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32/f/ Anyone from the UK & To tell or not to tell is the question?


hunnie

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Hey all :wavey:, anyone on here from the UK?

Question i keep going over in my head.....why do people with genital herpes HAVE to tell there new partners without fail, when people with facial coldsores dont see that as an issue? They are pretty much the same thing right & Hsv 1&2 can affect both areas. Im not saying its right not to tell your partner, its just over here in the UK genital herpes has such a stigma attached to it, yet facial coldsores are...well just coldsores :confused:

Im sorry for my rant lol :/ Im just feeling so down at the moment, i really do feel im never going to find any guy thats goin to want to be in a relationship with me knowing i have this. Im not a very confident person in general, so having to break news such as this to someone im interested in just seems unrealistic to me :(

Your thoughts, advice or experiences on this would be great to hear. Hope you are all well :) x

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Hi Hunnie

Not in the Uk now, but I am originally from the Edinburgh!. Firstly, WELCOME, glad you found this site, it was a godsend to me when i was first diagnosed back in June.

I know where you are coming from regarding the stigma and should you come to the chat forum you will find that is it not just in the UK that Herpes is a non conversation starter. Its funny because I would also have no porblem saying to anyone, "I think I am getting a coldsore" as most people would be sympathetic, but I would never in a million years bring up the fact that I have genital herpes. Unfortunately, its the society we live in....and up until i contracted it, I was as guilty as anyone of steering well clear of the subject. Had a friend told me that they had herpes, I know i would have been supportive and would have no doubt read up about it in order for me to be able to discuss it with them, but...and here is the but.....if someone I was seeing had told me they had Herpes, I might not have been so understanding. I will never know as to what reaction it would have initiated as now the shoe is on the other foot. What I do know is that the day I find someone who I am really interested in, then i WILL have that conversation as there is no way I would want someone I care about ending up contracting Herpes without giving them the choice. Should they back off, I know I will be devasted and should they want to take the risk, I will be worried for them, but whatever, I know that morally I did right. You get the guys on here saying...well if they leave you after the talk they werent worth it in the first place, but, if I get to that stage of telling them, then Hello, I thought they were worth it and it will knock me and my confidence for six. So...do you or dont you tell???....ultimately, its entirely up to you and your concience, its not a commandment that "Thou must tell" (though I know that in some states in the US, people have been sued for not disclosing) but how would you feel if you gave this to someone else???

I know I haven't answered your question, but you did say all thoughts welcome :) I also wanted to tell you there are quite a few people on here from the UK and to let you know about the chat forum and how nice everyone is on there, it really helped me to be able to talk things through with others in the same situation. Good luck hun, and big hugs. x

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im in the exact same situation and i have no idea what i would do. i think it would depend on where i saw the relationship going and how much i cared about the person. and as much as i would say its prolly easier to not tell, i think i would have to tell bc i know what it felt like to not have the choice. my ex didnt tell me (he didnt know he had it bc he had never broken out).

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Hey I'm Ally 25/m/uk I am new to the world of Herpes I suffer from HSV-2 I would say that Honesty is the best policy I was devastated when I found out that I had HSV-2, I would say that telling your potential partner before you sleep with them would be the best idea if they can't accept it then screw them, they could be in a similar situation oneday and will feel what rejection is like.

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id personnally tell.......

BUT

know that nice wee leaflet you get labled genital herpes when diagnosed at the clinic....

The NHS.... says to just use condoms til you are ready to tell.....

its classed as a common thing and gets spread around easily.

x

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Thats the whole reason why it is spreading rampantly! The wee leaflet didnt explain about viral shedding and the ability to pass with a condom did it. My personal opinion is that I must tell before intimacy. Its only fair to the other person.

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Hiya

Im also from uk and i totally understand where your coming from, however...my ex did not tell me and i was totally shattered when i found out i had it and i know i would never want to make another person feel like that without them having the choice about it in the first place. As hard as it is, i think telling is a must, although i will admit that it has crossed my mind previously that why should i be the good person and potentially be on my own for a while because of it, when others (including my ex) go around sleeping with people and having gf's without disclosing. Then my concience batters those thoughts out of my head and i know what i have to do. If anyone wants to talk, i am always happy to lend an ear and i wouold appreciate a buddy or 2 :)

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  • 1 month later...

Hey there! Im from the uk too and struggled with this question for the past year or so.. Im big on morals and to be honest i have a disslike for people who are disshonest and lie (please dont take that as an offence to yourself). So not telling someone is not an option for me allthough it would be easier right?! Dating to me since contracting HSV 2 has been very rare indeed and i tend to shy away from it completely. How do you tell someone? when do you tell someone? Most of the time i convince myself ill be ok on my own and there is no need to go through the embaresment of telling someone and getting rejected BUT when i really think about it, its agoing to be a sad lonly life with noone to share it with.. I would love to hear peoples experiences with telling potential partners about this for some ideas, even sucess stories for the confidence boost..

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  • 1 month later...

Hey god save the queen I am from the Uk too,

Hope yre all well would like to meet a woman on here we are all in the same boat, telling sum1 is a very hard thing to do its never easy

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  • 1 month later...

Hi

I'm 37/f from the UK. New to the site and newly diagnosed 2 days ago. I went to the walk in clinic and the doctor did a physical exam and diagnosed straight away. He didn't take a swab or blood test. He just gave me a script for aciclovir and sent me on my way...

My head is spinning right now and I feel like I have nobody to talk to. Thank goodness I found this site, its fantastic!

I know I have to go to the gum clinic when it reopens in a couple of days and get properly diagnosed. Whatever happens it has changed me forever, I know that for certain. It would be great to chat to anyone from the UK or anywhere in the world!

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Yep, uk speaking loud and clear here too!

I think pretty much all of us have had this thought: do we have to tell our prospective partners if its merely a coldsore, just not on the lips but below the hips. Couple of things you gotta remember though. Having it below the hips changes the way you behave in terms of your sex-life. This means essentially ppl with some respect for their intended wont have the freedom to have fun whenever they want if they had an OB - they would abstain (well, you could...but) Id imagine this was the same for someone who had a sore on the mouth - kissing would probably be a no-no. If you sleep with someone and not tell them and they contracted this virus, then essentially this basic freedom is taken away from them and you facilitated the taking, regardless of how bad or light their symptoms were. Essentially, as we all know this is a major piss-off, made worse by the fact that the virus is half as bad as social stigmatisms make it out to be. Speaking from personal experience, I had an OB right at the beginning of a new relationship and much that I have liked to, I refrained from sex, despite walking around with the raging horn and indeed being told it was ok if we just used a condom. Fucking frustrating. Also, I told my partner I had the virus and she spoke with her doc for reassurance and then hopped into the sack - fucking amazing to be honest since before I knew about the virus, I would have run a mile out of sheer pig-ignorance. Makes you think about what else you dont really know and fear...

Anyway, enough of the philosophy bollocks - I would say tell. It means being brave and strong and if your intended is any way as half as intelligent as you are, they would appreciate this and see these qualities that your admission has revealed.

I would also say dont hesitate to contacct anyone on this site for help, especially the ppl here from the UK who I know are all looking for others living on common ground.

Cheers

PS two fingers up to that fucking bastard herpes!!

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  • 5 months later...

Hi All

34/m/uk - diagnosed w/ type 2 just over 6 months ago. Hence, had a little time to take it all in & put it into context ...

I too keep thinking about the future and having a relationship and telling my future partner and everything else that everyone else has mentioned!

Bearing in mind that everything we do in our lives is dictated to us by the media. We know what we should like, what we shouldn't, how we should be feeling about something, what we should fear, etc - simply by the shite that's written in the tabloids, magazines, websites, on TV. First of all, we (us lucky H carriers!) need to really understand what we've got and not fear it just because almost every website out there tells us that we've got something really bad.

I've come to the conclusion (from reading Dr. Kinghorn's lecture: http://www.herpes.org.uk/_oldSite/art_kinghorn.html) that carrying the Herpes virus is NOT as serious as we think it is, not spread as easily as we think it could be and he even goes on to say that having herpes is normal. This guy's a leading figure in the field of Herpes research! So, if you're able to get your head around the true facts about the virus, what it does in your body and how it can be spread - AND be able to succinctly convey that to your future partner, they will know that they have nothing to fear.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention - definitely tell your partner! :)

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi all

38/f/uk... I was diagnosed with type 2 genital a week ago and I'm still feeling gutted, angry and fearful of the future. I can handle the physical symptoms no problem...they are temporary and won't kill me. I know that this is just a skin condition which may never come back again..and that even if it does is likely to be less painful than before. I'm good with all that. I'm just gutted about the social aspects of this. I have not told a single person (apart from the person who gave it to me) and never will unless I am planning on intimacy....but then we have a whole new set of issues...when to tell...not being able to just go with it and let things happen naturally... will I be able to be myself with anyone again? This just makes the whole area of relationships a whole new complicated experience. I'm inclined to think that the sooner a prospective partner is told, the better....I just hope I am brave enough to be able to explain H and how I came to have it.

I will definately be reading Dr. Kinghorns lecture. So much fantastic info on the rest of this site too.

So good to know I'm not the only one here from the UK. Please come and chat/message me....

Take care. xx

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Hi all

I am from the UK and have lived with H for 27 years so if anyone wants to ask anything fire away and I will try to answer!!

I agree H does take away the spontinaety of casual sex but I'm afraid there is no way around this as we have a responsibility to inform partners so they can make their own choice (before getting too intimate!)

On the plus side H does make you pick better partners in the long run because you tend to weed out the losers pretty early on as you don't want to waste emotional energy on the talk with someone you know deep down is not really for you!

If it is any consolation, I have never been rejected because of h and am now in a long term relationship with 2 lovely children so it is not all doom and gloom!!

I have never told anyone other than sexual partners so rightly or wrongly I have suffered a lot in silence - I guess its just the way I chose to handle it.

I am here if you need a chat

All the best x

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  • 3 months later...

I'd like to second Fairy dust - I've never not told someone (I was lied to, and I've never been ok with doing it to someone else) and I've never been rejected or turned down, no one has ever been cruel to me about it either. I've had happy, fulfilling serious relationships and casual relationships - all with everyone in the know.

I know it feels like a disaster and it's not the nicest thing in the world, but over time it gets easier, less of an issue, and it's much easier to put in perspective.

I'm also here if anyone needs a chat or a listening ear.

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  • 4 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I'm in America, but I understand your question about telling. Recently a friend of mine was showing me how she got all these cold sores on her lip from being out boating, and I thought to myself how she certainly could pass that on to her boyfriend so easily during oral sex, and yet there is no stigma. It's not fair.

However, I have twice now told a new partner, and both times been accepted. I'm very calm about it when I tell them - ie, this is what happened to me, I can't change it, but we can protect you, and this is what it will require.

The downside is that since my herpes does not respond to meds, I can't have sex all that often because it always hurts. I'm in a long term relationship with a good man, but I have yet to marry him. I'll be honest and say that a big part of the reason I stay is the fear of being alone. I think I would be happier with someone else, and I really crave intellectual discussions and a better mental and emotional connection, but I'm approaching age 40, and I don't want to have to go through the whole telling again. This man already knows that sometimes I just can't have sex and he deals with it.

Hoping for new meds are in the future that might help me. But as far as telling, I sure wish I'd had the chance to protect myself. I would never knowingly expose someone else without giving them the choice.

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