, however, to find out that someone has herpes, and knew the whole time, after she has slept with you. I am almost 100% positive that I got herpes from my ex-boyfriend (I was just diagnosed last week), and he won't return any of my calls or messages. So, I may never know whether he actually has herpes, or if he even knows if he has them.

I guess the only thing I can tell you is to follow your heart, and to give yourself time to think about whether or not you want to be with this girl. I think it's wonderful that you are considering all aspects of your relationship with her, and not just focusing on the herpes. Not only are you dealing with the potential of having herpes yourself, but you are dealing with the fact that someone you care about has not been totally honest with you. I don't think you're vain at all. You're upset, confused, hurt, and most of all, human.

I hope you find peace in your heart, whatever your decision will be!

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Thankyou everyone for your stories and comment it is really nice to hear from others in similar situations. I have not made any decisions yet as i am still learning more about the condition and having my own tests done. My relationship with her remains status quo and we will spend christmas together. We are not engaging in any sexual activities that will put me at risk until i decide, and I'm ok with that as there are lots of other things you can do with eachother that are just as fun!

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      Hey @WilsoInAus ok thank you, I will do my best to move on and stop trawling forums haha. 
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      Hey @sgt98 but there is no feasible infection or outbreak to suppress and antivirals do not suppress an initial outbreak in any event 
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      Thanks @WilsoInAus I understand apologies for this but the only other thing I am worried about is that I did take a course of Famvir on day 1 as I felt like I was having an outbreak of cold sores and am worried that has suppressed the initial outbreak genitally 
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      Hi @sgt98 it is not feasible to obtain a HSV-2 infection from receiving oral sex - only HSV-1 is feasible but you've already got that and immunity from any further infection with HSV-1. You do not need any further tests for HSV. You're feeling regret, try to forgive yourself and calm down, let the rational take over. You know the answer here and it won't be long until you believe it too.
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Without lesions, it is highly questionable that the ailment is related to herpes, yet testing is useful if you have concerns as you have done so.] About a month after that [herpes causes issues within days, if the first 'symptoms' are a month later - its extremely unlikely they are related to herpes], significant discomfort downstairs, however every test I have ever taken for HSV 1 and 2 has been negative. Here are the details: Face: Previously, some significant tingling and itching on the right side of my mouth, lips and chin (still there, but milder) [herpes does not cause general tingling and itching, it can cause a reasonably concentrated feeling of itch/throb from which a herpes lesion appears within hours]. Occasional hot flashes near my right eye, cheek and ear [herpes does not do this, it may be a immune response to something, or stress]. Sometimes it will feel like the skin is crawling on the right side of my face [herpes does not cause a general crawling sensation]. 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