Boyfriend probably isn't going to accept HSV2

[nycgirl87]

Hey guys- I just got diagnosed and I am pretty new to the forum, it seemed my boyfriend would try to accept it when I first told him, but after speaking to him today, it doesn't sound like he is. He made it pretty clear that he isn't comfortable. He said that he doesn't really want to kiss or cuddle with me, and he doesn't know how long (if at all) until he is comfortable. We are a new couple, just 2.5 months, and he just found out. But he is a germaphobe and I just have a feeling that he won't change. I want to be with someone who accepts me, and I don't think it is him. It is sad that we are probably going to end, I was falling for him, but I need to be there for myself first. My one question is: how long should I wait for him to "come around" or should I wait?

[WarriorKing]

If he really is a germaphobe then it doesn't sound promising. You won't want to be treated like there is something wrong with you all the time. And there isn't anything wrong with you. Really, over 70 percent of the population has this virus within them.

[nycgirl87]

hi mrhonest- yea i just don't see it happening for us because of that. i just dont know if i should wait it out or not. how much time is enough? it's all so confusing.

[Betrayed2010]

Hey Nycgirl87,

I am sorry, I don't know what to say I was just visually diagnosed with genital herpes today and emotionally, I am a wreck, but I can't imagine myself staying around someone who feels uncomfortable with me. I would be really confused w/ the mixed signals, wondering if he wants to be with me...or if he doesn't? I think I would ask him to be upfront with me, as if giving me a yes or no answer (without sounding too demanding) because you are right, you have to put yourself, your feelings and your self esteem first. I totally agree with mrhonest as well, you do not wanna be with someone who makes you feel like something is wrong with you. Sorry I couldn't offer much advice but I just felt hurt from reading what you wrote. I am also in NYC as well. 25 year old female.

[cailin]

hey there,

Just read your email and felt like you were telling my story. Got my visual diagnois on wed of last week and told the guy who i've been with for the last three months on fri- was convinced he was the only way i could have contracted it but on sat he got the all clear from a one day test and on mon my world fell apart. Thing is i'm truly delighted for him but devastated at the prospect of losing him. Like you i have fallen hard for this guy and was truly happy with him. Spent the last few days crying in equal parts over my misfortune and at losing him. However with the help of my friends i have come to realise that i can't make his decision for him and today when we met we had the banter like two friends- have decided that having in my life as a friend is better than nothing at all. And what's more as a friend with herpes told me that in time and with info and yeah a bit of luck the feelings he had before all this can overcome all. i don't want to give you false hope but just as it's going to take time for you to get use to this the same will apply to him. It just sucks that these early days are the days you need to be told it's ok and loved.

Be strong, take care of you first and worry about the rest later.

Cailin

P.S. My friend is now married to her herpes free boyfriend- so with a little luck and alot of love these things do happen

[nycgirl87]

Hi Betrayed2010- you are right. He is who he is and he probably won’t change. It’s just so tough because we had a really good thing going. But I guess it’s just not meant to be. I was visually diagnosed too, still waiting on the culture, what about you? Hey are you by chance interested in some kind of NYC meetup? I obviously wouldn’t want the whole thing the be centered around herpes (that’s not fun), but it could be a good way to meet other people who are going through a similar thing. PM me if you are

Hey cailin- yeah we are going through very similar stuff indeed. That’s great that you are keeping him around as a friend, you are so strong. I don’t know if I can do that with my bf right now, as he is not the best person to emotionally connect with (hard to explain, sounds really bad in writing, ugh), but I just mean that I am not getting a ton from him emotionally right now, so it may be best that I just don’t deal with him at all. Good for your friend, I know we will all find someone who is good for us, right now at the beginning, it just feels soo bad

[cailin]

if it's not good for you then yeah you are better without him. i'm prob clutching at straws with hopes of my guy being accepting but to be honest it puts a little light into what like you has been a pretty miserable few days. whatever happens make sure you do what is best for you- ithink at a time like this we are allowed to be a little selfish.

cailin

[nycgirl87]

Hey guys- just an update- my boyfriend and I decided to break up tonight. It came to that point because basically he cannot get tested while he doesn't have an outbreak, and he doesn't want to be intimate without knowing, and I didn't want to wait and be strung along. So it was a tough decision, we both said we were falling for each other, but that it was for the best. We decided that we were going to remain friends and be in each others' lives. It may be tough but I want him as a good friend.

I feel better, that a weight has been lifted, and that I can just focus on myself. And when I am ready, I will meet someone who accepts me for me

[cailin]

hey nyc,

sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend but it's good that you feel better.

i feel like a proper fool for advising you like i did, for all my positive ideals and what not my world came crashing down around me for the second time this week today, when the guy who holds my heart told me that on mon (day i was diagnoised) he started seeing not kissed but is seeing someone else- truly devasted!

So i do apologise for my over eager enthusiasm- obv to me no that i don't have a clue what i am on about.

cailin

[nycgirl87]

No no no cailin- you were coming from a nice place. You sound like any one of my girlfriends- who is being strong for me but trying to keep positive. Don't feel like a fool . I am truly story about that guy seeing someone else, what a devastating thing. I know if my now-ex just started seeing someone, it would be extremely difficult. We are all just trying to find our way in this extra confusing world again. Best of luck

[Thetwoofus]

My wife is like this. I just got my results today that I am positive. She has HSVI but in the genital area so I suppose that is GHSVI. Until I got my results I still patted her bottom when I walked by and hugged her. She said she could not understand why I would even touch her cause she felt so filthy.

Fact is we did not wind up like this cause of a torrid affair or something and she is still the same person she was a month ago before the diagnoses. It would have been nice to know ahead of time, but we did not. So it is what it is. I told her the worst thing about HSV is the name HERPES just sounds so nasty.

Oh once she started taking medication her headaches have gone away, back aches have stopped, and she has a lot more energy. So all that is positive.

[MelBel]

First, great job gathering the courage to tell him! Secondly, I wouldn't wait around for him. The ball is now in his court.

[nycgirl87]

Well I told him I wouldn't wait around for him, and we broke up because I would have waited forever for him to get comfortable enough to be intimate with me. I'm surprisingly okay with though. We decided to remain friends, I need my distance from him right now however. But I'm optimistic because I know the next time I meet someone, it will not ruin a relationship, it will just be a tidbit of information that he can choose to accept or not, and from there I will move on

[norcallove]

First of all, I wanted to commend you on having the strength to tell your guy. I had to tell mine, so I know how hard it is. I am sorry he could not accept it, but at least you found out about his character now. You sound like a strong person, I have a feeling you'll be ok. Seems like you're taking everything well so far. I am optimistic that you will find a great guy who will accept all of you. Keep remaining positive like you have been! Good luck and take care.

[nycgirl87]

Thanks norcallove- I did find out about his character, and I am glad I didn't invest too much in to the relationship (that's my defense mechanism kicking in lol). Thanks so much for your optimism! Take care