I feel like I'm being punished

[payingahighprice]

Hello to all,

I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago and have still not come to terms with this. So many emotions are involved....guilt, disgust, embarrassment to name a few. I'm older and I feel as if I should've known better to use condoms more frequently. Not to mention, I've always been a VERY sexual person enjoying both men and women...hence, feeling like I'm paying a high price for being overly sexual I guess I should say. I have learned you can carry the virus dormant in your body for quite awhile but that doesn't help the guilt that I infected someone else. I've had to divulge it to someone who had previously been intimate with me and she backed away physically speaking, not that I blame her. I've been seeing the same guy for 3 years even though we're not really a couple cuz I'm soo damned afraid no one else will want me. I'm trying the dating thing and again there's always this cloud hovering over me as to when to divulge my "dirth little secret" and cushioning myself against the rejection possibility. So at my age to me it kinda feels like a death warrant and a stamp that I'll keep settling with this guy or be alone in my old age. Sorry to vent but I've tried dealing with this on my own, and I'm not getting to the acceptance level. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[RealisticGal]

Just some things to consider...

There are folks here who contracted herpes from their very first partner, who was their newly-wedded spouse.

There are other folks who have been at least as active as you who do not have herpes or other STIs.

Herpes is not a punishment. Herpes is a virus. Getting it (or not) is basically the luck of the draw.

While condoms protect a bit, they are not 100%. So even using them more frequently might not have protected you.

The feelings you are having of shame, filth, disgust, etc. are quite typical whenever a person is newly diagnosed with herpes. But herpes does not make you shameful or dirty or disgusting.

Herpes is a virus. It causes skin bumps from time to time (or not at all, in some folks).

The social stigma is based on lingering puritanical notions about sex being bad. It sounds like you rejected those notions and embraced sex long ago. And good for you! The stigma is entirely false, recently manufactured, and currently propagated by the media and comedians. When I went through sex ed as a kid, herpes wasn't even mentioned.

Someone here posted recently that herpes (which has been around for centuries) was never considered a big deal until acyclovir was developed and released (1982). That sure makes sense to me!

You also might want to read this little article, which will show you that you are not alone in your current feelings:

I Was Ashamed of My Herpes Until I Found Out How to Treat It

[AnaBella]

Welcome...I know how you feel. I was diagnosed a little over a year ago now. It's really taken me a while to feel somewhat like myself again. The day that I was told I was going to be tested for it, it's like I left part of myself at the dr's office. I'm fighting my hardest to get beyond this as best I can. For months I walked around in a haze barely able to get through the day without crying. But it does get better. For whatever reason, I don't know, but as of late I've felt good...better than I have in a while. When those horrible thoughts intrude I busy myself or call someone to talk to or go in prayer to vent it. And it works for me. I had to find an outlet. I know that I will never be the person that I once was...but I'm trying my hardest to be better than I was before. I had to let go of the past. It doesn't help to hold onto those things. I lived, I learned. There is nothing disgusting about you. Days are going to be hard from time to time but you can beat those feelings. There is alot of help on this site...lots of support. Use it and feel better:flowers:

[payingahighprice]

thanks so much

Thank you both for your kind and helpful words of wisdom. The article you suggested RealisticGal was in fact very helpful. I've always been hard on myself about things that I feel I should've know better about. I, too, hope that thru this I become a better person. Yes, I learned a hard lesson and I hope that eventually I will find a partner who is willing to take the risk based on who I am inside. I liked the suggestion in the article which stated to let those you tell that you care about them and want to protect them. You know I haven't once thought about NOT telling someone I may become involved with as to me that would be heartless and selfish. I do, however, realize that I passed it along WITHOUT even knowing it so for all I know whomever I contracted it from may not have known either. It doesn't much matter at this point, I just need to be much more careful that before and even though I was pretty selective about partners before, REALLY need to now, for my sake and theirs. I appreciate all the kind words and support. It really helps to know I'm not in this alone. It's been a real blow to my ego as I've always considered myself a highly educated and smart female yet as mentioned, it's kind of the luck of the draw.